It feels like three days at once

Posted: April 29, 2010 in Uncategorized

and they keep switching. Before you know it it’s tomorrow morning. Today feels like afternoon and no morning but then 4 oclock now but 12:30 later on.

Anyway, I await my admissions decision from UCB and shit and am having trouble deciding which school to go to. On one hand, I don’t want to move miles upon miles from home because what if shit happens. On the other hand I want to move miles upon miles from home because I want something different. Leaning towards closest place.

And then there’s the issue of the education/ reputation. I don’t care about this point because either school is known for reputation/ quality of education. I need to stop thinking of what school is gonna end up on the diploma- they’re all good schools.

The main issue is the life at the school. If I go closer, I would probably end up staying at home to avoid expenses and my life would be the same bullshit that it is right now, all icky and nothing to look forward to. If I went away, this is would I would like about it:

The freedom. Not having to deal with people bothering you because you have the ability to not live with them. Sure there are dorm-mates, but I don’t mind. The point is I can leave when ever the fuck I want, like at 3am for a walk and not have to worry about people bugging and shit. Sure I’d probably get robbed walking at 3am, but the point is the freedom I’ll have and no more of the “I was worried they had kidnapped you; you USUALLY come home on Wednesdays at 1 pm, so I was dying because you didn’t come until 6:30pm. You should have called. The sun almost started to go down and I was worried.”

I’d also like figuring out how to cook and shit. Make no mistake: I will not end up as oddly overweight as those kids who try and survive on Taco Bell for lunch and dinner with their college cafeteria food for breakfast; which is why I’m gonna miss my mommy’s meals because I’m so used to eating without cooking most of the time.

I’d like to escape the cult of Gold’s Gym. I hate the fact that I feel guilty for not going in 2 days. They can suck my dick. I wanna buy a barbell and maybe adjustable dumbbells and just workout in a dorm or whatever so they won’t have to absorn shit from my dwindling bank account. I’d be hella more motivated of there were no annoying gym members around or cuz of the fact that the equipment is right there.

I’d like being cut-off from my former life. Then I can … not change my personality bit have the knowledge that people won’t expet something from me. You know like when people walk past me and I dont want to se eem or say hi? If I go afar I won’t have to worry about that shit. I’d feel a sense of no more guilt or the looking around.

LA isn’t for me in a permanent way, or incessantly. I think going uo North will get my mindset from all this rubbish around me. Too many people tellin you what to do in this place. And they expect you to know what to do all the time. Leave me alone already. You talk to me to constantly help you out but not just to talk to me? You argue with me just to feel dominant and to not educate you or me? What’s the fucking point. At least I know I can’t be annoyed by people I’m never gonna talk to.

I will miss my family, though. Knowing how things are, they won’t have time/ money to visit them and me them. I don’t have a phone or anything and none of them have email, but I think I’d be able to write letters at them. You know, like those kids who go to camp or juvi?

If I stay here, the people I meet will probably know and do evil stuff, and desire worldly things. I’VE been warned. I just want to feel free in thge end though. Too many people tell me that I should go to university a and never b. Are they telling me shit to make conversation or to tell me what to do? I’m not even asking them though. So they can fuck off; they’re not even in my family.

I like my family because they don’t tell me what school to go to. They’re proud that I’m going to a university and I know they trust I will get good grades even on my own. They understand that if they force me to go somewhere I wouldn’t be happy there cuz of the fact.
The only reason they want me to stay close is because they’ll worry, but they’d let me go afar if I wanted to. I don’t know if I wanted to but right now I do.

I’d be staying for reasons of surrendering, and not for real reasons. But if I don’t even get into the Northern school, what would I do? There’s another north school I wanna go to, but there’s no point in going if it’s just to live there, cuz I wanta good education-reputation and better opportunities to meet great professors who have done some crazy shit for their field I guess.

We’ll see what decision is made tomorrow. Then, I can try to make mine.


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