If I had a dream life…

Posted: December 24, 2010 in Uncategorized

Her name would start with an E, and she’d be very much into foreign films and shopping at Whole Foods and playing Nintendo Wii with friends.

She would probably have a french accent even though she only knows a handful of French words. Everyone would be jealous of her house with all kinds of different and elegant “themes.”

She would run errands for me and drive me to work or to the bank, waiting in the car while I make a deposit. I would give her a kiss and she would always ask me how my day was.

She wouldn’t be my mom, but she would be my wife that I didn’t have to love. And she would make all my dreams come true. And I would be there for her when she needed me.

Maybe she would like to drink wine at the park, and I could push her while she’s on the swings, and then she’d laugh like crazy.

I would let her live her life as I’d live mine. We’d never fall in love. We would just look out for one another, maybe make a shitload of money and even a shitload more combined and go to different areas of the world, but we wouldn’t be humanitarians because we would think humanitarians are assholes because they’re always in front of the camera.

We wouldn’t be around each other all of the time because that’s just icky and we both know that. But we probably wouldn’t choose anyone else because we’d both think we couldn’t get anyone else either. Why does this post feel semi- deja vu?

Anyway, we would never have any kids. If we ever had the urge we would put ads for baby sitting and just pretend like it was ours for one time in any given week. And every other year we would offer to babysit older kids so it would feel realistic.

She would be really sweet around me, as would I. I’d take care of her when she is sick and lick her vagina because I know it’d feel good for her, and that is what she’d need. I would never ask the same for her and she would be okay with that.

Every holiday we’d make a card for each other, and Valentines Day would be the funnest because I’ve made many handmade cards before.

We’d be friends more than anything, but we’d rarely talk to one another. We’d just fill some kindof void that our culture wants us to, but that we wouldn’t even care about. We’d just be together so we can forget about all that shit and do what we want to do, our own personal goals.

You see we don’t like the idea of just living and dying. I’d just want to live, do something big and die in the process. That’s the truth. I wouldn’t care about getting a paycheck, buying a car, getting into things and shit. Just know what I want, do what I want. I’d want to be free and I’d want everyone to do what they want to do deep down inside, without external pressures.

On annaverseries we would fall asleep for hours or something and hold each other; that would be the only day we’d give each other a gift. We’d get married on her birthday, which would be Valentines Day, so that I would never ever forget and so I could get a year’s worth of gifting done in one day.

We would do activities instead of buying presents. Maybe we would go walk around the beach, or maybe we could paint things or go do things once a year that a couple would do.

I’d be a little boy the whole time who’d never want to grow up. I don’t know what she’d be like. She’d probably have some career in like… I don’t know; something that doesn’t use computers. I would just teach some kind of class at some kind of school.

And when we get depressed we would just go to sleep in the middle of the day next to each other or just cry together or something.

I don’t really care that this may not exactly be a manly thing because nowhere in here did I mention “tapping that sh*t” or buying her a car so she could do this and this to me or something, or love me, as if she’d hate me if I didn’t get her a car.

I feel upset because this room looks like a safety hazards there are too many sweaters around here maybe I should go donate some my life is bullshit I want out this is such a crappy way to live I hope everything gets better I hope miracles happens my life sucks and I wish I would do something about it I wish I won that essay contest. If I don’t I’d probably get kicked out of my housing this what horrid shit. I feel sad.

And I played the game of LIFE a bit earlier. It was fun because you got to be a lawyer and you didn’t hear when your kids cried. And you got to pay off your student loans, and you didn’t have to put up with anything negatove, because more positive stuff came in. I just wish I wasn’t so negative and didn’t hate life so much. This is because I take a lot for granted even though I shouldn’t. I have a home, legs, food to eat, and a computer to write with. I live in sunny California where there are no clouds and it is late December at 65 degrees (farenheit) Minnesota’s probably in the negatives and they probably won’t see the sun for months, who knows. Kids in Maine probably have different lives altogether. Who knows.

I spent so much of my life imagining because I enjoy the scenarios, and I don’t enjoy REAL life scenarios. But either way I just end up feeling like shit. I want to help my mom. Maybe I should. I’ll ask her what she wants me to do with the vacuum. I like helping people, it makes me feel less guilt and it keeps my mind of of horrible things; keeps my mind off of things in general…

The vacuum thing broke and we can’t find any more of those black rubberbands. I don’t like it when people talk about things that you don’t want to talk about. I don’t mean “Let’s talking about something interesting; not that Quidditch tornymint.” I mean this:

What about money; where are you going to get the money?”

“I don’t want to TALK about it, that’s all.”

It’s just not fair. How come my own dad won’t help me pay for school? HE has more than enough money and he just doesn’t care! I feel like a 16 year old right now; when your parents or your parent thoughts are bothering you but you know it’snot worth your energy to yell so you just complain in writing or leave the house and do something stupid like have sex or do drugs. Writing’s just as bad. I don’t tackle my problems head on; I just write them down because I know how much misery loves company but at least when people read my shit they can close their eyes and not see it.

But if I talked to someone about it, they’d still hear me. And it’s even harder to do that in a home because you can’t always just leave. You have to stay and feel the loathing. I want out and the only way I can do that is not be afraid or to go back in time. They’re both just as hard and test my psyche. Everyone hates everything and I feel so negative. I don’t want to die I just wish we wouldn’t be so oppressed and taught to want more more and more never reaching what it is we truly need because that’s always put in the back burner.

Sometimes I wish my mom ran away, but I don’t say that to be mean. So she wouldn’t have to live here or take care of us. Then maybe, just maybe, my dad would have at least pretended to care about us.

I keep blaming my parents but it’s all the power elite’s and my own fault. The world had to be fucked up. And now my own little bubble is. The world where nothing goes my way because it seems like it’s all out of my control and I just get so frustrated because I know I’m lazy and afraid and need to stand up and do something. I just want to go run away, don’t we all. I don’t have any engine, I just have a lot of fuel and potential energy but no kinetic. I’m the huge boulder dangling at the top of the card house. And something inside me keeps me from cutting off the wire. And I say “But no one wants to help me” knowing I have to be the one that starts it, as shitty as it may be. In reality we’re all self-interested creatures. I know I am but I don’t want to keep living that way. I’m just going to ignore it and take the pain.

“Tenemos que luchar.” But what are we fighting? Some kind of bad karma, some kind of hard life EVERYONE lives? Can’t you see there is no kharma, that God isn’t fucking our lives up? Can’t you see these forces at work are the same ones that make our decisions, the ones we vote for , the ones we revere? When will we see who truly is out to get us, who the elite are, and what their intentions are? They don’t believe in the Lord; if they did the world would be a much safer place.

I took a break and I don’t feel as bad, but it is important to leave that stuff on because it needed to be written. I know it is very wrong but hen you are upset you are irrational. Irrationality must be documented. If not, it makes perfect sense.



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