I feel like I’m not here…

Posted: May 13, 2010 in Uncategorized

It feels weird when time goes by slow and all you’ve been doing for most of the day is just listening. You start to feel yourself fade away like… I don’t know what…

You feel like the wind during a sandstorm except you’re not strong.
You feel like a vase in a room, and no one ever really notices a vase. It’s like you’re there but not “there”

When things do not go exactly the way you want them to, you start to wonder about nothing. The something-nothing where it’s just there but you wish it meant something? Hard to explain but it feels like your sensing things and thinking “…”

I feel dirty, but not in a perverted way. Do you remember coming home from a long day of elementary school and your face felt like it had dirt smudges on it and you felt your body was hot or … done like a thanksgiving dinner? I don’t know how to explain it.

It’s hard to put feelings and feelings of pain into words. There are many types of hungry. I can’t describe them in words. Sometimes I wish I can just transfer my feelings to someone else for a second so they know how I feel, be it emotional or physical feelings.

Sometimes you feel something but don’t know the reasons for why you feel this way. I feel like something’s missing, something I can find if I looked really hard but I didn’t want to. When you look for something, or for someone when you really try, it’s near impossible to find them. You end up running into them or finding those keys or whatever when you least expected, usually you gaze at nothing, snap out of it and it turns out you were staring right at it the whole time. I don’t know if it’s like that with me. I seem to always be lonely but around people.

I honestly don’t know how I feel, which is the thing that bothers me most. I feel like … that’s the thing, I don’t know how I feel.

It’s like your brain is at a far away land and all you can do is guess where you are now. LIke flowers in ice and shit. Where’s everything and why am I in an icy zone?

My voice really sucks and I don’t know how to get over it, like those identity crises, damn it. At least I’m not short. Damn I’m glad I’m not short… At least I have my height and I should be grateful for something, right?

Anyway, it feels like my voice is the only thing that gets in the way of me being who I am on the inside. What I would change about me (not in a physical way, would be how passive I am and not too masculine. I’m masculine enough, but not in rugged way, just in a neutral way.

I feel like neither boy nor girl, which explains a lot. Like I say again and again, I feel like I’m John, which is a whole lot of stuff. I feel like I’m really important in this world, but they say that’s delusion of grandeur or whatever- google it.

The thing I like about writing is that no one is there to awkardize what you have to say. You don’t have to lie when you write and it all comes out through your brain with not as much filters. When I TALK, I can’t think too much before so everything comes out even though I do plan it out. Okay maybe I’m contradicting myself.

What I’m trying to say is that when I write shit down, I think how to put my thoughts in a way where it tells you how I feel when I write or wrote it. When I talk, I’m feelingless. I am not very emotional with people, at least I don’t think I am… Am I?

How would you know though?

Is anyone out there? Can anyone hear me? Am I even here?

Sometimes I feel like a ghost. They can be seen heard, but not touched. I feel untouchable; if you took a swing at me your arms would go right through me. When you try to hug me, it’s just air that looks like stuff, makes sound I guess.

I’ve never touched or been touched. I don’t even mean kissing or anything disgusting. I mean meaningful touch, even with hi-fives. I touch people when I have to, which is mostly when I want to wake them up, or when they wanna hi five or when we have to shake hands. I can’t hug or touch a girl, even a friend-girl, even and especially to comfort her- which is what I really wanna do. MY feelings sense these words coming out of every person’s brain:

Don’t touch me.

And I will always obey, but they have never said otherwise because they expect you to do it without asking, but if they don’t ask, how could I know what it is they want? I understand now. Have you ever wanted someone to so something for you but you wanted them to do it without telling them?

Is it my or their problem then?

Why is it that we want to be understood but we don’t want to/ be understood? People can’t make up their minds, but I say that with not so much confidence.

People don’t know what they want; that is how I see things, “FEEL” things. I wish I knew how people felt but I always just think they feel the same way I do: How do I feel anyway??? In general??

All your younger years you’re just setting up your perfect future, but realize that it changes to the point where you may never obtain one. This is what my life will be, and maybe others live it differently. I just want for one day and from then on, for everything to go like I want it to go, but to also have the chance to go back if I realize it’s boring as hell.

Sometimes I let my life pass by because I think God wants my path to come to me and that I should just wait and work. But he gives me free will and the ability to make my own decisions? Does he want me to? Yes. Does he trust me?

I don’t think so, at least not yet. I want to grow up to the point where my fun really is fun, but it’ll be permissible in His eyes. Why do I even vote? People find a way to judge me on whatever I vote for.

My brain is taking a shit and doesn’t seem to want to finish. Time to flush…

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