Archive for March, 2010

SLOTHNESS

Posted: March 28, 2010 in Uncategorized

I don’t feel like doing shit. I feel like anything that I want to do today will be boring or I’ll regret doing it. When life gives you shit, sometimes you just don’t want it even though it ain’t bad. I feel weird about not having a job. Who gives a duck though. I feel tired as fuck. What was I gonna say? Anyway, I feel like a fat slob right now.

A lot of people feel like they have to interview someone that they like when they talk to them. If you have to ask qestions to find reasons to like someone, then you don’t like them. If you want to get to know someone, just go with th flow. this is coming from someone who hates the phrase ‘go with the flow,’ so do what I say damn it. I’ve gone through it too many times. There jst ain’t a possibility you’ll click w/ everybody. It’s the trth in my opnion and there’s no point in going throgh all that trouble just to feel like you like someone’s inside cuz you like their outside. Those people got people they can click w/. So do I. People are weird like that, bt I guess I realized that I can’t like everyone, but that don’t mean I should hate everyone.

Be with the ppl you feel comfortable around. You should also respect ppl you don’t necessarlity click with. I don’t say mean things, but I guess it’s also important to not think those mean things either. I don’t know shit, is what I’m realizing. You think you’re confident bt you get into a group of people that are better than you and suddenly you hate yourself.

I just want me to be better than me. I’m never going to be perfect at everything, like Pokemon. There aren’t too many pokemon that are all around good with stats. My Poliwrath has a high speed, defenses and attack but it lags it in special at. My Raikou has unbelievable speed and Sp. Atk but sucks in every other category. I like these Pokemon cz they’re good all around:

Typloshion (Fire)
Miltank (Normal)
Metagross (Steel/ Psychic)
Xatu (her Sp. Def sucks though) [Pyschic/Flying]
Dragonite (Dragon/ Flying)

I like my Poliwrath. I want that to be my team. It’s hard deciding on a perfect team, which is why yo should have nore than 6 and just make a good basis for different opponents. What’s the point in having just a rock type though. Hybrids are pretty cool, unless it’s Ground/ Rock, or Fire/ Ground, or Dark/ Ice. That’s just asking for rape on the battlefield, not to mention Flying/ Water, but Gyarados IS pretty strong to take it. Typhlosion needs a move to kill ground types… Ground types usually have low special defense though. I hate the new games. I got sed to teaching starters thunder or ice punch to kick all kinds of pokemons asses.

Any pokemon with high defense attack and speed are alright with me. Xatu is good in that department. Took me a while to realize, though. I want a Spiritmomb. Also, a pokemon that knows an Ice, Electric, Rock, and Psychic move are also kick ass. Not many pokemon could do that well, let alone do it in general. Maybe Gengar could do that. No, not a rock move. He DOES have high Special Attack, and Levitate… I need a Gengar too.

And I wish my Miltank had Scrappy since she knows Body Slam, I think. She knows Milk Drink, Rollout, and some other moves… RETURN, but it’s useless when I send her via Pal Park. Miltank is one of my all time faves.

SO WHAT I LIKE PORKEMON? FUCK OFF.

Japanese skit- romaji

Posted: March 26, 2010 in Uncategorized

Post isn’t about the skit, but I wanted to include it cuz it helps me memorize shit. I have to perform today in my J2 class:

Ohayoogozaimasu.

Hai. totemogenkidesu

Ee. Daisuke desune. Soto wa nigiyakadesukara.

Hai. Takusan shitsumon ga arimasu. Amerika ni takusan jiyuu ga arimasukara.

iidesune. Asa ohuro ni haitte moiidesuka. Asa ni shigoto ga arimasukara

Watashito akachan wa iie de tabako o sutte moiidesuka? Watashito akachan wa tobako no chuudoku desukara

Sumimasen. Akachan o kokoroshite, kuruma o karitemoiidesuka? Maiyoru, watashito nihon no tomodachi wa abonaku resu o shimasukara

Doyoubi ni party o shite moiidesuka? Party wa chotto tanoshii desuyo.

Hai. mochiron.

Watashito anatano musume wa DETO o shite moiidesuka?

Aa. Wkarimasu. Habakarisama.

Hai. Todomerimasu. Doumo Arigatoo.

Ja Mada (end)

So I ended up getting the scholarship for the summer study abroad. It covered the whole trip minus the tips and airfare. i hope I get my financial aid before the summer so I could buy the ticket with that money and not my family’s, because we’re poor and shit.

I had to degrade myself to get that scholarship though. Told them my mom could only work on the weekends and my sister worked at pizza hut. It’s not right though, even though I got the trip paid and it really WOULD be a special experience. But man, it feels weird cuz I rather go to Asia and learn their languages. That’s one of my goals: to learn Japanese, Chinese, Korean, Hindu and Vietnamese or something.

People like to talk about themselves when they don’t exactly know the person they’re talking to that well. I’m too scared to talk to people, as you know. I need to learn how to open up, and not really on a good day to help me. It feels weird man. We all got issues whether it was cuz of fucked up family members or teachers or classmates that teased. Everyone was teased, but not everyone teased. That surprisingly made sense to me, not that it even means anything.

Spitting at my reflection

Posted: March 22, 2010 in Uncategorized

You know what’s weird about how I look? I look as if I’m a weakling or “fit” or something. I don’t feel like that on the inside. I feel like a huge ass demon on the inside.

Take this example. I talked to a couple of my friends at school today, thank goodness. And one of them had on a pair of sunglasses. So the second I looked at the glasses I saw myself talking. It was horrible, because then I heard myself speaking. I don’t match with myself. I look one way but think another. Is that a good thing? I feel like a character out of my book because my feelings are rarely constant.

People bug the shit out of me because I THINK they do. The problem here is my appearance. It makes me feel like I’m not who I am. I look like I should be happy. Maybe it is the colour of my shirt- green.

Anyway, I’m having a hard time phrasing a certain thought…

Okay so look: I saw my image. I, in this case, is the me on the inside. The me on the outside is NOT me. So when I saw this image, I felt ashamed because it didn’t resemble who I was. I’m kind of getting there. the other part is this: People have constructed this image on me and react to it. I shouldn’t HAVE to care about what I look like; I rarely look at myself in a literal sense. So, if I care what I look like, in reality, I care about what other people see. And if I care about what they see, then I switch to caring about what I look like, when it really shouldn’t matter.

So the biggest thing that upsets ME the most, is that these other people have somehow made me care about looks, and at the same time, I’m shallow too. So it’s like we don’t make our own lives and feelings anymore, it’s like other people determine them, shallow ass people that have rejected me.

Remember now, I should also think of the people who did not reject me. These people did not reject me because at one point I was confident. SO Not only to I have to be confident, they have to be willing to sense my confidence. So whenever I talk to someone now, I need to think of how I feel and whether or not they’d feel comfortable talking to me. This is so funny, watch:

Imagine a dorky mannered guy, not too unattractive but clearly not confident with himself. And imagine this guy going up to a woman and doing the following things :
-Looking around and nodding as if he wanted her to agree with him
-Looking at her waiting for her to answer a question he never asked
-Saying: “So….”
-“So, uh what are you doing?”

What is this man TO DO???

How do you go up to a chick in the first place??? Here are some sources that I will critique

– “Simply steel your nerves and tell yourself that you are indeed going to approach her”

Okay pretend I’m me, going to approach a fly hunny sitting on the grass. I get that I have to establish the idea that I’m going to talk to her. How the fuck to I get over the possibility that I’m going to be awkward?? There’s a chance she’ll be mean or uninterested. I can’t deal with that shit.

-” When you pass a smile at a random girl she would most probably smile back at you if she is ready to be approached”

Totally not true. I agree that if some cute chick smiled at me, I’d smile back, but it’s too LUSTY if I talk to her. I’m not the smile at you kind of guy, I the complainy talk to you kind of guy; that’s my problem- I can be a lil bitch sometimes. I assume women want men that act like men (except the obvious qualities). Okay so what am I to do. DO I have to put on a brawny looking shirt and grow a beard? My mustache will NEVER grow even with my beard. Okay so masculine energy let’s see…

Yes No
– Confidence x
– Strength x
– Courage x
– Helpfulness x
– Positivity x

How do you even define courage?
When you’re not scared to do shit?
Do courageous stuffs. NOW

If I…

Posted: March 19, 2010 in Uncategorized

could be any animal, it’d be a silverback gorilla. I’d fucking go all out scaring the shit out of everyone before they shoot me. What if a gorilla just scared people and didn’t hurt them? Could you still shoot em?

Have you ever used anyone? If you have, did you know you were using them? I feel numb but in a tired way. And I feel like drownxploding again. Why? Because I’m bored and I love people. That’s why. Have you ever hated people? I confuse hating people with feeling bad for them. I hate when they have to be somebody else, mean. But it’s not their fault. It’s just that no one listens to em so they end up behaving differently, which just annoys people. So it’s like we have no choice but to be ignored. My life is just one big IGNORING, or feels like it anyway. The me I show everyone is weird and always wants to talk to people or wants to get to know people. He’s just wasting his time. No one likes him because of me. It’s my fault and he’s the one who has to suffer. He’s the one who really does care about people, but I get reminded about the past, and he has to deal with it. And he can’t. Because other people can’t deal with how they really are either. And sometimes they take it out on him, but not directly.

I guess I get annoyed by when people are annoying to themselves, but not at me. No one’s really mean to me, but that’s because they’re not being rude about it, at least THEY don’t think so. But you dion’t have to say mean shit directly to people to come off as rude. Your body language and your actions say a lot, or when you don’t show up for someone else; life can be a drag.

Like I’ve always said, I have a stupid heart. I think using the past as my main model. Everything that I’ll ever look forward to will dissappear before I can even enjoy it. That’s how shit’s always been. I am my own worst enemy.

People screen their calls and shit. That has nothing to do with the post I will write…

I tore up that letter yesterday and through it away. Why?
Because I was wasting my time trying to look for her, and when I found her, my card wasn’t even with me.

So the lesson didn’t start/ end there. I learned that who gives a fuck about her anyway? I’m wasting my time thinking about shit like girls, or how I look.

And I kept walking, with my nose all up in the air, trying to look all impressive. And then it hit me: I am not an animal. Why the fuck do I have to dress a certain way to get other people to like me; and it doesn’t even work either way. I’ve been living like an animal, whose purposes are to eat, find a mate, and reproduce. I’m a …. person? Yeah, kind of.

I want to live for the group. I don’t want to stress on little shit like what people think about me, or whether or not I’m “good enough.” In this world, no one’s good enough for anyone I tell you!

Anyway, I want to live for the group and forget about the little things. I want to get a J-O-B and support myself and my family, not some chick that is probably going to feel wanted and stuff. All that can wait to be honest. And my life doesn’t need that, no one’s does.

You are only self-conscious when your goals are to get other people to like you or something. You shouldn’t give a fuck, except if those people are your family or your VERY good friends. They are too worried about how you’re doing and not how you look. When your family tells you you’ve changed, and your ‘new friends’ haven’t, that means something is wrong.

Just be yourself (for the most part), which to be honest is horrible advice. I hate it when people tell me that because I don’t know how to be myself and or if it works.

The point is to know the REAL point of your life. Kids and marriage/ divorce will happen anyway, most likely. Take it easy now. Live YOUR life and no one else’s except if you have dutiful responsibilities for your Creator, country, or family. Just know that there are people, yes PEOPLE, out there that are looking out for you, and other people too…

What if someone assumed YOU didn’t love them? It’d be inappropriate for them to assume that kind of shit anyways.

Anyway, I’m done ranting. I want to just take it easy, get some errands done, write about how easy rich people REALLY DO have things…

Take Care…

PS. Some things, I’m beginning to think, are too hard to get over. Sometimes you need closure and it sucks when you don’t get that kind of shit…

and I might be one of them. I write this post to talk about people who have been hurt, be it intentionally or unintentionally, by other people in emotional ways. A lot of people are out there. A lot of people are hurt and they identify themselves this way, the others have been hurt but have gotten over it. I am the kind that is a hurt person, probably unintentionally. It has affected my life and I don’t know how to get around it. Please note that I am not perfect, and I may have hurt someone in the span of my life. But have I hurt someone to the point where they are a hurt person? I doubt it.

I think when you trust someone, it’s hard to think about them leaving, or doing something that would contradict a trust. It’s so EASY for me to not trust people, because I expect to get hurt. and if they Don’t hurt me, I am confused, but at least good came out of it. WHat I’m trying to say is that I have barriers because I am a hurt person.

One things that make me seem enclosed is the fact that I am not confident or open when it comes to feeling valuable or special. If you are open and confident, I think more and more people will talk to you. If you’re having a bad day or mood, don’t question why no [selfish] one wants to help you. It is because it is in their interest to remain unsad & you might pass it on to them. I want to be the person that will talk to the sad person though, try to make them feel better (if they want to). I know what it’s like to feel left out and ugly, although it may not be exactly true.

So I feel invaluable because I wasn’t a good asset in school or in my family, being the youngest one. I felt like a boulder that couldn’t move itself out of people’s way. As ridiculous at it sounds, it’s how I felt and still partly due. I still feel like people will choose someone else over me, or not look forward to being around me. And so it happens in life, because it seems true to me. I was never good at socking the ball, or making goals/ baskets. I wasn’t perceived as anything special and school; not many kids were, but they grew out of it for one reason or another.

I still feel like an insecure kid, “the one who was always picked last.” And I need to let that go because it just ain’t true. I’m worthy you know? Everyone is! But there’s a lingering feeling of neglect or unwantedness that just leads to so much trauma later on…

It affects people’s lives, their behavior, in my opinion. People need to feel special, because they are. I have to be a good person not to feel good, but to be there for someone. Have you ever had someone approach you for help? Didn’t you feel wanted and didn’t they need assistance? You help them because it makes you feel important, and also because they need shit done. And when you HELP someone, THEY feel important/ worth someone else’s time. And that’s not a bad thing, I think.

I’ve also learned that it’s hard to take the barb wires down, because there really IS a chance I can be hurt again. But the point is to become a stronger person. Especially you women out there. Because one day, you’ll be a hurt person. And a beautiful, perfect strong man may come into your life and try to take advantage of you. I’m not saying he’ll always be a jerk. But at first he’s not going to hurt you. He wants you to be comfortable with you because he might know you have a barbed wire fence up. And he’s going to NOT hurt you, which is definitely what you want. And even a year or two might go by and you are absolutely in love with everything he does.

But he might be genuinely the devil or something, well on the inside. And he’ll try to manipulate you (I don’t know how some guys do it). And all of a sudden he won’t compliment you as much, or care for you that much so out in the open because the spark might be gone. But maybe he’ll start being a jerk. Maybe he’ll do stuff that gets in your nerves. But then again men and women are pretty different so it’s bound to happen.

But you have to watch out for him behaving a certain way. It’s okay to keep your guard up in the beginning, but not too much. You have to be able to still be aware of your environment; you can trust him if you’re comfortable. Just be strong and prepared, because this whole he might know that you are vulnerable and sensitive, which might be one of the only reasons he talked to you in the first place.

I guess it can happen to me too. But just heed my advice though. Don’t let him dominate you to the point where you’re uncomfortable. I know it’s okay to feel like a girl and have him take your order or something. But if he does shit to you, or treats you some way that you don’t want to be treated, you have to be very clear about it. Don’t be scared, there are guy friends in your life that can kick his ass with one arm. The most important thing you can do is to not let yourself fear him. You’re supposed to love him and if you don’t, thenfuckin’ run. Even if you’re not IN LOVE, you can always be friends though. But if you don’t feel safe, just leave him and don’t forgive him. You can say you love him and that’s why you end up staying.

But does he REALLY love you? If he really loved you you wouldn’t be so afraid, or hurt, or maltreated all or most of the time. When someone loves you, they make you feel happy and special. If he doesn’t get that tell him. And if he doesn’t listen or beats you, call the police. And if the police don’t help you, you do whatever it takes to be apart from him. I’m not telling you to kill him or chop off his balls, or kill his mom. Don’t go crazy, but just think of something, anything.

I know I will now that I’ve written this garbage that no one thinks will help. See what I mean? I feel pathetic and it makes me this way. Chicks don’t like that but I don’t care [right now]. I’m going to keep trying to be a great person, maybe one of the greatest. But to do this is very hard. But maybe it’ll happen if I really wanted it to.

I was about to leave but someone sat next to me (in the computer lab). So if I LEAVE, it might make them feel like I left because they smell, or some paranoid shit like that. I’m going to leave now, after they have settled. You never know when someone will feel hurt. If there’s anything true about Americans is that we’re really sensitive about some shit, especially our identity/ heritage.

Bye.