Archive for December, 2010

AVPD and stuff

Posted: December 29, 2010 in Uncategorized
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I feel strange. I don’t know if all of these personality disorders are really true and not the product of socialization or are indeed psychological, at least somewhat.

I don’t want to talk to any professional because they’ll offer me things that I don’t wanna take; thingies in orange tube that will make me feel like a freak every morning and make me cry too. I don’t want to be normal, or something. I like who I am for the most part I just wish some things would be easier. I don’t know; sometimes I think everyone is crazy and hates themselves and finds a lot of social situations awkward and psychologically/ physically uncomfortable. Other times I see strangers meeting other strangers and it’s not awkward. It helps to practice talking to people.

But it can be so hard for me, it can be really scary sometimes. Sometimes I can’t walk on the same sidewalk that other people are walking on so I cross the street, or I’ll turn back around so they won’t comeinto contact with me. somtimes if I see someone I know at school I will hide until they pass me by so then I feel relieved. Somtimes they find me hiding and that is really embarassing.

Anyway, the worst part is the avoiding things completely part. I see a lot of videos or stories about how people get jobs where they have to work alone. I can’t even get a job because I feel unworthy and fear the rejection. I wish I could tell people what’s wrong with me. I wished the person I want to talk to was around. I’m kind of sad that they’re not…

I’m too afraid to start new clubs because it feels scary being in a room full of strangers that are going to talk to each other and shake hands and things. That’s weird stuff. I always feel too scared to say anything. I like it when people who talk a lot talk to me because I know they won’t care what I say or sound like. I like it when people go up to me because then I know I won’t get rejected. But it can be scary.

Like I said, I don’t want to be normal or ‘different,’ I just want certain things to be easier for me. Maybe I should take pills or join some kind of support group or do a YouTube video in a sad voice or something. I think people I know like me, and some friends I am very comfortable with and have no problem going up to them. But other friends, I can’t even do that. I just end up hiding or looking away as I walk past them, so they think I wouldn’t see them. This feels kinda crummy talking about this. I avoid people who are my friends that are talking to people I don’t know, especially if they look really different than me. I’m scared of meeting new people, and that upsets me because getting to know people and bonding with them is a very special thing.

It’s weird because people like me probably have brothers and sisters too. And it’s weirs since we talk to them whenevers like it’s nothing and say hi to them no matter where we are, or who they’re with, or if they’re having fun or not. I like it when people I barely know are alone and can’t see you so that when you see them you can choose to talk to them or keep walking, but then you feel guilty afterward. Maybe that’s okay too. But maybe they would like me around. Maybe I am worth their time and would make them feel better. I think I can be friendly and funny when I want to be.

It rarely happens when I’m in the middle of a conversation. I won’t stop talking and then start being scared. It’s just in the beginning of everything, the avoiding things. It’s awkward because you just don’t know what to say, I feel like hi just won’t work. You gotta say important stuff because or else it’ll be weird.

I like the law of attraction because it makes me feel better. I can just say I will have friends and then they will come to me. But it’s hard to go up to strangers. It’s probably hard for anyone to do that, in reality. All I do is second guess myself and come up with reasons why they don’t want me around or are too good for me and I am not worthy.

I think it was all sockball’s fault. Sockball was a game all us children used to play in elementary school and I almost always got picked last, for that, kickball, softball, etc. unless I was team captain that day, which as probably only twice. Anyway, a lot of times now I look back and think that’s why I never feel good enough or like a member of the group/ can;t stick with anything n have kinda low self esteem. I just blame sports and the girls that said I walked funny. They all have kids now at a young age. I’m not going to be mean and laugh and say I told you so, because it’s really hard to take care of a baby and all. I just wish they would have been nicer and liked me liked me, like I liked them. They were really mean and I really do think they created a monster sometimes.

But you can only blame them for so long. I realized that maybe they felt inadequate and maybe they just wanted to feel better about themselves. and maybe they didn’t know any other way but to lower someone else’s spirit or something.

One time a lady at the skating rink said I was handsome not too long ago. I don’t really have an idea to what extent I am physically attractive or not and junk. Sometimes I think I am sometimes I know I’m not; I guess it just depends.

This winter I am taking a class on Sociology of gender and body, which is what I want to research if I further my education. People are gonna be different for a reason and it’s not nice to be so mean to people who just happen to follow some lame rules anyway. In this class we are having small group discussions so hopefully I can make a new friend or talk to the girl I sat next to in Soc 101 because she wasn’t mean and talked to me and it wasn’t hard; just have to make eye contact somtimes that’s all.

I don’t know if I want a girlfriend or something; I don’t know how and I don’t think I’ll ever feel good enough. I always think about how maybe I wasn’t meant to, but I think if I told anyone that they would tell me not to say such a thing. I’m almost 20 and a half and I haven’t kissed a girl, yet. The thing is, I don’t know who to kiss and it’s scary because I believe in God and Destiny and all that stuff so i don’t want it to be at some kind of party where people are getting soaked, wasted,buzzed loaded, or any other adjective that doesn’t seem like it has to do with drinking alcohol but does anyway.

Maybe I really DID know her before I was born, or maybe she’ll never exist. I had a dream I got to see her, the person who I want that girl to be and I don’t think it worked out too well. She’s really pretty, and I feel guilty for likeing her that way because it just feels like I want to fill some kind of void or feel worthy and good about myself that I got some kind of catch or something. She has feelings to. Like I said, I’d only wanna be in a relationship to love and feel loved. I don’t think I’d ever wanna have sex on account of the awkwardness and self-inadequacy. I just want to feel normal and that no one hates me. I want to hold her and feel like everything is going to be fine. Maybe it will happen, maybe it won’t.

I don’t even know how to answer that question with or without the scientific question. I feel like a failure already. She wouldn’t like me she’s so pretty and could get a man with a golden ration looking face that drives a nice car and does impressive thinsg with his life like joining a fraternity in college or winning some athletic event and its trophy. He would make women at those socialite parties giggle as he kissed their diamond covered hands as their teeth glistened with some kind of white sparkles.

And I don’t even know how to drive. Somebody please help me. And not just the kind where you say “I used to be like you before I actually did something with my life” or “Be positive! Keep trying and be confident.” Haha yeah, writing it will make it come true!

I just want someone to give me their mailing address and a job, at UCLA preferrably. I want to see someone I haven’t seen in a very long time. Maybe that person is reading this and thinks it’s cute and not writing anything back because I might learn better that way, which is the meanest thing ever because I always wish they were around. I wish all my wishes came to true, and that Jesus is feeling okay right now. We all celebrated his birthday the other day by buying things so we wouldn’t feel guilty about life and to feel normal. Annie Lennox is a pretty cool singer. She is singing on television. I am hungry.

Please help me. Jesus would be fine. If not, I’ll take anyone of any race, gender, heightweight, religious belief, abilities/ disabilities, etc. etc. Pretty much anyone human with a spirit will do. If you’re a puppy dog that can read and write, and even talk, fuck it, you can write to me at ddghxc@yahoo.com or something. Going to go to sleep; it’s 1:33 AM.

The end.

PS: maybe the government will read this and care about me and fund my well being or something. Maybe the only way they’ll read this if I write certain keywords or some shit appear on some sort of software:

flouridated tap water

osiris

new world order

bohemian grove fire

clinton body count

bomb

bill cooper

alex jones fake

threat

new year’s day

president

theatre

speech

bank

illuminati

bilderberg

obama

death

family

porn

diabtetes

AIDS

war on drugs

chem trails

inside job 9/11

MLK JFK Abraham Lincoln assassination

Rockerfeller

JP MORGAN CHASE

derivates

virus

terrorist attack white house

carson daily’s koochie

etc.

that was so weird. I hope the person that cares doesn’t read the last part and change their mind.

Okay, so today I was looking into the law of attraction, and some shit about how everything is pretty much vibrations. So pretty much if you want something you have to not only know you want it, but you also have to know you already have it, or will have it no matter what.

You also have to change your behaviors accordingly, okay? This means that having doubt or disbelief means you are emitting an energy that translates to not wanting something. Like if I think I’m going to get rejected, it manifests itself as an order to not let that acceptance happen, because I am emitting an energy and desiring for the same energy to be received by me. So if I had the belief or acted in a waythat went against what I WANTED, then so shall I not receive. Does this make sense? I’m trying to make it make sense.

Pretty much what you don’t want or want but don’t think you are going to have is the same thing and will never let you get what you want but you doubt/ what you don’t want. If you really didn’t want to have consentual sex, you would not put yourself in the position to, okay? When you don’t want something, you emit an energy that, in my case, is very difficult to ever doubt, because you know it’s better off without you. So in a way you’ll never know you’re tricking yourself, well, because you aren’t.

It’s very easy to not get what you don’t want. Do you hate the idea of being in a room with smokers? Have you wanted them to be apart from you? If you have, you will never doubt that. You can’t trick yourself for something genuinely don’t want, AND genuinely don’t doubt your self-worth in. Meaning, you won’t really tell yourself, in that situation:

“Maybe they WILL get stick with me; maybe I’m not good enough to get what I don’t want.” When you act accordingly, you realize that in the situation where you are in a room of smokers, you will leave. Your will is so strong and so doubtless, it controls the situation from ever happening, or if it does happen, it will make it so it comes to an end.

NOW. For me it can be tricky for when I’m asking for something to be given to me. Because I doubt my self-worth when it means getting an award of some kind when the situation doesn’t match with my skill level. If I’m not confident with my test (unless it has subjective grading) than I just won’t do well. Or in my case, if I go into a situation talking to a girl, getting to know her thinking she doesn’t like me, I will act accordingly, and it will happen BECAUSE of me, because I instigated her energy with mine. So, this happens to me a lot.

Many times I feel I won’t attract or befriend someone because I feel like it won’t happen AKA I don’t want it to happen. But my behaviors via energy kind of adapt to my self-consciousness; I can’t naturally sync my gestures will the antithesis of my thoughts. That means I can’t project a lie convincingly unless I actually believe it. Of course there are good liars out there that can, but generally speaking, the way we talk with our bodies is hard to manipulate while we are in our own little world. This sounds very complex.

What I’m trying to say here that confidence is easier than I thought it would be. I can’t be a naturally confident person. I just can’t because I don’t associate my complete self with that abstract energy. What I can do is attract confident energy from external sources and redistribute it to another person, or somehow trap it. Okay, so I’m more or less comfortable saying that if I emit some kind of negative vibration, people around me will ‘pick up’ on it or sense it. So a very positive person or different person will interact with me and get bad vibes, which is because they’re energy or vibration is emitting opposite (maybe even polar opposite energies and therefore we may not necessarily click.

Please, don’t tell me ‘John, you’re thinking too much about it.’ That is a very good point you make. But the reality is some things come naturally to other people. Some people emit this type of energy because they have been for a very long time and they can’t even put it into a language or a lesson. Like when you teach someone how to ride a bike. When I see someone swirving I wanna see if I can do it. I can’t, even if I wanted to. There’s just no way my body will work that way. The rules of balance are already in place, and I may not even be in control of it, you know? That’s why it’s very difficult to change who you are. The energies you emit the strongest and most frequent are the ones you don’t even KNOW OR QUESTION are being sent. Like the way you speak. You just aren’t aware of it or in control.

So what is the summary of all this, and how does it apply to my life, or yours if you have some type of low self esteem. WELL LET’S GET THIS CLEAR: IF YOU HAVE LOW SELF ESTEEM, YOU HAVE COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT WHAT YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF AND WHAT OTHERS FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF ARE IDENTICAL AND IN A NEGATIVE WAY, OKAY? AND THAT YOU HATE YOURSELF SOLELY BECAUSE OTHERS DO WHEN IN REALITY YOU FEEL OTHERS HATE YOU BECAUSE YOU TREAT YOURSELF WITH NEGATIVE ENERGY, FOR WHATEVER REASON. Well the first step in overcoming a lowly feeling is obviously being aware that you are wrong and irrational.

Now that you believe in yourself or at least don’t believe what you feel is worth believing in, only then can you start to believe something else.

You need to tap into a positive thought and either accept it or acknowledge that you choose to reject it or doubt it. Soon this stuff will happen so fast you won’t be stuck in a train of thoughts (a train of thoughts). If you choose to reject that postive energy, it is different than just rejecting it. Rejecting it may not imply you are aware of your decision. But when you choose to reject it, you know if you want to or not, meaning you know are in control of the energies that are leaving you and entering you, which is THE best and only way to change your energies.

It’s not really magic. It takes a lot of time and practice unless it’s something you find rather easy or skilled in already. I can ride a bike with one arm confidently, I do it all the time; I speak English all the time; I don’t even THINK about having confidence in my ability of speaking English, even though there is a confidence in it, okay?

so you also need to adjust your behavior accordingly to your thought. If you ant to be confident, take the necessary steps to become confident. It’s not always based on the way we look, of course, but if we like the way we look we also come to the conclusion that peop,e have defined the way I look to be likeable, so therfore they will continue to like how I look and treat me accordingly. It is important to love yourself if you want to be loved just as important it is to truely love others if you yourself want to be loved.

So if I’m feeling afraid, scared or hate myself I must acknowledge that it is a choice, that my energy is something I am emitting and not just receiving, okay? I am beginning to realize why having a best friend is so important. A best friend has 99.999999999999% unconditional love towards you. Almost family. There can only be a tiny opening for them to love you with set conditions. So you never second guess your friendship, because it’s just something you don’t question. I don’t question that a triangle has three and only three sides. Because it is a law or something in a sense, every triangle I’ve come across has this characteristic and isn’t worth questioning you know?

Same can go for inadequacy. There are varying degrees when it comes to low self esteem. Some people don’t even question whether they are worthy. They feel they are SO unworthy that the thought that there is something else is out there doesn’t even CROSS THEIR MIND.

Just try for yourself! You know who you are. You like yourself, don’t you? The thing is, no matter how much I think I hate myself, that’s really a lie. Selfish people and selfless people have something in common: they like who they are. People who are selfish are only looking out for themselves; and it’s not like selfless people are seeking to hurt themselves; they know how they treat other people is how they would want to be treated and act accordingly. They admire who they are and attempt to preserve it. Selfish people do the same just by DIFFERENT MEANS. So we will always have self-importance but that does not mean we are selfish or justifies selfishness. Selfishness is putting other people through harm for your benefit, whereas selflessness is putting people in a good position without condition, and does involve some sacrifice, but not to the part wear you can be COMPLETELY depleted of the love for yourself. People don’t hate themselves. If they truely had low self esteem, then thinking about themselves would be so appalling that they wouldn’t even want to. If you did have some respect of yourself, you would at least think of your needs, you would at least have the appropraite emotion which does involve effort. So you are always going to love yourself, it’s just a matter of how you treat yourself and the level of your self esteem.

Absloute zero doesn’t exist apply to people. Absloute zero is the temperature in which absolutely no molecular movements are taking place. It’s not -80 degrees; it’s much colder, because -80 is just slow, not still. But we never stop thinking about our own needs completely. I think even Jesus, as altruistic as he was, thought about his own existence, he starved, he had a passion, he wanted something. Of course it wasn’t for his sake (it was much more for God’s children), but nevertheless he put effort into what he wanted or what his Father knew we NEEDED in this world. Jesus acknowledged himself. That certainly doesn’t translate into selfishness in his case. The point is, rather THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS POST is that truely wanting something means acknowledge that you don’t have it, and accepting that it is possible to have it. You don’t want something you don’t desire, so you don’t get it. Law of attraction. When you need something, you more or less do what it takes(WHATEVER IT TAKES AT TIMES), whether your body does it involuntarily for survival or your mind does it voluntarily for comfort. When you need something that emission or that signal that you desire it is free of doubt, and it comes to you every time. That’s the truth. If you think God doesn’t want you to have it, guess what you are giving God the heads up, you are sending a vibration that tells God YOU don’t want to have it. Yep. I TRUELY want to win that essay contest. I TRUELY need that money. I KNOW I will use it to pay my housing bill. I truely ask God and emit the energy that thinks I’m going to get it because I really do want it that badly. If I don’t get it I will be asked to move out, I will be full of shame and negativity, so it is something

a) I know I want very badly and
b) I know will not hurt me, short term or long term.

So I pray, I wish, desire, want enough money to pay for my school housing. If this was not meant to happen, then this energy deep down inside me does not want it to. That energy doesn’t belong to my consciousness and I need to make that known. I really want the money to pay for my housing and I am attracting the universe to give it to me. It will make me a more positive person, it will give me a chance to get to know people more. If only I had known this earlier. But I am ready for it now, and I am more focused now. Any energy I feel is a choice okay? If a woman is in an abuse relationship and doesn’t do anything, that doesn’t mean she likes the idea. It means she hasn’t taken the steps to escape it. The only way she would have no choice, is if the thought of leaving would not even CROSS her mind; or if his actions did not even CONSITITUTE as being detrimental to her physical, mental, or emotional (spiritual) health. Of course she might be afraid to leave, in fear of getting hurt, but her DESIRE TO SEEK A BETTER LIFE/ A WAY OUT is either with her or without her. I don’t mean she’s not forced to be with him, but never is she forced to WANT to be with him, you get me?

Well this is a long ass blog. I’m emitting these energies in a confident and responsible manner; therefore they will happen. No doubt in my mind!

You know you’re a white person on Christmas when:

-You have dinner sets especially made for Christmas

– Your stocking stuffers are equivalent to family like mine’s most significant GIFT

– You take family portraits with fancy digital imaging

– Not one speck of green can be seen on your tree- just lights or SILVER OR RED SHINY

– Everything is in a box. Not a bag, not in some original packaging that’s not shaped like a box. This is true.

– Christmas dinner where people are actually sitting at the table and not the couch.

-Wine.

– Holiday songs in the background

-Some kind of annual ceremony involving the youngest child or something

-This is a classic- leaving milk and cookies for Santa. I suspect this has been a strictly white family tradition for centuries.

– Some kind of argument or emotional eruption- and not the pretty kind.

-Some story of college days dealing with some underrated English-sounding city adjacent to Boston.

-Candles lit up without need for them.

-The white people house smell during Christmas. It’s like they have this stuff bottled; I don’t know what it is but it is.

-Some kind of trip on the van after present- opening.

-A family photograph with genuine smiles; bodies covered with the corniest Christmas sweaters ever manufactured in the history of China or knitted by Grandma. The 2nd is more common as one can account for the need of authenticity at every corner and at every holiday.

-A fireplace.

-Saying grace.

-A trip to the local town square where they gather ’round observing the locals- usually a class lower and either playing an instrument, dancing, singing, or doing all three at the same time, which is most common.

-MATCHING CLOTHES.

I don’t mean to offend or make claims of superiority/ inferiority. Just all in good humor. MERRY CHRISTMAS!

If I had a dream life…

Posted: December 24, 2010 in Uncategorized

Her name would start with an E, and she’d be very much into foreign films and shopping at Whole Foods and playing Nintendo Wii with friends.

She would probably have a french accent even though she only knows a handful of French words. Everyone would be jealous of her house with all kinds of different and elegant “themes.”

She would run errands for me and drive me to work or to the bank, waiting in the car while I make a deposit. I would give her a kiss and she would always ask me how my day was.

She wouldn’t be my mom, but she would be my wife that I didn’t have to love. And she would make all my dreams come true. And I would be there for her when she needed me.

Maybe she would like to drink wine at the park, and I could push her while she’s on the swings, and then she’d laugh like crazy.

I would let her live her life as I’d live mine. We’d never fall in love. We would just look out for one another, maybe make a shitload of money and even a shitload more combined and go to different areas of the world, but we wouldn’t be humanitarians because we would think humanitarians are assholes because they’re always in front of the camera.

We wouldn’t be around each other all of the time because that’s just icky and we both know that. But we probably wouldn’t choose anyone else because we’d both think we couldn’t get anyone else either. Why does this post feel semi- deja vu?

Anyway, we would never have any kids. If we ever had the urge we would put ads for baby sitting and just pretend like it was ours for one time in any given week. And every other year we would offer to babysit older kids so it would feel realistic.

She would be really sweet around me, as would I. I’d take care of her when she is sick and lick her vagina because I know it’d feel good for her, and that is what she’d need. I would never ask the same for her and she would be okay with that.

Every holiday we’d make a card for each other, and Valentines Day would be the funnest because I’ve made many handmade cards before.

We’d be friends more than anything, but we’d rarely talk to one another. We’d just fill some kindof void that our culture wants us to, but that we wouldn’t even care about. We’d just be together so we can forget about all that shit and do what we want to do, our own personal goals.

You see we don’t like the idea of just living and dying. I’d just want to live, do something big and die in the process. That’s the truth. I wouldn’t care about getting a paycheck, buying a car, getting into things and shit. Just know what I want, do what I want. I’d want to be free and I’d want everyone to do what they want to do deep down inside, without external pressures.

On annaverseries we would fall asleep for hours or something and hold each other; that would be the only day we’d give each other a gift. We’d get married on her birthday, which would be Valentines Day, so that I would never ever forget and so I could get a year’s worth of gifting done in one day.

We would do activities instead of buying presents. Maybe we would go walk around the beach, or maybe we could paint things or go do things once a year that a couple would do.

I’d be a little boy the whole time who’d never want to grow up. I don’t know what she’d be like. She’d probably have some career in like… I don’t know; something that doesn’t use computers. I would just teach some kind of class at some kind of school.

And when we get depressed we would just go to sleep in the middle of the day next to each other or just cry together or something.

I don’t really care that this may not exactly be a manly thing because nowhere in here did I mention “tapping that sh*t” or buying her a car so she could do this and this to me or something, or love me, as if she’d hate me if I didn’t get her a car.

I feel upset because this room looks like a safety hazards there are too many sweaters around here maybe I should go donate some my life is bullshit I want out this is such a crappy way to live I hope everything gets better I hope miracles happens my life sucks and I wish I would do something about it I wish I won that essay contest. If I don’t I’d probably get kicked out of my housing this what horrid shit. I feel sad.

And I played the game of LIFE a bit earlier. It was fun because you got to be a lawyer and you didn’t hear when your kids cried. And you got to pay off your student loans, and you didn’t have to put up with anything negatove, because more positive stuff came in. I just wish I wasn’t so negative and didn’t hate life so much. This is because I take a lot for granted even though I shouldn’t. I have a home, legs, food to eat, and a computer to write with. I live in sunny California where there are no clouds and it is late December at 65 degrees (farenheit) Minnesota’s probably in the negatives and they probably won’t see the sun for months, who knows. Kids in Maine probably have different lives altogether. Who knows.

I spent so much of my life imagining because I enjoy the scenarios, and I don’t enjoy REAL life scenarios. But either way I just end up feeling like shit. I want to help my mom. Maybe I should. I’ll ask her what she wants me to do with the vacuum. I like helping people, it makes me feel less guilt and it keeps my mind of of horrible things; keeps my mind off of things in general…

The vacuum thing broke and we can’t find any more of those black rubberbands. I don’t like it when people talk about things that you don’t want to talk about. I don’t mean “Let’s talking about something interesting; not that Quidditch tornymint.” I mean this:

What about money; where are you going to get the money?”

“I don’t want to TALK about it, that’s all.”

It’s just not fair. How come my own dad won’t help me pay for school? HE has more than enough money and he just doesn’t care! I feel like a 16 year old right now; when your parents or your parent thoughts are bothering you but you know it’snot worth your energy to yell so you just complain in writing or leave the house and do something stupid like have sex or do drugs. Writing’s just as bad. I don’t tackle my problems head on; I just write them down because I know how much misery loves company but at least when people read my shit they can close their eyes and not see it.

But if I talked to someone about it, they’d still hear me. And it’s even harder to do that in a home because you can’t always just leave. You have to stay and feel the loathing. I want out and the only way I can do that is not be afraid or to go back in time. They’re both just as hard and test my psyche. Everyone hates everything and I feel so negative. I don’t want to die I just wish we wouldn’t be so oppressed and taught to want more more and more never reaching what it is we truly need because that’s always put in the back burner.

Sometimes I wish my mom ran away, but I don’t say that to be mean. So she wouldn’t have to live here or take care of us. Then maybe, just maybe, my dad would have at least pretended to care about us.

I keep blaming my parents but it’s all the power elite’s and my own fault. The world had to be fucked up. And now my own little bubble is. The world where nothing goes my way because it seems like it’s all out of my control and I just get so frustrated because I know I’m lazy and afraid and need to stand up and do something. I just want to go run away, don’t we all. I don’t have any engine, I just have a lot of fuel and potential energy but no kinetic. I’m the huge boulder dangling at the top of the card house. And something inside me keeps me from cutting off the wire. And I say “But no one wants to help me” knowing I have to be the one that starts it, as shitty as it may be. In reality we’re all self-interested creatures. I know I am but I don’t want to keep living that way. I’m just going to ignore it and take the pain.

“Tenemos que luchar.” But what are we fighting? Some kind of bad karma, some kind of hard life EVERYONE lives? Can’t you see there is no kharma, that God isn’t fucking our lives up? Can’t you see these forces at work are the same ones that make our decisions, the ones we vote for , the ones we revere? When will we see who truly is out to get us, who the elite are, and what their intentions are? They don’t believe in the Lord; if they did the world would be a much safer place.

I took a break and I don’t feel as bad, but it is important to leave that stuff on because it needed to be written. I know it is very wrong but hen you are upset you are irrational. Irrationality must be documented. If not, it makes perfect sense.

End.

I don’t have a social life. Does anyone? I have a facebook and talk to people in little snippits, but it’s mostly just in suboordinate clauses:

“wasn’t that good”

“seemed like a good idea at the time”

“didn’t get to go:(”

I’ve never really had a best friend. I think I had one in the 2nd grade, but how can I be sure? I don’t KNOW if I did or not. I personally don’t like the idea of me having one to tell you the truth; it would be much harder to pity myself if I did have one.

I was going to broadcast my voice on YouTube, but I was way too scared to. Nobody but me hates me. Nobody hates you except you, maybe.

I don’t have anything to look forward to except jacking off into a cup 3x a week. I don’t even have dreams anymore because well I just don’t feel like it that’s all. Of course I dream but I make it all a blur. I hate myself too much to the point where I don’t make any type of physical or verbal contact with anyone except on occasion or when it’s some kind of retail store transaction, and even then i find some kind of way to make it somewhat awkward.

It’s amusing to me sometimes, how absolutely pathetic I can be, but it can get depressing when I’m around a lot of people.
What I was thinking of doing a YouTube video about the mass manipulation going on here, but I was too self-conscious about that shit. I don’t like my voice very much. I feel out of place, and say everyone else does too, but some people have best friends, some people don’t mind their voice.

All I know how to do is imagine. All I can do is try and fail horribly. I wouldn’t want to talk to someone about it, though. It’s too non-acceptable. I talked to I guess she’s my friend. Well, she is. I hate the media. It’s getting sad. I think for some strange reason it is all starting to surface, the exposure of this manipulation the oppression. And you think it would make things better. But it doesn’t do anything but just make us guilt or sad when we do it, when we further support the power elite financially and ideologically.

But I’m tired of saying it’s sad and my life sucks but I should be lucky to be alive, or have bread and a bike, and that other people have it worse. But that just makes me hate it even more. Because if someone else is in even more pain, then wtf is going on here? Some pretty evil shit, that’s what. Why should the richer get richer; why should the poor get poorer? WHo is okay with this; the rich? Certainly not the poor.

Learning about conspiracy theories has taught me to not give a fuck about them. I should focus on the things I know are true, and commonly accepted; things I can work with. Why do I care about aliens or UFO’s, or the assassinations of JFK and Lincoln due to these secret societies. Even if I did have factual evidence, we can’t undo what happened. Hekc, everyone who was part of the latter President isn’t even alive anymore. The Federal Reserve Bank was responsible for horrible shit, sure. But going back in time won’t do anything now. I don’t even know too much about economy.

The baby’s crying is existent. I don’t want to have sex. And I don’t care what people think. I don’t want to kiss anyone, nor have I. I don’t want to and I don’t care what people think. Cuz:

a) they don’t care most likely and
b) I can’t even read their mind

It’s gotten to the point where I know other people don’t hate me. I could be handsome if I really wanted to project that image. I bet a lot of people like me, but that doesn’t do anything when you don’t like who you are- even on the inside. Is it even worth trying to fix at this point?

Have you ever been to some kind of party and there where a group of girls taking a picture with one another? I don’t mean two or three, I mean like 6 or something. WTF does that even mean. It’s an exclusive thing. You have to have a group picture just with the girls, even though there might be guys that they were just socializing with that COULD HAVE BEEN in that photograph.

I don’t know if I’ve ever been hurt. I’m sure I have and I’m sure everybody has. Everytime I think about someone that I don’t see anymore and am expected (by myself) to still write to them, it just feels like a big slap in the face, while I’m helplessly on the ground. I remember in my journal I wrote about that part of the dream where I didn’t go through the beautiful forest path because I was afraid the sun would go down and there were going to be monsters, so I took the familiar road because I felt it was safer, and although it sucked at least it wouldn’t hurt so bad. I just wish sometimes I would take that magnificent route with the colorful forest and the beautiful waterfall.

I can’t say that part out loud. I’m just me. I don’t feel I have a gender, race, income, etc. I feel that’s just stuff I’d be seen from other people’s point of view. I’m just little old awkward, self-conscious, somewhat amusing John. And I don’t know if I should change, or sure how to.

I miss watching TV. When I watched TV I didn’t feel anything because I was too focused on the talking 2D people with nice lives, to the point where I was hanging out with them. They never complained about the recession, the exploitation; they never criticized me. They could never hurt me. I think drugs are things that we use because we want something to be there for us at any moment we want it. I think pain is good. But I think mine is chronic. It’s also dull. Very very very dull and repetitive. I wish I believed in myself more…

I wish I didn’t care about anyone. Because then I would be okay with being too scared. But I DO care about people. I wish I could get to know everyone. It’s too scary for me, and that’s where the sadness starts. Doesn’t end though.

I also wish I could keep doing facebook statuses, but that makes you look like you’re always on it, but chances are, you always are. I wish I’d never started one. Maybe I would be in a worse off place.

I miss being happy if you really want to know the truth. I can be happy if I wanted to; there’s no reason for me to feel so bad about myself and all.

Googling people who think they’re pathetic because it feels fun to think you’re pathetic for some reason. I’ve got to get help before things get worse.

Ok. I should really stop hating myself because it really does project out when I’m dealing with other people, and the last thing I’d wanna do is have other people go through all this shit. I love people I don’t wanna see em fucked up like me.

My Christmas wish is to get over some things and also project a good positive feeling. Maybe I need to exercise more or talk to someone about these feelings I have been having. The point is no one in this world is going to go up to you and say “I’m here to listen; I’m here to make all of your problems go away.” Like me, all they care about is their own well being, They’re dealing with it by taking up a hobby, shopping, or maybe even doing drugs.

If everyone was waiting for someone to go up to them, then no one would know anyone. I need to be an initiator, an approacher. I think sometimes girls are lucky because they can go up to a guy or a girl. When I go up to a girl I feel janky, and I don’t want to go up to a guy. Not because it’s gay, which it’s not. But why the fuck would I want to actively seek a guy to talk to? That happens inevitably in classes or in the street anyway. Talking to girls is the hard thing for me to do, especially when you feel so badly about yourself like I do.

I bet a lot of people feel this way about themselves. Wearing bourgeois clothes helps me. It makes me feel taller and what not. But I lost my retainer and my teeth have shifted dramatically-ish.

But the more you hate yourself the less you surround yourself with new people. And the less you surround yourself with new people/ people in general, the more you hate yourself until the cycle reaches two extremes: You feel extremely alone and have SO much self-hatred. That in itself is a prison to be feared; a hell on Earth, if you will.

I want to join some kind of Christian group at my school. Not to like… practice my religion, but to at least know everyone is going to love me. They won’t dare express any type of body language that didn’t translate to “I’m avoiding you.” They’d probably think it’s a sin and would love me no matter what I say. I question the Bible too much though. Not in a blasphemous type way though. Just to the point where it can get annoying.

I need to talk to someone. I just can’t expect them to write back. I don’t want them to because I like talking to people face to face, ironically.

Suck a dick; hug a trick, pick up a stick.

I’m out. Peace.

If I really wanted to attract some kind of female I’ll have to follow certain rules- lets face it. Women like them some confident educated man or something. You obviously don’t have to BE that, you just have to project some kind of image. unfortunately many people have been manipulated into being attracted to exclusive looking people based on race, height and what not. I can’t ever be a black guy for a girl who wants me to be. I can’t be shorter or taller in a natural type of way, so there shouldnt be any reason why I would want to change myself for such selective, manipulated people.

I think before, I didn’t think I should change because people should like me for who I am, but that’s not necessarily going to happen/ should happen. A serial killer under arraignment isn’t going to tell the jury “Why can’t you just like me for who I am and let me go. Of course I murdered 80 people, but I’m not going to change, so TREAT me with dignity and acceptance. Of course that guy or girl is being herself and can’t really change what kind of person they are. But that doesn’t mean these actions are acceptable.

I hate myself and I wouldn’t blame a chick for picking some guy over me, especially if she is a remarkable person. Why wouldn’t I dislike her decision? Because I know she’s better off with someone who will make her happy. I know I wouldn’t want to be with a person that she didn’t like. She doesn’t deserve that if she is a remarkable person. And if she wasn’t, I honestly wouldn’t even like her in the first place or even be in that situation.

The point is, that if I want to live my life a certain way, I’ve got to take the necessary steps to do it. It doesn’t have to be perfect at all. But I can’t expect to get an A in a class where get Ds on the exams/ straight up don’t study.

Do I want to get to know strangers? I’m just not sure anymore. I think if I really did want to I would have done it already. It’s not necessary. Necessity is the mother of all inventions, or something. That means I don’t really want what I think I want. What I want is to just go with the flow in all actuality. Leave me alone, me and help me welcome in the New Year!

I don’t want to look pretty, I don’t want to have a mizansion. I don’t want to exploit or hurt anyone. I just want to feel important and good about myself, and I want everyone to be who they truely are deep down inside. That would be a beautiful world. I need to stop hating myself/ my life so much. Thinking any contradictory way is just askig for trouble. Your concious isn’t always going to be socially constructed. If you really look DEEP DEEP down inside you’ll learn to think for yourself, LEARN from yourself and look into your heart.

Looking into your heart is being realistic and finding a way to help as many people as you can in a given situation. This ivolves escaping the mass manipulation, alienation, segregation and other forms of control your imperfect and corrupted society has attacked you with your whole life. It’s not going to be easy, but if you really want it to happen, then I think it will.

When the rain is gone

Posted: December 22, 2010 in Uncategorized

When the rain is gone
I hope to feel bright
No more hatred
The sun is my friend
But not my God.

When the rain is gone
I wish to love myself
And make sense
Sense of these forces
Shape me, Supress me

Cloudage still here
Walking slowly
Alienation anomie
They shake my hand
They comfort me.

I hope that when the sun comes out all of this blurriness will go away.