I feel strange. I don’t know if all of these personality disorders are really true and not the product of socialization or are indeed psychological, at least somewhat.
I don’t want to talk to any professional because they’ll offer me things that I don’t wanna take; thingies in orange tube that will make me feel like a freak every morning and make me cry too. I don’t want to be normal, or something. I like who I am for the most part I just wish some things would be easier. I don’t know; sometimes I think everyone is crazy and hates themselves and finds a lot of social situations awkward and psychologically/ physically uncomfortable. Other times I see strangers meeting other strangers and it’s not awkward. It helps to practice talking to people.
But it can be so hard for me, it can be really scary sometimes. Sometimes I can’t walk on the same sidewalk that other people are walking on so I cross the street, or I’ll turn back around so they won’t comeinto contact with me. somtimes if I see someone I know at school I will hide until they pass me by so then I feel relieved. Somtimes they find me hiding and that is really embarassing.
Anyway, the worst part is the avoiding things completely part. I see a lot of videos or stories about how people get jobs where they have to work alone. I can’t even get a job because I feel unworthy and fear the rejection. I wish I could tell people what’s wrong with me. I wished the person I want to talk to was around. I’m kind of sad that they’re not…
I’m too afraid to start new clubs because it feels scary being in a room full of strangers that are going to talk to each other and shake hands and things. That’s weird stuff. I always feel too scared to say anything. I like it when people who talk a lot talk to me because I know they won’t care what I say or sound like. I like it when people go up to me because then I know I won’t get rejected. But it can be scary.
Like I said, I don’t want to be normal or ‘different,’ I just want certain things to be easier for me. Maybe I should take pills or join some kind of support group or do a YouTube video in a sad voice or something. I think people I know like me, and some friends I am very comfortable with and have no problem going up to them. But other friends, I can’t even do that. I just end up hiding or looking away as I walk past them, so they think I wouldn’t see them. This feels kinda crummy talking about this. I avoid people who are my friends that are talking to people I don’t know, especially if they look really different than me. I’m scared of meeting new people, and that upsets me because getting to know people and bonding with them is a very special thing.
It’s weird because people like me probably have brothers and sisters too. And it’s weirs since we talk to them whenevers like it’s nothing and say hi to them no matter where we are, or who they’re with, or if they’re having fun or not. I like it when people I barely know are alone and can’t see you so that when you see them you can choose to talk to them or keep walking, but then you feel guilty afterward. Maybe that’s okay too. But maybe they would like me around. Maybe I am worth their time and would make them feel better. I think I can be friendly and funny when I want to be.
It rarely happens when I’m in the middle of a conversation. I won’t stop talking and then start being scared. It’s just in the beginning of everything, the avoiding things. It’s awkward because you just don’t know what to say, I feel like hi just won’t work. You gotta say important stuff because or else it’ll be weird.
I like the law of attraction because it makes me feel better. I can just say I will have friends and then they will come to me. But it’s hard to go up to strangers. It’s probably hard for anyone to do that, in reality. All I do is second guess myself and come up with reasons why they don’t want me around or are too good for me and I am not worthy.
I think it was all sockball’s fault. Sockball was a game all us children used to play in elementary school and I almost always got picked last, for that, kickball, softball, etc. unless I was team captain that day, which as probably only twice. Anyway, a lot of times now I look back and think that’s why I never feel good enough or like a member of the group/ can;t stick with anything n have kinda low self esteem. I just blame sports and the girls that said I walked funny. They all have kids now at a young age. I’m not going to be mean and laugh and say I told you so, because it’s really hard to take care of a baby and all. I just wish they would have been nicer and liked me liked me, like I liked them. They were really mean and I really do think they created a monster sometimes.
But you can only blame them for so long. I realized that maybe they felt inadequate and maybe they just wanted to feel better about themselves. and maybe they didn’t know any other way but to lower someone else’s spirit or something.
One time a lady at the skating rink said I was handsome not too long ago. I don’t really have an idea to what extent I am physically attractive or not and junk. Sometimes I think I am sometimes I know I’m not; I guess it just depends.
This winter I am taking a class on Sociology of gender and body, which is what I want to research if I further my education. People are gonna be different for a reason and it’s not nice to be so mean to people who just happen to follow some lame rules anyway. In this class we are having small group discussions so hopefully I can make a new friend or talk to the girl I sat next to in Soc 101 because she wasn’t mean and talked to me and it wasn’t hard; just have to make eye contact somtimes that’s all.
I don’t know if I want a girlfriend or something; I don’t know how and I don’t think I’ll ever feel good enough. I always think about how maybe I wasn’t meant to, but I think if I told anyone that they would tell me not to say such a thing. I’m almost 20 and a half and I haven’t kissed a girl, yet. The thing is, I don’t know who to kiss and it’s scary because I believe in God and Destiny and all that stuff so i don’t want it to be at some kind of party where people are getting soaked, wasted,buzzed loaded, or any other adjective that doesn’t seem like it has to do with drinking alcohol but does anyway.
Maybe I really DID know her before I was born, or maybe she’ll never exist. I had a dream I got to see her, the person who I want that girl to be and I don’t think it worked out too well. She’s really pretty, and I feel guilty for likeing her that way because it just feels like I want to fill some kind of void or feel worthy and good about myself that I got some kind of catch or something. She has feelings to. Like I said, I’d only wanna be in a relationship to love and feel loved. I don’t think I’d ever wanna have sex on account of the awkwardness and self-inadequacy. I just want to feel normal and that no one hates me. I want to hold her and feel like everything is going to be fine. Maybe it will happen, maybe it won’t.
I don’t even know how to answer that question with or without the scientific question. I feel like a failure already. She wouldn’t like me she’s so pretty and could get a man with a golden ration looking face that drives a nice car and does impressive thinsg with his life like joining a fraternity in college or winning some athletic event and its trophy. He would make women at those socialite parties giggle as he kissed their diamond covered hands as their teeth glistened with some kind of white sparkles.
And I don’t even know how to drive. Somebody please help me. And not just the kind where you say “I used to be like you before I actually did something with my life” or “Be positive! Keep trying and be confident.” Haha yeah, writing it will make it come true!
I just want someone to give me their mailing address and a job, at UCLA preferrably. I want to see someone I haven’t seen in a very long time. Maybe that person is reading this and thinks it’s cute and not writing anything back because I might learn better that way, which is the meanest thing ever because I always wish they were around. I wish all my wishes came to true, and that Jesus is feeling okay right now. We all celebrated his birthday the other day by buying things so we wouldn’t feel guilty about life and to feel normal. Annie Lennox is a pretty cool singer. She is singing on television. I am hungry.
Please help me. Jesus would be fine. If not, I’ll take anyone of any race, gender, heightweight, religious belief, abilities/ disabilities, etc. etc. Pretty much anyone human with a spirit will do. If you’re a puppy dog that can read and write, and even talk, fuck it, you can write to me at email@example.com or something. Going to go to sleep; it’s 1:33 AM.
PS: maybe the government will read this and care about me and fund my well being or something. Maybe the only way they’ll read this if I write certain keywords or some shit appear on some sort of software:
flouridated tap water
new world order
bohemian grove fire
clinton body count
alex jones fake
new year’s day
war on drugs
inside job 9/11
MLK JFK Abraham Lincoln assassination
JP MORGAN CHASE
terrorist attack white house
carson daily’s koochie
that was so weird. I hope the person that cares doesn’t read the last part and change their mind.