Some people have barb wires around them

Posted: March 1, 2010 in Uncategorized

and I might be one of them. I write this post to talk about people who have been hurt, be it intentionally or unintentionally, by other people in emotional ways. A lot of people are out there. A lot of people are hurt and they identify themselves this way, the others have been hurt but have gotten over it. I am the kind that is a hurt person, probably unintentionally. It has affected my life and I don’t know how to get around it. Please note that I am not perfect, and I may have hurt someone in the span of my life. But have I hurt someone to the point where they are a hurt person? I doubt it.

I think when you trust someone, it’s hard to think about them leaving, or doing something that would contradict a trust. It’s so EASY for me to not trust people, because I expect to get hurt. and if they Don’t hurt me, I am confused, but at least good came out of it. WHat I’m trying to say is that I have barriers because I am a hurt person.

One things that make me seem enclosed is the fact that I am not confident or open when it comes to feeling valuable or special. If you are open and confident, I think more and more people will talk to you. If you’re having a bad day or mood, don’t question why no [selfish] one wants to help you. It is because it is in their interest to remain unsad & you might pass it on to them. I want to be the person that will talk to the sad person though, try to make them feel better (if they want to). I know what it’s like to feel left out and ugly, although it may not be exactly true.

So I feel invaluable because I wasn’t a good asset in school or in my family, being the youngest one. I felt like a boulder that couldn’t move itself out of people’s way. As ridiculous at it sounds, it’s how I felt and still partly due. I still feel like people will choose someone else over me, or not look forward to being around me. And so it happens in life, because it seems true to me. I was never good at socking the ball, or making goals/ baskets. I wasn’t perceived as anything special and school; not many kids were, but they grew out of it for one reason or another.

I still feel like an insecure kid, “the one who was always picked last.” And I need to let that go because it just ain’t true. I’m worthy you know? Everyone is! But there’s a lingering feeling of neglect or unwantedness that just leads to so much trauma later on…

It affects people’s lives, their behavior, in my opinion. People need to feel special, because they are. I have to be a good person not to feel good, but to be there for someone. Have you ever had someone approach you for help? Didn’t you feel wanted and didn’t they need assistance? You help them because it makes you feel important, and also because they need shit done. And when you HELP someone, THEY feel important/ worth someone else’s time. And that’s not a bad thing, I think.

I’ve also learned that it’s hard to take the barb wires down, because there really IS a chance I can be hurt again. But the point is to become a stronger person. Especially you women out there. Because one day, you’ll be a hurt person. And a beautiful, perfect strong man may come into your life and try to take advantage of you. I’m not saying he’ll always be a jerk. But at first he’s not going to hurt you. He wants you to be comfortable with you because he might know you have a barbed wire fence up. And he’s going to NOT hurt you, which is definitely what you want. And even a year or two might go by and you are absolutely in love with everything he does.

But he might be genuinely the devil or something, well on the inside. And he’ll try to manipulate you (I don’t know how some guys do it). And all of a sudden he won’t compliment you as much, or care for you that much so out in the open because the spark might be gone. But maybe he’ll start being a jerk. Maybe he’ll do stuff that gets in your nerves. But then again men and women are pretty different so it’s bound to happen.

But you have to watch out for him behaving a certain way. It’s okay to keep your guard up in the beginning, but not too much. You have to be able to still be aware of your environment; you can trust him if you’re comfortable. Just be strong and prepared, because this whole he might know that you are vulnerable and sensitive, which might be one of the only reasons he talked to you in the first place.

I guess it can happen to me too. But just heed my advice though. Don’t let him dominate you to the point where you’re uncomfortable. I know it’s okay to feel like a girl and have him take your order or something. But if he does shit to you, or treats you some way that you don’t want to be treated, you have to be very clear about it. Don’t be scared, there are guy friends in your life that can kick his ass with one arm. The most important thing you can do is to not let yourself fear him. You’re supposed to love him and if you don’t, thenfuckin’ run. Even if you’re not IN LOVE, you can always be friends though. But if you don’t feel safe, just leave him and don’t forgive him. You can say you love him and that’s why you end up staying.

But does he REALLY love you? If he really loved you you wouldn’t be so afraid, or hurt, or maltreated all or most of the time. When someone loves you, they make you feel happy and special. If he doesn’t get that tell him. And if he doesn’t listen or beats you, call the police. And if the police don’t help you, you do whatever it takes to be apart from him. I’m not telling you to kill him or chop off his balls, or kill his mom. Don’t go crazy, but just think of something, anything.

I know I will now that I’ve written this garbage that no one thinks will help. See what I mean? I feel pathetic and it makes me this way. Chicks don’t like that but I don’t care [right now]. I’m going to keep trying to be a great person, maybe one of the greatest. But to do this is very hard. But maybe it’ll happen if I really wanted it to.

I was about to leave but someone sat next to me (in the computer lab). So if I LEAVE, it might make them feel like I left because they smell, or some paranoid shit like that. I’m going to leave now, after they have settled. You never know when someone will feel hurt. If there’s anything true about Americans is that we’re really sensitive about some shit, especially our identity/ heritage.

Bye.

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