Being myself hasn’t been working…

Posted: February 1, 2010 in Uncategorized

It’s about 10 o’clock, first day of February. I’ve been thinking about claims for people telling others to be themselves when making friends or getting into relationships. It just doesn’t work for me. If I haven’t had any luck being myself before and it doesn’t work now, then why will it work tomorrow? The point is that yes, I SHOULD be myself but the reality is that you have to be what people want- perfect or something.

By perfect I mean just being all of what they look for, and I guess it’s different for everyone. So, I’m thinking I have to be all kinds of different people for all kinds of different people. I don’t want to be someone else; I just want people to accept me. I have a few “friends” but the truth is I rarely talk to them. It’s a complicated subject. I just want it to be easy to make friends.

Every time I go and try to make someone my friend I become afraid. It’s not just the anxiety of approaching them. It’s the feeling of me thinking they don’t need me, or that I’d be too awkward around them. I guess people in my country want different things. But I know we all want people to make us feel good and haters to not bother us or something.

People rarely approach me to talk. And when they DO, I always try to figure out why they talk to me. Do they want to use me as a subject for their experiment or something; what the hell do they want from me? Other times it’s for a pencil or for help, which I don’t mind at all. I get paranoid around people because it feels like when they talk to me it’s because they feel sorry for me or want something for them out of it. But certainly not to just become friends.

I think when I talk to someone, I have to plan what I have to say. But I do this to avoid those early awkward silences. The main reason I talk to most strangers for no reason is because I think they are very pretty. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what they look like. I talk to strangers if they are around me a lot everyday. I like to talk to people because it’s a good experience. The bonding, the learning, finding cool people out there.

Cool people are hard to come by, especially for me. I get irritated easily and I have the tendency to not tell people, “What the fuck is wrong with you?” when I should. I just always put up with it but make them think they’re cool or something; maybe I’m being too polite. I get pretty judgemental though. I like to blame other people when I feel lonely. I get mad that they don’t talk to me. I think they value all kinds of shit more than me.

But the truth is that I keep everything from everyone. I don’t like telling people how I really feel most of the time. They’d think I’m a psycho if I tell them. My hands are cold. Nobody likes to touch cold hands.

Anyway, I tend to think people don’t want to be around me. The other day, a girl that I text messaged didn’t text message back. So she tells me she does and says something like “Honest I did.” It gets me upset because now she knows I was getting paranoid or hurt or something, and I lie and tell her “It’s okay, don’t worry about it.”

The truth is I can’t read people’s minds. So why do I keep trying to? I always think I’m right but the odds are kinda stacked against me. I’m a good guesser, if that helps.

Ok so it doesn’t help. I’m good at guessing people’s feelings, but that doesn’t mean I’m ever right. The hard part is I think my instincts are true, but it’s hard to tell. People are complicated. They don’t always mean what they say, because they want to say what will hopefully come true.

I write in here that everyone else is out to get me or hurt me or something, but because I want that to be true. But to be honest, I’m just really sensitive. And I guess I’ve been through shit that gave me the idea I’m just a rotting piece of fruit.

You shouldn’t feel this way. I only feel this way because I was always like this. If people choose not to talk to you, they’re either too busy, or shallow as hell. At times I am the latter of the two, but not really. You shouldn’t be scared to talk to me, especially of something’s wrong. But don’t talk to me because you want attention, because that probably means you talk to everyone for attention.

Try to know why you want to talk to someone. And I will try too. I’ll also try to get this thought out of my silly head:

“People suck.”

or maybe this one:

“People often scare the shit out of me.”

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