June 27th

Posted: June 27, 2010 in Uncategorized

It’s hard to talk to a group of people you don’t want to talk to. You feel pressured and scared; you feel like you’re better than them and that they’re better than you. It’s hard to jump into a group that you don’t want to be a part of but you feel lonely without.

I rather be alone and miserable than being someone I’m not- a drinker, dranker, breath-be-stankers.

I hate making new friends and all this expected bullshit. I expect to make new friends on this trip and shit, but not when I’m ready.

Fuck alcohol; for me it’s the epitomy of trying to be someone you aren’t to transform some aspect of your life that yu aren’t oky with. You start with control over the booze and it ends up controlling you. I feel too American sitting and this fine resort and shit. It’s like you wanna shout out bullshit and most people in the world but you realize these are faulty assumptions based on two different perpectives that engage in two entirely different behaviors, bias and subjectivity take over, and you’re left anxious, a ideology established to hise judgements I have against other people, people I used to hate because they were soo happy, but that’s just it.

Who am I to take away their happiness, whether or not it’s the kind of shit I do/ choose not to do. Let them do whatever the fuck I want. Chris was right; I can’t change anyone unless I’m willing to make a change within myself.

I met a Mayan dude today; Jaime, talked to him in English and Spanish. He speaks Mayan too; which I want to learn lot now. It’s all good though; patches of my identity I must fight, I must conquer.


  1. John says:

    Wow I was overreacting then. I don;t have to drink alcohol, bu I also shouldn’t feel such animosity towards people who want to have a good time.

    I don’t need to drink to feel like a part of the group. Because the group defines the situation in any given moment. I can be with the group some other time if I wanted to.

    I still talk to a lot of these people. And they don;t always drink. It was just the setting. I actually rgeret NOT drinking, but then again, at the time it was something I believed in not doing, so I’m glad I stayed focused and clean.

    Well, I don’t ever think I’ll enjoy alcohol; I honestly don’t see the point personally. But it’s no big deal I just hope people can handle it, as I am aware that a legal and highly addictive drug is a recipe for disaster and that it can cause harm just like any drug can if used irresponsibly.

    Anyway, if you want to drink, you can and I’m sorry for judging you in the past. I just don;t want to see anyone get hurt or feel pressured deep down inside, because I dranka lot once and it was stupid and I felt pressured and that felt horrible. And I’m sure MANY other people have gone throught that which no one should go through. NO ONE.

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