Money is getting in my way and always has. But I won’t let it get to me because I care too much about my goals and completing them.
You see there has always been those moments where I have put all my faith in something beyond my control, but there are times where just having faith is what’s important. Knowing everything will be fine and not fretting.
God is not a sinister being out to get me. He didn’t exactly do everything that goes on around here. So it’s not my job to expect Him to make everything better, because then we as a group know nothing and have no purpose in our world. And for that reason I have to not bug Him so much when things like this happen, because they happen so often anyway.
Ok, so my housing bill is like $3500 + dollars and I can’t spent all my shipt because I need it for tuition. And I don’t know when my loan junk will be given to me and I have been left frustrated today, but I’m trying to be optimistic here.
Hmmm well like I said, I’m not too worried about it. I WILL get my degree and if that means I have to move out of this wonderful dorm, and back to the apartment I can’t concentrate in that makes me go berserk, then I will.
I guess I have made a commitment to my education, and I honestly have no intention of ever dropping out. It’s that one goal that I just can’t forget abput until ity is finished and I’ll deteriorate if I fail.
And so it’s things like money that get in the way, but fuck that obstacle. I think the only obstacle here is me and I should know better.
And I have faith in God and myself. A negative attitude won’t really do anything. But at least a positive attitude will keep me in focus.
I’m praying that God will be my side, and that I will do what is in my control and leave the rest, whatever that may be, up to Him and this beautiful world. I just want an education. I don’t care if that’s what I’ve been socialized to want to get a good house or something and be successful. I just want my family to be proud and give back to them. I want to know that I accomplished this incredible challenge. I want Kelly to be proud and any other friend that would.
Everything will be okay, because I am strong. Nothing has ever broken me down to the point where I could never get back up. And now’s the stupidest time to. All these challenges that have been thrown at me to even BE here have looking back been a walk in the park. And I can’t help but think how easier this thing is.
How could I have been so afraid. I’m not afraid. Fear in this case is implemented in me by forces that want me to not accomplish my shit and leave everyone that ever believed in me in the dust. And they don’t deserve that.