Archive for April, 2009

The point of me writing this is because it’s easier to write these here than on paper. The second reason is because it’s easier here than to ask people to read what I write; it’d make me feel like a ‘writer’ or something. Anyway, I write this because it’s sad, n because it’s true.

I, and probably others, feel like I have to be a liar or too nice to be friends with a lot of people; it seems like the only way to make people like me. I’m not saying I lie, probably just don’t speak my mind when I should, which is kind of like lying. I feel like if I ever go out of my way to impress someone or to make someone something is creepy. It feels like I’m not like most people, sort of alienated. If I’m not like everyone else in society, then I’m a nobody, or a loser, but it’s not true inside. But if I’m like everyone else in society, then I’m a winner, a somebody, proper. But inside I feel like a nobody, or a loser, or a shitty conformist. If you want to be yourself, you risk judgement, ridicule, and ostracism (pardon all the commas). If you want to be like everyone else, fighting on the sides of the opinions that your age group go for, or dressing, acting like everyone else, you risk your identity. I feel like being yourself isn’t possible. As if the me that I see will never be the me that everyone else sees. It’s like there’s a mirror over everyones face, and if we don’t like what we see we have to change. Changing doesn’t work for me, and I’m not even being hypocrtical about it. I’ve gone through too many phases to ever choose one. All I can go for now is to work with Sociology and get along with my family until I leave for the university. I hate having to trick myself into feeling like someone else, or imaging things to happen that would never happen. It doesn’t take much effort to imagine, nor does it take much realistic outlooks.

Have you ever had that feeling like the biggest goal you ever wanted to do, was really going to happen, and that no matter what choices you make, it’ll happen anyway? Well it’s probably not true because of the law of imagination. I just want everyone to unite without a group of people having to die for it. It feels like there’s not onje single problem anymore, that old generations took care of everything. It feels like everyone, or most people in my age group will judt join whoever is brave enough to break out and challenge society. Cowards. I hope not, though. But there’s not much time before all of you go about your careers and forget about everything you ever wanted to do, one day you really won’t have enough time to. I think time is running out for me unless I start right away. I’m scared of seeing the light yet still living. I just want to go through with something for a change. But can I really blame myself? Am I my own worst enemy, or is there a very powerful, invisible set of rules, laws and forces nicknamed society? Why do we always blame the weaker group? Why do I always blame the stronger, the richer, the prettier. All I can do is blame something so innocent, so tiny beyond my vision. I have to blame what I want to happen, for never happening. And I have to go one and never give up.

Whatever you want to do, at least know why. And don’t be afraid either, even if you’re scared. Don’t let people know when you’re scared because they’ll feed off of you. I’m not trying to get myself out there, if that even means anything. I’m scared of making friends because I’m scared of being part of a group, or manipulated, or exposed too soon. I need my own space, but I still need people to love and for people to love me. I know all of you love me, but I hate not honestly lovong all of you back or disliking you for not talking to me first. Sorry for feeling that way. And sorry if the truth ever hurt. But I just want everyone to keep it real and forgive each other or it. And I’ll be honest right now and tell you I feel like I’m not worth your time, and feel sorry because it might not be true.

Thanks for reading this, but I doubt most of you will. I just want to write something here because yesterday and the day before I write stuff and it didn’t go through. Just try to learn something from what I write, if it’s even possible. Just do what you can and pretend all you can hear is something you do’t want to, but let it be true. Whatever that means. What a horrible ending. It always is.

And don’t let people fool you. And if you’re a girl and meet a boy who make syou feel like he’s the only one who loves you and that will ever love you, it’s just a trick and I’m sure Sociology and praying will tell you why one day. There’s a lot of people that love you and will love you and that will always love you. Don’t let people trick you into liking something, when you don’t. All I can do is hope that people will low self-esteem will shake off a shitload of water and fear from bodies just like a dog does, and do something. And if that means working in the sidelines, just make sure you know why. And make sure you can answer honestly when you ask yourself why.

It’s a bitch, that feeling when someone writes you or tells something to you that makes you feel wanted or great or perfect, or whatever that good feeling is that you always look back on. That’s the worst kind of pride. False pride that is fed from someone who doesn’t know you like other people do. Noever give up.

The point of me writing this is because it’s easier to write these here than on paper. The second reason is because it’s easier here than to ask people to read what I write; it’d make me feel like a ‘writer’ or something. Anyway, I write this because it’s sad, n because it’s true.

I, and probably others, feel like I have to be a liar or too nice to be friends with a lot of people; it seems like the only way to make people like me. I’m not saying I lie, probably just don’t speak my mind when I should, which is kind of like lying. I feel like if I ever go out of my way to impress someone or to make someone something is creepy. It feels like I’m not like most people, sort of alienated. If I’m not like everyone else in society, then I’m a nobody, or a loser, but it’s not true inside. But if I’m like everyone else in society, then I’m a winner, a somebody, proper. But inside I feel like a nobody, or a loser, or a shitty conformist. If you want to be yourself, you risk judgement, ridicule, and ostracism (pardon all the commas). If you want to be like everyone else, fighting on the sides of the opinions that your age group go for, or dressing, acting like everyone else, you risk your identity. I feel like being yourself isn’t possible. As if the me that I see will never be the me that everyone else sees. It’s like there’s a mirror over everyones face, and if we don’t like what we see we have to change. Changing doesn’t work for me, and I’m not even being hypocrtical about it. I’ve gone through too many phases to ever choose one. All I can go for now is to work with Sociology and get along with my family until I leave for the university. I hate having to trick myself into feeling like someone else, or imaging things to happen that would never happen. It doesn’t take much effort to imagine, nor does it take much realistic outlooks.

Have you ever had that feeling like the biggest goal you ever wanted to do, was really going to happen, and that no matter what choices you make, it’ll happen anyway? Well it’s probably not true because of the law of imagination. I just want everyone to unite without a group of people having to die for it. It feels like there’s not onje single problem anymore, that old generations took care of everything. It feels like everyone, or most people in my age group will judt join whoever is brave enough to break out and challenge society. Cowards. I hope not, though. But there’s not much time before all of you go about your careers and forget about everything you ever wanted to do, one day you really won’t have enough time to. I think time is running out for me unless I start right away. I’m scared of seeing the light yet still living. I just want to go through with something for a change. But can I really blame myself? Am I my own worst enemy, or is there a very powerful, invisible set of rules, laws and forces nicknamed society? Why do we always blame the weaker group? Why do I always blame the stronger, the richer, the prettier. All I can do is blame something so innocent, so tiny beyond my vision. I have to blame what I want to happen, for never happening. And I have to go one and never give up.

Whatever you want to do, at least know why. And don’t be afraid either, even if you’re scared. Don’t let people know when you’re scared because they’ll feed off of you. I’m not trying to get myself out there, if that even means anything. I’m scared of making friends because I’m scared of being part of a group, or manipulated, or exposed too soon. I need my own space, but I still need people to love and for people to love me. I know all of you love me, but I hate not honestly lovong all of you back or disliking you for not talking to me first. Sorry for feeling that way. And sorry if the truth ever hurt. But I just want everyone to keep it real and forgive each other or it. And I’ll be honest right now and tell you I feel like I’m not worth your time, and feel sorry because it might not be true.

Thanks for reading this, but I doubt most of you will. I just want to write something here because yesterday and the day before I write stuff and it didn’t go through. Just try to learn something from what I write, if it’s even possible. Just do what you can and pretend all you can hear is something you do’t want to, but let it be true. Whatever that means. What a horrible ending. It always is.

And don’t let people fool you. And if you’re a girl and meet a boy who make syou feel like he’s the only one who loves you and that will ever love you, it’s just a trick and I’m sure Sociology and praying will tell you why one day. There’s a lot of people that love you and will love you and that will always love you. Don’t let people trick you into liking something, when you don’t. All I can do is hope that people will low self-esteem will shake off a shitload of water and fear from bodies just like a dog does, and do something. And if that means working in the sidelines, just make sure you know why. And make sure you can answer honestly when you ask yourself why.

It’s a bitch, that feeling when someone writes you or tells something to you that makes you feel wanted or great or perfect, or whatever that good feeling is that you always look back on. That’s the worst kind of pride. False pride that is fed from someone who doesn’t know you like other people do. Never give up.

When I have children

Posted: April 20, 2009 in Uncategorized

I wanted to write this because someone suggested I write it (Kelsey), the internet is working, and the battery is very good.

I think this child or three children I’ll have will have a mother, because I hear it is hard to a single father to adopt a child,especially in the U. S. There will be three children: One older brother and two younger sisters. One sister will be a little bit younger than her brother and she will be very much older than her younger sister. The first child will be biologically mine, the other two probably adopted Probably the middle child will be adopted.

I’m not sure how to raise these children, because I hear it takes a lot of work and experience, neither of which I have ever had. I want to raise good kids though, good like me but that would have many friends and a good high school experience. I think it’s hard to determine the children’s personalities, but the middle child will probably doing the most work, as a star athlete and star student in high school and collge. I think my youngest daughter will be a meticulous and obssessive reader, which is okay with me. And my son, the oldest child, will probably be a hard working and honest person who will make me proud no matter what he does. It’s hard to come up with what a son would be. All I can say is that he won’t be a jerk, because jerks’ parents are or were probably jerks.

I’m scared to put any of my future children in public school, but I’m not sure why. I mean I was glad to be in public school because it help me figure out how the real world is, and with private school, I’d only be protecting my children from the truth. No doubt I would overworry and overprotect; I just don’t want to hide anything from my kids when they reach the appropriate age. I don’t know how to teach them about trust, I may leave that up to them. If I hide the harsh realities from these children, then how can I expect them not to deny any of it as real? I don’t want them to waste their lives because they are a clean slate, and many people aren’t and it’s very hard for them to change. I don’t want any of my children, to drink, smoke, do any type of drug for as long as they live and only let them have intercourse once they have graduated college and with their partner that has been with them for over nine months. I want to do it for their own good, because I’m scared of people wanting to take them away from me and my child’s goals.

When my kids are toddlers, they’ll be demons as all toddlers are, but I want to play pretend with them a lot and help them or prevent them from judging anyone for silly reasons, because I feel that I have done this and it has gotten me nowhere. By the age of three, I want my kids to realize that they’re lucky individuals.

My roughest years will probably be when my children enter the third grade up until their day of high school graduation. I only hope that they are stronger than I am. I will exercise with my oldest children, to make them able to defend themselves against strangers and acquaintances, and to help them protect their youngest sister, who likes to read and write poetry and will like to travel one day.

Like all parents, I want my kids to be happy. I also want my kids to have to go through things because everyone does. I want them to learn from things, but I don’t want them to have to experience anything wrong in their lives. From all this writing, I could already tell how hard it is raising a child for the first three months, let alone their whole lifetime. What if one of my kids gets kidnapped, or tricked into liking body piercings? It’s oo scary to think about, but I guess seeing smiles on their faces will make it well worth every single hour of raising them. Honestly, I don’t know if these children should have a mom, but I doubt anyone will ever love me as much as to want to give me a child. I hope i have my kids when I’m ready to; I’ve seen so many young moms and their hard journies, it must be a hard time for anyone even close to them. I want to mold good people out of my kids, and good generations. I feel like so many people, older people without kids have this mentality of, “Oh, gotta have my kids; it’s the only thing I need is a wife and kids to make my life complete, already got the house, the job, the car and the dog.” I don’t like it when people have kids because of their insecurites or because of social pressure by whoever makes the rules in this industrial society. Have a kid when you’re actually ready to and not when you’re unstable and rushing into it. I swear so many divorces happen cuz we think we find the right person too quickly. Probably easier said than done though.

I want kids because I bet it’s such a great feeling of how people can make people and teach people. Think about how culture is passed to children. I just want to see my kids grow, and to help them grow as much as I can. I have to wait though. I don’t know when to have any kids but I pray that I’ll have them one day and feel really sad if I never have any. I hope my generation continues to want having children. Poor kids never being born because of condoms. Condoms just mean all their parents wanted to do was fuck, and not even want kids. Sex makes kids. It’s the truth, and you want to deny it with your latex and your pills or patches or weird vaginal rings. I’m having my kids and you can’t stop me!!! And they’re gonna shake things up in this country cuz this place is boring and has been very visual and discriminatory lately!!

I hope that many of you people who are for abortion except if you have a child get to see both sides before you choose and I’ll do the same to avoid confusion and unnecessary, childish arguments. If you’re a teen and you need to get an abortion cuz you were too lazy or stupid to know consequenced don’t take it out on the little fetus. Like hell a fetus isn’t human. I’m sure that it doesn’t turn into a jack-o-lantern after a few months. But mind my arrogance because I only mean it for women who intentionally go against what they really believe in.

P.S
You should read The World According to Garp
when you get the chance; it’s my favourite book right after the Catcher in the Rye, and had a big influence on my life and how I see the concept of lust and how it ruins marriage and taught me that I’m the type of guy that wouldn’t ask my wife if she’s cheating on me when I know she is. I wouildn’t bring it up because I don’t want to upset her or my kids, and I wouldn’t want my wife to feel guilty for cheating so I guess I would tell her it’s okay and never dothe same to her.

Lately, I’ve been all up in everyone else’s grill that’s at or around my age. I feel like I can’t fit in with my age group, let alone any group at all. I think I go against my generation so much because haven’t been accepted by it first of all and second, I have realized that I don’t WANT to be accepted by them. If I wear any type of hip clothing, it would take years until those clothes didn’t feel like a damn costume. Another aspect of this generation that doesn’t parallel with me is the rise of weird-sounding music in the mainstream media. I can’t relate to any of this non-sensical music, probably because you would have to take some kind of drug to actually enjoy it or feel as if you are “one with it.”

I think the largest reason is because I don’t like the label of going with the crowd, although sometimes it is positive in some historical aspect, but I feel weird about conforming and I have a fear of criticism and rejection, especially when dealing with more than two people; call me old-fashioned. I guess it’s too late to ever conform now, after having been socialized in different cntexts as other people have. It’s a matter of who you know in this this region rather than WHAT or HOW you know, and I just don’t know as many people as most teens do. I’m considered a “loser” by society’s standards, but certainly not by mine.

People my age go to a lot of parties, end up saying hi to people they know, talking to them. I bet they don’t even know why the party is even happening, rather they only know whose party it is. I have been a party pooper in past experiences- experience teaches you a lot of things about yourselves-a fact of life. I think if my Sociology teacher had been horrible, I’d of never decided to major in it therefore causing a chain of different events in the future that will alter your life. Teens Teens Teens.

I think I behave like a teen though, but my main problem is the pattern of generalizing and false assumptions/ conclusion-jumping. I think a good reason does come from negative experiences and my flaw of forgetting the positive things that happened, like meeting my friend Kelly. It’s just too bad that I’ve lost contact from her though, she was an important person to have come into my life but at least she’s probably happier without me.

Anyway, I think a big difference maker is the fact that my age groups seems like it’s waiting for someone else to solve it’s problems, but by the time we are of the most power, there will be too many problems to deal with. We need to start quickly. And we can’t have such high standards that we can’t even amount to them. I have No standards. Low expectations of others which is very sad of me. That’s what happens you feel let down by others at the same time feeling like you’ve let people down. My niece is ticklingme and bothering me into playing Super Nintendo. Just please don’t think I’m arrogant for writing it, but if you do think it’s meant to be arraogant, then you probably fit in with this generation of … early 90s children?

Summer Plans

Posted: April 20, 2009 in Uncategorized

I’m thinking of joining a gym this summer. Not a jungle gym like I’m used to using, but an actual adult gym. By adult, I mean for grown ups andin no way am I advocating pornography when I say ‘Adult.’ I really want to get in shape this summer but not to feel proud or motivated or anything. I think it’s more for intimidation and to protect myself and others. I would really like to study many social phenomena that occur at Venice’s Gold Gym. I wish I could just follow through with it though. I just want for my body and my brain to co-exist or something beautiful like that. I hope if I do get pretty buff that I won’t forget why I wanted to. I’m not really into feeling stronger than others. But stuff happens to people when they change, they change. I feel like if I were to fit into a nice group that accepts me and manipulates me to be like them, I’d just end up hating my old self, which isn’t such a good thing. I think I’m better at a slower pace anyway. Maybe people prefer doing things in groups but I doubt it’s for me. Just like tattoos and marijuana- it’s not for everyone. Anyway, I hope to keep focus on my self-stability and academic goals as main priorities.

Northern California is where I want to be in two years or maybe in one. I’d really enjoy being closer with nature over there, even though there are many trees already here. And to be honest, my Sociology teacher said that Southern California is like a totally different country compared to the rest of the U.S. I want to go to some school there, but if I want to go to Berkeley, the counselor says to get all A’s from now on, which is stupid cuz there are plenty teachers who give Bs of regardless. Therefore, I must be more open minded to trying to get into an array different schools; after all, I know what it’s like to be rejected and my goals are aimed high so if I fail it will still be okay. Something about Northern California catches my attention, but it’s only a possibility for now. If I’ve learned anything from college it’s to not plan so ahead because stuff happens and you might hate those plans later. It’s probably better to focus on shorter goals more, while still coming up with a basic long term goal. I’m beginning to sound full of myself and I apologize.

Anyway, I don’t get to speak to any of you,so I don’t know what to do about it because I bet many of you are probably too busy with your careers, jobs, education, or other friends. I just hope that you are happy where you are inside. & I hope I get to see a lot of you when school starts again, howver I really doubt it from on account of some experiences lately. Thanks for everything.

P.S I would really like your opinion on which class to take this summer. It has to be a biological science and these are the only three choices:

-Physical Anthropology (Studying ancient ancient people’s/ monkey’s bones and fossils)

– Human biology (biology but about people and not plants)

– Nutrition (Food groups and healthy foods/ portions)

That’s about it because I definitely don’t want to take Anatomy with lab- too much work…
And for everyone that goes to SMC I recommend you take Sociology 1 with Professor Levy this summer, but it starts at 8 am but it’s worth it and worth everyday of your time there. Bye