Archive for September, 2010

Never Gonna Give Up

Posted: September 30, 2010 in Uncategorized

Money is getting in my way and always has. But I won’t let it get to me because I care too much about my goals and completing them.

You see there has always been those moments where I have put all my faith in something beyond my control, but there are times where just having faith is what’s important. Knowing everything will be fine and not fretting.

God is not a sinister being out to get me. He didn’t exactly do everything that goes on around here. So it’s not my job to expect Him to make everything better, because then we as a group know nothing and have no purpose in our world. And for that reason I have to not bug Him so much when things like this happen, because they happen so often anyway.

Ok, so my housing bill is like $3500 + dollars and I can’t spent all my shipt because I need it for tuition. And I don’t know when my loan junk will be given to me and I have been left frustrated today, but I’m trying to be optimistic here.

Hmmm well like I said, I’m not too worried about it. I WILL get my degree and if that means I have to move out of this wonderful dorm, and back to the apartment I can’t concentrate in that makes me go berserk, then I will.

I guess I have made a commitment to my education, and I honestly have no intention of ever dropping out. It’s that one goal that I just can’t forget abput until ity is finished and I’ll deteriorate if I fail.

And so it’s things like money that get in the way, but fuck that obstacle. I think the only obstacle here is me and I should know better.

And I have faith in God and myself. A negative attitude won’t really do anything. But at least a positive attitude will keep me in focus.

I’m praying that God will be my side, and that I will do what is in my control and leave the rest, whatever that may be, up to Him and this beautiful world. I just want an education. I don’t care if that’s what I’ve been socialized to want to get a good house or something and be successful. I just want my family to be proud and give back to them. I want to know that I accomplished this incredible challenge. I want Kelly to be proud and any other friend that would.

Everything will be okay, because I am strong. Nothing has ever broken me down to the point where I could never get back up. And now’s the stupidest time to. All these challenges that have been thrown at me to even BE here have looking back been a walk in the park. And I can’t help but think how easier this thing is.

How could I have been so afraid. I’m not afraid. Fear in this case is implemented in me by forces that want me to not accomplish my shit and leave everyone that ever believed in me in the dust. And they don’t deserve that.

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This guilt is getting redundant…

Posted: September 28, 2010 in Uncategorized

It’s just weird how powerful this evil inside of me is, but it just isn’t me, and its presence makes me so guilty.

I just want to be myself out loud, but it’s been hard at this new school and somehow this shock has translated into judgment. Or has it? Is this evil part of me tricking me into thinking I think everyone else is inferior/ superior??

I’m not sure, but it has been very hard to talk to people here. On one hand, I am very intimidated, but on the other I know that these are ppl that are just like me and have seen a lot and lived through a lot they shouldn’t have seen or lived through.

Why is it that I just can’t muster the ballz to go up to people here? Maybe I just don’t know what methods to use. I should look into a lot of the clubs offered here; they would help. What time is archery?? IS it now?? Is it nearby?? Let me see. It’d be over by the time I get there. so I think Friday or Saturday’d be a better time.
It’s just I feel like I’m too pressured to talk to a pretty girl, which to be honest I don’t want to even do. I just want people to talk to often and to get to know. And I guess they are everywhere I just lack the good rhythm and junk.

What does the internet have to say about my dilemma?

One article said that you need self-confidence. It also said that timing is everything and a smile could make a major impact. I understand how these may work, but it just feels so awkward and never-gonna-happen-ish. Like that feeling you get when you have homework but you just can’t get yourself to do it. It said how it should be light at first and not too personal, but I LOVE too personal. I don’t enjoy talking about light things too much. Because I guess I don’t have much hobbies. Most of my time is spent either eating, reading and writing, sleeping, and lifting (which I haven’t even been keeping up with…)

Dear God,

Posted: September 28, 2010 in Uncategorized

I haven’t prayed or talked to You in a while. My purpose of writing this to You is so I can communicate with You more. I guess everything has been going well and I don’t want you to think I only think about You when I’m in distress.

It’s weird when I don’t feel connected to You. When I do, I feel this love that dissapates throughout the people around me. I just love Your children so much and lately I have been feeling quite judgmental and biased, thinking about how many people may feel preoccupied about their looks or other things. I just want to love people because it is a good thing to do. It makes You happy and You’ve done so much for me without asking for much in return.

It’s just weird because as I write all of these things to You it feels as if I’m trying to suck up to You or something, and I don’t want that to be true. I just want You to know that I don’t want to take You for granted and to love my brothers and sisters more and not let fear get in the way.

Because with You in my heart fear is just a concept and not a reality. It’s something that thinks about what MAY happen but not what DOES happen. What does happen is a positive thing and fear prevents me from connecting to other people. Insecurities and self-esteem issues also seem to get in the way.

I just want You to know that I really want to be closer to You and however way I can be a more loving person in my actions and in my heart and mind, because it is hard to feel that way now. I guess this place doesn’t really feel like the real world, since it is a school thing. But that’s no excuse. Please be with me God. I am not liking the way I have been feeling because it does not treat people well and Your kids are so cute and I love to see em all cool-ish but in a good way.

Thank you. I love You. I love You so much and I hope You can forgive me. I just can’t help but think about all the things You may have been through- all the pain and sin in this world and injustices that plague Your world. I just want You to be happy because You do so much and expect so little. I hope I can gather the courage to be more loving to Your children. Especially ones at this school. I’m sorry I get so intimidated. I just hope You can help me with that. Sorry again n I love You, God. Thank you for everything.

Sincerely,

John

Dark Side

Posted: September 25, 2010 in Uncategorized

I think we all have a dark side. The one that has no remorse, for it does not have a concept of the past or future and the consequences that come with the present.

My dark side doesn’t necessarily have a name, but it feels like it has its own identity. I can never fully tap into it or activate it. Sometimes I will lure it outside its cage with music or try and let it think without me. Regardless, it does its own thing sometimes and I’m an idiot for letting it.

My dark side can’t feel much physical pain, nor does it detect extremes temperature. He likes the cold and doesn’t even feel the heat. It’s complicated.

I think I like having a dark side, except when it wants to do or say things I don’t want it to say, because then it separates me from people, or prevents me from caring about others, which I really want to do.

I just don’t want to want attention. I just want to be there (occasionally).

I feel better now

Posted: September 25, 2010 in Uncategorized

I am at the floor lounge and it turns out I needed to be near people. Not with people as in actively interacting, but just people to be near, to feel safe.

I feel safe. It’s going to be fine. I feel very calm now. I really do. Knowing that I’m just here makes me feel better. The kind of better where you can breathe. And maybe it may get bad when you leave them, but you aren’t thinking about that now.

They’re watching the 6th Sense, and I should join them. To be a part of it all.

Me Against the World?

Posted: September 24, 2010 in Uncategorized

Sometimes I feel like everyone is against me
But these are insecurities stemmed from
Bad experiences and paranoia
Wrought by a superficial and competitive society
And in the useless shallow sense
where it hurts to look at pupils in their pupils.

It is just a man-made conspiracy
That keeps me and others alienated
They teach us we’re not good enough
Unless we become superior; therefore
We never have equaity
And we’re left to feel like we just can’t relate.

That’s how I felt, and still do.
And it’s just strange because I am so aware
And still I fear talking, getting to know people
Knowing they won’t hurt me.
And their “actions” are nothing more
Than selective perceptions
And the filters that come with subjectivity

I want to be more like the God I believe in,
And just love people you know
It’s only hard because I make it this way.
Or is it the world around me

Thinking

Posted: September 20, 2010 in Uncategorized

So I’m in UCLA now and yesterday night was this BruinBash thing, apparently a big deal. So I went along with my journal to observe and write, because I knew that would have been the only way to enjoy it.

It featured artists that people have heard of but do not listen to. I enjoyed being there though, even though I didn’t feel like a part of it. I really loved seeing people there having fun. Love seeing people having a good time with each other.

Yesterday, Chak and I went to the school’s gym to play basketball with strangers; I am HORRIBLE at team sports, but sometimes it’s all about spending time with people.I met a couple of Graduate students from Taiwan and hopefully they will visit our dorms. I love meeting people from other countries because you learn a lot about the world without having to read or hop and a plane. And sometimes learning about a country is best done by talking to someone.

Today , I can tell, will be filled with a tremendous amount of activity. Later today, there will be all sorts of dorm meetings and such.

“Ya might think ya happy with him, but thass a lie,
So give this thug a tryyy.”

Yesterday I also met one of my new neighbors, who had a cough, but wore a surgical mask. We walked throughout our floor, trying to remember people’s names without knowing who they are, which was strange. We met:

-Calvin
-Jason
-Chris
-Jenna
-Kat (again)
-Davey
-Felina
– Ingrid
So, we met quite a few people which was great! Hopefully I meet very special people here. Yesterday I realized that I may not fit in with most of the people at the concert/ school, but I will find very special people, maybe just a handful, that I become good friends with.

That’s it for now. I feel very clean. And I am very grateful for God and my family and important people in my life for helping me out

Oh; incidentally, I wanted to start a mailbox outside the door of my dorm and on the whiteboard over it, I would write:

Question of the Day

And then I’d write the question. And other days I would ask them to put a handwritten poem inside, or anything on their mind, etc.

I think that’d be a really good idea. I’m listening to 2Pac now, and he was right, Heaven Ain’t Hard to Find; all you got to do is look. That means even though you may be going through a rough time, you can look at another aspect of your life and be thankful. Right now, the last thing I feel like doing is thinking negatively.

I may go to the student store later on to purchase a map of the world to put in my room. 😀

By the way, what does DTF stand for? There was a sign on the door next to ours with that acronym, and under it was a sign up sheet with many girl’s phone numbers. Anyway, the sign isn’t there anymore.