Dealing with my Anomy AKA anxiety this Quarter

Posted: January 3, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags:

Hi everyone, or just myself. have been feeling a lot of artificial stress and it has really taken a toll on me. I just thought I should make a list of goals for this quarter to make myself feel better and not be so afraid to talk to new human beings while I have the opportunity. 🙂

So I’m making a list of goals so I could talk to other people, because it really does help me, as well as the other person. I think communicating with people allows whoever is involved to talk and let out their emotions and to have a chance to listen and relate to someone else. It’s really hard to deal with certain issues when you feel or are alone. You just end up bathing in a pool with stress and no drainage. It helps to have another mind to help comfort you or for you to comfort.

It doesn’t have to be a selfish thing. That’s another thing. I’ve become very selfish, guilty, and worrisome in order to show God or something that if I’m guilty then I deserve to feel better, but that isn’t how it works and it can be very selfish to feel guilty or to ruminate on just your problems. And I shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to talk to people. I bring that up because a lot of times when I want to do something I question why it is I’m doing and a familiar voice comes into my head:

Why do you want to do that? So you could feel good about yourself or something selfish like that? How dare you; what are you some kind of freak?

OR

“Why are you so afraid to talk to people? Youd don’t think they’re better than you, you’re just afraid of getting hurt. There you go always thinking about you you you. DOn’t you ever care? Why can’t you just talk to people to learn to love them, you hypocrite.”

He’s always lying to me and I almost ALWAYS fall for it. And the worst thing about feeling lonely is that he’s your only friend, the only one you can talk to. And he knows very well that he’s the only one that will be with me without rejecting me. It feels like I’m in an abusive relationship with that evil part of my mind. And whenever I try to go to God and ask for help, or to apologize, he comes back and says:

“All you do is ask for help, but you never do anything to make it better, because you’re too scared and you think no one cares about you. Look at you always going to God with your problems, there you go again being selfish. You know you only apologize and praise Him because you think it will make Him like you more. Well it doesn’t work because when you do that it just makes you seem more selfish.”

It’s not cool to think like that. I know that it’s not okay to just ask God for help, that there are other people I can go to, but sometimes it’s very hard for me to do that. I don’t know if it’s some kind of disorder that’s keeping me from asking for help. I don’t really know anyone that I can go to without being scared. Well everyone I know will help me, I just have to be more open in asking. I know if someone, anyone, were feeling afraid or stressed, or lonely, or sad, I wouldn’t want them to surpress or live with all of that on their own. I would want them to go to me. I would want to hold them or draw with them as they cry, so they could all feel better.

I just want to feel better. I wrote in my journal that I rather feel nothing than anything. It still might be true, but there’s nothing wrong with feeling positive. I just don’t want to feel negative, or useless, guilt. I don’t want to listen to Satan, who for some reason I have depended on talking to, when all along I could’ve just talked to God. Not exactly prayed, just talked and shared my feelings.

I want to do it with people. And don’t be perverted. I meant do it as in talk and share feelings with other people, you know? Anyone. And when I say anyone, I mean anyone because I can be shallow, and looking for friends based solely on looks is a bad thing, because when I am their friend I will feel very arrogant. I need to have friends of different kinds, which again can be very hard. This society is very classified into race. It’s actually very hard for most people to make friends outside of their race, or economic class, and even age. But it’s a very beautiful thing, you know? To share similar experiences with an array of different people. You feel as if the both of you have broken a barrier, the barrier of divide and conquer. It’s good to be an open person, and I think wanting that is perfectly okay. Okay Satan? I know you have a heart deep down inside. What do you have to say about all of this?

“Nothing.”

He’s quiet when you are confident and positive. It’s really true. That means he cares and wants you to win him. I have this feeling Satan is filled with regret, but that it’s too late to change, like many of us feel. I think he wishes he could go back in time and do things differently, and that he’s stuck in this evil state of mind. I think he wants to change, but just feels like it’s too late, or that he’s too used to feeling negative that it’s just become a part of who he is. Like trying to grow dark hair if you’re a blond. It’s not like that Satan. You can still change, and be happy. God will always love everyone. They just have to be willing to let Him. I think He didn’t cast you down. It’s just how could you stay there? It’s as if you decided to leave.

Satan,

I know how powerful you are in this world. I know that you had enormous power in helping God out in the beginning as Lucifer, the bearer of Light. I’m beginning to believe that you were His best friend before you were the worst enemy:

“And God said, Let there be light: and there was light (Genesis 1:3)
“And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. (Genesis 1:26)

Was He talking to you? Did you play a big part in aiding in His creation? He doesn’t play a role in our lives when there is trouble. Often times He sends angels to help people on the Earth. Were you that angel long ago, before you betrayed Him? I don’t know if you were co-God; I highly highly highly doubt it. I think He made everything. I think he was the only, the First. I think you came sooner than we did, but you didn’t come before Him. You aren’t God, which is why we have so much evil in this world; you didn’t listen. You got too proud. And I want to know why.

Why didn’t you just let Eve alone, why didn’t you stay loyal to God? He created you, he gave you life, he gave yuou existence; that is a very beautiful thing! Why did you betray him? I just don’t understand. He loved you so much, he loved everything He made without condition? Why couldn’t you appreciate that? I at least appreciate God when I am negative. I don’t think I would ever betray Him greatly. I make mistakes, sure, but to not heed His deepest warning? I don’t want to be angry, I just want to understand where you were coming from. But then again I know how dangerous things can be when I invite you to my world, or myself into yours. Maybe the other angels will tell me, the ones who remained loyal. Maybe God will show the way. Or maybe it doesn’t matter at all.

I love God more than anything, Satan. As much as you are always there for people, it’s not the right kind of companionship. It hurts people, and they take that hurt out on others, and those people end up doing the same. I want to be with God, I want to be positive, not negative. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that; it’s not something I should feel guilty about. Being with God, and being positive is okay. I understand there is bad things going on in this world, but thinking up a storm won’t help. Heck, sometimes I feel my oppressors should at least be positive in life, because well, no one should feel that way.

😦

Anyway, I choose God. And I don’t want to hear it, because I’m better off that way. Maybe you should do the same. It doesn’t have to be this way. I don’t have to submit to you.

I feel better now. I pray I will stay with God in all of my times of hardship. He has always been there to support me, to be with me, positive or negative. He is the reason I haven’t given up. He is my hero because He has been through so much, but just wants His kids to feel better and work things out. I don’t feel guilty wanting God in my life. Because nothing evil can come of that.

Sincerely

John M. Castillo

PS. Can you please be good and go back? I don’t want you to be mean because I think it won’t help you, even though it probably feeds you. You’re just getting full off of poison, and your body/ spirit is too sick to feel any of it. I hope you get better, Satan. I hope we all do. And I hope if any architect, enforcer, or player in this whole New World Order reads this, I hope they can make things better, since it is easier for them to change it in a more loving way, to honor God, love, equality, Freedom, and Truth. Satan isn’t the right way to go. You’ve got to go to God, who knows what’s best. Amen.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s