Archive for February, 2010

I am reporting from some public library on Ocean Park; not going to write to BIC today though.

I feel all numb in my brain and tired in my eyes. Can’t think too hard but I’m okay with it for now. But I want to work on my arms later so I better wake up pretty soon.

Anyway, last night I actually ventured off somewhere; by myself of course. I went on the bike path at the beach and then to the pier in Santa Monica, wasn’t too far from here or my house. I went near the bathrooms and playgrounds where you can exercise w/ bodyweight: Pull-up bars laid out, bars for dips and olympic-looking rings for swinging. The moon was hiding in the clouds, but they moved and I got to see the moon for a while, while I held on to the taller of the pull-up bars.

Some other people were there, probably my age. There was this one kid exercising and showing off to some of his female friends. You can tell they weren’t as impressed as he thought they’d be. I didn’t care. I felt free on the way there, too. I got to ride on the bike path and no one was in my way. It was the kind of feeling where you feel like a plastic bag caught in an updraft, soaring but not too high. Just steady and without much thought. I love that feeling. You don’t feel cold or there. You don’t feel fat, or left-out at night.

I’ve grown up being scared of the night-time. It’s not so bad. There aren’t many annoying people out at night. And if there ARE, they’re pretty quiet.

Anyway, I went to the pier’s arcade. I wasted 50 cents on ski-ball. Why do I think I’m GOOD at that game? I lose like every time. But I played when I was little with my sister and my dad. Those days weren’t so bad. Anyway, I took my quarters to that dinosaur machine where you can get like a gazillion prize tickets with like 10 dollars. I got 270 tickets with about 3 and a half dollars. The prizes of my choosing were these three dinosaurs (one of which was lost) and a rubberish bumblebee, half the size of a computer’s mouse I guess. You should look at the prizes before you play to get motivated, and to know there may not be any large parachute men, because they don’t always have them.

After that, I went to walk around some more. I saw a lot of kids my age, on dates and shit. Dates with even numbers like 2 4 or 6. I was with myself so I guess even THAT was a group of two. Everyone looked all cool with each other. I had seen this girl from my Sociology class, with what looked out to be her boyfriend, or potential one. I’d left the rest my quarters there on purpose, so someone would have a good time, but I went back to the arcade ad changed my mind. They were still there.

So anyway, I walked on the boardwalk to look at these people, having a good time, none of their annoying toddlers around to ruin their time. Lots of kids my age though, like I said. The night-time seems to bring out the quietness in everyone (possibly).

My favorite part of the night was the game I played. the girl there was spooky looking in retrospect. She was the type that looked not very attractive, but you know she had a boyfriend or something that probably played in some weird ass band or something. The game required me to get three beanbag looking things and pitching them. The goal was to knock down these cat thingies, but they looked more like clowns to me. You get 5 tries fo $5 so I went that route. After she explained the rules I went ahead and threw. Got 2 out of five which meant a small prize. I wanted to impress her and shit, even though she wasn’t my type I guess. Us men are weird like that. So she told me to pick a prize…

“Which one do you want?
“Is that a brown one?”
“No, it’s green.”
“Can I have which ever one is closest to blue?”
“We have one that’s actually blue.”
“Okay, then I’ll have that one.”

“Thank you.”

I retained my manhood. She didn’t seem impressed and shit. I felt like I had impressed her. imagine if I lost. That would have been awkward as fuck, just imagine. Knowing how desperate people can be, I would have kept trying though. I actually contemplated, afterward, that I should have been like:

“Which one do you want?”
“I’m not sure. What’s your favorite color?”
“Pink I guess.
“Okay then here.”

And then i would have given it to her as a gift and shit. I know, its pathetic but I thought itta been sweet, and more realistic than some hot chick I know sitting by herself and me walking up to her and saying I won this for you” with some sick ass smile or something.

I felt numb again, on my way back. A lot of corrupt drunkard kids like to hangout along that bike path at night. It seems they aren’t mature people. One of them was like (which I’ve heard so many times):

“Look a bike let’s go jack the bike.” And I ignore them because they’re stupid as fuck.”

The End. I’ve learned that not everyone is annoying, judgemental, or stupid, or mean. At least ot at the same time. Some smart people are annoying and there are always those mean people who aren’t too annoying. Okay, I take that last sentence back. You know what I mean though.

Paranoia (sp?) & Perplexities

Posted: February 25, 2010 in Uncategorized

Okay do I’m going to edit this post when I have shit to add. But it seems to me that people get paranoid about shit like relationships and what not- cheating. Okay, I got it from some forum where people ask for advice because they think they need it, but they don’t even follow THROUGH with the advice anyway so it’s some form of outlet I guess; they can go ahead and do some research…

I also know of relationship issues in terms of women not meaning what they say. I won’t write much in here now, but a lot of the times, I know that women say they don’t want a man cheating, or a certain distance between their man, but I also hear a lot of shit in an annoying voice about her all like “OMG you’re smothering me and I don’t like that in a relationship; you have to be balanced with my needs.” It’s like: bitch, either you want me to be with you right now or not. What is this balance you speak of? I can’t leave you alone because you get mad and paranoid but then if I’m around you ‘too much’ (which you won’t even define what it means) you get all annoyed and shit too. What’s it going to be?

I’ll put more things in here later, but here’s my main point. You GIRLS… and you GUYS are really DIFFERENT from each other. You’re going to hate shit that the other person does sometimes. YOU… have to COMMUNICATE… with your PARTNER… so they can UNDERSTAND YOU… and so you can UNDERSTAND THEM… so you WON’T ARGUE ALL OF THE TIME. How are you ever gonna learn shit about someone if all you do is look at them and FLIRT WITH them. You might as well not be married and send each other dirty letters or something over the firkin mail!

Okay so I’m determined enough to believe that this chick I need to give a card to is out there somewhere on my campus. It’s not that big a campus, but it is still very difficult to find a certain person. I’m not a stalker or anything, I’m just very smart. I remember seeing this paper she showed me, her schedule of classes. I only remembered the name of a few classes and the instructors for those classes.

So I cleverly looked into my school’s listing of classes for this semester and have tried to reach a strategy. I will go to the building where her class is about to end and stay around that area. I won’t wait in front of the door, that’s too obvious and could come across very creepy. But I read this shit and think: what the fuck is wrong with me; AM I seriously a psycho right now. But it’s hard just running into someone when you’re looking for them. Have you ever lost a set of keys? How hard is it to look for it? And how easy is it to one day have it just sitting somewhere? I think if maybe I stop looking for her she’ll magically appear or something.

The other problem is that, when you are looking for someone, a lot of similar looking people pop up. “That girl has straightened hair and light skin from afar; it MUST be her.” Nope. It’s not her, you just wanted it to be. Now any thin-ish woman with darkish, straightened hair and light skin with most likely blue jeans has an equal chance of being her. It’s annoying!

You’re probably thinking I’m the type of person from that stupid movie “He’s Just not that into You,” but this is different. Well maybe it isn’t. It’s not like…

Oh wait… she didn’t text back that one time… and…
but wait she was nice that one day…

I hate people. You can never read their minds and stupid BIC corporations’ pens fuck up all the time; I’m going to be an American for a few minutes and give them a piece of my mind…

See you later alligator.

P.S. If anyone from outside Southern California REALLY wants to know…

Yes, there are a lot of very attractive women over here and no, they don’t ALL have mushy stuff between their ears called brains. And you get all shallow and paranoid after being in that type of environment.

For Example: She’s pretty, which means she won’t like me back. She’s ugly, so I won’t ever like her. Or, she’s pretty and she might like me back, but she’s smart so she’s probably taken or would think I’m a loser.

Okay so this doesn’t happen to EVERY person, but when you think too much about it all starts to make sense, which doesn’t make sense because you’re kind of paranoid about shit. I’m writing like an immature 17 year old chick, fuck this. It’s like I’m possessed right now or something. READ THIS POST OVER AGAIN AND IMAGINE A CHICK WRITING ABOUT SOME DUDE SHE’S LOOKING FOR AND IT’D STILL MAKE SENSE.

“You haters can suck my dick”

Posted: February 24, 2010 in Uncategorized

If you had a pass to make someone dissappear or to fly to another country far far away, would you? If I had the choice, I’d pick myself. Because I can’t CHOOSE one person. Getting rid of an annoying person would go only so far. But if I left no one would bug me, that I know of except new people.

I don’t like my world or whatever at the moment. It’s like I can never be the feeling I want to be. I guess I DO feel okay, but I feel like I’m never satisfied. But then again I don’t care.

The truth is that people annoy me sometimes. I try to seek approval from others. People annoy me sometimes and I wonder if this is true for everyone. Think about all the people who look at people’s shit like my blog. They don’t give a fuck about you except if you threaten the president and shit. But if some chick writes how sad she is, they might read or scan it, figure out it’s nothing and move to the next thing. I can’t accept that these sons of bitches look at my shit and just move on because NOW they trust me. So basically:
a) Anyone who gets on the internet is capable of killing people
b) No one trusts me
c) No one cares enough to read your or my shit
d) If it aint gonna kill someone, it aint worth readin’.

I guess my mood is just flat out sick of shit and people that say they are not annoying when they are VERY annoying. I can be annoying but I mean there’s just something called ANNOYING AS FUCK GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE FOR ONCE YOU PIECES OF SHIT BECAUSE I NEED TO THINK AND YES I MIGHT BE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.

I just want everyone to be how I want them to be, but when I read what I think, it just doesn’t make sense. Who am I to decide? I can’t just have people be everything I want. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m not a good enough person to decide what a good enough person is. I don’t like people sometimes. Sometimes people are annoying as hell. But they’re never in the same group for some reason. It’s always some asshole who feels that not only do they have a right to argue with you every time you open your mouth, but also to hang around acting like nothing’s fucking wrong with them- the extreme kind. I feel sorry for them though. What it must be like to not have anyone admire you or look up to you unless they are ignorant.

Maybe we all just have moods and not personalities. I’m an asshole when I’m an asshole but not in general… right? Well maybe I AM an asshole and I shouldn’t be. And I get scared of talking to people SOMETIMES.

The thing is this: We should all try and evaluate ourselves. It’s so freaking hard though! I don’t know WHAT I am right now. It’s like I’m constantly changing and shit.

Sometimes people change for the better- they grow up and shit. Some people change for the worse- they become stupid or something. But sometimes people will never change, at least the way I see it. But then there are people who always change. Do you know of anyone who wears like a completely different genre of clothing every year or so? I understand that trends change. But there are several trends that go on at once, and they take turns and shit.

When I was in middle school, this kid I used to know dressed like a skater. He wore certain brands, had a large ass backpack yadda yadda yadda. High school comes up. Because everyone else starts dressing up like a gangster or something, so does this kid. He wears a “Pro Club” white T-Shirt with baggy jeans and white Air Force Ones. Next year and a half. Everyone starts dressing like a “Raggae-toner.” Not only does this kid dress like a full-fledge raggae-toner, he starts acting like one and even hangs out with OTHER raggae toners that were never even his friend! So here’s this kid, with a trimmed goatee, pink ass polo shirt, flashy jeans and multicolored Nikes. I shake my head whenever I see that kid now. It’s as if HE could never fit in either!

Enough of my ranting. There are just these people who look like they are always changing and I just can’t help but notice. I’ve changed a couple times, but then I go right back to where I was. But some are changing. I need help or something I feel out of it and shit.

You know what my problem is? I want everything to go my way and when it doesn’t I get pissed and or I avoid everything. When I grow up, there might be shit that I can’t change or avoid you know? And I should try and fix that before my brain is set to a certain… way of working.

I’m going to wait in a long ass line now and starve.
Look at how NEGATIVE I am… it’s very scary and the world confuses me. Boy does it confuse me!

And it was kind of weird. The end said I want money and I want to be happy about it. I don’t feel like writing all the other shit, although it was controversial.

To make a long story short, I don’t want to talk about controversial shit. People will judge me no matter which side I’m on. I don’t care if I make it to heaven or whatever. I just want good shit to happen here, for real. Why wait till you die to be happy? You’d still be pissed when you die that you weren’t happy on Earth. I just want good shit to happen here. I assume good stuff happens in heaven 24/7 but over here a good day is hard to come by. I don’t want to be a close minded old dude like I think I’m gonna be. It’s bound to happen though.

I want to give that damn card to that chick and I want her to give me a hug or something, or even a kiss on the cheek would do.

If I had one wish, I’d want to spend a year with God and have Him tell me how things should REALLY be. And not in the indirect way. With this information, I wouldn’t start an organization or preach because then no one would believe me regardless. I’d just do what he tells me without being a leader and hope people can understand and copy me/ His stuff he told me to do. I don’t want to be like Jesus, it’s too hard. I just want people to do what they’re told I guess. I think God just wants to avoid conflict just like I do though. Why? Because He’s smart, that’s why.

If I’ve learned anything today it’s that people aren’t selfish creatures. We are pretty controlled by other stuff like money and love or something. Think about all the people you know and the shit they do or say just to get paid, or to get people to like them.

I do this shit:
– Exercise
Act nice
– Go to college/ Study shit
– Stay away from trouble
– Get haircuts

There’s probably more like going to the dentist and everything but you get the idea. I bet you do more than me too.

I need a job

Posted: February 20, 2010 in Uncategorized

I’m sitting on the “dining room” floor at the apartment. The M’s on this keyboard can only be typed if you press the button REALLY hard. It’d take forever to write on here. I don’t feel like writing though. I’m just kind of bored. What I want to do is to get into some sort of groove in terms of doing homework. Last semester of Community Coolidge. And I don’t even want to care about shit to be honest. I feel horrible, drank too much water and my breath sort of stinks. I can’t come up with good shit to write. Maybe I should read one of my textbooks and stop being such a lazy ass.

I wish I had intersting shit to write about. I blame the hard linoleum floor and my right ankle. See you around.

What “Love” means to me

Posted: February 18, 2010 in Uncategorized

I don’t think I can tell you what love really is, but just how I personally believe in love. To me, I’m not going to understand all types of love. I can never love like a mother can. I don’t even know how to love another woman, because I’ve prevented myself from doing that.

What I do know about love is that it it is difficult to agree on it. I think about heart shaped red things when people say love, or fancy flowers I guess. But love is something I get uncomfortable with. I don’t like love, but that’s because my definition of love is fucked up and wrong.

Love SHOULD be unconditional, but it almost never is. To love someone means they have to love you back or they did something to make you love them. I can’t do that; I have to love a person with no doubt in my mind, or else I can’t feel that love.

Expressing your love for someone is also very hard for me. I can’t tell people I love them because I’m never sure, unless they’re in my family. And you can’t even tell friends you love them because it sounds “gay” if a man says it in my country. How can we know what love is if only girls can say it to everyone? It’s all confusing, because I am a stright guy, but if you love someone, that doesn’t mean your IN love with them right?

The whole ‘in love’ situation also scares me. How do you know if you’re in love. You don’t hear people telling each other: “I’m in love with you” (which they SHOULD say). I always think there are people who aren’t going to love you the same way back, so you might end up waiting for them to say it first, or waiting later on to tell them when you THINK they love you and would say it back. It’s probably awkward if you love someone and they don’t say “I love you too.” They aren’t even allowed to say, “Me too” or “I love you too” in a weirdish sounding way. You have to say “I love you too,” but in the same way they said it to have done it right. If that happened to me, I would say “And I love you.”

But maybe I don’t love them back. I don’t want to break their heart. Usually I’m not in that situation but if I am, it wouldn’t happen. I wouldn’t let people tell me that. If i didn’t feel a certain way about someone, I wouldn’t make it out to think I did love them (like that).

I always thought no one would love me, or that it’s too icky, but I DO want to experience this love. It’s very scary though. I don’t like when women play games or when I have to act like I don’t care about them to get them to like me more and shit. I hate those kind of things. You should be open no matter what to tell anyone how you FEEL. Just don’t make it all exaggerated; say it the right way.

I keep avoiding this notion that hypothetically this one chick that I can’t stand being might likes me and tells me she has feelings for me though; I’d feel disgusted or something (I wouldn’t TELL them in this case). I want to be in-loved by someone who I want to be in love with also. It can’t be one’s pretty and the other one is ugly, or one is too mean and one is too nice. Sure people should be different but to a point where people are comfortable around each other you know?

Anyway, I might never get to fall in love, but I did come up with a quote unless I do, or if YOU do, because there are some shady ass people out there. Here:

“You break your own heart, when you aren’t strong enough to carry it by yourself.”

You should be emotionally strong. Then again I’ve never been in that situation so it’s best not to assume you’re going to be a wreck. Just don’t rely to much on others when it comes to your feelings. I can’t let stupid, or different people; or misinterpretations made by MY stupid self get in the way of my day. We need to move on, doesn’t MATTER when. Just not too far from the event and not to soon. Being sad is okay but it gets selfish after a while and you should let people be ignorant sometimes. They might realize one day, and eventually die, and then might come into your dream and say “I’m sorry.”

And maybe they won’t. But you shouldn’t let them get to you because they have still one, and they continue to break your heart without even doing anything. You’ve got to fight back sometimes on your own. I have to do that a lot, but it’s not always their fault. I get too paranoid sometimes and I have to fight myself at certain moments.

I hope this is normal; I’ll see you around.