Archive for February, 2013

Walking Dead

Posted: February 25, 2013 in Uncategorized

I feel like I should be happy or proud or motivated or not see things as so bleak, and I really want to do just that. You see, my life has started standing still, and I have not been around people and institutions that I used to know.

 

Not many people walk with life. Maybe I am one of those people. There are many who are full of life and are an active part of their community, those who are living. I want to go to college again, and I would like to grow up and be a braver, stronger person. But the thing is, I do not know where to start. Yesterday I realized I need some sort of mentor who knows what he or she is doing. It has been on my mind a lot, but then again I told myself maybe I can be that person.

 

I don’t know what’s been making me feel so low. I think if you are alone, or feel alone, for too a long things get really blurry and you start to feel less and less there. I have been more sheltered and withdrawn. Not only have I failed to reach out to others, it is almost like I am trying to send a message to people by just being passive, as if they knew I needed there help without me saying anything. I don’t think it works that way. A lot of times I sit outside in public, hoping someone will see me and know everything and be my friend, or at least talk to me, but that’s not how the world thinks. I wonder if other people feel the same way, or if I can be that person… who… approaches. It’s weird. I’ve always been afraid to talk to people, but now it’s not just really a fear, it’s more a lifestyle to avoid, or a … a given a fixed description of my interactions or lack thereof. I think it’s my scheduling because I used to feel more connected but it’s all kind of a blur now. I need to hang out with people again but I don’t know where to start. I wanted to try to talk to Kelly again but it’s not really a mutual or consistent kind of thing so I’m not going to bother writing, andI don’t even know what to write about not much cool stuff happens.

 

I’ve got hope though. I am alive so I should really act like it. I need to talk to people again… I haven’t had an actual conversation with someone since I talked to my Soc. Professor… that was I think sometime in.. mid January. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but here is the thing. Where I work you constantly communicate wih others and/ or engage in this neat little conversation I call small talk, which unfortunately I am getting better at, which is a terrible thing to admit, sadly. Anyhow, even though I talk to probably a hundred people everyday ( i should really count ) it’s not the same as before. Where you talk to people for a long time.  I miss that dearly, and have been reduced to short internet and text messages, letters I send that come with no replies, and questions like how is your week going or I’ll see you again/ have a great day.

I long to have a conversation with the customers, and strangers I see, but sadly I feel beneath many of them, because it seems they live.

 

– The Walking Dead

someone help me

Posted: February 21, 2013 in Uncategorized

I need friends to consistently write to and write back to. My email address is ddghxc@yahoo.com contact me if you’d like. The meter on this PC is going to expire anyone down to write to me hit me up I will write back I love writing things are really blurry I need to talk to people as in have an actual conversation.

 

Peace,

 

John

Sleeping Weird

Posted: February 17, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Hi, my name is John and my sleeping pattern is all out of whack. Yesterday I slept 12. 5 hours and today realistically I don’t think I will fall asleep. It is 3:30 AM and I have work tomorrow at 6… PM, which is great I guess, except it is my brothers birthday and I won’t be able to celebrate it with him… at least not in the evening.

 

And so my sleeping on a regular basis and consistently I guess has gone out the window. Somedays I sleep at 7pm, some days  I sleep at 1AM, some days I do not sleep at all. And it’s driving me crazy. Valientine’s Day I think I slept the whole entire day I think. I didn’t really like that day very much.

 

I’ve been trying to make sense out of everything and I don’t know what’s wrong with me and what’s wrong with other people and if it is them or it is just me. Right now I am blogging which is not just for porn stars and stay at home moms with kittens and cookie recipes. I am listening to a band called Armor For Sleep which I used to listen to in high school when I was very sad about everything. Not this whole emo thing that as sort of popular then, but empty said where I couldn’t see much hope. Of course, I don’t see much hope now, but I feel somewhat more comfortable in my own environments I guess. What am I going to do tomorrow. I haven’t anything for my big brother and I don’t want to wake up until 12pm. It’s Sunday and he doesn’t work on Sunday. I feel like Kelly might be reading this so I am not as lucid and open in my writing. Not that I hate her, I just feel like part of the diary feeling has been sacrificed to an extent and this may influence my writing.

I have been thinking about running away somewhere. Far far away actually. But I haven’t enough money. I was thinking of just leaving on my bike somewhere like New York or Nashville, or even Paris but I have work and my family will worry and I don’t even have a car or even a license. And I’m not sure I can fit all my stuff in a backpack like in teh video games.

 

I want to do it though. A lot of things can wait, and I haven’t any children or crippled horses to tend to or anything like that. Now I am listening to “Artificial” by X Ray Spex. I had a friend who hung out with a group of people that I eventually hung out with but couldn’t relate to who listened to music like this mostly punk music but now I am guessing their musical “tastes” have expanded very very much.

I close tomorrow with the Beast. Who knows what will come up from it all. I honestly hope I don’t really go in at 615 AM not PM cuz that would be terrible. I hate lattes. Not with a passion. Just don’t like them is all. I don’t even like coffee most the time, unless it has ice in it. One old guy named Steve I made a latte for said he refused to burn his tongue. On Friday I made a latte for this Nashevillian lady or her husband or whomever and small talked to her which is what u eventually learn to do around here and I told her I would love to go there one day and she said I would like it, probably. She left and the guy in line after her, when I handed him his drink I made he told me the lady I was talking to had at least 10,000 dollars cash in her bag and I as surprised and curious about it as well. One time also this one lady who sounded like a rich girl turned raggae-hipster-gypsy was ordering tea and was whort like 2 dollars and her boyfriend or whatever wearing a wife beater and jeans and dreadlocks took out a huge wad of cash or something and took a bill out and handed me a 20. then he put either 2 or 6 dollars in my tip jar which was excellent. The day after the same lady came in with a kid who to be honest and silly reminded me of that little boy from Jumanji (the movie) that eventually turned into part monkey. I guess she was helping him with his math homework cuz she asked us if she could borrow a pencil and was sitting with him working on homework. And so, I feel like we will see more of them now. A lot of people get mad when we tell them we do not have a breakfast sandwhich or an oven. Like really mad as if we … I rather not talk about it. A lot of people give us attitude and sass. One time I asked my manager what to do in terms of coffee brewing and he told me to dump everything except Pike, but I had a feeling the decaf should stay, that people would want this decaffeinated coffee AKA contradictory asswater. But he said he was sure and so of course all these people start asking for decaf. I dont see why we stop brewing decaf after noon. People don’t really need decaf in teh early morning anyway, but… I mean no one is going to listen to me; I am probably at the bottom of teh totem pole. But I am okay with that I guess. All I care about primarily is feeling like I am doing something with myself. But I really should look for bigger goals.

Which is why I want to run away, with absolutely no plan at all. Maybe things will turn out like they are supposed to. I need a lot fo money for that stuff though… Perhaps I should just save up for it. I’ve always been more into random adventures anyway.

 

Signing out,

 

John

Wishing Well (Story/ Freewrite)

Posted: February 6, 2013 in Uncategorized

Once upon a time there was a meadow out in the middle of nowhere. No, it wasn’t sunny and beautiful here. It was often rainy, and murky. There were angry loking frogs and mud puddles laying around. No one really lived there, or even bothered to visit there. Some people, very few people went. NOt as a group, or a club, but alone. Very rarely you owuld go there and someone else would be there. There was no reason TO be there, except that there was an old wishing well behind a square of tall, neck-high grass. It was behind all of that grass.

Like I said, not many people went there, and if they did it wasn’t a very big deal. Back then kids used to hang around there, roughhouse and get into all kinds of trouble like kids usually do, but eventually these kids grew up and the newer kids preferred to stay out of this kind of trouble. Anyhow, there was this wishing well, and it wasn’t a big deal anymore.

I’ve never personally been to the wishing well myself, but I HAVE heard plenty of stories. How do I know these stories? I’m not sure I can explain it in text. It turns out a lot of people who wish are different than one another and want different things. One guy I heard, his name was David. He had a dream of writing for Televsion, and worst case scenario at least be a director. His job wasn’t really related to the field, although he did say he pitched ideas with a team he had to get things going. When you hear people’s wishes, I don’t know it’s like you REALLY listen, you REALLY hear every word they’re saying, and clearly too.

This is getting kind of dry, but I wanted to tell you about this wishing well because I lied to you, I did visit the wishing well and it was very exciting because I saw things STRANGE things. I saw a girl my age wearing all black and heavy make up, and she was wearing somewhat goth clothing and she was crying that weird make up gunk she had on. She didn’t notice me and I could tell she didn’t want to, nor did she want anyone to notice her. And so I stepped back. Then she left. There was a mat she left just laying there, where she was kneeling lik ethe football players do after they finish scoring a goal. And I just sat on it like I did when I was a kid listening to stories in class on that rug that looked kind of like a gameboard that we never really used as anything but an ordinary sitting rug. Then I decided to go look inside the well, well because it was there after all, and it was real. There was a staircase there like eight feet down and I figured somoene could go into it and maybe no one really tried to or even bothered to look inside. LIke I said it wasn’t a big deal. Just a place you went to throw sticks and rocks into as a kid, or dimes and pennies as a bored or tired grown up.

And so I went down the stairs. Have you ever seen the Goonies? It was just like the wishing well in teh Goonies, but it was more attic like. Sorry, I am trying to describe wishing wells but I have only really been in one. Anyhow, there was random waterfalls. Where all this water came from I have no idea. It smelled like it does when it rains and if you ever smelled and or licked rusty pennies. If you were quiet enough you could hear a great smooth whirling sound. It sounded pretty, like loud kittens in a shower or something. That meant someone was listening to a wish, and really thinking about it, you know? Anyway, I got to see hear people’s dreams eventually after visiting the well, because well I had stayed there for so long. You know like if you spend the whole day at an amusement park and go on a jillion roller coasters it still feels like you’re on one, or when you swim backtroke at a pool the whole day u feel like it at night in bed. Well it was kind of liek that, except you got to know people’d dreams, however bizarre they were. One lady wished she would stop being allergic to ice cream. Like, this lady was REALLy into not being allergic to ice cream. It was crazy. I got tired of it after a while, and it started to get in the way of school. I would just be not listening to teh teacher as usual and doing weird doodles and it got to a point where I would just see wishes on my yellow divider paper, like little pen animations. People being famous, or loved by many, mostly that stuff. People wishing to see people that aren’t in their life for whatever reason, general happiness.

That month was the month I got into this one person’s wish. They were probably visiting the well twice or even two times a week, wishing for the same thing, and maybe adding a thing here or there at the end. It was bizzare because I felt it at the same exact day and time one week, the next week it would be random. It was weird.

Like I said it became a big deal. You know, I REALLY REALLY wanted this person’s wish to come true. And so the whole Fall I decide I was going to make their wish come true. I did real bad in school, even in math class which I was good at. I would just eat cheesy puffs, the white kind, and look at doodles, and make an outline of how to make their dream come true. Nevermind the fact that I didn’t know who or where this person was! There wish was coming true. And let me tell you IT WASN’T EASY. NOw it wasn’t something like bringing back someone from the dead, or making this person fly, fly away. I just had to help them find someone, someone far far away, people that had never met in real life, or even on the internet for that matter. Yes none of this happened in the 80s or 40s, it was not too long ago actually. I had to essentially produce a coincidence. Looking back I have no idea how it happened. Apparent-app-ap-apparently there was this person that traveled into another c-c-c-coun-country and rode a train and started talking to this other person about how long the train was taking and how cold it was, and asking all kinds of introductory questions. To be honest it got really boring in the beginning, but they eventually had a long train ride (like over a day and talked a lot).

And so I had to make these people meet again, somehow.

I know it seems like this is where the story starts, but it really isn’t. I honestly don’t know how I made their wish come true, I just kept wishing too, and eventually I learned the other person wished the same thing. It’s weird because at first I thought the same as the first person, that the other person must have forgotten and that they remembered all too well. It wans’t like that though. They both wish they’d see each other again, and I really got to feel that. So we all wished, wherever we did. I wished everyday, multiple times a day. He went to the well ( I guess) and she must have wished somewhere special.

My mom says when two or more people pray for something to happen it comes true. I always pray with her and other people that want something because I want them to be happy and okay. As for me, I stopped dreaming of things, wishing. One time I went to the beach, and this is true by the way. I was about to wish for something, but I realized that there was no point. I went to the pier, not the crowded one you see in movies but a pier nevertheless. I had a token to an arcade and was going to use it as a means to find happiness like all these other people did, but eventually I just threw it in out of anger, or frustration, like how you would skip a rock.

Not sure what the lesson I learned was. I keep my wishes in a different world than this one. I have resorted to imagining good things happening in a world different than this one. A world where good things always happen and you don’t have to wish for anything, where everyone listens to you, loves you, and could read your mind. It makes this one hell, but it’s something to hold onto at night. Like a teddy bear when you were a kid. Something to make you feel like you had what you could never have and still feel the same.