Archive for August, 2010

this week on Da Jon show

Posted: August 31, 2010 in Uncategorized

Ok so randomly a friend from my study abroad trip wanted someone to come along to ‘Burning Man 2010’ and I said I’d go and I’m going tomorrow!!

I tend to feel REALLY guilty when offered a good opportunity because I know there’s a lot of ppl out there with kids, or jobs; however, this is an opportunity I didn’t want to let slip away because well it seems like a new experience and shit.

I doubt I can explain what it is cuz a lot of people who’ve been can’t say what it is. I imagine it’s a festival witha lot of cool shit, and art and music and dancing and food and happiness, which is english for a big celebration.

I really should learn more about it but what better way to actually go!!!
I hope I actually go… I’m already packed and they said they’d pick me up tomorrow. I have to be sure I answer the phone tomorrow… I hoep they don’t call when I’m in the tank.



Posted: August 31, 2010 in Uncategorized

I’m not sure why, but I feel psychologically uncomfortable right now.

It’s a combination of a lot of things. I rode my bike pretty far, and on my way there while I parked my bike and bough lunch, someone jacked my water bottle! And my Joker charm!

And to top that, I was in the library and this lady starts talking to herself all angry and making noises and the negativity was demon-like and spread to me. And I come back home to a house where there’s always some noise to be heard and it just feels uncomfortable in my head anyway.

It’s weird because it feels as if I can’t control it, as if it just infiltrated my mind when it wanted to. Usually I wouldn’t feel so bummed out about those minor events. The water bottle was free and that Joker charm was stolen anyway…

And then, I’ll call him Freddy, calls to tell me that he wanted to know when his class starts and I had told him! He sounded like he was on drugs, and not the natural kind either, which bothered me because I honestly just want to be peaceful today but I can’t. I feel so guilty about not wanting to micro-manage Freddy.

I don’t know what I want.

Incidentally, I am listening to “Smoke and Mirrors” by Symphony X; I also liked their song “Egypt” and “Of Sins and Shadows.”

I’m not sure if their music is Satanic, but it has nice instrumental pieces.

I can’t always feel comfortable. At least my brain’s working right by feeling out of balance???

Anyway, I’ll be good. I tend to feel guilty a lot when I shouldn’t be, and not guilty when I should be.

Copy and pasted

Posted: August 30, 2010 in Uncategorized

Fuddddddgggge. I feel so sad about what tonight and tomorrow are. It’s the first day of Fall semester at SMC, and I won’t be in classes there. I had a lot of shit to say about it minutes ago, but I’m drawing a blank.
The weird part is I’ve never really missed any school before, but with the one I’m leaving I feel bad about. I can’t have that feeling of anticipation anymore. I can’t look at my classes and imagine who will be in them and who I will get to or at least try to get to know. I’m going to miss that.
I’m going to miss those FAFSA checks ha. But seriously, I think most of all I’ll miss being with certain people that I kind of grew up with in school, like high school people. I knew em since we were 14 or 15 that’s a long ass time for me to have known someone. & I’ll never see them all at the same place and at the same time anymore, darn it.

My internet’s not working so I’m typing this on Word first. I just can’t get over how real this is and how badly I’m going to miss people that I care about very much. People I love to see. I should pay a visit, but not on the first day, first week, or even the first month.

Kinda bummed, but at the same time REALLLYY excited about the residence hall life and my mailing address which I will obviously utilize. I just have to learn how the mailing system works first, so I know how to get my shit properly. I’m not sure if I’ll have a lot of fun but rumor has it college life is really fun.
I wish a lot more people who want and pray to go to college do; it’s not fair when people try really hard or have a lot of people and institutions going against them.

Will I get drunk? No. Will I get high? Most likely not. I’m more interested in bonding with people on my floor and stuff, making valuable friendships and shit, like I did in SMC/ high school.

Yay! An epiphony!

Posted: August 28, 2010 in Uncategorized

It’s not that people don’t love me in that way; it’s that I can’t love them!

I have goals to accomplish, places to go people to meet and instill a sense of fear into- ‘important’ people!

I’m glad I realized this! It’s saved me SOOO much time and effort!

I’m not even kidding! I’m not sure if I was meant to fall in love, but there’s no sense of me trying to when loving humanity is all I can do, all I honestly want to do…


Dear soulmate,

Posted: August 27, 2010 in Uncategorized

Leave me alone you make my life not worth living.

I’m feeling so sick right now, I’m probably going to ask a girl out on a date. I think there’s something wrong with me, I swear. I’ve never heard of anyone get this sick over asking someone on a date. I deep down inside never want to be with anyone, even though I do want to. But I feel like it’s something I’d do only because my culture embraces it and shit.

I’m not even that into her; she seems like more of a symbol of something. I don’t really find her interior self that attractive and should probably leave her alone because of this. It’s just she needs an answer to:

“We should definitely hang out..
Aaww thnks, you are a wonderful person too.”

It’s the kind of thing that wants a response. The weird part is I just don’t communicate with her well, or even at all, when I talk to her. I doubt she’s superficial, it’s just that not everyone talks about the same things.

as my soulmate that probably doesn’t even exist because this generation/ society is so shallow, I need to tell you I’d be too afraid to ever come into contact with you, which is the main reason why I think you’re not real. If you were to prove me wrong, so you would to 10 000 years of civilization by going up to me and shit.

I’m just not good enough for you, her, or any girl I find attractive in any level be it physically emotionally or intellectually. It’s my and a bunch of girls who teased me in elementary school’s fault. You have to believe me. You just have to believe that my personal goals that are mostly directed to civilization are a result of that shit. It always is.

Anyway, I’m starting to sound VERY annoying; I read some imdb (internet movie database) on Megan Fox and her quotes came out to be very pretentious even though she said in one she didn’t mean it that way and I’m SURE they were taken out of context.

This is what I’ll tell the girl I’m not sure if I like about ‘hanging out.’ What does that even mean? I hate deciphering what people really mean!! I write vaguely to and it’s because I feel ‘not worthy’ and I wonder if she feels the same way. But I need to remember that I can’t assume I want to like her and shit cuz that’s when things get REALLY awkward. It’s happened before. And with HER too!

We could do something this or next week if you’re not doing anything. I know classes start towards the end of the month.

Have you heard of the Mexican restaurant La Cabana? I’ve gone there only once or twice, and it’d be my honor to show you around.

I was going to write her that but it’s just too damn obvious. I don’t want it to make it sound like a date because well I want to never have gone on one. And this would ruin it. But dates are so beautiful. But yucky for me. I TOLD you there’s something not right with me! I’m still a child when it comes to this stuff.

I’m not the kind of person that would say “yo then hit me up for whenever”

I, in my heart, want to tell her that I want to eat at a restaurant with her so we can get to know each other better and that I really want to give it to her doggy style at this motel that’s only a block away from the place. And I want to tell her that I’m not sure if I like her because I don’t think we communicate effectively with each other and that I don’t have a car, which is why I chose the place; it’s walking distance from my house.

I’m such a horrible person. I just want to be honest with people but be polite at the same time and there’s no negotiating with myself!

I suck!

This is what I just sent her:

“We can do something this or next week if you’re not doing anything; don’t worry; I haven’t deleted your phone number. I know classes start toward the end of the month.

Have you heard of the Mexican restaurant La Cabana? I’ve gone there only once or twice and it was a nice place; It’s in Venice. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I want to talk to you because I don’t get to talk to you that much.

Does that sound okay with you?? “

I feel really young right now for some reason. Like a teenager.

Fall Skej; Fear of …stuff

Posted: August 26, 2010 in Uncategorized

Web 286324200 AN N EA M104 LEC 1 LG 4.0 E 60 15 TR 2:00P-3:15P HAINES A2 ALLRED, L.B.
Web 347303200 SOCIOL 101 LEC 1 LG 5.0 E 150 30 MW 10:00A-11:50A BUNCHE 2209A HART, M.N.
347303203 SOCIOL 101 DIS 1C NG 0.0 E 25 M 3:00P-3:50P DODD 178
Web 347710200 SOCIOL M176 LEC 1 LG 4.0 H 120 06 MW 1:00P-2:50P HAINES 220 ROSSMAN, G.
347710205 SOCIOL M176 DIS 1E NG 0.0 W / 2 20 W 3:00P-3:50P PUB AFF 2238

Alright well I’m scared of asking girls out and it’s not that it’s not fair it’s just I’m very immature when it comes to teen traditions in our culture.

The only think I’ve taken advantage of in my age in this country was voting for that asshole Barack Obama who probably promised us shit but face it he’s in it for his little group what else is new

Anyway, I don’t know how to drive, I’ve never worked, uhm, all that ‘lovey stuff.’

It’s all one big mess of a deal but the fear is the one that I’m pussying out on. I’m afraid to hate myself for it in reality I don’t give a shit if I haven’t done all that teenager shit yet. I’m 20 and going to a bomb ass school asshole; you can suck my wicker basket if you feel I’m being a little bietch.

How the poor and rich drink

Posted: August 24, 2010 in Uncategorized

Today I went with my small family to the welfare officeand was reminded of how shitty life can be, but it’s not what I made for myself but the will of people with power.

In this building I was looking at all these young mothers, and then at my sister, and I wondered why shit like this happened. And I wondered about how people who are inside of these buildings felt. Did they feel like failures, property of the system? Did they ever think that they didn’t screw themselves over and how people in power aren’t exactly being nice to us because they put us in this type of environment in the fdirst place and to me keep us there, and I think they created this place just so they can be a leader or owner of something else too.

And in this building I remember a guy laying down, maybe Eastern European and how the guard told him not not lay down because, well he was abusing his power just like the time in Barnes and Noble where the guard that told the two old friends that hadn’t seen each other to not sit down on the floor and then later to not stand up near the windows, and then later to not move the chairs, and then told me I could sit down in the empty chair instead of standing up because I guess power is utter bullshit and controls all of our lives.

Anyway, the guy laying down was shouting how he’d been waiting over two hours for his bus tokens and frankly he shouldn’t be waiting 2 hours for bus tokens. Frankly, I don’t think the bus should cost so much. If this pattern continues, only rich ppl could afford to take public transportation, which kind of defeats the purpose of it.

Well one the saddest parts was when the guy from the fingerprint area called my name and told me to place the right index finger on the red pad thing. And to look at the camera. And I thought about how maybe when it was other people’s turn they may have smiled. And maybe that didn’t really make sense becaus it just doesn’t make sense to be positive at that place. And I realized we’re like machines and in a factory of some kind. No hi’s or goodbye’s just ‘sign here’ and put your 3 dollar index finger there, motherfucker; and close the door on your way out.

The degradation is visible if you choose to see it, but it’s an elephant in the room.

And going back to the title of this post, I feel like when the very rich drink it’s at places like the Tiger or Union Club, or maybe at Bohemian Grove, and how maybe theyd be laughing over drinks and decisions. And how maybe the poor drink alone and on a couch and maybe their skin is dark brown or black and how we never laugh when we drink, because there’s nothing worth laughing about. Especially during days like these, where you realize how the will of God isn’t what I thought it was. That He didn’t make my life this way. That our enemy just might be His too.