The Undertoad

Posted: March 17, 2011 in Uncategorized

Aside from the Undertoad, I am fine. The Undertoad isn’t real by the way. Sometimes we make up problems because some of us were brought up with parents that worried and we’ve taken it up.

Sometimes everything is going perfectly fine and you think about what if this person hurts me or gets sick kinda thing. Or what if ll this good stuff is just trying to distract me and then POW something’s going to come and slap me.

But it’s not good to do that because God will help you with anything necessary to your heart’s happiness, especially if it deals with fearing over the people you love; that something will happen to them.

So I will be less fretful because worrying won’t cure anything, it will just make it worse for me. I was taught that worrying means that you cared, and learned that worrying means getting rid of your guilt: that if you don’t worry about something then you must not care about it. But what if worrying turns into a bad thing? And of course we care- we don’t need to worry to care.

I feel guilty because my mommy feels sick, but the curable in an easy way kind, not the Idk what’s going to happen way. So I was worrying how this is problem. But I don’t wanna worry. But i feel like worrying means I just am worrying cuz I’m worried about myself dealing with it, not about how she feels and what she’s going through.

I don’t know what I can do to help. I suppose I can check up on her. She works too hard. She’s always doing something like a chore, and I want to help. Maybe I should I will help wash the dishes whenever I visit over break, or when things get messy. Anything to help her rest more. She is sick because of stress I think. She isn’t at that age anymore where she can do all of these things and just feel tired. It’s probably bigger than that where your organs start to do weird things. I love my mom. Her body is weird because she gets sick a lot, but not the serious kind. Either her foot hurts, or her stomach hurts, or something.

She is the greatest person I know why does this have to happen to her? I start to blame people except myself first. I blame my sisters for having babies because they leave their babies with her so they can work or go to school. It’s not fair that my mom has to watch them because it’s not like she had the baby then why is she taking care of them?
But I understand. That’s how my mom is and it makes her body feel sick though.

And sometimes I blame my dad for not sharing any of his money with us so he can profit more. My mom is socialism and my dad is capitalism. She takes care of us all equally no matter what. My dad sees us as high cost objects that require lots of capital and wages, so he backs off and tries to establish a base where we appreciate him cuz he “changed our diapers” and “took us to the park those times.” And then I feel guilty when he ays we never call him.

It’s not okay. Because I do feel guilty. He gives me 20 dollars rarely- he gave me some yesterday. And I felt guilty. He creates this image that it’s an effort or struggle just to share a little bit with us. There’s a lot of bad things I can say about my dad but that won’t do anything except make me feel resentful, which I already kinda started feeling.

Sometimes I blame myself, for being such a loser sometimes. For being too scared or confused about how to get a job- no one really taught me how so I assume you have to do online things, but those never work. How do people get jobs? I almost was offered a job, but that person changed their mind. Another time I worked as a test, but they said I was too slow.

What am I writing this for anyway? I think it’s my fault that I didn’t work harder to try and find a job when I had time, but it’s not my fault that we or many families in the U.S. are poor.

Maybe my mom is sick because she doesn’t have the skills to work at jobs where it’s hard to replace workers. Maybe it’s capitalisms fault.

The point is that blaming is a weird thing because no one’s really going to identify themselves as the main cause. We can say “oh it was kinda my fault, but it was more this person’s fault.” But if we’re al just blaming another person, does change really happen?

What will cure my mommy? I hope she goes to the hospital today like she said she would. She couldn’t go last night cuz she had to leave for work at 6AM this morning.

Anyway, that’s MY Undertoad. It’s the only thing in my life that COULD go wrong.

But she’s okay. I put all my love, trust, and faith in God because he’s cured her before, and it’s not a big deal anyway. He’s been there for some WAYYYYYY trippier stuff. I love God because when you are sick, you have to feel sick and He won’t make it go away. But he is there to make the emotional pain go away when you believe Him and when you are with Hm because He loves people so much even though we’re mean after He’s given us everything. I love God.

I want to give back to Him. I want to help my mom feel better. I pray I will get to finish my real good education this year so I can by a home or at lest another apartment where she doesn’t have to work a lot or at all. Because she has done so much for me.

I hope this happens. I love her so much.

The End.

PS

I was originally going to write about a lesson I learned. It’s not about how you spend your money all the time that makes you happy or a certain status, it can be just how you spend your time, or who you spend it with. I learned that in Soc of Mass come but have barely applied it to my own life. I can spend 100 dollars on shoes or take my old shoes and go for a beautiful walk and feed a homeless person. It’s not just about the amount you’re spending, but what ou are doing with it and how you are utiliing your time for it.

Hey what happens if the internet stops existing? Is anyone printing these out? lolz

PPS. The weird thing is, my mom’s name literally translates to “pains.”
How weird.

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