I am afraid to write to you even though I felt most comfortable writing to you about this scenario, about how this world is hell and how I am such a loser for all the wrong reasons.
This world is a place where mostly unfortunate things happen to anyone, whether they deserve it or not. Not everyone knows that they are loved, nor do they know how to love someone. This place is my worst nightmare sometimes. I find a lot of people on this place to be very intimidating. I recently started online dating, to which I only had the… courage to send one girl a message, to which she not replied. Did I tell you about this one time where I chatted with a girl and it turned out to be a pornstar? I don’t think she is a star, but I think she does porn and is a stripper. Anyway, I didn’t find this about until she told me (this was on the internet) and I thought we were going to be friends but she hasn’t really written to me.
I want to give up so bad on finding people, girls, even if it’s just for friendship. It just takes me too long to be willing to open up and feel safe with others, and I think people here want everything fast, which is the issue because I can be very different from what they want, and they don’t want to help guide you they just expect you to have everything so you can help them out or something. It’s just a lot of abandonment I am feeling more than anything right now. It’s so true what your parents or wise people tell you. 99 percent of the people in your life come and go. They talk to you one night like they knew you before they met you, like you were destined to have been introduced into your life, but the next thing you know they’re just gone. It’s funny. I don’t think this world was meant for me; it is so challenging just to get started in teh real world.
I just graduated and nevermind how hard it is for college graduates to find jobs, it is very difficult for me to find a job. I have very low self- esteem. I can’t even care about myself enough to write a resume, let a lone a good one in weird ass cream paper, whatever that is. I just get really bad luck to tell you the truth. I lose everything too. I lost my journal, and so I rode my bike to this part of town to get new journal to write in, finally, just to realize I forgot my debit card so writing on paper is a no-go, which is why I am writing here today.
Um, yea so I am very stuck, and I don’t know where to go to. The word supportive; I define it differently than the world does. To me it’s not when people hate what you are trying to do but are okay with what you are doing anyway. To me it means helping us get started, being there for us to talk about it and stuff. It’s not about shallow communication.
I have so much fear Kelly, and I don’t know how to get help or help myself. I am tired of wishing for people to come into my life, tired of not feeling good enough about myself to gather the energy to find these great people.
I say I will never give up, but it’s so cold where I am now. Just here but not present.
Anyway, keep it real homegirl. I will always love and appreciate the company you gave me.