I haven’t written, talked, or though to You for a while. And I was just going to write this anyone who wanted to read, but I wanna write to You. And if other people want to read, then that is okay too. I wanted to write about control and the Plan You have for me and to what extent it is yours.
You see there is a very special lady in my life that I haven’t seen in a very long time and to be honest I do not feel the same way about her, maybe because I haven’t seen her for so long, but I feel if I DO see her, then I would like her a lot. But she isn’t here. I think she is the only woman I have come across that I would love not because I want to feel loved, or un-bored. I feel like I would love her just to love her and make her feel special. And that doesn’t happen too much. Yes I want to be with her because she is very pretty and has a nice voice, but I want to be with her because of the bond I think we’d have. I don’t have much of a bond with her now, but I did then.
And I’d feel that even though she may not feel the same way, or did and then hurt me, we’d still be friends. Or at least I’d be hers. That’s how much I’d care. i’d care so much that I’d be okay with her hurting me as long as she is happy, although maybe uf that happened I’d take that statement back. Anyway, I am not sure i can be with her Lord, although she is a VERY sweet girl who is not like many girls in this world.
That being said, I do not know whether I want to like anyone else. Now whenever I like someone else, it would only because there is an opportunity to like them. I hope You know what I mean. Wait, yeah, you understand. Anyway, lately I have been feeling like I should avoid women in that way, not just because of her, but Your plans for me.
Which is strange. It gets me to think, “Why SHOULD I be in a relationship; what’s the point?” I think I would only be doing it to get something out of it; only to feel like “YAY! SOMEONE LIKES ME AND THAT’S WHY I SHOULD STAY WITH THEM! NOT BECAUSE OF WHO THEY ARE BUT HOW THEY MAKE ME FEEL- GOOD!”
I don’t want to be in a relationship for that reason, really. I want to give all I can, and be happy with who that person is, imperfections and all. That’s what true love is: disliking so many things about that other person but still loving them
Anyway, I feel that I COULD feel that way about other people, bu I have been avoiding them because of her.
Anyway, it all goes back to control, I think everything goes back to control or happiness. I have to be all like: If I did like her so much and care about her, why shoudn’t I be honest. But the straneg thing is that I do not know if I like her anymore, because she’s never around. And if she liked me; then she’d be here. So maybe she doesn’t like me, which is good for me because then I’d be glad she’s happy and just go on being her friend.
I think control has become too big a part of my perspective. i was talking to Adrian today (he’s my Soc. tutor) about how Marx’s Theory is something i see and apply everywhere I go: all the exploitation, the using to have power. It happens so much. It happens in families, relationships, work, friendships. This computer I’m writing on was made in China, probably by a human being who may be living a life with not so good conditions. Perhaps he worked on it for so long, and his boss or bosses had to do almost nothing and collected all the profit, only giving him or her so much. Poor guy, I wish I knew who made this computer so I can thank them and give them a hug. Because I’m sure it was hard, and I’m sure this evil world would hate that I gave him or her a hug.
Anyway, I don’t know if I can really generalize people to the point where I can say “people just want to be cared for, noticed, loved, or feel like they are in power so they are not hurt.”
I can’t define people. I wish I could. I can’t. I’m only me. And I could never really understand someone if I ain’t them. How do I know if someone is happy or angry deep down inside. We all have such a wall put up I think. Well I think I do. Most people don’t know who the other John is. He’s very strong and brave, but that all gets filtered out…
Anyway, God, I love You with all my heart and I apologize for not praying as often as I should, and for not being all I can be with people I know.
My one wish (that CAN come true) is to be able to be very open to people and really tell them how I feel. It’s not very difficult. Maybe I should wish for an owl pin; that former wish could just be a goal.
But I am glad I could always be open to You, Lord. I appreciate You for loving all of Your children unconditionally, no matter what. I am very comforted knowing no matter what I have said or done, You have always been there for me. You are the greatest gift that I have ever been given God. I want to live my life to give back to You and Your kids that have done so much for me.
I ask You to continue blessing me and my family, and my family so that I could continue with my goals; I just want to live a good life, God. I don’t want to disappoint You, Lord. Please believe me; please forgive me.
I pray we can all learn to control ourselved, God. Please help us when we can’t help ourselves or each other. Please help deliver us from evil. I don’t want Your kids to be hurt. And I think the only remedy starts with Respect. I’m all about respect, and I know how hard it could be. Respect, to me, is Love Jr. I think loving everyone is very hard because I have to help myself and be happy, too. I just think for me it is easier to respect people and isn’t taking a big risk. I don’t think I’m strong like Christ is; I don’t know if I’ll ever be. He was very loving. It is a good feeling to know someone like Him was here and a person.
I don’t know if aliens came and probed Jesus in Mary’s womb, or if that star was really a UFO, but that stuff doesn’t really matter. His birth or death aren’t as important as His life. His life made the biggest difference to me.
Thank you for everything God. Pleas be with me and everyone else that is going to be at this partyas well as my family and especially my Mommy. Thank you and I love You.