It’s weird because I am not sure whether I should hate or love my life. I am someone who has it all, relatively speaking, but someone who is in a lot of ways, absolutely nothing.
I carry lists around everywhere, things I haven’t done. Other people- they’re different. They regret things, they get into trouble, they cheat on people, get into accidents, and do people things. I feel like nothing.
People think I am somebody because I moved away for 6 months on my own not knowing anyone. That I got my BA in Sociology at UCLA so I must be better than them, that I am the only one in this district with a black apron. But I don’t care about any of it!
I want my driver’s license, I want to be [one of the] greatest writers of the 21st century, to write books on the human condition, to fall in love and get married one day. That’s really about it- but not really. People we don’t know what we want until it’s gone- we don’t really ‘want.’ We need. The lines get blurred- the lines between desire and need, of fantasy and reality. We are obsessed with power, to claim it. But the more we do the more we remind ourselves how powerless we are. I want to delve deeply into the realm of the human condition, the agony, the brutality, the self-harm, the passion, the dull lifelessness of surrender and apathy. I want to stay alone, but I need someone oddly enough. I am great but oh how I am so weak!
What do you lack? What do you want? Are they not the same things? Not always. I lack imprisonment, but I do not seek it. In those circumstances I am content with my lot.
There’s a good book out there, for boys like me. The Collector by John Fowles. I’ve only allowed myself to look at girls, and I have given up on relationships. And just like the character, he knows he can never love, but tries to. He buys her anything she likes but won’t let her go. He only wants to have her, like a butterfly for his collection. To look at it, squirm at it, covet it, congratulate himself, and ultimately to make her love him, while imprisoned some how.
Its hard for me. I need an imaginary girlfriend, an imaginary car. I need some sort of video game with all these things.