Archive for January, 2010

Before I get into the meat of my idea or something, I want to write about a question I asked the internet. In the google box I typed “how to make someone like you.” The website I clicked on said that I should first think about what would make ME like a person. In general, I want a friend/ person to be non-judgemental. I want them to put their egos and insecurities away and not judge me on silly shit, first and foremost. I never let ppl know I’m judging, which may not exactly be a good thing, but people are sensitive. You have to be a accepting person for them and give them a chance (when they are talking to you).

Second, I want someone who will not be too aligned with their gender’s personality. This means, I don’t want a friend that hides their emotions, be they a boy or a girl. I also want them to know I don’t care how they feel, and that they deserve to feel however they want. It’s okay for them to be mad, even though they shouldn’t. I think they should be angry, but they should know why. I get angry inside a lot, but I know inside that it’s just me being delusional. Feelings are the most honest things we have inside of us, and I just don’t like it when I guy is sad, there’s always some insecure bullweasel telling him to stop being a pussy, or when a girl whines, another person tells them not to be such a bitch. I admit, it can get annoying when a girl acts desperate for attention. Scratch that. I think being whiny needs to be not done. That’s about it. A non-mean person will do just fine. A lot of people are nice actually, and if they’re not nice to you they’re probably nice to other people.

TEXTING: It sucks for me. It’s such a superficial way to communicate with someone. It makes me feel like a robot when I have to text. No one wants to call another person anymore to have a telephonic conversation, it’s too funny and true. If a person were to call me just to talk, I’d be thinking What’s going on? Why are they talking to me like a human being ona phone? What do they want? So I have to text them and it ain’t fun. My cell phone is from 2004 and it takes like 2 minutes just to type in one sentence. Not only that, it takes me two minutes just to think of WHAT to write! So in the end, the message I sent it about three sentences long, which is EXTREMELY long in the art of texting. Not only that, I put the questions in the BEGINNING and then the comment, meaning they might only think of the comment and not reply, when I expected a response!

Anyway, I almost always (especially with women) get a response that somehow is only three to four words long; it makes me feel desperate or something when I don’t even have to be. I’m getting to my rainstorm part now.

For all of this week it has rained, except for today. The storm has cleared, beautifully, I might add. I guess you have to take a look at wet, rainy days to see the brightness and beauty of a sunny day. Maybe I’m being a lil bitch when I say that but who cares?

I’ve learned that people are hard to confide in, and I’m not being all that delusional. But it all depends on your expectations. If you’re like me, and have extremely high expectations for other people to be relied upon, then you will be very hurt because that person may not know how much they are hurting you, & if they did, they probably would act differently, if they genuinely cared about you. It’s hard to find the right friend or soul-ish companion. And maybe I have a point, well most of the time.

If you’re like me, you have to learn to handle that shit, and correct your hopes for other people. People fuck up all the time, whether it’s their fault or not. I can’t blame them for being such assholes when they don’t know any better. If they can’t learn to appreciate me, or you, than make sure you don’t blame it on yourself. I’ve been ignored by people I thought liked what kind of person I was. And I’ve learned that there’s just something fucking wrong with them. If it was my fault, they would’ve said something to me, but they never kept in touch. The worst thing you can do is to not communicate back with someone when they expect you to communicate back.

The most fucked up part of my reality is that people just suck at communicating with each other, and we’re too scared of hurting other people’s feelings. But the shitty part is we’re not scared of hurting them, we mostly just don’t want others to think of us as mean. I just want to be more open and not be such a hypocrite when it comes to talking to people.

Am I a complicated person? I think so, but I think everyone is. If a person seems simple, they’re probably just more complicated because they don’t show you who they really are. The funny thing is the people I think are simple are positive or something. But I have a strange feeling people are pretty complex every single one of us. We do shit to people that we don’t want people to do to us. All we want is to be happy, but we’re so mean sometimes it’s no wonder we’re angry with the world. Maybe I’m the meanest motherfucker around. But I hope I can get over my trust issues one day. Just don’t blame yourself when people don’t want to be around you for stupid reasons. And if it ain’t a stupid reason, ask them. And if they don’t tell you why, they are scared and shit and it just gets harder to explain.

Look at me acting like I know shit about people. I know almost nothing. All I know about us is that happy is pretty good and being comfortable with people is a good feeling as well.

I’m glad I could talk to someone I can feel comfortable talking to. Another goal of mine is to put the past aside and not be so paranoid sometimes.

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Not sure what to title

Posted: January 21, 2010 in Uncategorized

I sometimes wish I had a girlfriend or a wife or something. Part of it is just t o be aromantic person to her. Yesterday or the day before yesterday, I watched it rain. I imagined the most beautiful woman in the world with one shoe; the other had just fallen in the storm drain. Someone I knew of or an aquaintance, you know? I’d imagine her smiling stupidly, meaning “Fuck my life” or something or “I’m in need of help.”

She would need help to get indoors somwhere and cross the street across a giant-ish puddle with myserious location of ground level. I would tell her to hold my USA umbrella and would pick her up in my arms and walk her across the puddle. It used to sound more romantic a day ago, but it just sounds boring now. I wish it would come true, but the odds are stacked against me. I have a better chance losing the lottery than winning it.

I miss someone that I guess used to be my friend. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever met and from the moment I saw her I knew we’d become friends.

And I see it raining outside. I wonder where she might be. Could she be in this town? Does she want to see me too? Or does she dislike me or something? I wish I knew the answers to these question, and what happened to Jean Bennette Ramsey. Only God knows these types of things.

God? Why won’t you tell me? I guess I have to think about it for a second. If you DID tell me, what would that do? It would give that poor girl justice, but it couldn’t bring her back from the dead and into the world. And I can never know if my former friend who I miss hates me or wishes we never met, or why she never replies to me.

Our lives are full of, I call ’em, wonderings.

And I don’t think knowing, or filling in the blanks will do much. I pray to see her again, but because I am selfish in the context of this situation.
I should be praying for me to accept things; I have trouble accepting shit (well shit that I should accept).

I don’t know if I have the faith to say this, but I’ll go ahead:

“God Bless Your Soul”

Hashahashahshhha

Posted: January 16, 2010 in Uncategorized

Everyone has the right to be negative and angry. Negativity is something I can’t live without. I feed off of it. If I don’t see anything wrong with this world I don’t know what would happen. I need negativity to do shit you know? If everything is okay now, I would be okay with being “positive.” But it’s not alright. I need problems in my life somehow; I’m okay with it until the point it happens.

I’ve been surfing some sight called facebook, looking at ppl in my high school and stuff. It’s so liberating seeing them exactly how they are from the outside. I know they must’ve changed-maybe for the better or for the worse- but the good thing is they’ve forgotten about me. People who haven’t seen me have put me in a cupboard as an Aunt Jemima bottle. and when they see that shit again it’ll be a fucking spider. A big one at that. I have no sense of feeling when I see them again. I find people I’ve talked to once or twice; people I pretended I was cool with but I laughed at all of them in my head. Assholes, I would think. Poor miserable teens, look at them all young and ignorant. I’m no different sometimes, but that is what I thought.

I assume they have all learned shit about life and what not. I still can’t seem to drop the feeling of superiority when it comes to them. I feel like a boulder-like human on top of a watchtower, looking down AT them all, you know. It’s not everyone though. Just certain types. The kind that I saw succeed in the nastiest of ways. The ones who (I assumed) had no problems of their own. That the worst shit they could have ever gone through was a divorce or being caught smoking weed, or getting a fucking B.

It’s all useless, the hatred. I don’t need it but still I feed off of it like a baby feeds from a bottle. I’m not a baby anymore, but I need that resentment. It gives me vigor and purpose. It keeps me motivated to rise as high as I can. To look down but only see everyone else lagging behind. It makes me feel invincible you get me? It makes my blood boil in the good way. It gives me fuel or shit. The kind of rush you get when you barely dodge a car speeding pass you; one that almost hit you. It gives me life, sadly. Without misjudging anyone, I’d feel more loving. I don’t want to care yet. I want to be strong physically and emotional while I’m young. I trust my anger now, it stands still like fossils or something.
I’ll worry about being loving later. I can only be so many things at once. This is myself right now and I’m okay with it as long as it fades away eventually.
as long as it fades away eventually.
as long as it fades away eventually.
as long as it fades away eventually.
it fades away eventually.
it fades away eventually.
it fades away eventually.
eventually.
eventually.
eventually.
(grunt and move on)…

I, as well as other individuals are more or less like coins. I am not just one sided; there is another aspect that resides in my very existence. It is the opposite of what I want to be (at times). It’s not a safe side to have a flipped coin land on. Just like any flip of a coin, it has the tendency to be random as fuck. There is no third side. There is a mediator though- one that wants to be flipped over just once, What that side is depends on the real me, a blended version called the heads-tails. It can’t be both at once but the grand total is the heads-tails.

These changes occur very quickly but in a sneaky, subtle sort of way. I doubt I’m bi-polar: I don’t lash out at people, at least not out loud, and I’m not very positive for the most part; rarely I’m happy about shit.

Let’s say I’m in psycho mode. Let’s say everyone before me is The Enemy and ‘m the size of the sky. It’s true when it is. My feelings are never lies, my ideas are though. Yesterday a though raced me: There isn’t one thing wrong in this God-made world. Our bad ideas are the only bad things that can exist, at least in my perspective.

All of this sounds arrogant, I know. This is just one side of the coin. The right one. But it’s not right if it’s not facing up. I’m sure this sounds complex but it isn’t. I’m being flipped right now I can feel it, or at least switched. I’m back but this is the good side, meaning I know what I’m like right now. But when I started writing this I was other side face-up. I know this because I can be awkward at writing certain phrases.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell what side I’m on. Everyone gets upset, you know? When I feel upset, I’m not sure if the sick sonnavabitch is just showing up or if I’m just upset, which I hear is okay if it’s not delusional. Sometimes I think being delusional is just a part of my personality, but it can act as a switch for the other side to come in. That side is anything but delusional. It’s sociopathic, always right, not very rational, and better than me and everyone except spiritual figures considered Holy. He is scared because I’m scared. but if he went off on his own away from the heads-tails, there’s no telling what kind of shit would happen. The bond I have with this guy is essential.

I have to be positive sometimes so he won’t take over. It’s worked since forever but I’m scared that one day something will happen that I couldn’t possibly think of as positive and this freak will leave, or shall I say I’ll leave and he’ll be what’s left of the heads-tails, which is horrible because yeah well you probably get it now.

It’s a high feeling when this guy shows up though. I can be good at shit, pumped. A fire of passion burns inside when he hears certain music. It feels like going on a fast ass train.

Listen to these songs and see if you can relate:

“Pretender” by Foo Fighters
“Dirt Room” Blue October
“Say It” by Blue October
“Little Peace of Heaven” by Avenged Sevenfold
“Drilled a Wire Through my Cheek” by Blue October.

A lot of these songs are from Blue October. I think I like the lyrics but he likes all of it, the energy and emotion by the songs. I like the emotions too but this guy takes it to a whol other level, w/ pullups/ anything really but he starts to think like a madman, or like his usual self; I’m the one that starts thinking like him- a madman.

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”

— August Wilson (I have no idea who that human being is)

TRUST

Posted: January 7, 2010 in Uncategorized

I can’t trust people for shit, especially other women. This is due to past events in my life that have led me to believe that women want me to make mistakes or some shit, I know- irrational right?

Today some girl told me that it was Combination not permutation, but it WAS permutation because order was implied; nPr, not nCr. That lowered what I got on a quiz. See, it all makes sense. You think this is just a coincidence? That all of the ppl who left me for dead was because they flipped a fucking coin? All of em did this because there’s something fucking wrong with me, damn it. There are no warning signs; scary people won’t tell you shit because you would never be nice enough to ask, shithead.

Because of this I can’t possibly imagine myself in a relationship. Not only do I think the woman will dump me/ break the shit out of my heart, but they wouldn’t like me to begin with! Therefore, the belief that I’ll never find anyone will only increase possibility of me never falling in love. Why the fuck to I have to fall in love anyway? So I could forget about everyone else in this world? So I could escape the problems for some chick who makes me feel special? I’m starting to get my destiny- to just say fuck off to everyone that comes into my life and that has ever known me and just stay friends w/ the ppl I trust more or less.

It’s just who I am now- a fucking fiend on the inside, and I must match this on the outside via physical exercise and inside again via mental strength. I know I’m forgetting spiritual/ emotional but I can’t just lower my guard, at least not yet. I just can’t.

To be honest, even if some chick liked me I wouldn’t like her back.I don’t drive or a have a job. I go to school and try to get swole every other day, which I learned depends on the emotional aspect, which okay, should be something that I work on. But how? I can’t NOT be myself! Would if I could, but can’t. I just suck at lying that much, whether lying to myself and or others, which are the one in the same I guess.

THE BEAST IS COLOUR BROWN WITH YELLOW CLAWS AND DARK HAIR, KIND OF LIKE A HORSE, BUT MORE LIKE A SWAMP BATTLEGUARD BUT WITH USELESS LOOKING WINGS. THOSE WINGS ARE CRAZY THOUGH. THE BEAST IS ABOUT 89 FEET HIGH AND DOES NOT WEIGH ANYTHING BECAUSE THAT MEANS HIS FORCE IS COMPARED TO OTHER EARTHLY THINGS. HE IS FROM SOME OTHER PLACE, A PLACE WHERE NO ONE CAN GO TO OR EVEN LOOK FOR. HE LIKE SOME SONGS THAT MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE AN BEAST, OR LYRICS THAT MAKE HIM BIGGER THAN OTHERS, HE HAS HORNS AND AN EVIL ROARRRRRR. IT’S MORE LIKE A “GROAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH”- REALLY ROUGHY THROAT IN HIS VOICE. HE HAS BROTHERS FROM WHEREVER HE WAS, AND THEY ALL CAME FROM ROCKS TIRED OF BEING ROCKS AND AIR THAT WAS TIRED OF BEING AIR AND ICY WATER THAT WAS TIRED OF BEING ICY WATER.

HIS BROTHERS AREN’T HIS BIG OR LITTLE BROTHERS. THEY ARE JUST HIS BROTHERS OF SAME EXACT CONCEPTION BUT HE IS SUPERIOR TO HIS BROTHERS. THEY DON’T KNOW IT BUT HE IS; HE KNOWS THIS. THEY THINK THEY ARE EQUAL/ MORE OR LESS WITH THE SAME FUERZA.

HE HAS NO NAME BECAUSE HE DOESN’T NEED TO BE IDENTIFIED OR CALLED OUT. GOD HAS A NAME FOR HIM, BUT BECAUSE GOD ISN’T SCARED OF HIM. GOD KNOWS HE MEANS NO HARM BUT SHIT HAPPENS TO THINGS WHEN WRONG THINGS HAPPEN, WRONG THINGS NOT IN THE HANDS OF GOD, BUT THAT OF EVIL PEOPLE AND SHIT.

THE BEAST HAS A GREAT BIG CHEST AND BACK WITH FOREARMS THE SIZE OF 4 BIG ASS SCHOOL BUSES PARKED IN FRONT OF EACH OTHER. HIS BACK IS THE SIZE OF ALL LAND ON NORTH AMERICA. HE IS RESISTANT TO A LOT OF SHIT, BUT NOT ALL THINGS. HE AINT PREFECT. PERFECT IS WHAT HE THINKS HE IS, BUT KNOWS OTHERS THINK/ KNOW HE AINT. THATS WHAT’S SO DANGEROUS ABOUT HIM. HIS VIEW OF GOD IS THAT OF A PEASANT TO A KING, EVEN HIGHER THAN THAT. HE RESPECTS GOD BUT CAN NOT HEAR HIM ENOUGH TO LISTEN.