What I mean by “I Hate people”

Posted: February 11, 2010 in Uncategorized

I don’t really hate people. I dislike, but not all of them.

I guess the truth is that I hate what certain people have done to me over the years. A lot of the time I feel ignored by certain people, or certain groups of people and I feel left out. Not the psycho who whispers “fuck the shit out of all of you” loudly, but kind of left out where I feel like I’m never good enough, or too annoying.

It makes it really hard to talk to people sometimes, when you feel like people don’t want you around. The truth is, I am/ as not good at anything now and growing up. Maybe I’m smart or strategic, but it’s highly unlikely. Maybe I don’t give myself enough credit. Do other people give themselves credit? I’m not sure.

Anyway, I’ve in the past talked to certain people who I wanted as friends, but I stopped talking to them and vice versa. I assume, when they don’t check up on me, that they don’t bother thinking about me or I assume they don’t want to communicate with me, so then I shut them off. So sometimes I shut people off because I’d be doing them a favor, not having to deal with me.

I just want to fit in. Not into a group, but into a series of people you know? This morning I wanted to dedicate my life to some institution I’d invent to help eliminate racism and discrimination in my country. I’d go ahead and make buildings where I find someone a buddy of a different race, or gender, or lifestyle, and have them talk to each other one on one. during this time, one will talk and one will listen for the first few minutes and exchange stories about what they think other people think about their race, or how hard it can be when people judged them on some phenotypes they were born with. So these people would just chat about how their differences are laid out. But I don’t want these to people to say I will stop hating those people now. That’s not exactly the point.

I just want these people to bond with each other, because I know there’s some shit- quite a lot- that they have in common/ can laugh about. That’s what I like to see and be a part of, not apart from (which is how I feel now). I just want people to talk comfortably with each other; it’s one of the best feelings in the world. There’ve been a lot of moments in my life and talked to someone different than me on a lot of levels and it is a lot less awkward than I thought it would be. It’s probably more awkward if I talk to people that are kind of like me, to tell you the truth.

Maybe I learned something just now. Maybe I shouldn’t let the deciding factor for friendships to be what they look like, or is she physically attractive. If I bond with people with different backgrounds and begin to trust them, I can have a more open view of the world. If I grow up with the ppl that share my views than how would I know if I am wrong? Maybe one of my neighbors could be my best friend and I don’t even know it!

It’s really hard though, to follow through w/ the shit I just wrote. Maybe I have psychological issues that need to be addressed because it can be SO hard to get up the courage to talk to someone, especially if they are an acquaintance, or not as hard would be a stranger. I’m not going to say, “I just want to be normal,” because I’m normal enough right now in terms of my attitude and my “ME-ness.”

To me, normal means regular. It means good or okay. It doesn’t mean perfect or the ideal model (“the legendary normal family”), but stuff that’s cool or smooth to be around, it’s kinda hard to explain.

So, in the end I don’t hate people, so I should try to avoid thinking that phrase. I don’t like some people right now, in combination with… I don’t understand how to communicate with certain people, which makes it very hard for me to understand whether or not they want me around.

There. I think I love people, by the way. Except for people I don’t really like that much, you get what I’m saying? Like people I just don’t get or something. Have you ever met a person that you don’t like or had uncool vibes w/ them? And you get the feeling they don’t like you either? Like an evil twin-ish kind of feeling? I can’t get rid of that, and maybe that’s okay given I respect them and do not harm them.

I always ask a question to myself: What does God want us to do? Like talk to everyone in the world and know their name and hug them whenever we see them and smile and look up at Him with golden glowy stuff around our bodies? I don’t know to be honest. And it really is hard to say, especially w/ a lot of people’s opinions FLYING around.

If I can give you and myself some advice it’d be to be okay with each other for the most part. Don’t say mean shit because a) it’s mean and b) it’s probably not true.

I hope I get As on these exams and courses.
I hope you have a good life and stuff.

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