Archive for April, 2010

and they keep switching. Before you know it it’s tomorrow morning. Today feels like afternoon and no morning but then 4 oclock now but 12:30 later on.

Anyway, I await my admissions decision from UCB and shit and am having trouble deciding which school to go to. On one hand, I don’t want to move miles upon miles from home because what if shit happens. On the other hand I want to move miles upon miles from home because I want something different. Leaning towards closest place.

And then there’s the issue of the education/ reputation. I don’t care about this point because either school is known for reputation/ quality of education. I need to stop thinking of what school is gonna end up on the diploma- they’re all good schools.

The main issue is the life at the school. If I go closer, I would probably end up staying at home to avoid expenses and my life would be the same bullshit that it is right now, all icky and nothing to look forward to. If I went away, this is would I would like about it:

The freedom. Not having to deal with people bothering you because you have the ability to not live with them. Sure there are dorm-mates, but I don’t mind. The point is I can leave when ever the fuck I want, like at 3am for a walk and not have to worry about people bugging and shit. Sure I’d probably get robbed walking at 3am, but the point is the freedom I’ll have and no more of the “I was worried they had kidnapped you; you USUALLY come home on Wednesdays at 1 pm, so I was dying because you didn’t come until 6:30pm. You should have called. The sun almost started to go down and I was worried.”

I’d also like figuring out how to cook and shit. Make no mistake: I will not end up as oddly overweight as those kids who try and survive on Taco Bell for lunch and dinner with their college cafeteria food for breakfast; which is why I’m gonna miss my mommy’s meals because I’m so used to eating without cooking most of the time.

I’d like to escape the cult of Gold’s Gym. I hate the fact that I feel guilty for not going in 2 days. They can suck my dick. I wanna buy a barbell and maybe adjustable dumbbells and just workout in a dorm or whatever so they won’t have to absorn shit from my dwindling bank account. I’d be hella more motivated of there were no annoying gym members around or cuz of the fact that the equipment is right there.

I’d like being cut-off from my former life. Then I can … not change my personality bit have the knowledge that people won’t expet something from me. You know like when people walk past me and I dont want to se eem or say hi? If I go afar I won’t have to worry about that shit. I’d feel a sense of no more guilt or the looking around.

LA isn’t for me in a permanent way, or incessantly. I think going uo North will get my mindset from all this rubbish around me. Too many people tellin you what to do in this place. And they expect you to know what to do all the time. Leave me alone already. You talk to me to constantly help you out but not just to talk to me? You argue with me just to feel dominant and to not educate you or me? What’s the fucking point. At least I know I can’t be annoyed by people I’m never gonna talk to.

I will miss my family, though. Knowing how things are, they won’t have time/ money to visit them and me them. I don’t have a phone or anything and none of them have email, but I think I’d be able to write letters at them. You know, like those kids who go to camp or juvi?

If I stay here, the people I meet will probably know and do evil stuff, and desire worldly things. I’VE been warned. I just want to feel free in thge end though. Too many people tell me that I should go to university a and never b. Are they telling me shit to make conversation or to tell me what to do? I’m not even asking them though. So they can fuck off; they’re not even in my family.

I like my family because they don’t tell me what school to go to. They’re proud that I’m going to a university and I know they trust I will get good grades even on my own. They understand that if they force me to go somewhere I wouldn’t be happy there cuz of the fact.
The only reason they want me to stay close is because they’ll worry, but they’d let me go afar if I wanted to. I don’t know if I wanted to but right now I do.

I’d be staying for reasons of surrendering, and not for real reasons. But if I don’t even get into the Northern school, what would I do? There’s another north school I wanna go to, but there’s no point in going if it’s just to live there, cuz I wanta good education-reputation and better opportunities to meet great professors who have done some crazy shit for their field I guess.

We’ll see what decision is made tomorrow. Then, I can try to make mine.

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You’re Never always Horny

Posted: April 29, 2010 in Uncategorized

Just jack off/ vibrator, finger (masturbate) when you’re horny but don’t make yourself horny when you’re not horny enough to not resist. Jacking off when bored’ll probably make you vulnerable for demons and all kind of bad shit.

Jack off only when your incredibly horny and have sex when you incredibly love someone unconditionally and exclusively. It’s supposed to MEAN something like a symbol of feelings and shit that can only be expressed that way. Don’t do it cuz you wanna feel good cuz you’re lying to three souls at once.

Then again, do wahetever you want as long as you’re aware of the consequences, be they religious or non-religious (things like HIV, AIDS, STDS, unprepared pregnancies, etc.) and get educated on shit like protection at least. A lot of horrible sex related diseases flying around these days. Things that the “I don’t wanna baby I just wanna fuck and be able to feel shit better” pill will not PREVENT… or CURE.

Are you as lonely as I am?

Posted: April 26, 2010 in Uncategorized

Sometimes I feel very lonely, like an old lady might. When you wait and wait and wait for someone to approach you because you are too scared. You wait because when someone talks to you first, you know they won’t reject you.

I miss special people in my life but did I miss them or did I miss how I felt at that time? Why won’t they communicate with me; now I will never know what I did or what I could have done. I understand they had issues, but couldn’t they at least still talk to me? It wasn’t MY fault they had to go away so why are they ignoring ME and not everyone?

I don’t know if I miss people or the feelings/ good times. It’s hard to let shit go because you don’t feel like you have to. I feel like letting go is when shit gets in the way of you living your life? DOES thinking about the past get in the way? Maybe if I don’t do it so much it will be okay. DO I do it so much- the thinking?

It’s like you’re in a PE class playing a great game of basketball, soccer, football, badminton, etc. And you’re playing a really intense match and it’s tied 10 to 10- last point wins. And the next thing you know you’re forced to stop playing, wanting to know the outcome but then you’ll never know. It’s kind of like that. Or maybe like losing a shitload of cash in a wallet:

My happiness is gone and now some other person/ people are having fun with it.. and I’m all miserable now.”

I should try not to make my whole life about feeling screwed over or ignored so much. There are people in my life, in YOUR life, who are always gonna be there for you (I hope) and you and I should appreciate them because they’re worth it and they’d never screw you over to the point where you’re always angry at them or you never see them again. Don’t take those ppl for granted.

Life is hard though, and therefore depressing. Take it one day at a time though. Sadness and Happiness come and go, but unconditional love is forever, my friend…

Have a nice life.

My dad is the government

Posted: April 22, 2010 in Uncategorized

My dad is the government
he helps pay the rent
he buys us groceries with
sheets without Lincoln

My dad the goverment
Tells me I’m worth nothing
Supports me young and old
Pays for my snacks and books

My dad the government
With robust ass hands
Crushing my mind body and spirit
Like the aluminum can that I am

Will things ever change
I Wanna feel free
No more being spoiled
unless my dad lets me be

How will I ever grow up
Raise children of my own
Always knowing that…
My son is really my brother

I will always be with all of you. I will always be. You will always be. We both will always be, whether I am not existent in space, I am existent in time past present or future. You too. We both or all might be in different places, but we exist in a place, be it the universe, Reality, etc. We are all together. I will never miss you because I will always be with you.

And my old friends that I don’t communicate w/ and vice-versa, we will always be, together and we will always be together. Although distance may set us apart, I will always be with them, just a whole lot of distance (known or unknown) between us and our lives/ existence.

Wherever you are, Who ever you may be now I will always be with you; we are always going to be, together and we’re always gonna be together. Maybe it won’t be in space and time. But at least one of those we can guarantee. And I love that. Because I can’t say I miss anyone anymore, although I can miss them being near me and communicating with me, which hurts sometimes, when you go [way] back in time in your head. I need to stop doing that so much. 2010, right?

I need salvation from God and His son Jesus Christ; this is true. This is because this world is not what people want it to be. Have you ever been trapped or locked into a place you didn’t want to be in? That’s how I feel now. I want the Lord to come and evacuate me form this bullshit ass life that I don’t think anyone is happy withm but a life we’re too used to ever not accept as false.

I want to know God because He doesn’t feel trapped with us, He feels we are trapped without Him and vice-versa. The spirit that I wish to have has different goals than I do, because my society is fucked up. Reality isn’t.

Look. You have a life. You do shit, whether you go to school, have a job, are a mother or a child, or maybe none of the above. I bet you feel something missing in your life right? Or that you are not living your life but the life that came from this model of an American or American-life fmily or even existence. For some of you this is not what you want. Yo aren’t allowed to escape your place for the most part if you have that many responsibilities, I think, at least not permanently.

I’ve realized that it is not my destiny to screw over but that it is Evil’s destiny to jam this concept of what happiness is in me. My destiny is unknown in the context of my reality right now. My destiny is to be closer to the Reality of All that Is and not what I’m living in now; some close-minded garbage bag of cultural goals that try and trick me into thinking a finite amount of junk will make me happy. It’s just not true. I should’ve learned from this years ago!

“The truth is boring.”

-Nadya Suleman’s reflection of the media’s opninion of “reality.”

This-THIS- is fueling your disdain for life. Boring really keeps us alive and unproud in a perfect world God, but dissatisfies us in an evil world, Sir. Thank you…

Question for God:
Who wrote the book of genesis. When did they write it? Who edited it after and in between all of these years and why? If I had any superpower it would go back in time/ not space. I would go back in min-time and solve this You darn mystery. I sense something weird about this Eve eating the fruit concept; I think it was a guy did. From what I see in my world, a man wants to be like God more than a chick would want to., which leads me to believe Adam ate the fruit first, but the writers didn’t want women to have the power so they said Eve did it and used that as a means to always be dominant for ages and ages to come. They took the biological superioritiy and ran with it, for so long know that dring this culture this kind of shit would still go down…

Just a stupid thought I had.

Weird shit

Posted: April 20, 2010 in Uncategorized

Why do i dislike people sometimes? People I think are too bubbly especially. I assume they’re being fake. Who the fuck can genuinely be that positive unless they are bullshitting?

Why do I dislike people at times? Did some traumatizing shit happen to me. Trying to think of what could’ve caused it… can’t think or remember that shit. Childhood teasing?

Everything exists and sometimes you feel disconnected & thyen you feel like you can’t understand shit; you feel all “scrunched.”