There’s something the hell wrong with me

Posted: January 14, 2011 in Uncategorized
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I possibly have girl issues. Okay, the basic thingy is that I have realized there are generally two paths to take: maintaining my attracti0on to women, or becoming asexual (not attracted to anyone).

My biology, or environment or whatever you wanna call it has helped me know or created me as a straight guy, which is cool and everything. But the thing is I’m also a human being interested in the whole wide world and wanting to see it objectively or at least try to you know what I mean?

Anyway, I just want to not be attracted sometimes, but the truth is I do get attracted and it’s becoming harder and harder to re-wire my brain regardless od the growing awareness about my situation here people.

But anyway it’s hard. Today I was eating my breakfast and there was a really friendly nice looking girl that I just felt attracted to. The thing you have to understand about me is that I’m not always going to be attracted to ‘pretty’ or ‘hot’ women. There’s something about certain women in general that I feel some sort of attraction or similarity to in terms of energy and junk. It’s weird. Let’s say you were given like 8 cards to choose from and each card on the tops had a number on them and the bottom of each card was a prize or something. And there was one grand prize of them all under there. (I’m learning right now, hold on) and you had to choose one. And a lot of your friends are telling you to pick 7, or 4, or one, but there’s something about #5 that you want to choose or somethi8ng, like a hunch or some attractive-ish feeling.

Well what I’m starting to realize and hate to admit it is I want the perfect kind of girl and is kind of why I rather choose to reject the idea of being attracted to any. The truth is that I don’t know how to… be in a relationship or something. I’m 20.5 years old and never even kissed or been kissed and it’s freaky enough according to my culture, but I think even more so to me, you know?

It’s gotten to the point where it’s always some kind of struggle, and I can’t even bullshit myself by saying how repulsive or unworthy I am anymore. I already realized how much of a big ass lie that is, which I guess is more good than sucky…

This is a really interesting question to get into, you know what I mean? I feel like I should talk to someone about it, but WHO? It’s kind of a big deal, you know?

I’ve become more knowledgeable from the year 2010 than any other year of my life, and it’s just weird how I’m not really putting it into practice, you feel me?

I know about the law of attraction, I am aware of the stark manipulation of almost an entire nation of human beings.

All I wanted to do was talk to that skinny girl in the cafeteria for breakfast. She looked really sweet. Okay, like I said, she didn’t fit the hegemonic ideal female body type. She was not very ‘meaty in the right places’ if you know what I mean, nor did she have blue eyes or something. It’s just weird though because not all pretty girls in my school i wanna date or even talk to.

To be honest, there’s a such thing as too pretty that I find absolutely disgusting. I can’t really describe it,a nd I don’t mean all 9’s are gross; just some of them. It’s weird though, the whole beauty thing. I really need to research a great deal of things later on in life.

But anyway, going back to that phrase in the parentheses, I feel like I want the best or something already delivered or obtained by me. But relationships don’t start that way, whether it’s marriage, friendship, or anything really. I guess it’s okay to not be perfect in the beginning or even at all. She doesn’t have to be everything I want her to be, and I think the thing I’m most afraid of is being right in the beginning and wrong later on and almost… guilty that I didn’t find the right one the first time and therefore I’ll mess up every time or I’m screwed long term when it comes to this stuff.

It’s a lot of things you know, but all in all it’s my patterns and my history you get me, and a lot of that is hard to change for me and I know you’re just dying to slap me and throw cold water on me, but I’m sorry. This is how I am right now and it’s very hard to go against myself in certain things that I want to go against. Okay, if ever comes the time I want to sit with that girl or any girl I feel attracted (it’s partially physical but ultimately spiritual I think) I’ll just talk to them on a friendly basis. My friend Mark can just talk to anyone, and I think I know why. Because he knows what he wants, and my fear of regret, failure, and dissapointment from God are more paranoid than what’s healthy. I don’t need a psychiatrist. This is all up to me.

And I think I’ve come a long way, in terms of being too bound. I now know there a rules and structures when communicating with people and I can say hi to anyone. Do I think we’ve become a neurotic and insecure group of people. Yeah but some people fall through the cracks or should I say rise through them…

Anyway, someone please write to me!!! I need to communicate to a stranger about this!! Thank you!

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