I feel like a fucking monster, a diabolical one.

Posted: November 23, 2009 in Uncategorized

I feel like a fucking monster sometimes. It’s not correct. Counselors at my CCC will not help me and there is no one to talk to about this. I don’t think they think it’s a problem because I’m so calm about it. I haven’t told anyone that has taken it seriously. I tell God all the time, but like I said, it’s a FEELING, not part of who I am, I think. I don’t want to hurt anyone nor do I want people to think I want to hurt them. I was ignored many times throughout today. Now I regret ever doing that to someone else. How could I, I think.

I just want to be recognized. I feel like amonster sometimes when I am around women or men who act like jerks to get attention. I am filled with ruthless blood in my veins when I feel different or unwanted almost. I’m delusional about it too. I think I want to feel this way and I do it by coming up with a reason to feel this way. I don’t know who to turn to besides these stupid blogs that no one but my government reads. They only read this shit to make sure no one overthrows IT. NOT because they give a fuck about what I am going through, or other people are going through.

Sometimes, like now, I feel like I can do 2o pullups when I know I can only do like 6 or 7. I feel like these blogs prevent me from doing shit I shouldn’t be doing, like thinking and planning shit I shouldn’t do. Pretty women make me feel this way, when people ignore me I feel this way. When people brag about shit (useless whit) I feel this way. I feel this way when something isn’t the way I wish it would be. I can not be myself when I am awake anymore. Who knows if I know who I am, but I feel like a loser or something. A strong one at best. I don’t care what happens to anyone when I feel this way, cold blooded.

Wh knows if anyone besides God/ other spirits are reading this. I just want my fucking society to not be so damn crazy about shit that doesn’t matter. My blood starts to boil when I think of shit like that. Shit like people fucking up, being selfish although I can be at times. I just want people to agree on most shit- shit that’s important. I love my country and everyone really, but I can’t stand them other days and I do not understand. People are my everything. They should be yours too. But the world isn’t this way and I don’t think it will ever change unless I do something huge or something. It would make me a lot less angry and a lot more un-angry. I don’t know if I should be happy, I don’t care about …or do I? I’m writing this shit because I care about how I feel right? Then I can’t say I don’t care whether I am happy or not. I guess I DO want to be happy. I don’t want to smile and shit. I just want to be okay with life, you get me?

Have you ever been okay with everything? A day or two where you had nothing to worry about or something, after you finished a big problem? I know one will probably come right after, but it is a good feeling for nothing to be wrong withlife in general. I just want to be this way, and for all of us to be this way.

There’s probably not enough time in the world to move all the continents back together and learn each other’s name and story. So I doubt the way we see world peace is the way it should’ve been.

What I can do to make the world a better place is to drive all of the Negative Demons out of me. I wrote so I could feel less conflicted and I guess it works but sooner or later I will feel this way again. And what should I do if there is no paper, television or computer? I should remember what kind of Creator created me. He’s never angry (right?) and he will never make fun of me because I feel or look a certain way. He will understand what I am going through and comfrt me.

I am beginning to realize I should try and be like him and that is what He/ She probably means by being a child of God. I should just drop everything and try to see where people are coming from and figure out how I can help them I want to stay this way. I really do, God. I really do.

Sorry for everything bad I have done and every bad thing I will do. I do it our of hopelessness and I WILL try to mend that situation.

Thank You for everything.

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