What “Love” means to me

Posted: February 18, 2010 in Uncategorized

I don’t think I can tell you what love really is, but just how I personally believe in love. To me, I’m not going to understand all types of love. I can never love like a mother can. I don’t even know how to love another woman, because I’ve prevented myself from doing that.

What I do know about love is that it it is difficult to agree on it. I think about heart shaped red things when people say love, or fancy flowers I guess. But love is something I get uncomfortable with. I don’t like love, but that’s because my definition of love is fucked up and wrong.

Love SHOULD be unconditional, but it almost never is. To love someone means they have to love you back or they did something to make you love them. I can’t do that; I have to love a person with no doubt in my mind, or else I can’t feel that love.

Expressing your love for someone is also very hard for me. I can’t tell people I love them because I’m never sure, unless they’re in my family. And you can’t even tell friends you love them because it sounds “gay” if a man says it in my country. How can we know what love is if only girls can say it to everyone? It’s all confusing, because I am a stright guy, but if you love someone, that doesn’t mean your IN love with them right?

The whole ‘in love’ situation also scares me. How do you know if you’re in love. You don’t hear people telling each other: “I’m in love with you” (which they SHOULD say). I always think there are people who aren’t going to love you the same way back, so you might end up waiting for them to say it first, or waiting later on to tell them when you THINK they love you and would say it back. It’s probably awkward if you love someone and they don’t say “I love you too.” They aren’t even allowed to say, “Me too” or “I love you too” in a weirdish sounding way. You have to say “I love you too,” but in the same way they said it to have done it right. If that happened to me, I would say “And I love you.”

But maybe I don’t love them back. I don’t want to break their heart. Usually I’m not in that situation but if I am, it wouldn’t happen. I wouldn’t let people tell me that. If i didn’t feel a certain way about someone, I wouldn’t make it out to think I did love them (like that).

I always thought no one would love me, or that it’s too icky, but I DO want to experience this love. It’s very scary though. I don’t like when women play games or when I have to act like I don’t care about them to get them to like me more and shit. I hate those kind of things. You should be open no matter what to tell anyone how you FEEL. Just don’t make it all exaggerated; say it the right way.

I keep avoiding this notion that hypothetically this one chick that I can’t stand being might likes me and tells me she has feelings for me though; I’d feel disgusted or something (I wouldn’t TELL them in this case). I want to be in-loved by someone who I want to be in love with also. It can’t be one’s pretty and the other one is ugly, or one is too mean and one is too nice. Sure people should be different but to a point where people are comfortable around each other you know?

Anyway, I might never get to fall in love, but I did come up with a quote unless I do, or if YOU do, because there are some shady ass people out there. Here:

“You break your own heart, when you aren’t strong enough to carry it by yourself.”

You should be emotionally strong. Then again I’ve never been in that situation so it’s best not to assume you’re going to be a wreck. Just don’t rely to much on others when it comes to your feelings. I can’t let stupid, or different people; or misinterpretations made by MY stupid self get in the way of my day. We need to move on, doesn’t MATTER when. Just not too far from the event and not to soon. Being sad is okay but it gets selfish after a while and you should let people be ignorant sometimes. They might realize one day, and eventually die, and then might come into your dream and say “I’m sorry.”

And maybe they won’t. But you shouldn’t let them get to you because they have still one, and they continue to break your heart without even doing anything. You’ve got to fight back sometimes on your own. I have to do that a lot, but it’s not always their fault. I get too paranoid sometimes and I have to fight myself at certain moments.

I hope this is normal; I’ll see you around.


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