Hashahashahshhha

Posted: January 16, 2010 in Uncategorized

Everyone has the right to be negative and angry. Negativity is something I can’t live without. I feed off of it. If I don’t see anything wrong with this world I don’t know what would happen. I need negativity to do shit you know? If everything is okay now, I would be okay with being “positive.” But it’s not alright. I need problems in my life somehow; I’m okay with it until the point it happens.

I’ve been surfing some sight called facebook, looking at ppl in my high school and stuff. It’s so liberating seeing them exactly how they are from the outside. I know they must’ve changed-maybe for the better or for the worse- but the good thing is they’ve forgotten about me. People who haven’t seen me have put me in a cupboard as an Aunt Jemima bottle. and when they see that shit again it’ll be a fucking spider. A big one at that. I have no sense of feeling when I see them again. I find people I’ve talked to once or twice; people I pretended I was cool with but I laughed at all of them in my head. Assholes, I would think. Poor miserable teens, look at them all young and ignorant. I’m no different sometimes, but that is what I thought.

I assume they have all learned shit about life and what not. I still can’t seem to drop the feeling of superiority when it comes to them. I feel like a boulder-like human on top of a watchtower, looking down AT them all, you know. It’s not everyone though. Just certain types. The kind that I saw succeed in the nastiest of ways. The ones who (I assumed) had no problems of their own. That the worst shit they could have ever gone through was a divorce or being caught smoking weed, or getting a fucking B.

It’s all useless, the hatred. I don’t need it but still I feed off of it like a baby feeds from a bottle. I’m not a baby anymore, but I need that resentment. It gives me vigor and purpose. It keeps me motivated to rise as high as I can. To look down but only see everyone else lagging behind. It makes me feel invincible you get me? It makes my blood boil in the good way. It gives me fuel or shit. The kind of rush you get when you barely dodge a car speeding pass you; one that almost hit you. It gives me life, sadly. Without misjudging anyone, I’d feel more loving. I don’t want to care yet. I want to be strong physically and emotional while I’m young. I trust my anger now, it stands still like fossils or something.
I’ll worry about being loving later. I can only be so many things at once. This is myself right now and I’m okay with it as long as it fades away eventually.
as long as it fades away eventually.
as long as it fades away eventually.
as long as it fades away eventually.
it fades away eventually.
it fades away eventually.
it fades away eventually.
eventually.
eventually.
eventually.
(grunt and move on)…

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