If I didn’t have a life I’d be dead?

Posted: December 23, 2010 in Uncategorized

I don’t have a social life. Does anyone? I have a facebook and talk to people in little snippits, but it’s mostly just in suboordinate clauses:

“wasn’t that good”

“seemed like a good idea at the time”

“didn’t get to go:(”

I’ve never really had a best friend. I think I had one in the 2nd grade, but how can I be sure? I don’t KNOW if I did or not. I personally don’t like the idea of me having one to tell you the truth; it would be much harder to pity myself if I did have one.

I was going to broadcast my voice on YouTube, but I was way too scared to. Nobody but me hates me. Nobody hates you except you, maybe.

I don’t have anything to look forward to except jacking off into a cup 3x a week. I don’t even have dreams anymore because well I just don’t feel like it that’s all. Of course I dream but I make it all a blur. I hate myself too much to the point where I don’t make any type of physical or verbal contact with anyone except on occasion or when it’s some kind of retail store transaction, and even then i find some kind of way to make it somewhat awkward.

It’s amusing to me sometimes, how absolutely pathetic I can be, but it can get depressing when I’m around a lot of people.
What I was thinking of doing a YouTube video about the mass manipulation going on here, but I was too self-conscious about that shit. I don’t like my voice very much. I feel out of place, and say everyone else does too, but some people have best friends, some people don’t mind their voice.

All I know how to do is imagine. All I can do is try and fail horribly. I wouldn’t want to talk to someone about it, though. It’s too non-acceptable. I talked to I guess she’s my friend. Well, she is. I hate the media. It’s getting sad. I think for some strange reason it is all starting to surface, the exposure of this manipulation the oppression. And you think it would make things better. But it doesn’t do anything but just make us guilt or sad when we do it, when we further support the power elite financially and ideologically.

But I’m tired of saying it’s sad and my life sucks but I should be lucky to be alive, or have bread and a bike, and that other people have it worse. But that just makes me hate it even more. Because if someone else is in even more pain, then wtf is going on here? Some pretty evil shit, that’s what. Why should the richer get richer; why should the poor get poorer? WHo is okay with this; the rich? Certainly not the poor.

Learning about conspiracy theories has taught me to not give a fuck about them. I should focus on the things I know are true, and commonly accepted; things I can work with. Why do I care about aliens or UFO’s, or the assassinations of JFK and Lincoln due to these secret societies. Even if I did have factual evidence, we can’t undo what happened. Hekc, everyone who was part of the latter President isn’t even alive anymore. The Federal Reserve Bank was responsible for horrible shit, sure. But going back in time won’t do anything now. I don’t even know too much about economy.

The baby’s crying is existent. I don’t want to have sex. And I don’t care what people think. I don’t want to kiss anyone, nor have I. I don’t want to and I don’t care what people think. Cuz:

a) they don’t care most likely and
b) I can’t even read their mind

It’s gotten to the point where I know other people don’t hate me. I could be handsome if I really wanted to project that image. I bet a lot of people like me, but that doesn’t do anything when you don’t like who you are- even on the inside. Is it even worth trying to fix at this point?

Have you ever been to some kind of party and there where a group of girls taking a picture with one another? I don’t mean two or three, I mean like 6 or something. WTF does that even mean. It’s an exclusive thing. You have to have a group picture just with the girls, even though there might be guys that they were just socializing with that COULD HAVE BEEN in that photograph.

I don’t know if I’ve ever been hurt. I’m sure I have and I’m sure everybody has. Everytime I think about someone that I don’t see anymore and am expected (by myself) to still write to them, it just feels like a big slap in the face, while I’m helplessly on the ground. I remember in my journal I wrote about that part of the dream where I didn’t go through the beautiful forest path because I was afraid the sun would go down and there were going to be monsters, so I took the familiar road because I felt it was safer, and although it sucked at least it wouldn’t hurt so bad. I just wish sometimes I would take that magnificent route with the colorful forest and the beautiful waterfall.

I can’t say that part out loud. I’m just me. I don’t feel I have a gender, race, income, etc. I feel that’s just stuff I’d be seen from other people’s point of view. I’m just little old awkward, self-conscious, somewhat amusing John. And I don’t know if I should change, or sure how to.

I miss watching TV. When I watched TV I didn’t feel anything because I was too focused on the talking 2D people with nice lives, to the point where I was hanging out with them. They never complained about the recession, the exploitation; they never criticized me. They could never hurt me. I think drugs are things that we use because we want something to be there for us at any moment we want it. I think pain is good. But I think mine is chronic. It’s also dull. Very very very dull and repetitive. I wish I believed in myself more…

I wish I didn’t care about anyone. Because then I would be okay with being too scared. But I DO care about people. I wish I could get to know everyone. It’s too scary for me, and that’s where the sadness starts. Doesn’t end though.

I also wish I could keep doing facebook statuses, but that makes you look like you’re always on it, but chances are, you always are. I wish I’d never started one. Maybe I would be in a worse off place.

I miss being happy if you really want to know the truth. I can be happy if I wanted to; there’s no reason for me to feel so bad about myself and all.

Googling people who think they’re pathetic because it feels fun to think you’re pathetic for some reason. I’ve got to get help before things get worse.

Ok. I should really stop hating myself because it really does project out when I’m dealing with other people, and the last thing I’d wanna do is have other people go through all this shit. I love people I don’t wanna see em fucked up like me.

My Christmas wish is to get over some things and also project a good positive feeling. Maybe I need to exercise more or talk to someone about these feelings I have been having. The point is no one in this world is going to go up to you and say “I’m here to listen; I’m here to make all of your problems go away.” Like me, all they care about is their own well being, They’re dealing with it by taking up a hobby, shopping, or maybe even doing drugs.

If everyone was waiting for someone to go up to them, then no one would know anyone. I need to be an initiator, an approacher. I think sometimes girls are lucky because they can go up to a guy or a girl. When I go up to a girl I feel janky, and I don’t want to go up to a guy. Not because it’s gay, which it’s not. But why the fuck would I want to actively seek a guy to talk to? That happens inevitably in classes or in the street anyway. Talking to girls is the hard thing for me to do, especially when you feel so badly about yourself like I do.

I bet a lot of people feel this way about themselves. Wearing bourgeois clothes helps me. It makes me feel taller and what not. But I lost my retainer and my teeth have shifted dramatically-ish.

But the more you hate yourself the less you surround yourself with new people. And the less you surround yourself with new people/ people in general, the more you hate yourself until the cycle reaches two extremes: You feel extremely alone and have SO much self-hatred. That in itself is a prison to be feared; a hell on Earth, if you will.

I want to join some kind of Christian group at my school. Not to like… practice my religion, but to at least know everyone is going to love me. They won’t dare express any type of body language that didn’t translate to “I’m avoiding you.” They’d probably think it’s a sin and would love me no matter what I say. I question the Bible too much though. Not in a blasphemous type way though. Just to the point where it can get annoying.

I need to talk to someone. I just can’t expect them to write back. I don’t want them to because I like talking to people face to face, ironically.

Suck a dick; hug a trick, pick up a stick.

I’m out. Peace.


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