The desire to aspire to the aspect of ourselves we don’t believe we can achieve. Everday we see our failures we judge ourselves limit ourselves. We see the demons inside of us and we submit ourselves to their will despite their raspite despite their utmost control of this distorted reality- its grip hard to slip from it it saves us, our destruction they ensure, their loyality.
What I fear is the joy in what I desire. I am so used to being alone, a failure. I need fears to keep me going to make me feel different and special than you. I need to feel like a freak and establish a sense of superiority, to escape the inferiority I’ve come to know so much, detach myself from in an attempt to live on when I’m just static, sporadic I rather not grow on the inside, but it is time, to go beyond what we reap and what we sow.
In school I hated everyone, felt brushed off and excluded. I have found strength in it now. I hated them- the people that left me, didn’t talk to me even though I myself had a hand in it all, well not all the time but still. I have failed to accept the possibility that everyone will always stay in my life. Like the staff at the gym i must accept the task of seeing people go, to and from from my dark brown eyes into the seas into the bright sunset I can’t see past- the light so strong I stared at it too long, all the faces after, just blurs have you heard what happens when you stare at the brightest star in the galaxy? Soon after its a disaster all the subsequent faces dissappear, haven’t dared to look into a mirror I fear my eyes will vanish before me I banish the perceptablity the possibility that I could connect or relate to anyone let alone be loved by anyone beside my sister and mother oh brother where do i begin do you have any idea what it’s like to try and like everyone but constantly feel void of respect recognition yes I recognize that we all want it but I try to give it and one day it will all come, I hope I will meet her, yet I fear her and would probably never talk to her. She I consider an ideal, a savior that produces only the deepest guilt inside of me I hate this feeling. I don’t get satisfaction i am no longer attracted to all the girls I see, because I feel like they would never like me or love me for who I am or understand me and this is not just the side of me that lacks the aspect to share some of myself maybe all of myself to someone else what will i be once i turn forty perhaps others will think great things about me an come to learn of the psychological nightmares of my everyday life the realness of faces fading away from the basis of living breathing crying on the inside I smile on the outside- the tears I fail to perspire shoot like spray creates a glistening in my face is anyone listening enough to tell me who they are and save me from who I am what I am what i wou,ld like to be that is a failure to me?
The lights are on all the time, even at night, in the morning they’re on in the street at my job at my house at the library. I just want to live in the darkness and not be so ahsmaed of the ugliness the cave I have voluntarily forces myself to ento and resurrect from eventually when? I wait for someone else no longer I am aware that I must be my own Savior and act with Christ, know him. The world before me distorted and alien, ostracizes me these are the vibrations of liars I speak truth to, the causes of pain I try to please, the monsters I tuck in and night and tell stories to wish safety for.
The beauty I release is a face dipped deep inside a bath of battery acid, if it doesn’t make you throw up and squeam it will make you scream drop your keys and run. Satan is gorgeous. The beauty of Christ the battery the blood the pain the suffering that they flourish in, it will come back one day. We will come to know truth once and for all. many things will come to pass, things you thought you could never live without, you will see the beauty of a previously ugly soul. and you will se the gorgeous face of Satan engorged the acid rain he spews will come back at him and away from your eyes.