I am screwed

Posted: October 18, 2012 in Uncategorized

Hi.

I don’t really have much an idea of how to be in relationships. I mean what the fuck do you even do? I can’t ask out a girl for shit. I see some gorgeous person and I’m all like, your obviously an alien from another planet and we just cannot communicate or relate to each other. Sure we have arms legs eyes emotions struggles- rel bonding type of shit you know? Well it doesn’t matter in my mind that is the thing with me. No matter how much you show and prove how reality can be if I made the effort, I won’t believe you.

The thing is, girls give me this energy or something, but the kind where I feel that they kind of control it. Girls were always just scary for me. There was also groups of girls in elementary and middle school that just didn’t like me, almost despised me. But why? I have no idea to be honest with you, but they deceived me and now I believe so many girls just auto-hate me just for existing. And you know what? It’s hard to freaking combat it and change. You believe something no matter how epically absurd it may be, it will materialize right in front of you and in an intense way.

I am going to my SLAA meeting today; it stands for Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous but with an anorexic focus. I actually have to hurry since it starts at 8 and I have to bus it all the way over there. Uhm, anyway,  it’s cold now so I must wear the sweater. Oh yea so I haven’t talked to girls like I used to in college, but to be honest teh only times I would really talk to girls was when I studied with them and it didn’t really get hot and heavy or whatever you call it. I have no idea if any of the girls I have come into direct or indirect contact even liked me. Is that something to be proud or ashamed of? I honestly don’t know! No one ever taught me how to know. If I could only read minds! Dang; I don’t wanna go to SLAA but I must.

 

Now it’s even harder because I’m behind in terms of my age group and I just feel like I’d be unattracting women the more I speak to them. As this one teenager told me, I am a freak. It’s so true. I have years of writing to back it up! No one ever believes me when I say stuff or the kind of stuff I write, the world just does not like certain people because they can’t find a reason to like the world. And can you blame them.

 

Maybe this is all a rant now, but be warned: one day I will get over this. Come hell or high water I will learn to know what affection is!

 So, I’m updating the SLAA meeting. It’s confidential, so I can’t say much, but, I got to lead the meeting that night! It was fun, and I felt like a leader. I want to do it every week. I hate taking the bus there and back though; it’s very draining. I know I have issues understanding and communicating with people. Some people say I don’t but I know I do. My lack of both self-respect and equailty with others makes it hard for me to be in relationships. The most important relationship you could be in is the one with God, then yourself. If you can’t even do that and you’re not naturally gifted at bonding or aren’t hot, then you have to go down the narrow path. God loves everybody, but this world, Hell, doesn’t. This world only wants your money and your body and mind. God just wants you to believe in Him and you will be loved and protected for the rest of your days.

 

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