Archive for January, 2018

The Colorless Vehicle

Posted: January 27, 2018 in Uncategorized

Sink or swim,

The waters are dull, gray

What makes it tick,

What makes the sky blue

 

The colorless vehicle,

With vague impulses

All purpose wheels,

Who dances is the mighty

 

A robust refrigerator

Whose inner icicles breathe and spread

Sepulchral pockets of deep freeze,

Silently releasing its cold steam

 

A sinister, chilly shell

Hissing and hiding

Wishing and smighting itself

Within the crawl space

 

Of what use is it to us,

So we seize to inspect, examine

Within its shoulders

A witness to nothing at all

 

Bawling and muted,

It feeds itself,

Feeds on itself,

Patiently waiting for-

 

 

I’m feeling something

Posted: January 21, 2018 in Uncategorized

I’ve been feeling a lot better lately.

 

Lately I’ve just learned that although it is great to focus on one goal at a time, it’s also important to pay attention to other things like your family, and your health as well.

Work is getting to be a lot more cumbersome these days, which is okay. I’m trying to keep up with demand– it isn’t always easy but I think exercising- even just 3 days a week max, is helping me out a lot.

My mind has been all over the place so far this year (and we’re only in January!). But I do feel a bit more at peace. This year’s goals are to apply to graduate school and to have 10K invested/ saved for retirement. I can go on for hours about my portfolio and strategy or whatever, but the point is I just need to have a lot saved initially when I am young because if I do go back to school, there is a good chance I won’t be earning much income, certainly nowhere near as much to invest generously for retirement.

I have to leverage time with money, something I should’ve CLEARLY thought about when I was 19. But anyway, I think there’s a good time for everything. And I think starting as soon as you can, especially if you are in your twenties, is a great idea because you don’t have to catch up so much in your older years. I guess I am just trying to do myself a favor later on.

However, I have learned that there is a certain amount of money that you need to invest, but you also need to have a life. I felt like that has been lacking lately. I have been living a rather dull, colorless life, because all my money (and thus time) has been going to saving. When you decide not to spend a lot of money, you also choose how you spend your time. The past two years have been sort of boring (relatively) speaking but the benefits and end results have been remarkable. But I believe, it’s time to just ease into taking it easy and focusing a lot more on other things in my life, like my relationships, my family, and just studying and reading more.

It is easy to get lost in intentional suffering. Whether you are saving up for school, or are going to school, things can start to feel hopeless. Results take a long time to achieve and you start to see that other aspects of your life are taking a beating because what you are doing now is taking away from all of the other stuff, like traveling, going out, recreation, and other types of activities and expenditures.

But I just wonder. I have way too much clothes. What do I want in life? Stuff? I want stuff, but once I have it, it doesn’t really fulfill me, you know? I like this feeling. I feel content, and truly thankful for what I have in my life, for who I’ve got in my life. God has given me a lot and I am still so young.

They call it a comparison trap for a reason. Think about it. You really DO forget about all the good things in your life when you look at someone else’s life and see how they have it better. Maybe they have a higher net worth, a higher annual income, a nicer physique. Perhaps they are a bit more gregarious than you could really ever be. Maybe they just look so damn happy all the damn time and maybe it bothers you. We could go on for hours, which is actually very sad but also very funny. There are just a multitude of factors- quantitative and qualitative that we could use as modes of comparisons. We all have these like numbers. We give these numbers meaning according to our culture, but things change. Body parts go in and out of fashion like hats and certain types of jeans do. I like having a Social Security number. All Americans get them, but we don’t compare them. I don’t know how they are given out but we don’t compare them. We are just I guess happy to have them. I’ve never seen someone else’s and thought, well their number is small than mine, I”M COOLER. And I like that; more things like that should exist.

 

I gave up social media because you are not required to be honest and transparency has become entirely subjective and selective. I don’t know if I feel comfortable talking to people that are constantly talking about how good their lives are, but have no desire to communicate with me about their pain. That is what friends are for. But since those platforms are comparably much more quantitative, we end up comparing. If we post something negative in a field of positive posts, we may feel vulnerable, exposed, ashamed, and of course weird. We end up going back and deleting what we write and what we feel. Does that cause us to really repress such emotion of fear, sadness, or feelings of inadequacy? And have I run from all of this just by avoiding social media altogether? I honestly don’t care right now.

Apathy could very well be a defensive mechanism, but it’s also extremely liberating. And once the mind if freed from the judgement of others, perhaps one finds it much easier to not judge others. I find it much easier to talk to complete strangers now. I am not talking about APPROACHING THEM IN AN EFFORT TO MAKE FRIENDS (you need social media for that) I just mean when we end up talking it doesn’t feel like a nightmare as much. I love my job. I get to engage in small talk all day. It really helps me in the real world.

I actually have to get going. I am going to work out, and then go to church. Actually, I don’t know if I will have much time. I have an hour and a half. Well if I want to make it on time to any of it, I have to go now. Boo.

 

Time is something I can write about later. But I just love life this weekend. Work will be hectic with all these events and just gosh I can’t wait to go back to YouTube Spaces…