I’m not the only coin in this jar

Posted: January 12, 2010 in Uncategorized

I, as well as other individuals are more or less like coins. I am not just one sided; there is another aspect that resides in my very existence. It is the opposite of what I want to be (at times). It’s not a safe side to have a flipped coin land on. Just like any flip of a coin, it has the tendency to be random as fuck. There is no third side. There is a mediator though- one that wants to be flipped over just once, What that side is depends on the real me, a blended version called the heads-tails. It can’t be both at once but the grand total is the heads-tails.

These changes occur very quickly but in a sneaky, subtle sort of way. I doubt I’m bi-polar: I don’t lash out at people, at least not out loud, and I’m not very positive for the most part; rarely I’m happy about shit.

Let’s say I’m in psycho mode. Let’s say everyone before me is The Enemy and ‘m the size of the sky. It’s true when it is. My feelings are never lies, my ideas are though. Yesterday a though raced me: There isn’t one thing wrong in this God-made world. Our bad ideas are the only bad things that can exist, at least in my perspective.

All of this sounds arrogant, I know. This is just one side of the coin. The right one. But it’s not right if it’s not facing up. I’m sure this sounds complex but it isn’t. I’m being flipped right now I can feel it, or at least switched. I’m back but this is the good side, meaning I know what I’m like right now. But when I started writing this I was other side face-up. I know this because I can be awkward at writing certain phrases.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell what side I’m on. Everyone gets upset, you know? When I feel upset, I’m not sure if the sick sonnavabitch is just showing up or if I’m just upset, which I hear is okay if it’s not delusional. Sometimes I think being delusional is just a part of my personality, but it can act as a switch for the other side to come in. That side is anything but delusional. It’s sociopathic, always right, not very rational, and better than me and everyone except spiritual figures considered Holy. He is scared because I’m scared. but if he went off on his own away from the heads-tails, there’s no telling what kind of shit would happen. The bond I have with this guy is essential.

I have to be positive sometimes so he won’t take over. It’s worked since forever but I’m scared that one day something will happen that I couldn’t possibly think of as positive and this freak will leave, or shall I say I’ll leave and he’ll be what’s left of the heads-tails, which is horrible because yeah well you probably get it now.

It’s a high feeling when this guy shows up though. I can be good at shit, pumped. A fire of passion burns inside when he hears certain music. It feels like going on a fast ass train.

Listen to these songs and see if you can relate:

“Pretender” by Foo Fighters
“Dirt Room” Blue October
“Say It” by Blue October
“Little Peace of Heaven” by Avenged Sevenfold
“Drilled a Wire Through my Cheek” by Blue October.

A lot of these songs are from Blue October. I think I like the lyrics but he likes all of it, the energy and emotion by the songs. I like the emotions too but this guy takes it to a whol other level, w/ pullups/ anything really but he starts to think like a madman, or like his usual self; I’m the one that starts thinking like him- a madman.

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”

— August Wilson (I have no idea who that human being is)

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