I’m FUCKED

Posted: January 17, 2011 in Uncategorized
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Yeah so putting this whole love thing into context, I basically grew up in an environment where my parents were never married, liked each other, changed their mind and then had me. So yeah I never knew what the whole falling in love meant, or how to do it.

In combination with being teased for walking silly by most of the attractive women in my elementary school (at the time) and getting picked last in every sport that kind of sent the message I was some kind of useless shit.

And middle school comes around, well middle school is some weird ass shit in general. It’s like a 3 year long reverse acid trip where everything is basically general abstract blobs or something. Anyway, 6th grade I was a loner, 7th and 8th I just played Yugioh cards every “nutrition” and lunch with similarish people. I didn’t play great sports during PE, just some random volleyball game…

High school wasn’t that bad in general, I just think that shit took WAYYY too long. You go in when you just turned 14 and leave when you’re about to turn 18 and it just sucks how every frikkin morning you had to go and do the same shit and nobody wanted to, including a lot of my teachers. But it was a cool thing though. You’re personality was slightly tweaked in the right places and helped someone more or less determined what they were more or less going to be like. You know?

Anyway, college was/ is next and I still haven’t been on a date, or kissed a girl, etc. The thing is, in combination to all of my social environment, internally I have this unrelenting fear of God as well as a fear of feeling luvey duvey. I just can’t imagine being in love or in a relationship, or even the thought of the people I know speaking of it. Having some chick telling me she loves me feels absolutley repulsive, but somehow I want it.

And I don’t know if it’s one of those things that I actually want, or one of those values or goals or things I was motivated and socialized to strive for or else I’ll end up miserable or some shit. It’s such a big deal you know? Anyway. it’s very sketchy for me and I’m too good an expert of avoiding too much closesness with a lot of chicks or something. It’s too weird. I’m not worry about my genes passing down or anything, nor am I too worried of ‘what people think of me’ (people don’t think of me by the way). I’m just worried about having that unrelentless amount of fear when it comes to courtship and a fear of high self esteem, something I just can’t get used to.

Fear and self-loathing is bullshit and although I’m comfortable with it, I want that bad shit to go away. Anyway, I’m good or something…

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