I can’t write what I want to

Posted: December 9, 2010 in Uncategorized

I thought today wasa going to be a beautiful day, but it’s just like any other one. Lately I haven’t being as happy and grateful as I should be and that gets me to think negatively and with guilt and regret which is no good. Today I was positive and then someone said something negative (not even about me) and I not only felt not positive; I knew that that saying harshed my pos.

I just want to be happy who doesn’t. Maybe I don’t ‘go with the flow’ enough.

I have a very hard time accepting things that don’t even hurt anyone. I think too much, but that youtube video about being positive helped. It says you have to have a loving heart or positive heart to really feel anything valuable. I feel I am not as nice as I could be. Of course I’m not too mean, but I could do more for my community/ world…

It’s hard to be positive in a world you can’t always relate to, but you really CAN. I don’t know why I feel so low now, maybe it’s the food I have been eating, or how I haven’t made many friends this quarter, which is already over somehow…

There’s just a lot wrong with me and now the winter break is coming and I am afraid to live, because I know that will be a bad place to enter…

Maybe the guy from the video was right, maybe I should ask someone for help. I would be willing to help a friend if they went up to me.

You see, the thing is, a lot of people don’t ask for help when they really need it. It’s very scary for what ever reason. I need to stop being afraid, but it’s one of those things I can’t do on my own, and it’s not fair how the world doesn’t stop for me, sure, but why should it. I’m just one person. The world is more than 6 billion. One is less than six billion I rather the world stop for them…

You see, all my life I have wanted to make people happy, but you can’t do that if you hate yourself and how you can be. My name is John and I think I have low self-esteem. And it’s kind of a big deal because my life would be so much different if I wasn’t so hard on myself… If anyone is reading this, I hope you would talk to me, stranger. I am to scared to talk to a stranger. I don’t care what you look like. I don’t care if you are a video game addict or a girl with short hair like a boy, I go to a shallow school and eventually you either are a part of it or you grow up and realize that yeah I can be shallow, but it won’t do anything.

I can be shallow in real life. When your world is shallow, you see yourself with eyes of shallow human beings that kind of didn’t exist until whatever came a long…

So, I will be your friend if you promise to never hurt yourself, even with words. I will be here to support you because I know how it feels. I think people like it when someone listens, but how when that person won’t say anything.

These are the things I know yet I do not put into practice. I know to be positive, but I do not know how to be positive. I know to not regret, but I only know how to regret. I don’t know if Psychology is a made up fairyland. As a sociology major, I tend to think that way, that it all depends on the community you grew up in.

But I think there’s more to it. We can have a perfect world without being perfect. The way we can become organized, eventually, can be great, with its defects as contributing to the whole. If people have their freedom and learn to share and contribute and not hurt anyone, we can all be happy. We won’t be perfect, but that’s the nice part. You don’t have to be perfect to be happy. You just have to be happy and love and feel loved.

But when people are slaves to a system they were born into, when their goals to better themselves and their community are held back because of a drug called POWER, that’s not right. You can try and justify it by saying not everyone is going to have the same amount of money. But to that, I shall ask why does it all have to be about money. In my sociology class, Durkheim hated capitalism, and guess what he hated socialism. He said we shouldn’t put money as our more important factor. It should be morals and making sure no one feels like a fucking leper. No one should feel left out.

I believe in God and his Son, but I don’t understand how some Christians, or God fearing people can be so harmful to people that may not live by Christian ideologies; it can get complicated though. Jesus didn’t talk about everything. I think we need to really get to know this whole differences thing. The world and its characters ain’t the same. Jesus was from wherever he was from; the stuff He talked about was only for the people around him for the most part.

There were Mayans, but how would they know of monotheism? Nature plays such a big role in someone’s belief and culture. Jesus knew what to say. The child of God was treated very badly by people who were too afraid of disappointing God, to the point where they just made it worse. It’s important to listen to God, and what He has to say. I know I’m no perfect Christian, but I feel the guilt, I feel the pain. There’s no point or reason to take it out on someone else. It’ll just make things worse.

It’s hard to not be hypocritical when you believe in a perfect God, when your world is so shitty. But it can be beautiful if you choose to see it that way.

God never fails to inspire me, neither do my own writings.

Still, no matter how inspired I get, that too can get in the way if it leads me astray from my goals.

Goals can be easy. I can make it a goal to drink some of my water. There. I drank some; that wasn’t so bad was it? No.

I just don’t want to be hurt; I don’t want to have a facebook. I want and need a job and I want to be rescued from the evils of money. Can you believe it costs money to attempt and do something good for the world? All I’m asking for is free-health care and free education. Banks will still be rich. Maybe those people who believe Illuminati exist were right.

The less education, the less money, the less money and with the less health-care available, the less years on your life. Maybe they just want to cut our population. Maybe they don’t know their sick people. I don’t get how people on power don’t have to take a drug test. Do they? I think they do. But I doubt if Bush can get away with that war, that Clinton couldn’t get away from doing coke.THAT’S RIGHT YOUR PRESIDENT- HE USED COCAINE. The more power you have the less likely you’ll go to prison. A bot ironic but I’m not surprised.

Well, I don’t know what else to write. I just really want to have a job because I think it would boost my self-worth or something. I don’t want to be sad because I am not sad. I am not sad because I have wayyy too much shit to be grateful.

THANK YOU GOD. I AM SORRY FOR ALL THE PAIN. I HOPE YOU FEEL 100% HAPPY ONE DAY. I KNOW YOU DESERVE IT MORE THAN ANYONE. YOU ARE THE BEST FRIEND ANYONE COULD ASK FOR. I DON’T CARE IF PEOPLE CALL ME A CHILD WHEN THEY THINK OU ARE JUST AN IMAGINARY FRIEND. YOU ARE NEVER AWAY AND I AM GLAD I CAN TALK TO YOU ABOUT ANYTHING. I LOVE YOU.

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