Anger and stuff

Posted: February 4, 2010 in Uncategorized

There’s a feeling inside of me, one that seems will never die. It’s like volcano hot and yet it is icy cold. If you play Pokemon platinum and make a Pokemon perform Icy Wind you’ll know what I mean.

It’s the anger that doesn’t move. It’s just mad as fuck at people. People who don’t know what they can do to help. People whose words aren’t understood.

People who try so hard to be accepted they become someone else until it works, making it difficult for people to be themselves and shit.

People who don’t say shit when they really should, but the reason for them saying nothing is not out of fear but out of selfishness.

People who make themselves feel bigger by making others feel smaller. People who speak before they think, or as they think. People bother the shit our of me- it seems like all of them, but I think it’s just most. I’m aware there are good people out there. But it seems like strangers in my destiny just don’t turn out to be those good people.

What I’m writing is MY truth, not THE truth.I feel like people are too selfish for words. It’s not a materialistic kind of selfishness, or being mean or something. It’s like all the choices we make are for ourselves and nothing more. I feel like when I’m about to talk someone, it’s because I want their attention. Not for them to be happy, but for me to realize that someone is talking to me.

My social skills are too complex for me to handle, I make up too many rules and shit. I can’t trust anyone because I don’t exactly know what trust even means- I don’t have my own definition of it yet, so I never really know when or how to trust a person. I assumed, today, to trust in someone is to believe they’re acting or speaking with honesty.

If I can’t trust people with one little thing, does that mean I can’t trust them in general? Can I trust people a little bit? In terms of simple shit like, do you know what time it is? It seems like that is as far as I’ll go. Trust is like a really big thing in terms of life, you get me?

Furthermore, when I think of trust, I think of friendships/ relationships/ That trust is another word for reliability or the act of someone showing you they truly care. I’m imagining, let’s say a friend saying they’ll meet me somewhere at sometime. And just imagine they fail to show up, without having warned you. But they make you wait, and they make you realize that they didn’t show up.

And then you have to give it a good think. Did they just forget to show up? If they DID forget, was it because I’m not important enough to be remembered? But what if they didn’t even forget, and some person they liked more asked them to do something that interfered with time with me. And they chose to break a promise already made rather than to say no and prevent a promise. What then? Is it worse than forgetting, knowing someone thinks someone else is more important to you?

Where is the value in people and why am I writing so many questions, knowing “It’s different for everybody”. Bullshit it’s different for everybody.

The truth is it’s different for good people. not everybody is a good person. I sneeze, no one says bless you. Is it really different for everybody? What if I has a Brad Pitt face or some bullshit like that? How many bless you’s do you’d think I get? And you STILL say it’s different for everybody.

Sure situations can be different but people are the same as each other. We just don’t give a fuck as much as we should. Why we don’t and why we’re scared to is a good question where I like to start from sometimes.

Sometimes I think all this shit goes back to the playground. You want that tough kid on your team. The team captain was always an asshole from what I can remember, the one who pretty much talked to everyone expect the kids that knew they were assholes. Those kids got picked last, the ones who knew what was going on and how fucked up people can be when it comes to wanting to feel good.

Shit hasn’t changed. I like to think it’s just gotten worse. Good people are hard to come by but the funny part is we all think we’re good and shit and maybe we need to take a second look and at least know where we’ve fucked up with the people we love, or should love.

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