Archive for February, 2011


Posted: February 26, 2011 in Uncategorized

My goodness. I was googling masturbation and came across this website where people share their weird stories. I’ve decided to quote them:

TV game

When you are bored and you have just masturbated thinking about every celebrity, every porn star, and there’s nobody left, I personally recommend this game. Turn on the TV, then look at your clock (example: 11:32). This time as an example it says 11. Get your TV controller and start changing the channel up or down 11 times. Then you gotta find some way to masturbate thinking only about the people you are watching at that moment. If you saw a great girl in a commercial but the commercial is over…DON’T THINK ANYMORE ABOUT HER, only the people that appear on the TV at that moment. Even if is one of those famous Pokemon. ”

I’m not gayTry these tips: 1) Lube up real good with shaving cream. 2) Use one hand to stroke your dick and one to play with your balls. 3) Even though you are not gay, try sticking some fingers up your ass. 4) Watch yourself wanking in a mirror. 5) Talk about wanking with other guys and get them to jack you off (but it doesn’t mean you are gay). 6) Cum into your mouth and keep it there for 10 seconds and spit it onto your cock and start wanking again. ”

So there’s this podcast about intimate relationships. I’ve never been in one. I don’t know how. I think I’m not the only one though. A lot of people I know have; it always seems that some of them have never been in my position; some people I know are always in one, sometimes with the same person, sometimes with a different one.

It’s funny though because at least I can say I’ve never cheated on anyone, broken their heart, or even been a good partner. I always think that God is waiting to find a good person for me, or that maybe I’m not worthy of serving a human being and connecting to one in this way, which is kind of sad for me. , especially when it comes to writing it.

Who would like me? I’m not very attractive in the hegemonic sense ( at least that’s how I see myself). And why would I want to be in one; what’s the point of it? You see, I want to take this class so I could go to this guy’s office hours and hopefully he can determine whether or not I have a problem or something…

I dunno, i=I’m at the age where it’s abnormal to have never been in one. To be honest, I could have possibly come close to it. Maybe it’s me. Maybe girls in the past have liked me, but I assumed they didn’t. Maybe there’s a term or a pathology/ medicne for what I have.

Anyway, I’m debating whether to enroll in this class or to just listen to the podcasts. I think I should enroll in it, but it’s just that it’s on fridays and I need my 3 day weekend shiiiet

Haven’t blogged in a while

Posted: February 23, 2011 in Uncategorized

I’m sick and I don’t want anything ish


Posted: February 18, 2011 in Uncategorized

I was going to send this to a friend but I changed my mind because I write this type of thing too much.

So in this letter, I want to try and help myself by writing, to make sense of a big issue in my life, and one I think is common in a lot of people. I hope that by the end of this letter, I can learn a big lesson. I hope one day I can talk about this to a stranger for some reason. I don’t know. I just get scared.

I just feel it’s hard to know who we all are sometimes, if the way or point of view I see myself is how other people think of me. The way I treat the people I love, or strangers, is with respect, and a deep caring for them. I don’t want to hurt them when I talk to them or anything. But sometimes I get negative, we all do, and feel resentment, or jealousy for whatever reason. Well, teh point is that a lot of the people I run into, I want them to feel okay, for people to care about them and treat them nicely, genuinely I feel this way.

Why then, do I not feel that way about myself? A lot of times when I go into certain situations, I come into a sense of feeling that I am not wanted in a certain group or groups, that I’m more of a burden. I doubt it’s true, but this thought is still jammed in the core of my mind and shows up in my actions. It’s like my mind is this reel of film, and all the good memories aren’t wound up to much, and the negative aspects of who I am, my weaknesses, my vulnerability is processed in every little film square thingy, taking a little bit of space and throughout the movie you can see a little bit of it everywhere.

And my body is the projector because it takes what I think, how I feel and projects it for other people to see. And these people, they only see what I want to show to them, and a lot of that is how I really feel about myself. A lot of times, I think, people see us how we see ourselves

Video Game Theory

Posted: February 18, 2011 in Uncategorized

i don;t know I’m using this name to call my idea of why this is so fucked up, and or what to blame for it.

Well I start out by saying that it’s what we can’t see that gets manifested as horrible shit. There is nothing wrong with the physical earth- that shit works in balance and has been around for billions of years- a long ass time.

Anyway, I have this idea of an enemy is an internal one. the idea that an outside enemy exists is still valid, I think though. But I still think a lot of shit that happens because we are in constant warfare internally with ourselves. Have you ever played a game like Street Fighter, or Mortal Combat? I think it’s kind of like that. I’m not familiar with Freud and the ego and the id, but there is a vengeful monster in everyone’s mind (well just mine but I’m trying to expand here).

And almost every decision we make is a battle. A lot of theorists come up with a version like this, but that’s more or less their view on it, which is better than mine. Anyway, I’ll just try to explain it in my random self with no data or brainy shit.

Well I think we really do internalize this generalized other and it can become a saint or a demon in that it can give us the notion of how we are acting. Like I say time and time again, if it weren;t for a mirrorish surface how the fuck you know what you look like. You need that external thing as a reference to show you your objective image. The me I really am is a little golden ticket that I’m not allowed to show anyone in fear they will attack it.

And we fight, we fuckin fight and sometimes we win sometimes we lose. Sometimes we’re caught up in a winning streak and some weird bullshit happens, the power goes out, or you have to open the door for someone and when you get back in the game you’ve lost your touch.

I’m tellin you, everything you see has it’s opposite, which is everything else, and we’ll all fighting all the time. Well this is sounding more like a random dude thingy, but Idk i need time to tweak this idea.

Listen to the song “Cooler Than Me” by Mike Posner. The you is the me and the ‘me’ is the I. You see this concept of what other people think of us is merely a guess. It’s our opinion of how we see ourselves vieled in secrecy as the me. It’s all one big mind game motherfuckers. The meaning of life is to defeat your enemy- the one that can’t be seen. It’s in all these religions, all these movies, all of our medical problems, social problems, everything. It’s one thing that isn’t another thing trying to collect that entity and keep it underneath them, obedient and merciless to them. And the only thing worth submitting to is what made us, and the only thing worth making submit is Satan, which made us what we are.

Satan is whatever you want it to be and because this part is constantly changing, our struggle, whether individual or collective is always changing, then no problem is confronted; it’s always changing.

I’m telling you. There’s this book in the Bible, the Book of Revelation that talks about this epic battle in the end man. And it’s a showdown to the likes which we’ve never been seen before. All these oppositions will collide and we will see who wins: good or evil. But more importantly we will see our enemy, we will feel the wrath, the pain, the collision. No longer will what we hate dissappear and re-appear. During this time there is no negotiation, no mercy. It’s like every year there’s a superbowl, there is new teams, new players, new places to battle. But this moment we replay everything with everyone at every place at every time in history.

Nothing like it. And surely the greatest will win. I’m hoping I can beat myself to the punch when I meet this monster.

Either the I or the Me will say

“Game over motherfucker”

I’m mad and hungry

Posted: February 16, 2011 in Uncategorized

Okay so I missed the last 15 minutes of class just to show up late to a study I signed up for which was going to pay 20 bucks but the lady was being a real bitch.

Okay, so usually I would refrain from putting blame on an external person, but there were like 10 of us who weren’t allowed in and when I asked her if I can go to the 1pm study she explained that we couldn’t do that and I was telling her, you know, there are gonna be people that don’t show up for the next time slot (I din’t tell her) and that what the fuck?

And she just kept going around that and it was REALLY fucked up to be played for a fool like that. I suspect they don’t give a fuck about us cuz they end up saving a lot of money and bullshit like that. SO, what i’m GOING to do is try again, and if I get rejected I am going to write [another] letter LYING to them saying she would get paid more or some shit if she denied people access. Think about it. 10×20 saves them 200 bucks. 200 bucks they can str8 up pocket transac.

It’s bullshit. I’m not angry really, I’m just like… WTF can’t even come 10 minutes late to an hour long study that only lasts 10 minutes?

Fuck that. After writing about it, there something fucked up going on and you BEST believe I’m going to see that lady again.

I won’t mention her race, because it doesn’t matter. It’s just sad how they, for all of these studies, put some ‘hot’ chick as the inviter wearing all this make-up, skirts, shit like that. Talk about gender inequalities. Maybe it ends up making them seem nicer in my perspective, but I’m not like that. I don’t give a fuck what you look like- if you’re pretty and mean, guess what. You’re still mean as fuck and should at least help me in one way or another to come up with a solution.

I’m not saying all pretty people are fucked up. I’m saying certain people are institutionally put in these positions to try to make me associate this beauty with innocence and shit, or to assume an attractive women will be more priveleged in society than an unattractive one, or a male host or something.

Fucked up shit.

Well I’m partially overreacting and too critical, but it’s the same shit over and over again and sooner or later you’re going to want to call shit out.

You see I can’t speak to her like this; I have to be all super polite, and say “well… okay… i understand… i was wondering if you’d let me…”


I really did email them. And I really am going to email them again if that lady denies me again.

OMG but look at the language I used. If it was a guy I wouldn’tve called him a bitch. Not only that; if he said no, I would’ve thought he said it in a genuine way where I wouldn’t have felt taken for a fool.

My culture says alot about me and the way I am says a lot about this culture. We’re fucked up people that get fucked in the ass by each otehr and end up fucking each other up, on blogs, with wars, anything justo let out our steam because our needs weren’t met. Some people put up with that shit, some people don’t. I don’t know which I am exactly, because a lot of this shit I can’t take, but a lot of it I sure as hell do nothing about.

Posted: February 16, 2011 in Uncategorized

This has been one of my favorite songs for such, SUCH a long time. It creates a mood for me, a kinda numb one. A good kind of numb.

sometimes I try to understand the head of a drug abuser or addict. I wonder if they do it to feeling nothing, to feel they are in a greater level (high) or to escape, or all three.

Do I feel numb; is that my goal, to be absent of feeling? The mood this song puts me in is a good one, but nothing comes out of me. If I were to stop writing, then I would listen to this song over and over again while I lay on the bed just spacing out to the outside world. You see, it can be a good feeling to escape emotion. To just zone out.

When I was in the tank a while ago, I went in all these emotions, which wasn’t a good idea. I mean I made sense of a lot of stuff, but looking back it was more of a theme-based experience and it’s best to go in there not knowing what will happen. You go in there numb, zero, it’s beautiful.

I don’t think it’s addictive though. I think the leaving reality is the addictive part with any drug. Sometimes it’s not that we like the drug, but that we DON’T like being without it. But isn’t that the same thing?

Anyway, I’m scared how much I like the idea of being numb or feeling nothing. it sounds sad but wonderful at the same time.

I think it’s okay to feel something, but things can get complicated when we seek to feel something. When I’m sad most of the time I bathe in the emotion, but other times I seek to feel happy and thus a conflict is created. Or this whole wanting to be numb. I’m somewhat numb now, and uhm yeah not because I sought to feel that way; it was the song.

I didn’t feel like listening to the song anymore, so I just ended up listening to “Sweater Song” by Weezer.

Okay so reality is constantly changing right? So do my emotions change every single moment? I’m angry sometimes, but then I feel calm, and maybe later I even feel happy or even jubilant. So is my feeling part of the brain like those codes/ passwords that can never be broken because they’re always changing? And could I ever take a picture of a feeling if it’s always going through a transition?

Anyway, I’m kind of flustered with which classes to take, which is actually a good thing because my school lets you pick out from a wide variety. Part of me wants to finish al of my requirements first before I go ahead and take classes that I’ll choose freely.

I wanna take these classes, but can only take 3 to 4:

Soc 113 (stats)
Soc 173 (Econ and Society)
Soc 157 (Social Stratification)
Soc 128 (Soc. of Emotions)
Soc 133 (Collective Behavior)
Soc 134 (Culture and Personality
Soc 191V (Gender and Inequality in Families)

Non Sociology classes:

Body Language n Nonverbal communication

I have no idea what to take and what not to take. I can go the traditional route and take my math and stratification classes and get it over with, or I can take the interesting classes that fulfill the other upper div soc classes/ upper div normal classes.

I’ll do the fun way. Because those classes will be available anywayz. But if math is open i’ll take it!