Walking Dead

Posted: February 25, 2013 in Uncategorized

I feel like I should be happy or proud or motivated or not see things as so bleak, and I really want to do just that. You see, my life has started standing still, and I have not been around people and institutions that I used to know.

 

Not many people walk with life. Maybe I am one of those people. There are many who are full of life and are an active part of their community, those who are living. I want to go to college again, and I would like to grow up and be a braver, stronger person. But the thing is, I do not know where to start. Yesterday I realized I need some sort of mentor who knows what he or she is doing. It has been on my mind a lot, but then again I told myself maybe I can be that person.

 

I don’t know what’s been making me feel so low. I think if you are alone, or feel alone, for too a long things get really blurry and you start to feel less and less there. I have been more sheltered and withdrawn. Not only have I failed to reach out to others, it is almost like I am trying to send a message to people by just being passive, as if they knew I needed there help without me saying anything. I don’t think it works that way. A lot of times I sit outside in public, hoping someone will see me and know everything and be my friend, or at least talk to me, but that’s not how the world thinks. I wonder if other people feel the same way, or if I can be that person… who… approaches. It’s weird. I’ve always been afraid to talk to people, but now it’s not just really a fear, it’s more a lifestyle to avoid, or a … a given a fixed description of my interactions or lack thereof. I think it’s my scheduling because I used to feel more connected but it’s all kind of a blur now. I need to hang out with people again but I don’t know where to start. I wanted to try to talk to Kelly again but it’s not really a mutual or consistent kind of thing so I’m not going to bother writing, andI don’t even know what to write about not much cool stuff happens.

 

I’ve got hope though. I am alive so I should really act like it. I need to talk to people again… I haven’t had an actual conversation with someone since I talked to my Soc. Professor… that was I think sometime in.. mid January. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but here is the thing. Where I work you constantly communicate wih others and/ or engage in this neat little conversation I call small talk, which unfortunately I am getting better at, which is a terrible thing to admit, sadly. Anyhow, even though I talk to probably a hundred people everyday ( i should really count ) it’s not the same as before. Where you talk to people for a long time.  I miss that dearly, and have been reduced to short internet and text messages, letters I send that come with no replies, and questions like how is your week going or I’ll see you again/ have a great day.

I long to have a conversation with the customers, and strangers I see, but sadly I feel beneath many of them, because it seems they live.

 

– The Walking Dead

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