I may start blogging again…

Posted: September 12, 2011 in Uncategorized

Hey whoever’s actually reading these,

So I am on break for 2 weeks before starting my senior year in college. At the moment I am at the Public Library typing things.

I had a series of index cards with things written on them, things that are suppose to be goals for these 2 weeks. Here they are.

-Write a 5 page report on two important people in history: one man and one woman.

-Write a song

-Ride on the beach’s bike path more often. (I should purchase a bike light. All of mine break and the one I found is crap on a string- figuratively, anyway.)

-Write 5 Poems

-Do 25 Push-ups (in a row).

-Cook a Meal for my family

-Read one book (I have the choice of reading wither one or two; I choose one now.)

-Work out legs and butt because I heard girls like that more, and I think it’s best if I did them and ignore the annoying, good-for-nothing exercises at the school gym. Squats and Lunges and Deadlifts are the real winners in life.

– Volunteer at the Veteran Center (They told me to do a Live Scan [whatever the fuck THAT is] a while ago and I never kept in touch with them.)

-Throw out junk (our home is full of junk that no one uses but somehow is still there.)

-Clean the [dreaded] closet (not even going into that).

– Go to SMC Tuesdays and Thursdays

-Eat NO beef or pork! (This is kind of… not going to happen)

-Long distance running (yet to be written about)

-Write to God on Sundays

-See a movie and write about it

-Do 10 pull-ups in a row

-Dance more (which is hard since there’s no privacy at home.)

-And I guess write a blog post at least 4-5 times a week. (I’ll probably just end up doing it all the time.)

So I have been good at having absolutely no routine in my life, mostly because of my social issues and my low-self-esteem, which I am planning to work on more. When you don’t have a lot of friends you tend to not do anything, or at least what the popular meaning of the phrase ‘doing nothing’ means. Of course I do things and the day begins and ends. I want to say I am killing time because I am. It is 2:20 and I’ll go to sleep in about 8-11 hours so I can wait for the next day to finish. I am one sad ass motehfucker (for now) The funny part is I think in teh future I think everything’s automatically going to be perfect, which is in fact wrong by definition. The key contributor to the future is the present, and the key contributor to the present is ther present and secondarily, the past. Me and the past- we have issues that need to be resolved and shit. Things I need to grow out of already.

I’m waiting so I can go back to school on the 26th. I should really look for a job, but I’m the type of person that is expecting to not be hired because I think I’m worthless and that everyone with a retail job is an absolute asshole who doesn’t want me. And of course I go and blame it on the economy, or something. Yeah, that’s it! That’s why I can’t even look for a job!

So I’m mostly going to be writing things, which is what it says on the list. I doubt I’ll be watching much TV since I don’t really want to go home until I know no one’s around. I like being alone. It feels right when I am alone, because two things have been accomplished:

1. People don’t have to deal with me
2. I don’t have to worry about them hurting my feelings

And so there is an unwritten agreement that I should just be by myself and not have to worry about those moments where I hate what they did or when I have to schedule to see them again or something weird.

I’m just a very very very phobia-ridden person; well, not really. I’m not afraid of spiders or common fears. I’m just afraid of getting up and doing things, especially when it comes to building- BUILDING- relationships. Relationships really don’t just happen, which is what I want them to do. But you have to put all this work in and act aggressive and confident, and assertive; you have to risk people accusing that you’re smothering them when you contact them. You have to deal with the silences people have on the phone because (for whatever reason) people don’t want to converse on the phone anymore. I don’t because it feels weird, and I catch myself thinking “Am I having a phone call right now? What do I say; how does this shit even work anymore? Why are they bothering me? WE can’t talk to each other on the phone right now!”

Anyway, relationships are tough because they all have issues- any relationship. Frogs and trees have good relationships until a frog breaks a leg and can’t go on a tree anymore. Me and the post people are cool until the mailman drops off a package at my door and tries to hit on me (MailMAN). We can’t have relationships in perfect symbiosis. Well, we can, it’s just a matter of what we think of symbiosis. Sometimes it’s a damaging kind of symbiotic relationship.

I dunno; people are weird. I’m weird; people tell me all the time and aren’t afraid to say it. What they ARE afraid to admit is that THEY’RE fuckin’ weird and have some SERIOUS issues they wanna blame on everyone else or even act like they aren’t real and some shit. YOU ain’t perfect; shit.

Anyway, before I get all angryassmotherfuckerinthehouse.com up in this bitch, maybe I should end this post here. i don’t know what else to write about. I am getting hungry, but I do not want to spend money or go home any time soon. Fracking… ON THE EARTH!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s