Archive for October, 2010

Posted: October 31, 2010 in Uncategorized

Have yo uever felt this agitated like feeling before?? Itstarts by some one doing something annoying and then your whole perception of everything changes. You take a look at something and think of how it can annoy someone. That’s kinda how by brain feels, and it makes me feel like everyone hates me, which is not true. But try telling my brain that!!

Anyway, I really need to do my homework. Ugh! Annoying thoughts keep popping in! I’d wish they all went away!

I just feel like everyone has this resentment for me, which is strange cuz most of the ppl here either like me or don’t give a darn about me. I just pray everything in my heart and theirs is okay.



INDEED. That’s how I feel about people.

Inspired by an Article

Posted: October 30, 2010 in Uncategorized

So I have realized that majoring in Sociology pobably won’t make me as much money as beig an Engineering major.

I just really like Sociology. I never really think about money to that much extent, athough it is a good thing to work where you don’t really have to worry about the financial aspects of life. But still, I really want to be AWARED. Cuz no matter how many years or millions I see in th future, that won’t mean shit if I am not aware of the forces that shape my social reality.

So I major in Soc. so I can learn about how this game of society/ reality works: the rules, the characters, onjectives, and set-up. I just want to know how everything is connected, and to kow that not so much of ‘the future is learned. I count on the future a lot but I just can’t take a picture of it or learn from it.

I need to share the beauty that is Blue October. They are great artists in my opinion. They are spectacular musicians. I dont know if they write thei own songs, but I love their music. Great band.

What will become of us

Posted: October 29, 2010 in Uncategorized

How long will we continue to live in this madness where people are stratified and kept from pursuing their dreams? Will I wake up every morning thinking about how while I slept His daughters were raped, or that His sons slain each other?

The future’s looking dim to me, and I don’t know what will happen. I guess we’re consuming and overproducing beyond any conceivable level.

Sometimes I wonder if all this exploitation of man and his world is a precursor, or a filter to a New World. I’m not sure. I just can’t bear to see my family struggle constantly to pay their bills, and survive. I know it’s not fair and I wish things could be different, I wish things could be better. I wish money wasn’t such an issue. I know there are ways we can get more but so many things get in the way, and I am tired of blaming anyone.

I don’t know if the poor will continue to struggle and the powerful will continue to oppress. I am trying to find peace with the world and embrace the present, which is perfect. I’m trying to appreciate this world. It’s just very hard. Our history and present day history is so full of anguish, corruption, the use of religion as justification for war, control, etc. we have made religion our God. But God has been before all of that. We need to practice the Lord and the real message he was to send us. To just be cool with everyone and not expect anything back. I don’t know if this will ever work/ if it’s too late now.

I just hope everything turns out well for every single one of us.


Posted: October 29, 2010 in Uncategorized

Dear God,

I haven’t written, talked, or though to You for a while. And I was just going to write this anyone who wanted to read, but I wanna write to You. And if other people want to read, then that is okay too. I wanted to write about control and the Plan You have for me and to what extent it is yours.

You see there is a very special lady in my life that I haven’t seen in a very long time and to be honest I do not feel the same way about her, maybe because I haven’t seen her for so long, but I feel if I DO see her, then I would like her a lot. But she isn’t here. I think she is the only woman I have come across that I would love not because I want to feel loved, or un-bored. I feel like I would love her just to love her and make her feel special. And that doesn’t happen too much. Yes I want to be with her because she is very pretty and has a nice voice, but I want to be with her because of the bond I think we’d have. I don’t have much of a bond with her now, but I did then.

And I’d feel that even though she may not feel the same way, or did and then hurt me, we’d still be friends. Or at least I’d be hers. That’s how much I’d care. i’d care so much that I’d be okay with her hurting me as long as she is happy, although maybe uf that happened I’d take that statement back. Anyway, I am not sure i can be with her Lord, although she is a VERY sweet girl who is not like many girls in this world.

That being said, I do not know whether I want to like anyone else. Now whenever I like someone else, it would only because there is an opportunity to like them. I hope You know what I mean. Wait, yeah, you understand. Anyway, lately I have been feeling like I should avoid women in that way, not just because of her, but Your plans for me.

Which is strange. It gets me to think, “Why SHOULD I be in a relationship; what’s the point?” I think I would only be doing it to get something out of it; only to feel like “YAY! SOMEONE LIKES ME AND THAT’S WHY I SHOULD STAY WITH THEM! NOT BECAUSE OF WHO THEY ARE BUT HOW THEY MAKE ME FEEL- GOOD!”

I don’t want to be in a relationship for that reason, really. I want to give all I can, and be happy with who that person is, imperfections and all. That’s what true love is: disliking so many things about that other person but still loving them

Anyway, I feel that I COULD feel that way about other people, bu I have been avoiding them because of her.

Anyway, it all goes back to control, I think everything goes back to control or happiness. I have to be all like: If I did like her so much and care about her, why shoudn’t I be honest. But the straneg thing is that I do not know if I like her anymore, because she’s never around. And if she liked me; then she’d be here. So maybe she doesn’t like me, which is good for me because then I’d be glad she’s happy and just go on being her friend.

I think control has become too big a part of my perspective. i was talking to Adrian today (he’s my Soc. tutor) about how Marx’s Theory is something i see and apply everywhere I go: all the exploitation, the using to have power. It happens so much. It happens in families, relationships, work, friendships. This computer I’m writing on was made in China, probably by a human being who may be living a life with not so good conditions. Perhaps he worked on it for so long, and his boss or bosses had to do almost nothing and collected all the profit, only giving him or her so much. Poor guy, I wish I knew who made this computer so I can thank them and give them a hug. Because I’m sure it was hard, and I’m sure this evil world would hate that I gave him or her a hug.

Anyway, I don’t know if I can really generalize people to the point where I can say “people just want to be cared for, noticed, loved, or feel like they are in power so they are not hurt.”

I can’t define people. I wish I could. I can’t. I’m only me. And I could never really understand someone if I ain’t them. How do I know if someone is happy or angry deep down inside. We all have such a wall put up I think. Well I think I do. Most people don’t know who the other John is. He’s very strong and brave, but that all gets filtered out…

Anyway, God, I love You with all my heart and I apologize for not praying as often as I should, and for not being all I can be with people I know.

My one wish (that CAN come true) is to be able to be very open to people and really tell them how I feel. It’s not very difficult. Maybe I should wish for an owl pin; that former wish could just be a goal.

But I am glad I could always be open to You, Lord. I appreciate You for loving all of Your children unconditionally, no matter what. I am very comforted knowing no matter what I have said or done, You have always been there for me. You are the greatest gift that I have ever been given God. I want to live my life to give back to You and Your kids that have done so much for me.

I ask You to continue blessing me and my family, and my family so that I could continue with my goals; I just want to live a good life, God. I don’t want to disappoint You, Lord. Please believe me; please forgive me.

I pray we can all learn to control ourselved, God. Please help us when we can’t help ourselves or each other. Please help deliver us from evil. I don’t want Your kids to be hurt. And I think the only remedy starts with Respect. I’m all about respect, and I know how hard it could be. Respect, to me, is Love Jr. I think loving everyone is very hard because I have to help myself and be happy, too. I just think for me it is easier to respect people and isn’t taking a big risk. I don’t think I’m strong like Christ is; I don’t know if I’ll ever be. He was very loving. It is a good feeling to know someone like Him was here and a person.

I don’t know if aliens came and probed Jesus in Mary’s womb, or if that star was really a UFO, but that stuff doesn’t really matter. His birth or death aren’t as important as His life. His life made the biggest difference to me.

Thank you for everything God. Pleas be with me and everyone else that is going to be at this partyas well as my family and especially my Mommy. Thank you and I love You.



Midterms are over

Posted: October 28, 2010 in Uncategorized

Now I can get my life in a rythym. I have all these goals and errands to do. here’s a list:

50 pushups
20 pullups
Write for scholarships
Catch up on Soc Readings
Plan Winter Classes
Take out loan perhaps
Look 4 a job
Read Behold a Pale Horse

Yeah so lately I haven’t been very active and this shit should be a start. But it’s all fun stuff; it’s not a list of chores. It should be fun more or less.

Oh yeah and today I’m going to a warehouse party somewhere. The sad thing is the mode of transportation is a, you guessed it, PARTY BUS. WTF?? Aren’t we already going to one? These days are so sad, kids my age do this thing called “pre-gaming” where they drink BEFORE they get to the party. I just don’t get it; heck I barely understand why they are drinking alcohol in the first place. Life is already beautiful enough. That’s just me though; I shouldn’t be judging them. If they want to drink they should go ahead and do it. I guess it’s just a part of the culture of it all.

Anyway, I’m going as a nerd, which just means I’m going to put on glasses and carry my BEHOLD A PALE HORSE copy and my journal WHICH I’M OBVIOUSLY GOING TO WRITE IN.



Posted: October 27, 2010 in Uncategorized


This is ***** from your Sociology 176 class with Rossman. I know this is super last minute but I had a huge favor to ask you. Due to some personal things I’m dealing with I haven’t been really able to take good notes during lecture, or even start studying for the Mid-Term tomorrow. I was wondering if there is any way you can send me your notes, and I will make it up to you for the final. It would be a huge help.

******* ”

Okay so I transferred from SMC thinking that as soon as I got here everyone would be 50x more motivated, more determined and less likely to fuck around with their education. I’m not here to jusge whatever this person went through, nor do I know whether he or she went to see Prof. and got shut down and that’s why she’s comin up to me but hell no

there are also people if this person was lying, who have admitted to not showing up, falling asleep and expecting me to fucken help em out. I thought was competitive in the sense that only a few number of As are given, or that people would say NO to when you asked, not you know trying to fucken freeload off of my knowledge.

Anyway, I talked to this lady today before my History Midterms whose name is Melissa (it wouldn’t feel right to call her a girl) and thanks to the frikkintutoring session, I couldn’t go to her group’s water speech thing. Anyway, I hope I run into her again. She was nice and she actually was the one who talked to me… she was very pretty, the kind of pretty where you didnt feel less than them or higher than them; the kind where you felt safe. I hoped that made sense. and I hope that I see her again. She was sweet.

So today there was that Jimmy Carter book signing and I can’t fucking believe that asshole Jimmy Carter didn’t shake anyone’s hands. Did you know his Executive Order Hr 4079 explained that if ever there were a national emergency the government would go into the hands of FEMA??

Can you believe this piece of shit?! I’m thankful I got to see him and all, but Illuminati ass members want to take over the world!!

I’ll do something about it. And I won’t use fear nor will I ever let them know how, who, when, or where. Because they already know why, I will not have to go into the reasons. And unlike them, I will steer clear of violence. Words, documents and the evidence I have is sufficient.

The means in which I will accomplish these ends are pretty clear. Pretty much anyone who’s studied Sociology in great deal regarding institutions understands.

Illuminati: If I threatened you, would you seize me? Would the news say I did it to a member of this organization, or would they say I did it to a public official.