Posted: October 2, 2010 in Uncategorized

Sorry for writing all this… if your eyes are hurting you can just print this one out.


Sorry for bothering you all the time. Sometimes I want to tell people I see these things but it’s too hard and I think- think- I know why:

“People with social anxiety disorder usually experience significant emotional distress in the following situations:
Being introduced to other people
Being teased or criticized
Being the center of attention
Being watched while doing something
Meeting people in authority (“important people”)
Most social encounters, particularly with strangers
Making “small talk” at parties
Going around the room in a circle and having to say something”

I’m not sure if that is just one of those generalized things that everyone has, but I just can’t help but agree to all this stuff because it’s been like this for so long and it’s one of those things where I just can’t deal with it on my own. I mean I don’t let it get in the way of my goals and junk, but it sucks when there are all these people here and I’m too chicken to say anything or introduce myself…

“Loss and rejection may be so painful that the individual with this disorder will choose loneliness rather than risk trying to connect with others. The individual with this disorder has few close friends, but often is very dependent on them.”

I don’t have very much friends even though certain people may consider me to be friends of theirs. It’s just really hard to talk to people I don’t know. It feels like there’s a wall separating us. Maybe everyone feels that way, but I’m trying to think…

“They avoid contact with strangers. They are extremely kind when such contact occurs and they do everything possible to make sure that such contact is brief. ”

So there’s quite a bit of people my age sitting out in the hallway and I don’t have that passion or mood to talk to them, but I REALLY want to get to know them!

If I were to apply any of this psychological stuff, I’d say I DO feel like when I go up there it’d be really awkward and they’re probably better off without me there.

But the heart in me says to just go because they won’t think of me badly. They would probably LIKE it if I went and talked to them. Maybe I could take to them more often if I just talked to them just once.

It’s hard because it’s scary. I don’t get scared of many things likes snakes or heights, but talking to people my age or people that seem “better” than me is very difficult because it’s all in my head and it’s hard to overcome.

Cognitive therapy is when you are supposed to realize that nothing gets in your way like people or situations but only your thoughts. And it’s TRUE the only problem is overcoming that, overcoming myself. Let’s say you had a bomb in front of you and had the scissors to cut the wire. And all these people or maybe just you were looking at you, hoping you’d cut the right one. And each time you went for one you had no idea what would happen. that’s how I feel. I feel that indecision thing that keeps me from ever talking so someone; I just have no idea what to do or say unless it’s practical. I’d have to ask them something.

“They often fantasize about the situations they avoid and yet would like to experience – in their fantasies they exclude the anxiety-provoking stimuli.”

Remember when I said all it took was time and soon I’dfind my niche and be more open like on that study abroad trip?

I’m very uncertain about this Kelly. I know you probably want to slap some sense in to me like Holden’s sis did for him. I’ll go ahead and sit next to those kids and see how it goes. I’m sure the worst that can happen is an awkward moment (if they’re still there. They won’t scratch my eyes out or anything.

Thanks for putting up with me all the time.

Incidentally, I went and checked out all the commotion; it was this girl Lauren’s birthday and yesterday I told her she had a nice voice and when she said thank you I str8 up just said bye and left.

The party was just not my thing and was quite awkward for me. SEE it’s not just ME they sent the weird vibe with their body language that showed they weren’t interested in my company. Although, I told one of the girls that I didn’t know how to talk to people and you could tell she wanted to help me out. And then one guy playing video games- I asked him how he felt when he shot the dude in the game and he told me he didn’t know in an annoyed tone. It’s okay to not relate to everyone. Because you appreciate the people you CAN connect with and share things with.

I feel like I’m justifying why I was right and why everyone hates me or something. But I learned that I’m not going to fit in with everyone, well at least not without giving it some time and at the right moment/ situation.

I’m just so glad I tried it regardless and overcame something that has been plaguing me lately. I’m glad I have friends like you that I can just be myself around and not have to act all weird and junk.

Hope you’re having a good Friday night. Tomorrow is the Burning Man decompressor thing and tonight I’m going to the gym with Chak. he says he was on the table tennis team.

You know, Kelly? I’m just not the party on friday nights and get drunk and what not kind of person. I like being in small groups and although I’m not sure if there is nothing wrong with that, I feel most comfortable in those social kinds of situations. I just hope I won’t be so avoidant though.

I just can’t help but write more. I went for a walk with Chak and learned a lot about what Chinese and Asian people are all about. He said he was shocked about how many people here introduce themselves to strangers all the time; that if someone were to do that there it’d be strange. And I told him” You know what? I think I’d fit right in over there.” We were talking a lot about body image and how in China plastic surgery is very popular and that people with double eyelids are seen to be more polite and attractive and single ones are seen to be more brave/ masculine-ish. Didn’t know that. I love that about people! Every part of the world there’s some kind of way beauty is represented and a symbol of junk. But I told him that I feel people like it when others appreciate who they are the way they are and that it must feel special to not have to be someone different or to look different. I’m starting to become more comfortable with who I am, but like i said interacting with new people is a toughie. I’ll set my goals though, and if all goes well i’ll share `em.

But I’m beginning to think I’m writing to you too much and that I should stop for a while and go out into the meat of college and all. I didn’t mean that in a dirty way, but the activity of it all and ‘participate’ more. I’ll keep you posted in about a week or so. I just think a lot of these letters are starting to be about my own personal comfort and junk, which isn’t a very polite thing.

Take care, Kelly! That talk/walk with Chak really helped!



PS This, I found, and is the story of my life, my friend.

“When I really worry about something, I don’t just fool around. I even have to go to the bathroom when I worry about something. Only, I don’t go. I’m too worried to go. I don’t want to interrupt my worrying to go. ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, Chapter 6


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