Note

Posted: August 9, 2011 in Uncategorized

Dear friend,

I don’t ask you for favors very much, but I did wanna ask you for one favor this one time; maybe a lot of times.

The only favor I ask of you is that whatever strong internal pain you feel, to not look for something external to cure you. You may feel okay for a little while, the pain may seem it will go away, but it may just feel like numbness- temporary numbness. But I feel that the pain will come back as soon as that thing goes away, whether that pair of shoes that make you happy wear out or get donated by your mom on accident. Whether it is someone who took all your pain away and then left you, left your heart in the same shape as it was before you met them and spent time together- in pain and perhaps broken. Or whether some kind of lifestyle you lived or income you had as your platform somehow unhinged or dissappeared before your very eyes, and made you fall down and left you shaken.

I want you to be strong no matter what happens. I have many fears, one of them being losing a very special friend to something that could have been prevented, or by that one thing that was supposed to take your pain away, the fear that that was the very thing that put you in a horrible position in life.

We all live in pain, and I think that’s why we do a lot of things. Sometimes we are afraid of being hurt by strangers, which I define as people that you think are different than you. I feel like I personally avoid certain people because I am afraid they will not understand, that they will hurt me. The pain keeps me from getting to know people, and it makes me look for people that are very very similar to me, which is not fair for the people that are just regularly similar to me.

Anyway, I don’t know you very well, but I feel like maybe in your life you have dealt with a lot of pain, the pain that may seemingly never go away. Maybe you grew up with people that didn’t show you the love that you needed, or hurt you physically or emotionally- whether they lived with you or went to school with you, or maybe both. Maybe your pain was from what you saw happen to other people, and maybe that made you think other people would do the same to you, or that person. I don’t know what may have caused the pain, the pain you have or may have.

I don’t want you to look for things that will make you feel better; that’s exactly what they’d do and what I am afraid of: they will make you FEEL better. They will not teach you lessons, or make you grow as a person, or make what happened go away, or anything definite. Drugs, alcohol, relationships based on vanity and/ or some kind of emotional void, etc. I don’t want you to do things that will hurt you even more and manipulate you. That perhaps will lead to even more pain than before, and hurt not just you but the people that love you. The kind of love that never dies, but just hurts more and more. Why add to the pain? I care about you.

Anyway, I’ve probably made you out to be some kind of horrible person, but you aren’t. I just know that you are very very special. Maybe sometimes at night you really think about yourself and how special you are, and how you were destined to be some kind of important person for the world (yes, world). I don’t want you to ever go away when you weren’t ready, to heal yourself by hurting yourself. Life is a battle, you WILL feel PAIN. I just feel making it worse won’t make it better, and there are safer ways to go about it, like self-reflection and talking to the people you trust enough (perhaps there are more).

I don’t know if I have ever helped you, or impacted you or anything; that type of feeling will perhaps give credibility to this favor I ask of you. I don’t know if I am a good role model or anything. I just feel a lot of pain a lot of times, and thanks to certain people I have met in my life (maybe even you yourself), I know I can work with my pain and not let it interfere with my life and the people I love. I know to not rely on many things like sex, drugs, food, or anything else that can turn into dangerous and addictive means of medication for when I feel a deep sense of pain or fear; that I must rely on myself first and foremost to deal with life’s problems, be they past, present or future. If you DO do those things I listed just as means to have fun, or for introspection, then I don’t really mind, as long as you do so responsibly and not as a means of healing indefinitely.

I deal with my pain (past, present, and future) mostly by praying to God, by writing things, and talking to people about things, although the fear I have to open up limits these conversations, but is a still productive and safe way to deal with these things. At this point I don’t know how else to deal with the pain. Maybe I should take up pain-ting.

Anyway, I guess I just want you to feel safe, and okay. Depending on how much I know you, I may or may not know certain events in your life that have hurt you deeply, deeply deeply. More likely this pain was from social processes/ other human beings. Or maybe a turtle ate your sandwhich one day.

Nevertheless, I think it’s important to say one more thing. When I grow up, I don’t know exactly know what I want to do as a career or something, but I want to work with people in a special way, a very special way. I want to be a healer. I don’t want to cause anyone any pain, nor make their pain continue by ignoring their pleas from help. I feel like healing, or at least trying to heal people with pain, because it would make the both of us, or the three of us feel better; the good kind of feel better where we aren’t hurting ourselves in the process. I pray that I have the opportunity to do what many, maybe even you, have done for me. I just want to be there, because that’s all you need sometimes for the pain to go away. Just to be there, maybe to talk to you, or maybe just to listen is enough.

For this I should try and be a pure person. To try not to hurt other people, regardless of my society’s and media’s glorifications of the riches that come from violence and injustices.

If I try to become, or stay an innocent person, a more or less pure person so that I could make my dreams come true, will you do something for me? Promise me that you will address your pain in the right way? It may not go away, for a while or ever. But it can be masked with things. Worst come to worst, things that may kill us. I believe I and many other people in this world are being deceived for some reason. Can you just promise me ever in your life, to not make the pain any worse? Maybe that will take the pain away? You are a strong person, and I look up to you, not in every way, but in certain things. And you don’t deserve to feel that much pain and not know what to do, and to dig yourself in a deep hole should something scary happen.

I pray that we both take our pain and use is as a way to grow and become stronger people, and fight the fight we deal with on a daily basis: the battle between me and myself; or you and yourself. And if you see me in this kind of trouble or going through not-so-good channels to deal with something, please let me know; otherwise what I wrote will have meant nothing.

Thank you for being my friend. I don’t know if you believe in God, or Jesus or anything, and I honestly don’t hold anything against you if you don’t; cuz that would be going against what I believe in. I just wanted to leave this Bible verse because it’s just one of those things that has helped me and I wanted to share it. I hope it’s not taken too out of context:

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?

As it is written:

‘For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered sheep to be slaughtered.’

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present or future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

What I got out of this the most wasn’t so much the Jesus part, it was more about what love was, is, and always be. It’s something that will never die, or bring anyone or anything apart. No matter what. And if it does, then I don’t think it’s love; maybe it’s something we wish were that way. But I think we’ll know.

Thank you for everything.

Always your friend,

John

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