Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Hey world. How er you doin??

 

Okay well, it’s obviously the end of the year now. Currently seated at a secure location. You won’t find me. Nehehehe

 

Well, I guess you can say, my attention span has been reduced by 79% this year. Yours too huh? It’s all this technology! It’s like fucking crack man! I swear, who knows how long I can go constantly on youtube, several financial websites. It’s so enticing!

 

This year has been pretty big for me, to say the least. Many changes have occured. I have met loads of new people this year with my new job. It is exciting but some days tiring. But overall, I won’t complain! I get paid more, I get to work more hours (about 43 a week). I have also learned a lot. Google, for example, 89% of its revenue comes from its advertising structures.

Much has happened, economically, to both myself and this nation at large. The rise of crypto-currency, the up and coming tax bill. Also, I have managed to pay off my student loans this year! +1

I have managed to complete my fully funded emergency fund! +1

I have also saved 5400 in my Roth IRA! I am 27 years old. +1

It has been a good year. This can only all be executed when one takes like one step at a time. My goal for 2018 is to submit my applications for a PhD program in Sociology. It is my ultimate goal to be a Sociology professor. I have been battling with whether or not I should just stay at the job I have now and just struggle my way to whatever the hell it is that this job leads to.

I have a really neat job, though. I am going to stick to it, and I hope to stay here until I start grad school, which, if everything goes well will occur in the Fall of 2019, or in 2 years. And so, I have to budget for the costs of applying for grad school before I can think about funding  PhD program. I have to take things one step at a time. I am very good when I do this. The more you try to do, it only makes sense on paper. In reality, you never get to all of it. If you take life one step at a time, and focus all of your resources on that one goal, you will finish it. And you will get to the next step.

I have been fortunate enough to be blessed by the Lord to seek a better life and be able to find one.

Since about the summer of last year, I had tried to get a career in life insurance sales. I know, what was I thinking?! It’s a scummy industry. I only wanted the passive income, which takes about 5 years to like actually have. But I wouldn’t be me. It would be the ultimate cop out for “security.”

 

The truth is, I feel like I am being called to be a Sociology professor. I feel it’s a part of my anatomy let alone my destiny. I could be wrong, so it’s finally time to actually try and see once and for all. I feel God tells me, to follow my dreams and trust that spectacular things will happen as a result. Fear of freedom will lead only to mediocrity and a life of uncertainty, of thinking one should have done this.

Invest in yourself. Don’t sell yourself short. The world is absurd right now. Think about it. Currency will become like, digital. Maybe one day our entire consciousness will be in a computer while our bodies are frozen. I guess you can say that is what goes on these days, the present days.

I was lucky enough to get this job. In January is when I started to dress fancy so I could be accepted into this whole insurance thing. I really don’t know what I was thinking. Well, as I said before, I wanted the money but I didn’t want to do the work. Your income doesn’t come from a degree, it comes from your job. And so, I know a PhD won’t make me rich. It’s up to me to put myself out there. My goodness, I have changed a lot in the past few years.

Well anyway, I remember earlier this year I would go on the train, every Wednesday to the office in downtown LA, listening to this Kid Cudi Album, or this old B.O.B album from 2010. I remember still paying off my student loans, the very last one actually, starting in January. Almost 100% of my tax refund went to those loans, but it was worth it. It was worth every tummy ache, and worth all those trips in the rain to the bus stop. Wow, that felt so wonderful to write- about all of the sacrifices. Now I know God truly watches us all closely, and gives us what is just. Praise God!

 

In February I finally became debt free. It was fun. I remember in March/ April/ May is when I started reading East of Eden by John Steinbeck. That was so cool, that was this year. It was an amazing book with an incredible plot. I recommend it to anyone. Around this time I also got a root canal, and finally stopped going to the insurance stuff. I don’t know about that place.

I don’t quite remember when I applied to the company I work for now. I know I started the last week of June, possibly the 23rd. Yes, that’s right. So, I must have applied at the end of May. March through May seems like a blur to me. I know I was reading The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, and I had started reading The Brothers Karamazov (didn’t get to finish it). That is when I landed this job.

Literature and music really helped me. God also helped me rather immensely. And of course, I also helped myself.

It was a lot of work, this year. It rained a lot and there was much I could not do. But alas, see how much you can do when you do nothing at all and just focus on the brunt end of the sword. Oh how it dug into my stomach and ached deeply, as I awaited victory. It was horrid, but that part is all over.

I have a Political Philosophy Exam in a couple of days. I came here for a little bit to just study.

I think everyday has been a good day with some hours being very horrible. That is how life feels like. I feel very optimistic, and that optimism has come about by setting realistic, powerful, and valuable goals for myself, and for finally ridding myself of all forms of popular social media.

This year, I have learned many valuable lessons. But I learned that a boy like me, cannot be compared to his peers. It is a matter of apples to oranges, and so I try not to compare myself anymore, to others my age, because it’s practically impossible. We are just so different. But that does not mean I cannot give nor receive love.

I am a lucky boy. I feel loved. Life is hard.

 

I am only a victim of myself. Fear hurts people. It cripples us. But only your own fear will grapple, twist, and slam you onto the coarse pavement of the world. And I know only my own pain will hurt me, at the end of this and everyday. If I want good things to happen, I have to do good things. It is just that simple. If I want a PhD, I have to apply for a PhD program, get accepted, and accept the offer, and work my ass off for probably another decade, living below my means for longer. But allow me to list the years left in my life, assuming I live to 80 years old:

2018, 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022, 2023, 2024, 2025, 2026, 2027, 2028, 2029, 2030, 2031, 2032, 2033, 2034, 2035, 2036, 2037, 2038, 2039, 2040, 2041, 2042, 2043, 2044, 2045, 2046, 2047, 2048, 2049, 2050, 2051, 2052, 2053, 2054, 2055, 2056, 2057, 2058, 2059, 2060, 2061, 2062, 2063, 2064, 2065, 2066, 2067, 2068, 2069, 2070.

That is basically my life in a list. And each year has 12 months, each month has 4 weeks, each week 7 days, and each day 24 hours. It will all go by very very fast. I just know it. But if I take things one step at a time, and one day at a time, I know there is much I can do. It’s true. God is my side if I am on His. The key to success is knowing that in life, you actually have to do stuff. We are so obsessed with results in our culture, but we forget that all the magic comes from the mundane, the long days and the sometimes draining efforts of our days, and our hard work.

I don’t know if I have escaped. I am not so sure, but I do feel free, even with this low ass battery level.

 

Things are looking up. I look up to God and am thankful for all of the changes in my life, both good and “bad.” I think, it’s all good in the end. Praise Jesus.

 

End.

 

 

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Gosh I don’t even know where to start. How we always have to find the problem even, or especially, when there is none. I don’t quite understand. I only understand that I do not understand. And while one can envision a sense of closure and enlightenment, I mean we’re asked to do more than simply lay, stand, or sit (maybe even levitate) in a blissful, satiated state. Passivity, we call it. The consumption of nothing but clear air and an unmistakably imperfect mind and nature, however we can be so forgiving as to awaken into a blank slate.

 

But for what? What is life? Well we know it is but we aren’t sure why. I suppose it’s not required of us to answer, but I think something in us strives to understand. And the hippos and songbirds do not ask such things. It’s like they know what to do and they stick to it. Why bother moving beyond? Well there’s not even a beyond to surpass. There’s simply going about the day. What we see as another person falling by the wayside is like that hippo moving day by day, serenely, immersing itself in the clear but somewhat murky waters below, resting, and leaping out and exercising not the freedom but action to impose its gaping maw to the bright, crystal rays of sunshine. Purpose? There is none but there still is something. Something we take for granted, or often do. It simply exists. Silence. “It.” The thing that is there and I believe we all very much understand. That which, by the plight, fear, and greed of the world sort of distracts us from. I find myself trying to find myself so many days, cycles, and maybe even lifetimes. Trying to get there. But there is no beyond, really. And I know that but part of me doesn’t buy it.

The boy in the dream was me, in the plane’s wooden cabin, lounging with Freud himself, or perhaps it was Weber. And we came to, and we looked out and saw below us grand waterfalls, fountains that did not fall off of high cliffs. And we saw clocks every which way, scattered and seemingly hung over the hard rocks like walls. And we could hear the sentimental ticking, and the sounds of water diving into itself, we could see the glimmering glitter wakes and the elegant foam in the sunlight. All in the airplane.

 

And how in my own waking life, I am the boy in the grassy park, who looks above so often, a witness to the steady, determined wings, the pale belly of the bird that glides through so quickly. And I know the boy in the dream is in there, trying to find me, and how I move around and the red blinking dots on his surreal pocket map, they tend to bounce around and frustrate him And I look up into the deep light blue sky. And I say to myself:

 

“That boy, he is going somewhere, but where? Where is he going?”

and I hear a voice, perhaps God’s, the other boy’s or just something else tell me:

“Forget about where he is going. Where is he now? He is moving. That is where he is, what he is.  He moves, in flight, as motion through the planes of space and time, in his own plane of space and time. Going nowhere but so very THERE, you see?”

 

I just don’t know what to do with all of this. I just hope you can understand.

 

I. I AM. YOU CAN FIND ME. I AM AT AND BEYOND WHERE YOU ARE.

MLeh!

Posted: December 14, 2015 in Uncategorized

It’s weird because I am not sure whether I should hate or love my life. I am someone who has it all, relatively speaking, but someone who is in a lot of ways, absolutely nothing.

 

I carry lists around everywhere, things I haven’t done. Other people- they’re different. They regret things, they get into trouble, they cheat on people, get into accidents, and do people things. I feel like nothing.

 

People think I am somebody because I moved away for 6 months on my own not knowing anyone. That I got my BA in Sociology at UCLA so I must be better than them, that I am the only one in this district with a black apron. But I don’t care about any of it!

 

I want my driver’s license, I want to be [one of the] greatest writers of the 21st century, to write books on the human condition, to fall in love and get married one day. That’s really about it- but not really. People we don’t know what we want until it’s gone- we don’t really ‘want.’ We need. The lines get blurred- the lines between desire and need, of fantasy and reality. We are obsessed with power, to claim it. But the more we do the more we remind ourselves how powerless we are. I want to delve deeply into the realm of the human condition, the agony, the brutality, the self-harm, the passion, the dull lifelessness of surrender and apathy. I want to stay alone, but I need someone oddly enough. I am great but oh how I am so weak!

 

 

What do you lack? What do you want? Are they not the same things? Not always. I lack imprisonment, but I do not seek it. In those circumstances I am content with my lot.

 

There’s a good book out there, for boys like me. The Collector by John Fowles. I’ve only allowed myself to look at girls, and I have given up on relationships. And just like the character, he knows he can never love, but tries to. He buys her anything she likes but won’t let her go. He only wants to have her, like a butterfly for his collection. To look at it, squirm at it, covet it, congratulate himself, and ultimately to make her love him, while imprisoned some how.

 

Its hard for me. I need an imaginary girlfriend, an imaginary car. I need some sort of video game with all these things.

first mobile phone post

Posted: July 25, 2015 in Uncategorized

I am writing this on my phone cuz the library is closed and tomorrow as well. I don’t have a laptop because I figure it would take over my life but my phone is now. It’s because u can listen to music on it and communicate with others on it. Back then u could only text call play snake or use the alarm function. Everything changed what n phones turned into computers. They’re not telephones anymore, they’re just small laptops now really. You still multitask and pretty much transplant your reality into your phone now. It’s kinda scary. Online shopping, banking, messaging, entertainment, emails, job searches, using it at night and in the morning, before and after work. Everyone is on their cell phone nowadays, its like a watch, but it takes your mind off reality that u can’t control and sublimates it into a material reality u can control profusely except… It controls you more. Were realm dependent on our phones. Thanks

It’s All Quite Interesting

Posted: June 20, 2015 in Uncategorized

Life. Earth. The Universe. Humans.

I was watching Wall-E with my niece and nephew today. It was awesome. It, and everything else I look at it seems, made me think of the future. I don’t know if very many of us think of or postulate the future very much, but I do. I think about who we were, who we are, and where we are going. I think of both biological/ genetic infrastructures and networks, as well as the social infrastructures that regenerate, reproduce, and form networks in perhaps a similar fashion.

In the future, we will go through climate change, like remember the Pleistocene Age? That wiped out a lot of species; and it also allowed us to be superior primates and mammals, allowing us to eventually forage for food and settle into complex villages whereby we could sustain ourselves using the domestication of wild plants and animals, hence agriculture and the advent of civilization- and the economic, religious, and legislative institutions that help guide, shift, and preserve it all. Chieftains of nomadic tribes, through social evolution, became settled as kings that directed or set up regulation of water- an extremely valuable resource for life.

I am interested in tracing the course of our biological evolutionary history- along with our own social evolution, from food foraging, to tribalism, to feudalism, and then capitalism. I don’t really want to enter the world or realm of computers, but sure why not. People are computers because they are made of up, self-replicating devices known as DNA, and the proteins that carry instructions to build, repair, and move all of this information through our bodies. These inscribed codes are similarly found in computers, whose codes and algorithms instruct physical hardware and command this hardware to make things move. DNA is awesome, it’s like a software program, with it’s own history and changes under environmental pressures.

I studied Sociology in school. People argued nature versus, nurture. Both and neither are true. The idea and structures of nature are socially constructed. And our social constructions of nature, are depended on molecular energy needed to feed our minds to come up and argue with such concepts. Having said this, DNA and life have a mind of their own. They use humans, snails, ants, etc. as vessels and vassals for a sustainable existence. In the future DNA will have fused with computer hardware- designed by the men and women that are occupied, and form self-replicating institutions and realities by which they can one day move from planet to planet, to different galaxies where they can better adapt to their given environment. The economic enterprise Capitalism- through its own social errors, thrives on overproduction and exploitation of resources- from titanium, copper, to water, timber and human labor. Naturally, a system that functions in this will not be very helpful to the biosphere in which we occupy. We will become more efficient and taking smaller and smaller pieces of matter and making them go a long way.

If we don’t transport life to another planet, a new economic system will emerge. This is what i am interested in. What kind of economy, and therefore what kind of human society will merge? The economy is one of many social institutions that govern, regulate, and mobilize the homo sapien species in a post-civilized and agrarian-industrialized biosphere. Mainly the basic and fundamental institutions in the human model are the Economy, the Government, the Military, and perhaps Education. They follow the biological or cellular model that causes genetic replication, but on the more socio-historical and infrastructural level. For example, the typical cell is made up of organelles that function to help a cell eat, breathe, store waste, and reproduce itself through instruction. Different organisms must eat, compete, and acquire biological traits that help it survive and reproduce on planet Earth. Social institutions are then vessels by which these simple organisms actualize their goals, through domination of the entire planet through culture. Society has parts like cells do. Education through socialization, much as different transcribing forms of RNA function to direct and instruct many parts of a cell. Economy on a cellular level means eating, and gathering and processing nutrients and the helpful proteins, lipids, and sugars that help it perform functions. The military is an important and relevant institution and requisite in life forms because it assumes competition using an array of “weaponry,” such as mandibles, sharp teeth or claws, the ability to camouflage and hunt during the night time and day time, for an increased proportion or expansion of diet. The sociohistorical military offers tools and innovations that help different humans compete for both material and social resources for power, wealth, and social prestige- such behaviors can also be found in other primates, and to a certain extent in ants. Ants have a history of enslavement, or capturing labor and utilizing it to perform functions for the queen of a different colony. Anyway, it’s all connected- the different institutions correspond with the different organelles and perhaps molecular structures- and each institution is connected to another.

I want to somehow start a larger field of synthesis with these two concepts of Sociology and Biology, in order to get a better sense of how to direct or manage social systems and structures that they yield or perform in a way not contrary to nature on the cellular level, but to use biological principles in a more magnificent sense, because the current economic system may run counter to the operations of Biosphere Planet Earth.

I heard socialism will take its place, but this is highly unlikely. Any system will persist, as long as it manages to motivate everyone to survive and reproduce. Capitalism is different because on the agricultural level, it seizes and manipulates structures on the genetic level to meet different profit margins, and patents these processes for considerable profits and capital. So, I am predicting somewhere along the way, after droughts, warfare, famine, and poltical dissaray, will emerge a new economic system. I am not promoting or endorsing socialism as the new system, nor am I trying to impede anyones quest for power and wealth. Throughout human histories, hierarchies have been in place in order to efficiently build, forage, and internally produce goods that sustain the system as a whole. There will be no egalitarian society- at least not in teh near future. Different hierarchies of wealth and power will persist, it is only a question to whether or not they will continue the tradition of a WASP sort of control, as seen in the Middle Ages, the Roman Empire, the British Empire, and the absolute economic, political, and miltaristic domination of the US.

Anyway, I want to figure out what that system is, because it will be up for grabs by people one day. Someone will benefit from it and they might want to know how to construct it and engineer it for when the time comes. Once I have this knowledge, I may use it to buy some form of airplane to travel because as for now I am economically depending on the economic system and those who control the capital- the large banks of the modern day world.

Yes, it’s all very interesting.

Moving

Posted: April 8, 2015 in Uncategorized

Hey,

So i have had this blog for pretty much 7 years now. Isn’t that awesome? Well, I will be moving away next week, even though I really haven’t been writing here since I used to, which was probably not since 2011 or so. I have to write in here sometimes though. Not gonna tell you where I am going, but I found a job over there so I am not very worried… at least in terms of surviving in a non-emotional sort of way.

Anyway, I am going to be doing some sort of investigative, independent studies course I have designed for myself. Education doesn’t always involve a classroom, auditorium lecture, or series of standardized exams. And so, I am going to be doing a lot of talking, and hopefully hitting up the university of where I am going and hopefully talking to people. It is sort of weird, but I know it will be a good experience. See, this is so personal but whatever. My whole life I basically have been scared and ashamed for no real reason. I was never abused or truly bullied or anything. Through certain experience I concluded that no one really like me. Of course, I see that differently now, but to a certain extent this worldview persists.

Anyway, basically I have developed some sort of course I am calling Human Systems. Although it does leave a lot out, I am trying as best as I can to cover broad topics for starters, and also, read stuff I am actually interested in as well. Stuff like Economy and religion I sort of don’t want to delve into right now, at least not in a highly detailed fashion. So, in a sense it’s sort of like a big as Sociology re-majoring on my terms.

I have divided a huge amount of books to read into subsections or Learning Blocks, and the last book is a pre-selected text hat is somewhat related to the topics/ overall underlying themes of the previous books. It’s like- for every learning block you learn theories or ideas, and then on the final book for that section, you try to relate or apply the fundamental building blocks to this topic in a very harrowing, scholarly, and creative way. Mind if I share my texts with you? Also, you can always reach out to me if you want to be a part of this class. I figure I need to keep reading or else I will fall off track. It is a lot of reading, maybe 25 books? Not Goosebumps books or Penguin Classics kid books. I am talking about pretty dense and dry academic material here. So it may take a year or two. But thankfully, divi’ng the material into blocks allows for concise, block-by-block learning at a self-regulated pace. One where perhaps understanding the material will be more important than completing it I am sure. Hopefully it turns out well.

So the place I am working at is a Drive Thru SBX, the second busiest in the State I am going to, which is pretty awesome. The thing about being busy is that sure it’s busy but 8 hours is still 8 hours. I just don’t want this job to interfere with my education. Anyway, back in college I didn’t really have a job, and now that I have been working here for almost 3 years, I haven’t really been in school. But learning doesn’t stop when you get older; at least in shouldn’t. You don’t just go to school for 20 years and then one day graduate and never touch a book, or new idea again. Of course not! Learning is a part of life, it’s a part of being human. Sharks don’t really get a chance to learn, so in a way, we are really lucky. I want to understand humans more, kind of like if they were machines sort of.


Here is my self-guided course:

Learning Block 1: Human Systems Overview- Theoretical/ Historical Foundations

Book 1: The Human Use of Human Beings by Norbert Wiener

Book 2: The Power Elite by C. Wright Mills

Book 3: General Economic History by Max Weber

Book 4: The Social System by Talcott Parsons

Applied Texts: Feudal Society Vol I, Vol II by Marc Bloch; Technology and Society by Deborah Johnson

Learning Block 2: Human Emotional Systems: Affect Theory/ The Affect System

Book 1: Shame and Its Sisters: A Silvan Tomkins Reader by Eve Sedgewick

Book 2: Shame and Pride by Donald Nathanson

Book 3: The Affect Theory Reader

Book 4: Emotions Revealed by Paul Ekman

Applied Text: Building Confidence (self-help) by Barrie Davenport

Learning Block 3: Sex, Gender and Socio-Political/ Reproductive Processes

Book 1: The Naked Woman by Desmond Morris

Book 2: The Naked Male by Desmond Morris

Book 3: How We Do It: The Evolution and Future of Human Reproduction

Book 4: The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan

Applied Text: Flirting with Danger: Young Women’s Reflections on Sexuality and Dominations

Learning Block 4: Human Origins, and The Future of Humanity

Book 1: Masters of the Planet by Ian Tattersall

Book 2: Origin of Species by Charles Darwin

Book 3: The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins

Book 4: The Naked Ape by Desmond Morris


I may end up adding another learning block, but for now this is good for me. Learning Block 4 I may not be interested in, given the anthropological, zoological, and historical artifacts that sort of take up the whole block, combined with the starkly contrasted Applied Text. I may just have no Applied Reading for that Block, and just have it be some sort of Natural Science/ Historical Narrative of Man. It just seems like something different than a Social Science to me, but I don’t want to completely ignore it since its implications for modern day humankind are tremendous, not to mention it will give a huge amount of insight to not only the subsequent readings. I just don’t know whether I should save that for last or have it become the second learning block, and move everything else after that down a notch, sequentially speaking. Yeah, I will just switch the learning blocks a little but, and have two applied text for the first learning block.

Let me know what you think.

Okay…

Posted: February 2, 2015 in Uncategorized

So, I don’t write too often in here, because I either write it all down in my journal or internalize eevrything because I have a hard time “opening up” about things large and small. But lately I have been feeling lame because of my new store. It’s always fun teh first week, when no one really knows each other and everyones scared and making a positive first impression and it is easy. But now, I know which people are which, and unfortunately one of my shifts and my boss SUCK ASS, and I don’t like working with them. I don’t want to say they RUINED MY LIFE, but they are making it really lame and make me feel powerless or inferior. They both are sort of the same, very rude, and aggressive, all in the name of defending their own dark and disturbed sense of honor. Perhaps a sense of shame from the earlier part of their lives, interacting with mine, perhaps all parties masking their realities with a skewed sense of power and control.

Administratively speaking, they are good at what they do, but it is a sharp imbalance: when they work with actual human beings, it seems as though their darker more scornful side comes out. I don’t think they know how to MOTIVATE people with anything besides FEAR. That says a lot about how THEY may have been motivated their whole lives. When your leaders motivate through intimidation, they lose their follower’s respect, and gain their souls. It is a sharp option, but it is not the only option. God does not motivate with fear, but he does so with love, and joy, reaching a goal, looking back and feeling happy. The way people try to have others believe is by scaring them to death with a lake of fire. But really, getting someone to beileve in what you believe in is hit or miss, and that is where I am now. I don’t like my job, but I asked to work at this new store, am going to be a COFFEE MASTER. I don’t want to hurt my boss’s boss feelings, but I want to get a car, and get the fuck out of here, mayeb drive all the way to the South, or Portland where it’s quiet and where people aren’t such JACKASSES, void of respect, and empathy.

Smell ya later, I have to go do my taxes with someone.