Archive for October, 2012

Hey There!

Posted: October 27, 2012 in Uncategorized

Dear Friend,

 

I don’t have much time to write to you today so I will rush this one. I start working at Starbucks tomorrow which is in very good time because I’ll probably need this job the way things are going now.

 

I have so many reasons to be grateful for this job even though it’s extremely distant to what I studied. This job is a symbol for so much issues I have had in my life, like my feelings of self-worth and just contributing in society and not feeling like such a loser all the time. I gave up on internet dating because like I said these people are too normal and irrelevant for everything I was taught and all that I value. I rather just focus on doing teh best job I can do and just get all my letters of rec. for graduate school and talk to Dr. Black about all of that stuff again.

 

I am so glad I can start tomorrow. I still think this world is hell and too many bad things happen but i feel better when it comes to this stuff. Finally having a closer feeling of belonging to this world.

 

Also, I’m not going to be doing anything on Halloween but I honestly don’t care. Fun is the last thing on my mind I just want to be responsible about this job. I gotta go buy black pants and work shoes see ya!

 

Your friend,

 

John

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I am screwed

Posted: October 18, 2012 in Uncategorized

Hi.

I don’t really have much an idea of how to be in relationships. I mean what the fuck do you even do? I can’t ask out a girl for shit. I see some gorgeous person and I’m all like, your obviously an alien from another planet and we just cannot communicate or relate to each other. Sure we have arms legs eyes emotions struggles- rel bonding type of shit you know? Well it doesn’t matter in my mind that is the thing with me. No matter how much you show and prove how reality can be if I made the effort, I won’t believe you.

The thing is, girls give me this energy or something, but the kind where I feel that they kind of control it. Girls were always just scary for me. There was also groups of girls in elementary and middle school that just didn’t like me, almost despised me. But why? I have no idea to be honest with you, but they deceived me and now I believe so many girls just auto-hate me just for existing. And you know what? It’s hard to freaking combat it and change. You believe something no matter how epically absurd it may be, it will materialize right in front of you and in an intense way.

I am going to my SLAA meeting today; it stands for Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous but with an anorexic focus. I actually have to hurry since it starts at 8 and I have to bus it all the way over there. Uhm, anyway,  it’s cold now so I must wear the sweater. Oh yea so I haven’t talked to girls like I used to in college, but to be honest teh only times I would really talk to girls was when I studied with them and it didn’t really get hot and heavy or whatever you call it. I have no idea if any of the girls I have come into direct or indirect contact even liked me. Is that something to be proud or ashamed of? I honestly don’t know! No one ever taught me how to know. If I could only read minds! Dang; I don’t wanna go to SLAA but I must.

 

Now it’s even harder because I’m behind in terms of my age group and I just feel like I’d be unattracting women the more I speak to them. As this one teenager told me, I am a freak. It’s so true. I have years of writing to back it up! No one ever believes me when I say stuff or the kind of stuff I write, the world just does not like certain people because they can’t find a reason to like the world. And can you blame them.

 

Maybe this is all a rant now, but be warned: one day I will get over this. Come hell or high water I will learn to know what affection is!

 So, I’m updating the SLAA meeting. It’s confidential, so I can’t say much, but, I got to lead the meeting that night! It was fun, and I felt like a leader. I want to do it every week. I hate taking the bus there and back though; it’s very draining. I know I have issues understanding and communicating with people. Some people say I don’t but I know I do. My lack of both self-respect and equailty with others makes it hard for me to be in relationships. The most important relationship you could be in is the one with God, then yourself. If you can’t even do that and you’re not naturally gifted at bonding or aren’t hot, then you have to go down the narrow path. God loves everybody, but this world, Hell, doesn’t. This world only wants your money and your body and mind. God just wants you to believe in Him and you will be loved and protected for the rest of your days.

 

Oh where Oh where

Posted: October 10, 2012 in Uncategorized

has my little soul gone; o where, o where could it be??

 

 

Dear Friend,

 

I learned a lot today in just a short few lines, from the letter written to me by my sister. I learned how this depending on others to make me feel better just isn’t going to work out after all. I know it sucks, but it’s the truth.

 

Long ago, I was at a meeting. After this meeting, one woman told me: “John, no one is going to love you, so you have to love yourself.” This was one of the most powerful statements I have ever heard in my whole life. It’s so true, even though it sounds so wrong.

 

Everyday is a struggle for everybody; I don’t think we give ourselves enough credit for moving on. Today, I don’t really have a soul. I stopped desiring the things I once did, maybe just for today. And I feel hollow. Not so much anxious though. I feel like a vacuum.

 

I’m going to SLAA today, maybe that will help, but I never know how much to tell them. We all go there to talk more than to listen, and maybe that is okay. I just don’t know how to bond with people there since it is only once a week for one and a half hours.

 

Sorry if my whole life feels an empty sob story with nothing magical about it. Yes good and bad things happen to me. This world is kind of ugly, a place where you are taught to want things that are no good for you, and to walk away from the things that might be.

 

My goals are to find a steady job for about a year before I start applying for graduate school. More than anything I would like to be a teacher. Try to talk to people about meaningful stuff hoping that someone will listen and change their lives for the better, even if it meant letting go of one stupid person or not doing drugs or believing in themselves more.

 

I just want to be a good role model. Because I don’t think I have ever had one, except for my mom, who has tried as hard as she could in the type of condition we were in.

 

I feel like this is all very personal, but I don’t really care so much. The time is coming where we must move forward on our own or become left behind.

 

Thanks for listening,

 

John

The world is Hell Part I

Posted: October 8, 2012 in Uncategorized

Dear Kelly,

 

I am afraid to write to you even though I felt most comfortable writing to you about this scenario, about how this world is hell and how I am such a loser for all the wrong reasons.

 

This world is a place where mostly unfortunate things happen to anyone, whether they deserve it or not. Not  everyone knows that they are loved, nor do they know how to love someone. This place is my worst nightmare sometimes. I find a lot of people on this place to be very intimidating. I recently started online dating, to which I only had the… courage to send one girl a message, to which she not replied. Did I tell you about this one time where I chatted with a girl and it turned out to be a pornstar? I don’t think she is a star, but I think she does porn and is a stripper. Anyway, I didn’t find this about until she told me (this was on the internet) and I thought we were going to be friends but she hasn’t really written to me. 

 

I want to give up so bad on finding people, girls, even if it’s just for friendship. It just takes me too long to be willing to open up and feel safe with others, and I think people here want everything fast, which is the issue because I can be very different from what they want, and they don’t want to help guide you they just expect you to have everything so you can help them out or something. It’s just a lot of abandonment I am feeling more than anything right now. It’s so true what your parents or wise people tell you. 99 percent of the people in your life come and go. They talk to you one night like they knew you before they met you, like you were destined to have been introduced into your life, but the next thing you know they’re just gone. It’s funny. I don’t think this world was meant for me; it is so challenging just to get started in teh real world.

 

I just graduated and nevermind how hard it is for college graduates to find jobs, it is very difficult for me to find a job. I have very low self- esteem. I can’t even care about myself enough to write a resume, let a lone a good one in weird ass cream paper, whatever that is. I just get really bad luck to tell you the truth. I lose everything too. I lost my journal, and so I rode my bike to this part of town to get  new journal to write in, finally, just to realize I forgot my debit card so writing on paper is a no-go, which is why I am writing here today. 

 

Um, yea so I am very stuck, and I don’t know where to go to. The word supportive; I define it differently than the world does. To me it’s not when people hate what you are trying to do but are okay with what you are doing anyway. To me it means helping us get started, being there for us to talk about it and stuff. It’s not about shallow communication. 

 

I have so much fear Kelly, and I don’t know how to get help or help myself. I am tired of wishing for people to come into my life, tired of not feeling good enough about myself to gather the energy to find these great people. 

I say I will never give up, but it’s so cold where I am now. Just here but not present.

 

Anyway, keep it real homegirl. I will always love and appreciate the company you gave me.

 

Sincerely,

 

John