Writerz Blockk

Posted: March 11, 2013 in Uncategorized

It happens. I need to write more consistenly, but like I said I don’t know if certain people are reading so I am very prudent and yes this kind of caution may influence what and how I write.

 

Yesterday I wanted to just straight up run away from work and never show up again. My ankles and knees feel very strange at different parts of the day and I don’t know if I can deal with things or how to deal with things anymore. I believe I am strong enough but I have been using food to cope with a lot of things and haven’t been talking much to people about my personal issues.

 

I kind of miss being in a room where everyone there wanted to be there and that was why they were all there, the classroom. I didn’t feel much pressure there and felt I could be a genuine person and safe and void of too much mistake-making. When you’r ein school they speak of the real world, but it isn’t so real because it’s very much a series of transactions and attempts to get other people to like you and I don’t know if it’s worth it. I like classrooms because it feels you are closed off and it all feels special.

 

There are trade-offs though. Like before I had this job I felt very low all the time and ashamed, now I am not as low and not as ashamed. And I get free tea in bulk everyweek. I don’t drink tea that often but who knows what you may need it for. My boss actually has this whole week off; spent this weekend with his mom and dat at Disneyland. About time he was always so exhausted.

 

Life is strange because I let a lot of people go for no reason, but mostly because it was I who felt they did not want me in their lives, but really they were just quiet and I thought that meant they really didn’t want me around. So I just stopped talking to them. You have a phone, it has a list of names. I see my phone and these names are symbolic of my own shortcomings, the people who I could talk to but who are better off without me or too busy to listen and talk.

But I want to move forward; I just don’t know how or to go to; maybe my brother can help. I was thinking about writing to Kelly who may read these posts but I don’t know if it’s worth it. I am not writing to her on purpose because what’s the point if you send something and you don’t hear back. What if you kept talking to someone for weeks, months, years, etc. and they never replied to you, like in terms of speaking? at some point you give up. I gave up. I want to go back, but I don’t want things to happen all over again, even though that may not be the case.

 

I am afraid of many things. I forget what else there was to be written. Just a lot of people I could be talking to but they just feel so better than me. yes I graduated from UCLA and yes I have steered away from drugs and the wrong crowd, but you must understand that does not mean much because the mindset is a breeding ground for the influence of a given lifestyle.

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