Spitting at my reflection

Posted: March 22, 2010 in Uncategorized

You know what’s weird about how I look? I look as if I’m a weakling or “fit” or something. I don’t feel like that on the inside. I feel like a huge ass demon on the inside.

Take this example. I talked to a couple of my friends at school today, thank goodness. And one of them had on a pair of sunglasses. So the second I looked at the glasses I saw myself talking. It was horrible, because then I heard myself speaking. I don’t match with myself. I look one way but think another. Is that a good thing? I feel like a character out of my book because my feelings are rarely constant.

People bug the shit out of me because I THINK they do. The problem here is my appearance. It makes me feel like I’m not who I am. I look like I should be happy. Maybe it is the colour of my shirt- green.

Anyway, I’m having a hard time phrasing a certain thought…

Okay so look: I saw my image. I, in this case, is the me on the inside. The me on the outside is NOT me. So when I saw this image, I felt ashamed because it didn’t resemble who I was. I’m kind of getting there. the other part is this: People have constructed this image on me and react to it. I shouldn’t HAVE to care about what I look like; I rarely look at myself in a literal sense. So, if I care what I look like, in reality, I care about what other people see. And if I care about what they see, then I switch to caring about what I look like, when it really shouldn’t matter.

So the biggest thing that upsets ME the most, is that these other people have somehow made me care about looks, and at the same time, I’m shallow too. So it’s like we don’t make our own lives and feelings anymore, it’s like other people determine them, shallow ass people that have rejected me.

Remember now, I should also think of the people who did not reject me. These people did not reject me because at one point I was confident. SO Not only to I have to be confident, they have to be willing to sense my confidence. So whenever I talk to someone now, I need to think of how I feel and whether or not they’d feel comfortable talking to me. This is so funny, watch:

Imagine a dorky mannered guy, not too unattractive but clearly not confident with himself. And imagine this guy going up to a woman and doing the following things :
-Looking around and nodding as if he wanted her to agree with him
-Looking at her waiting for her to answer a question he never asked
-Saying: “So….”
-“So, uh what are you doing?”

What is this man TO DO???

How do you go up to a chick in the first place??? Here are some sources that I will critique

– “Simply steel your nerves and tell yourself that you are indeed going to approach her”

Okay pretend I’m me, going to approach a fly hunny sitting on the grass. I get that I have to establish the idea that I’m going to talk to her. How the fuck to I get over the possibility that I’m going to be awkward?? There’s a chance she’ll be mean or uninterested. I can’t deal with that shit.

-” When you pass a smile at a random girl she would most probably smile back at you if she is ready to be approached”

Totally not true. I agree that if some cute chick smiled at me, I’d smile back, but it’s too LUSTY if I talk to her. I’m not the smile at you kind of guy, I the complainy talk to you kind of guy; that’s my problem- I can be a lil bitch sometimes. I assume women want men that act like men (except the obvious qualities). Okay so what am I to do. DO I have to put on a brawny looking shirt and grow a beard? My mustache will NEVER grow even with my beard. Okay so masculine energy let’s see…

Yes No
– Confidence x
– Strength x
– Courage x
– Helpfulness x
– Positivity x

How do you even define courage?
When you’re not scared to do shit?
Do courageous stuffs. NOW


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