Archive for March, 2011


Posted: March 30, 2011 in Uncategorized

I love my collective behavior class, cus you haven’t really been a person until you’ve been in a crowd or group.

I love it. Now everytime I leave that class and walk to wherever the case, I just see everyone walking together, just one big group. I dunno, usually every person IS in a crowd, but we don’t notice it because we kinda branch off in different groups. Groups within groups may feel isolated from the group, but I am starting to rethink that. Groups are cool.

I love people, but I remember back in the day I despised them/ us greatly. I’m not sure exactly what happened. I guess I do know, but I don’t wanna say. Sociology was a big part of it though, especially the teachers I’ve had.

Anyway, crowds ARE great because it’s a time where your personal valule doesn’t go as far. You don’t have much of your own personality in a group, which we learned today. You kinda lose yourself, which isn’t always a bad thing. I love it. Sometimes you feel, in a crowd, like people are going to judge you pr something, or that you shouldn’t act stupid or crazy.

Other times like at Burning Man you’re allowed to just do whatever you’d like in certain situations. You could wear costumes, drop acid, play mini-golf. It’s good to be weird in these situations, and valued. I remember that one time where this huge night I had so much fun, and there were so many things to do: roller disco, that game with the sledgehammer, the dancing, the watchamakality thing.

I’m gonna see my whole professor about it. It was great I really enjoyed it.

The Undertoad

Posted: March 17, 2011 in Uncategorized

Aside from the Undertoad, I am fine. The Undertoad isn’t real by the way. Sometimes we make up problems because some of us were brought up with parents that worried and we’ve taken it up.

Sometimes everything is going perfectly fine and you think about what if this person hurts me or gets sick kinda thing. Or what if ll this good stuff is just trying to distract me and then POW something’s going to come and slap me.

But it’s not good to do that because God will help you with anything necessary to your heart’s happiness, especially if it deals with fearing over the people you love; that something will happen to them.

So I will be less fretful because worrying won’t cure anything, it will just make it worse for me. I was taught that worrying means that you cared, and learned that worrying means getting rid of your guilt: that if you don’t worry about something then you must not care about it. But what if worrying turns into a bad thing? And of course we care- we don’t need to worry to care.

I feel guilty because my mommy feels sick, but the curable in an easy way kind, not the Idk what’s going to happen way. So I was worrying how this is problem. But I don’t wanna worry. But i feel like worrying means I just am worrying cuz I’m worried about myself dealing with it, not about how she feels and what she’s going through.

I don’t know what I can do to help. I suppose I can check up on her. She works too hard. She’s always doing something like a chore, and I want to help. Maybe I should I will help wash the dishes whenever I visit over break, or when things get messy. Anything to help her rest more. She is sick because of stress I think. She isn’t at that age anymore where she can do all of these things and just feel tired. It’s probably bigger than that where your organs start to do weird things. I love my mom. Her body is weird because she gets sick a lot, but not the serious kind. Either her foot hurts, or her stomach hurts, or something.

She is the greatest person I know why does this have to happen to her? I start to blame people except myself first. I blame my sisters for having babies because they leave their babies with her so they can work or go to school. It’s not fair that my mom has to watch them because it’s not like she had the baby then why is she taking care of them?
But I understand. That’s how my mom is and it makes her body feel sick though.

And sometimes I blame my dad for not sharing any of his money with us so he can profit more. My mom is socialism and my dad is capitalism. She takes care of us all equally no matter what. My dad sees us as high cost objects that require lots of capital and wages, so he backs off and tries to establish a base where we appreciate him cuz he “changed our diapers” and “took us to the park those times.” And then I feel guilty when he ays we never call him.

It’s not okay. Because I do feel guilty. He gives me 20 dollars rarely- he gave me some yesterday. And I felt guilty. He creates this image that it’s an effort or struggle just to share a little bit with us. There’s a lot of bad things I can say about my dad but that won’t do anything except make me feel resentful, which I already kinda started feeling.

Sometimes I blame myself, for being such a loser sometimes. For being too scared or confused about how to get a job- no one really taught me how so I assume you have to do online things, but those never work. How do people get jobs? I almost was offered a job, but that person changed their mind. Another time I worked as a test, but they said I was too slow.

What am I writing this for anyway? I think it’s my fault that I didn’t work harder to try and find a job when I had time, but it’s not my fault that we or many families in the U.S. are poor.

Maybe my mom is sick because she doesn’t have the skills to work at jobs where it’s hard to replace workers. Maybe it’s capitalisms fault.

The point is that blaming is a weird thing because no one’s really going to identify themselves as the main cause. We can say “oh it was kinda my fault, but it was more this person’s fault.” But if we’re al just blaming another person, does change really happen?

What will cure my mommy? I hope she goes to the hospital today like she said she would. She couldn’t go last night cuz she had to leave for work at 6AM this morning.

Anyway, that’s MY Undertoad. It’s the only thing in my life that COULD go wrong.

But she’s okay. I put all my love, trust, and faith in God because he’s cured her before, and it’s not a big deal anyway. He’s been there for some WAYYYYYY trippier stuff. I love God because when you are sick, you have to feel sick and He won’t make it go away. But he is there to make the emotional pain go away when you believe Him and when you are with Hm because He loves people so much even though we’re mean after He’s given us everything. I love God.

I want to give back to Him. I want to help my mom feel better. I pray I will get to finish my real good education this year so I can by a home or at lest another apartment where she doesn’t have to work a lot or at all. Because she has done so much for me.

I hope this happens. I love her so much.

The End.


I was originally going to write about a lesson I learned. It’s not about how you spend your money all the time that makes you happy or a certain status, it can be just how you spend your time, or who you spend it with. I learned that in Soc of Mass come but have barely applied it to my own life. I can spend 100 dollars on shoes or take my old shoes and go for a beautiful walk and feed a homeless person. It’s not just about the amount you’re spending, but what ou are doing with it and how you are utiliing your time for it.

Hey what happens if the internet stops existing? Is anyone printing these out? lolz

PPS. The weird thing is, my mom’s name literally translates to “pains.”
How weird.


Posted: March 9, 2011 in Uncategorized

EVERY nook and cranny, everything being connected and entered into the market place. Everything I see was for profit. The list will not be written with bullets because it will take up too much space, just like money has.

From the clothes on your back, to the machine that you wash it in- profit and exploitation. Your books, your food, your toilet seat covers, they belong to a company, but we forget to see the people who made these things. It was made in China by a so and so company; never will they tell you who made this, or what that person’s life was like, their age, and their consent and opinion of their treatment.

Take a look at a room that you my be in at your home. You see a bag, who made it, and was it for your benefit, the workers, or for the companies? What about the bottled water, or the magazine, or the clothes, or the air freshener, or the carpet, the ceiling, the computer in which you are reading this from?

What would the world be without clothes, computers, magazines, fast food, sneakers, stereos, cell phones? It hurts me to question if our innovations and our hobbies were some guy’s ideas for how to make more money faster and cheaper. No emotions, just small input large output. Now what. Where does the money go? Is it for the public that made it and purchased it, or the company that manages it and owns the machines/ labor, the means of production- these people are the bourgeoisie.

Many times problems are fabrications; they do not exist until we create them, but we don’t fee we create them but that we are victims of our ape like ancestors. Should we blame them for sexism, racism, inequality, selfishness? If we are blaming them, then why do we rarely say it was their fault for friendships, family, dispute resolutions? Why are we quick to blame and slow to admit, or slow to deny and quick to pride ourselves?

And to what extent are WE creating disasters? Apes minds aren’t as developed as ours, yet we find ways to perpetuate and worsen the human condition and strange wealth type relationships. Money is a people thing, isn’t it?

So now what do we do? Many tend to explain they cannot solve certain problems; that it is out of our control. But didn’t we construct this human reality? Are these forces self- created? If it weren’t for us, would there be an abstract notion in the universe as to what is a person, family, community or world?

If we can build a home, do we build it from the inside, and forget to make doors for exit, or are we too occupied building doors that lead to new and exciting and potentially dangerous rooms? I argue that we’ve left an exit when we built an entrance, that we built this home from the outside because we couldn’t have been in any of it. But did we surround ourselves in the walls as we built it? If we see this building or fortress painted on the exterior, then there sure as hell better be an exit. That’s why I’m studying this terrible shit called Society that reeks of inequality and lacks solutions actually possible.

I seem pessimistic in this essay. I am writing on a website owned by a company and that profits from people expressing themselves, as do my journals. They appeal to us by making things free, and sell space on our pages to companies with strategies of their own. But I feel if we are going through bad things, then we can go through good things too. Time works in Circles (Djet) and linearly (Neheh) and together they form a spiral that a lot of people call history. But some people argue that it has to be going in circles because we don’t seem to learn from our mistakes. And the good things that have changed will probably go back to be terrible again. (Perhaps wages will become lower and lower and lower that subtly we will feel we are wage workers working to pay off our debt like indentured servants, and from there we will give up together and just eat for food.

Changing your thought patterns are just the beginning. Changing your reality and through action, is the way to go. I would like to think making the decision in majoring in Sociology was the first step to take. The second is going even further, until the windows and doors are there, underneath the wall paper suffocating all of us, and not letting the sun shine through. Lord, please let there be light once again. And love for everyone.