The point of me writing this is because it’s easier to write these here than on paper. The second reason is because it’s easier here than to ask people to read what I write; it’d make me feel like a ‘writer’ or something. Anyway, I write this because it’s sad, n because it’s true.
I, and probably others, feel like I have to be a liar or too nice to be friends with a lot of people; it seems like the only way to make people like me. I’m not saying I lie, probably just don’t speak my mind when I should, which is kind of like lying. I feel like if I ever go out of my way to impress someone or to make someone something is creepy. It feels like I’m not like most people, sort of alienated. If I’m not like everyone else in society, then I’m a nobody, or a loser, but it’s not true inside. But if I’m like everyone else in society, then I’m a winner, a somebody, proper. But inside I feel like a nobody, or a loser, or a shitty conformist. If you want to be yourself, you risk judgement, ridicule, and ostracism (pardon all the commas). If you want to be like everyone else, fighting on the sides of the opinions that your age group go for, or dressing, acting like everyone else, you risk your identity. I feel like being yourself isn’t possible. As if the me that I see will never be the me that everyone else sees. It’s like there’s a mirror over everyones face, and if we don’t like what we see we have to change. Changing doesn’t work for me, and I’m not even being hypocrtical about it. I’ve gone through too many phases to ever choose one. All I can go for now is to work with Sociology and get along with my family until I leave for the university. I hate having to trick myself into feeling like someone else, or imaging things to happen that would never happen. It doesn’t take much effort to imagine, nor does it take much realistic outlooks.
Have you ever had that feeling like the biggest goal you ever wanted to do, was really going to happen, and that no matter what choices you make, it’ll happen anyway? Well it’s probably not true because of the law of imagination. I just want everyone to unite without a group of people having to die for it. It feels like there’s not onje single problem anymore, that old generations took care of everything. It feels like everyone, or most people in my age group will judt join whoever is brave enough to break out and challenge society. Cowards. I hope not, though. But there’s not much time before all of you go about your careers and forget about everything you ever wanted to do, one day you really won’t have enough time to. I think time is running out for me unless I start right away. I’m scared of seeing the light yet still living. I just want to go through with something for a change. But can I really blame myself? Am I my own worst enemy, or is there a very powerful, invisible set of rules, laws and forces nicknamed society? Why do we always blame the weaker group? Why do I always blame the stronger, the richer, the prettier. All I can do is blame something so innocent, so tiny beyond my vision. I have to blame what I want to happen, for never happening. And I have to go one and never give up.
Whatever you want to do, at least know why. And don’t be afraid either, even if you’re scared. Don’t let people know when you’re scared because they’ll feed off of you. I’m not trying to get myself out there, if that even means anything. I’m scared of making friends because I’m scared of being part of a group, or manipulated, or exposed too soon. I need my own space, but I still need people to love and for people to love me. I know all of you love me, but I hate not honestly lovong all of you back or disliking you for not talking to me first. Sorry for feeling that way. And sorry if the truth ever hurt. But I just want everyone to keep it real and forgive each other or it. And I’ll be honest right now and tell you I feel like I’m not worth your time, and feel sorry because it might not be true.
Thanks for reading this, but I doubt most of you will. I just want to write something here because yesterday and the day before I write stuff and it didn’t go through. Just try to learn something from what I write, if it’s even possible. Just do what you can and pretend all you can hear is something you do’t want to, but let it be true. Whatever that means. What a horrible ending. It always is.
And don’t let people fool you. And if you’re a girl and meet a boy who make syou feel like he’s the only one who loves you and that will ever love you, it’s just a trick and I’m sure Sociology and praying will tell you why one day. There’s a lot of people that love you and will love you and that will always love you. Don’t let people trick you into liking something, when you don’t. All I can do is hope that people will low self-esteem will shake off a shitload of water and fear from bodies just like a dog does, and do something. And if that means working in the sidelines, just make sure you know why. And make sure you can answer honestly when you ask yourself why.
It’s a bitch, that feeling when someone writes you or tells something to you that makes you feel wanted or great or perfect, or whatever that good feeling is that you always look back on. That’s the worst kind of pride. False pride that is fed from someone who doesn’t know you like other people do. Noever give up.