It’s hard to talk to a group of people you don’t want to talk to. You feel pressured and scared; you feel like you’re better than them and that they’re better than you. It’s hard to jump into a group that you don’t want to be a part of but you feel lonely without.
I rather be alone and miserable than being someone I’m not- a drinker, dranker, breath-be-stankers.
I hate making new friends and all this expected bullshit. I expect to make new friends on this trip and shit, but not when I’m ready.
Fuck alcohol; for me it’s the epitomy of trying to be someone you aren’t to transform some aspect of your life that yu aren’t oky with. You start with control over the booze and it ends up controlling you. I feel too American sitting and this fine resort and shit. It’s like you wanna shout out bullshit and most people in the world but you realize these are faulty assumptions based on two different perpectives that engage in two entirely different behaviors, bias and subjectivity take over, and you’re left anxious, a ideology established to hise judgements I have against other people, people I used to hate because they were soo happy, but that’s just it.
Who am I to take away their happiness, whether or not it’s the kind of shit I do/ choose not to do. Let them do whatever the fuck I want. Chris was right; I can’t change anyone unless I’m willing to make a change within myself.
I met a Mayan dude today; Jaime, talked to him in English and Spanish. He speaks Mayan too; which I want to learn lot now. It’s all good though; patches of my identity I must fight, I must conquer.