Archive for May, 2010

Loud is not the same as noisy. Loud is volume, noisy is shit like weird coughs, tapping of the fingers ectcetera (sp?)

Anyway, I’m hungry as fuck poor as fuck. I’m not homeless though.
I appreciate everything I have, regret all of the evils I have comitted and seek to become a more loving person.

In this world, it’s hard to be loving when so much holds you back. It’s fine though; I’ll try to find a way…

The girl that is sitting next to me in the computer’s libraries has a facebook. Watch me go on her facebook and then she sees my screen and says “Why the fuck are you looking at my facebook, and how do you know my name?”

Have you ever met a certain someone every three years and always felt like they never remembered you. That’s why I avoid people- it’s awkward (sp?)

That coughing girl (NOT sitting next to me) sounds like she’s dying. What should I stare for, as if that would reduce the noise…

I feel bad for the people who have to sit next to people that cough that much/ that loud. Feel even WORSE for the person doing all that coughing.

Why are people staring? How can peoplebe so distracted when they’re on a computer? Why are people so NOISY?? AND WEIRD…

Why am I so critical and hypocritical about it? I always feel people shouldn’t judge each other based on genetic shit, but how should I know how to distinguish what they’ve inherited genetically from the rudeness of them, the negativity.

But remember: The negativity does not come from them but from within. But damn why do you have to be so noisy in a public fuckin’ setting…

I know, I know… sorry

PS Everyone sounds sick for some reason. Why are they sick?
I hope they feel better.

I need to leave; there are people waiting to use a computer and I’m just sitting here, starving and wasting my and their time…

Bye (I’m hungry).

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I don’t get why people are difficult as fuck.

You would think people get more mature and less immature as they age, but in my perspective, that shit doesn’t always work out.

I don’t understand how people can be so defensive, have sucha superiority complex, and feel as if there is nothing wrong with them all at the same time.

I’m a passive person; I honestly don’t give a fuck how right I am I will not waste my gotahm time arguing with a stupid ass person. The louder and more annoying person just ends up winning and that’s just fuckin’ stupid.

But the older you are, I guess, the more likley you are to think you’re more correct than younmger folk. So as a reminder to me 10 or even 20 years from now: That 19 year old may have a point; her or his age doesn’t mean she or he is stupider than you.

Anyway, how do I deal with the difficult? I’ll explain later, but the thing is; I almost ALWAYS get stuck with the most difficult, the most defensive You can’t even get a word in edgewise.

One thing I’ve realized, I questioned is whethere I should let them be and they’d continue to be miserable, or tell them how they are (bad things) and risk hurting them or myself.

Decisions, decisions.

What the flounce.

Posted: May 26, 2010 in Uncategorized

Okay so some guy named “Jesse James” ( I doubt this is real name), had an affair on his wife and wore a Nazi hat. I’m all for thinking he did not do well in this whol “being good arena but this media thing is blowing everything out of proportion and impacting people too much. Calling him:

“The most hated man in the world”

So did Osama Bin Laden and his Bush administration die or something? I’m not sure, but the most hated man in the world shouldn’t go to an adulterer- there are plenty of those guys.

Instead, blame yourself; you have the choice to not listen and to get fucking mad and threatenn senators you and your districts votes against these people. You have the right to make shit happen.

I miss drinking soda on a cool day. Not soda from a bottle, but from one of those fast food places; the kind of the lid with the buttons.

Anyway, today I went to Catholic Church for the first time in like five years. Mass is a hell of a lot quicker than it used to be; crazies are prominent in the public library. The guy told the crazy teen that he has too much work andf he can’t listen; I’m tempted to tell the kid whose probably my age to talk to ME so he won’t feel shut down and inferior.

Anywho, there weren’t as many people as there USED to be in church; people are coming less and less I guess. Back in the day, I went to church and it all went in one ear and out the other. Same thing today, but in a different way. It went by sosososslow back then. Also, I was more inclined to stare at hot chicks from where I was sitting, with the “Padre” conducted his sermon. Didn’t do that today; all the hot chicks were gone, at least, they might have went to the 10:30 mass.

I didn’t want to stare at any of the chicks today. They were either mothers or girls in their mid-teens, neither of which I am attracted to. I’ve always been attracted to chicks that are or look about 1 to 4 years older than me. I never was interested in dating younger women, and I hope I don’t become that 58 year old man trying to ‘get at’ a 26 year old.

Back in church, it seemed as if everyone grew older, and the new kids were of few. This was a surprise to me. It all seemed rather rushed I guess, before it seemed excruciatingly slow. EXTRUCIANTINGLY slow.

During the sermon, the PADRE talked about how he needed to pass cards that we were to fill out. He said he needed them so he could determine how many families went to his church, and that he would use this for purposes of sending to another church so they can combine the total number of people who went to their churches. He said that their info would remain confidential; that he would not put their info on a commercial, I think; I don’t know I zoned out here and there.

Didn’t learn much, probably because the service was in Spanish. It was something about the pentecost and tongues, and how we all share a similar spirit even though we all different on the outside; like I said, didn’t learn anything new.

I did learn about how time changed and how it doesn’t mean time changes things. A lot of women were singing, but I just can’t get over how fast the service felt. Mothers slapping their children’s laps because of their disturbing the service; children retaliating with their OWN small act of violence. Some whisperers are loud, people; whispers shouldn’t be louder than when you talk.

Anyway, things change. But I thank my mom from the bottom of my heart that she goes to church to celebrate the Lord. I think that’s the main reason why things have never gone too terrible for us, to the point where there was no way of fixing some mess. We’ve always found a way. Thanks to her. Thanks to her…

I love my mother a lot. And I’m glad my father at least is present in my life and not a violent person, even though he doesn’t care to help us out; he was still… “there,” and that’s better than not being anywhere in sight. I love my family even though it can be hard for all of us to genuinely embrace one another’s presence when we are all together. It’s weird though. We’re more like friends instead of family, but we are family in a different kind of way, but with unconditional love regardless. we just don’t see it until it matters, in my family.

FUCK THIS SHIT

Posted: May 18, 2010 in Uncategorized

Too much shit for everyone to deal with. My people are stressed out; not just me. My people are afriad, not just me. I have time but my people do not.

Too much noise being made. Too much commotion; this is supposed to be a library. Papers are being typed; computers are being waited for.

Sometimes I just feel like knocking the shit out of everything fucking around me you know? WHAT THE FUCK.

I’m not stressed I’m just overwhelmed by distractions, distractions in this room and in this world. Too much useless shit going on!!

DAmNYOIUDAMN YDOUD SHOSNAJSPKSSO

When I’m mad, I hate it when people laugh or seem happy. I don’t know why it is I feel a sense of resentment when I should just feel jealousy or some shit. Sometimes I’m jealous of the braindead or those who can’t think right, or people in office or in porno movies because they’re whole lives are one whole escape route; but I bet it’s far from the fucking truth. Isn’t everything…

bREAKTIMNEEEE
EXHALLLLLLE- I wait for the final exhales of humanity. Have you every had a series of exams or dealing w/ annoying ass people and one day or after a while they let you go. And you exhaled and couldn’t think of anything. When will be the last time you inhale and exhale? THat exhaling feeling should last FOREVERRRR MOMMMA….

I’m happy loner-type person that must learn how to perform the Heimlich manuever on myself. I’m happy this way. It’s not just the independence. When you’re alone, there aren’t many people around to bother you. But when you’re alone when you shouldn’t be you feel vulnerable scared, neglected and so forth, left out while everyone is with someone else.

I don’t want to waste my time looking for love in other people who aren’t very wise decision makers. I rather just focus on schoolwork and stuff for the meanwhile, falling in love is bound to happen, even if I die I bet love is out there; if not with a human then with the Lord.

I always end up doing people favors, even when I don’t want to and when it kills my time when I should really be working on my 10 page poli sci paper.

I need to look at the CHOICES BOOK FOR SOURCES ON PUBLIC AND VOTING

I have a paragraph on voting turn out, but I need more in terms of whether the public cares or not, and stuff like…

Idk but blogging helps sort out my assignment’s complex prompts.

Why do some people feel like their cellular telephones are their kidneys “Do whatever you want, but watch my.. phoooooooooooonnne.. phoonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnne!”

I do people favors partly just to say I did people favors. I also do favors to forget about my own life, and I guess to help people out and what not. I’m a servant to the public, but I hope I’m never a servant to corporations. And I thought pimps weren’t CEOS with lobbysists as their prostitutes and Senators as their “johns.”

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Have you ever been alone in your house and started wanking off because you figured people usually enter when you start wanking off. Only this time you wank off just so the keys would turn the door knob so it’s as if your wanking off triggered them to come so you wouldn’t be so lonely?

Or if someone tells you to watch their stuff and then they dont come back for a while, and you want them to. So you figure if you look through their phone or bag they’ll appear and thus you won’t have to wait for them???
ANYONE??

Anyway, I think we should be able to compliment people without feeling stupid or cheesy, because we really mean it sometimes. My friend, whom I’ll call Sarah Palin (she really is a friend; not an aquaintance or someone I ‘know’) was nervous about a date she had with some guy. And she asked me how I looked and made a funny face, but she said not to lie to her. I said something like: Why would I have to lie to tell you that you look so beautiful?” I really did mean it. Looking back I should’ve said something like :” You’re one of the most beautiful people in the world.” I really would have meant it if I said it. I REALLY would have. And she asked me if I lied and I said “I’d never lie to you.” Which is kind of a lie because everyone lies to everyone, even to themselves in order to justify weird behaviors. But I wasn’t lying about how she was beautiful. She really is, which is strange because why would she ask if she looks beautiful if she is beautiful?

And there are other times where I see random women on the street (not hookers though) and I just want to tell them how beautiful they look because they really do and they should know how people feel when it comes to that type of stuff. But some stuff holds me back.

What you ask? Awkwardness. I don’t want them to feel awkward and say ‘OOOOOOOO… KAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY?” They should say:
“AWWWWWW WELL THAAAAANKKKKKKK YOU.” But I shouldn’t try to come up with what they should say; they have the right to say whatever the fuck they want, but try not to be mean to me for complimenting you. Which is a delusion I have but never will happen.

I’m such a pushover. Why? Because I’m really scared of God and karma and stuff! For example: I get this email which I misread at first. It says:

What’s up this is Donnie from your Political science class I have not been to class in i wanted to know did you know what any of the 8 reasonable theories on power were??

what the fuck do i do?? I don’t even know the guy. I can’t leave him hanging, I’d feel guilty and responsible for his grade. He wasn’t in class, but how do i know he wasn’t in some accident.

Anyway, I’m just going to tell him everything is on the packet and that he missed important ass videos. I can’t just tell him what the videos were about its not fair to the opther guys!!

But if I don’t tell him then what??? Will I get my financial aid if I don’t??? WHY IS THE WORLD SO CONFUSINGGGGGGG!!

Anyway; I replied to that question:

Just look at pages 1-4 on the xerox packet; they’re written there. How many days did you not show up to class? We covered these theories on the first few days of class though. We also saw a lot of films which we need to source on our 2nd paper. You should really talk to the professor if you weren’t there. I wish I knew how I can help you…

I lied when I wrote the last sentence. I din’t want to know how to help him, I just wanted him to not ask others for something he could very well figure out on his own; which what professors say all the time.

There.

I’m exercising my 1st amendment. Can you believe there’s even an amendment for me talking and writing shit down???!!!

Anyway, I wanted to write about my crowded ass counsleing office. All these kids want is access to unanswered questions and they have to wait in line and shit.

These kids have to sit on the floor because my school denied us a bigger room. They gave us a math class sized class for a Social Problems class wtf is that; so they can teach ECON??

These kids have to wait in line to wait for money for college. MONEY FOR COLLEGE? Whay should we have to pay for a higher education??? We NEED IT!!

These kids one day have to file applications for healthcare insurance companies just so they could be denied coverage. Because stupid ass power elite son of BITCH (satan) ass people are greedy as fuck and discriminate against us the poor. They’ve done it for millenia upon millienia. THey have the resources, they have enough money to help us all, they just don’t wanna share. And if you want them to share they shame you in public, blacklisting you calling you a SOCIALIST.
While their rich ass kids and moms get free surgery and get to live, my parents, your parents you and I suffer, just because we weren’t BORN into money. WTF is that!?!?

There;s too much inequality in this bitch, like I said. This socialist argument is bullshit. Our Fire Dept. is socialized. We don’t have to pay for libraries, mail, public school. Aren’t we socialist then? OR one day to I have to pay for checking out a copy of a book about Ghandi. Those days are probably ahead, just wait.

My 1st amendment allows me to talk shit; so I DO. But they don’t care because they don’t feel threatened, the rich bastards. Unless you threaten whatever organization with fires or lawsuits (which are almost impossible to win if you’re as poor as me) they won’t do shit.

Slavery ended because of them. We had to all work together to convince a few rich ass people to get rid of it. PRESSURE THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS; THREATEN THOSE ASSHOLES. BUY THOSE ASSHOLES OF YOU HAVE ENOUGH MONEY. THEY ARE OURRRRR PROPERTY, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. DONT VOTE FOR THEM. NOBODY VOTE, NOT EVEN 1 PERSON. SEE HOW HARD THEY MAKE IT? AND THEY WANNA CALL ME IGNORANT. IF THEY WANT BE TO NOT BE IGNANT, THEN GIVE ME A FREE EDUCATION. WHERE THE FUCK AM I GONNA PAY FOR A PhD. THEY’LL JUST TELL ME ‘YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE.’

WELL FUCK THAT, THEY’RE NOT GONNA TAKE ME OVER. IM GONNA FINISH COLLEGE, TRY NOT TO BE IN DEBT OWING THESE OLD WHITE RICH BASTARDS FOR A DREAM I HAVE- IF GOD DOESNT CHARGE ME TO BE SET FOR LIFE, THEN WHY DO YOU.YOU PIECE OF SHIT ASS LAWMAKERS WHO ARE LAWBREAKERS. SUCK MY DICK FOR ALL YOUR LIES ALL YOUR BREEDING EXPIREMENTS, OR MAKING POOR PEOPLE SEEM CRAZY- YOUUUUUUUUUUUU’RRRRREEEE CRAZYYYYYYYYY

MAKING A LANGUAGE THATS HARD AS FUCK TO SPELL TO MAKE IT EASIER FOR YOU TO THINK OF US AS ILLITERATE MISTAKE-MAKERS!!!
YOU ARE ALL THE MISTAKE MAKERS!!!!

DAMN YOU ALL!!!!!!!!

YOU SENATORS YOU PRESIDENTS YOU GREEDY ASS CORPORATIONS WHO DONT WANT TO SHARE. WELL IM GONNA MAKE YOU SHARE. BUT I WONT KILL YOU. ILL JUST FIND A WAY THAT WONT BREAK THE LAW- SOME DIFFICULT ASS SHIT IN MY OPINION.

PIECE OF SHIT ASS PEOPLE WITH NO CONSCIENCE. EVEN I HAVE A CONSCIENCE JUST WRITING ALL THIS, BUT YOU ARENT PHASED WHEN YOU DENY POOR PEOPLE THEIR HEALTHCARE- AND THEIR RIGHT TO LIVE

ASSHOLE ASS BITCHES. YOU JUST TRY TO JUSTIFY THAT. TRY TO JUSTIFY BENEFITING A COPORATION BEING BETTER THAN KEEPING A SHITLOAD OF PEOPLE ALIVE.

THE LAW OR SOME GATE WONT PROTECT YOU WHEN YOU GO TO HELL FOR KILLING US ALL. IT DOESNT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY. START DOING YOUR ACTUAL JOB AND STOP WASTING TIME WITH LOBBYISTS AND PEOPLE THAT PAY YOU TO VOTE FOR SHIT YOU ARE TOO LAZY TOO READ OR TOO IGNORANT TO UNDERSTAND.

ACTUALLY TRY TO CARE ABOUT PEOPLE AND QUIT LYING TO OUR FUCKING FACES. YOU AINT FOOLING NOBODY. I CANT KILL YOU, YOU GUYS ARE GODS KIDS LIKE ANYONE ELSE. I CANT STAB YOU, OR BREAK YOUR LEGS OR HEAVEN FORBID LIE TO YOU OR PAY YOU TO DO SHIT FOR ME. WHY? I CANT AFFORD PAC’S DAMMIT!!! THATS WHY, PIECE OF SHIT ASS BITCH ASS CUNT-MEN IN POWERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

SUCK MY MOTHERFUCKING DICK CORPORATE AMERICA.

I feel motivated do work hard in school. I wanna go back to my to do list. Went to the AAP Transfer Scholr’s Day today @ UCLA so I’m really excited to be going there this fall.

The only thing about life is that there’s always this one big thing that gets in the way; mine is money, I mean lack thereof. My financial aid was denied for my last year of CC, which is horrible because I needed it to do study abroad. So I will go to the f.a. office to tell them I did my shit and that they were wrong.

Everyday I checked the damn mail for that award letter and check. And all I get is a letter denying my financial aid because i didn’t “help them determine my eligibility.” I DID help them I write the damn statement they asked for.

At least money is the only thing holding me back. No one’s rich anymore these days anyway. Visiting that campus is helping me be very positive. I am a very lucky person who is aware that life does suck more than it rocks- for all of us. I hope there are people out there that are trying to make my life, my family’s life, my people’s life much more financially secure.

When I think about it, money gets in the way of everyone: whether you don’t have it, or when it’s all you have and nothing you have satisfies you.

My dream is to not get shot in my 20s. It is also to live my life for the people that have to wake up to constant bullshit in their lives every single fucking day; never getting a break; never not dealing with a problem or stress. People who contemplate suicide because they feel even in hell you’re better off.

People who can’t relate to anyone. People who have no one to go to. People that suffer quietly trying to realize what it is life is for. Life is for everyone. NOt all of us are gonna have it all. Some of our bodies turned out shitty physically and or mentally. Some of us were born into an impoverished life; some born into the wrong environment, constantly running into death or some time of grappling struggle.

I want to take the burden off of those people, the ones who feel like they have nothing to live for and feel like no one cares. This is why I hate politics because you forget about realistic shit.

Sociology does that for me. People always ask me what I can do with it; as if it were some kind of weird contraption. I know just learning about it is doing something with it. Being able to zoom out and view the world for what it is in everyone’s perspective is also why I go for it. Seeing how little shit in your life shapes your perceptions, shapes your future and role in society. Learning about shit people take for granted. I love Sociology. And I doubt that’s ever going to change.

If you don’t know what to major in, choose something that you think is a part of you. Choose something you wonder about a lot. Go into college with the idea or fantasy of being a doctor, architect, lawyer, astronaut and realize that’s not even close to who you are (maybe) and find that missing piece, the shit you can study that has always been waiting for you. Mine is Sociology. Yours is WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT IT TO BE.

Sociology is good for me. I’ve always had a weird connection with people, often wondering why the fuck they do the shit they do. Thinking about the shit they did that went against what they believed to feel a sense of happiness when all it is is being miserable.

I love sociology because it’s for the non-traditional people. The people that don’t give a flying fuck how much they make, how smart or stupid they are, how black brown or white they are. I feel like Soc. majors have the ability to see from a more non-human perspective. They see people not from the lenses of their race, or socioeconomic status, or even gender. I feel like a human shaped thing that does people type stuff.

People are pretty awesome. I mean I have plenty reason to hate them but at the end of the day you just gotta say,

“Fuckin’ human beings.”