Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Gosh I don’t even know where to start. How we always have to find the problem even, or especially, when there is none. I don’t quite understand. I only understand that I do not understand. And while one can envision a sense of closure and enlightenment, I mean we’re asked to do more than simply lay, stand, or sit (maybe even levitate) in a blissful, satiated state. Passivity, we call it. The consumption of nothing but clear air and an unmistakably imperfect mind and nature, however we can be so forgiving as to awaken into a blank slate.

 

But for what? What is life? Well we know it is but we aren’t sure why. I suppose it’s not required of us to answer, but I think something in us strives to understand. And the hippos and songbirds do not ask such things. It’s like they know what to do and they stick to it. Why bother moving beyond? Well there’s not even a beyond to surpass. There’s simply going about the day. What we see as another person falling by the wayside is like that hippo moving day by day, serenely, immersing itself in the clear but somewhat murky waters below, resting, and leaping out and exercising not the freedom but action to impose its gaping maw to the bright, crystal rays of sunshine. Purpose? There is none but there still is something. Something we take for granted, or often do. It simply exists. Silence. “It.” The thing that is there and I believe we all very much understand. That which, by the plight, fear, and greed of the world sort of distracts us from. I find myself trying to find myself so many days, cycles, and maybe even lifetimes. Trying to get there. But there is no beyond, really. And I know that but part of me doesn’t buy it.

The boy in the dream was me, in the plane’s wooden cabin, lounging with Freud himself, or perhaps it was Weber. And we came to, and we looked out and saw below us grand waterfalls, fountains that did not fall off of high cliffs. And we saw clocks every which way, scattered and seemingly hung over the hard rocks like walls. And we could hear the sentimental ticking, and the sounds of water diving into itself, we could see the glimmering glitter wakes and the elegant foam in the sunlight. All in the airplane.

 

And how in my own waking life, I am the boy in the grassy park, who looks above so often, a witness to the steady, determined wings, the pale belly of the bird that glides through so quickly. And I know the boy in the dream is in there, trying to find me, and how I move around and the red blinking dots on his surreal pocket map, they tend to bounce around and frustrate him And I look up into the deep light blue sky. And I say to myself:

 

“That boy, he is going somewhere, but where? Where is he going?”

and I hear a voice, perhaps God’s, the other boy’s or just something else tell me:

“Forget about where he is going. Where is he now? He is moving. That is where he is, what he is.  He moves, in flight, as motion through the planes of space and time, in his own plane of space and time. Going nowhere but so very THERE, you see?”

 

I just don’t know what to do with all of this. I just hope you can understand.

 

I. I AM. YOU CAN FIND ME. I AM AT AND BEYOND WHERE YOU ARE.

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MLeh!

Posted: December 14, 2015 in Uncategorized

It’s weird because I am not sure whether I should hate or love my life. I am someone who has it all, relatively speaking, but someone who is in a lot of ways, absolutely nothing.

 

I carry lists around everywhere, things I haven’t done. Other people- they’re different. They regret things, they get into trouble, they cheat on people, get into accidents, and do people things. I feel like nothing.

 

People think I am somebody because I moved away for 6 months on my own not knowing anyone. That I got my BA in Sociology at UCLA so I must be better than them, that I am the only one in this district with a black apron. But I don’t care about any of it!

 

I want my driver’s license, I want to be [one of the] greatest writers of the 21st century, to write books on the human condition, to fall in love and get married one day. That’s really about it- but not really. People we don’t know what we want until it’s gone- we don’t really ‘want.’ We need. The lines get blurred- the lines between desire and need, of fantasy and reality. We are obsessed with power, to claim it. But the more we do the more we remind ourselves how powerless we are. I want to delve deeply into the realm of the human condition, the agony, the brutality, the self-harm, the passion, the dull lifelessness of surrender and apathy. I want to stay alone, but I need someone oddly enough. I am great but oh how I am so weak!

 

 

What do you lack? What do you want? Are they not the same things? Not always. I lack imprisonment, but I do not seek it. In those circumstances I am content with my lot.

 

There’s a good book out there, for boys like me. The Collector by John Fowles. I’ve only allowed myself to look at girls, and I have given up on relationships. And just like the character, he knows he can never love, but tries to. He buys her anything she likes but won’t let her go. He only wants to have her, like a butterfly for his collection. To look at it, squirm at it, covet it, congratulate himself, and ultimately to make her love him, while imprisoned some how.

 

Its hard for me. I need an imaginary girlfriend, an imaginary car. I need some sort of video game with all these things.

first mobile phone post

Posted: July 25, 2015 in Uncategorized

I am writing this on my phone cuz the library is closed and tomorrow as well. I don’t have a laptop because I figure it would take over my life but my phone is now. It’s because u can listen to music on it and communicate with others on it. Back then u could only text call play snake or use the alarm function. Everything changed what n phones turned into computers. They’re not telephones anymore, they’re just small laptops now really. You still multitask and pretty much transplant your reality into your phone now. It’s kinda scary. Online shopping, banking, messaging, entertainment, emails, job searches, using it at night and in the morning, before and after work. Everyone is on their cell phone nowadays, its like a watch, but it takes your mind off reality that u can’t control and sublimates it into a material reality u can control profusely except… It controls you more. Were realm dependent on our phones. Thanks

It’s All Quite Interesting

Posted: June 20, 2015 in Uncategorized

Life. Earth. The Universe. Humans.

I was watching Wall-E with my niece and nephew today. It was awesome. It, and everything else I look at it seems, made me think of the future. I don’t know if very many of us think of or postulate the future very much, but I do. I think about who we were, who we are, and where we are going. I think of both biological/ genetic infrastructures and networks, as well as the social infrastructures that regenerate, reproduce, and form networks in perhaps a similar fashion.

In the future, we will go through climate change, like remember the Pleistocene Age? That wiped out a lot of species; and it also allowed us to be superior primates and mammals, allowing us to eventually forage for food and settle into complex villages whereby we could sustain ourselves using the domestication of wild plants and animals, hence agriculture and the advent of civilization- and the economic, religious, and legislative institutions that help guide, shift, and preserve it all. Chieftains of nomadic tribes, through social evolution, became settled as kings that directed or set up regulation of water- an extremely valuable resource for life.

I am interested in tracing the course of our biological evolutionary history- along with our own social evolution, from food foraging, to tribalism, to feudalism, and then capitalism. I don’t really want to enter the world or realm of computers, but sure why not. People are computers because they are made of up, self-replicating devices known as DNA, and the proteins that carry instructions to build, repair, and move all of this information through our bodies. These inscribed codes are similarly found in computers, whose codes and algorithms instruct physical hardware and command this hardware to make things move. DNA is awesome, it’s like a software program, with it’s own history and changes under environmental pressures.

I studied Sociology in school. People argued nature versus, nurture. Both and neither are true. The idea and structures of nature are socially constructed. And our social constructions of nature, are depended on molecular energy needed to feed our minds to come up and argue with such concepts. Having said this, DNA and life have a mind of their own. They use humans, snails, ants, etc. as vessels and vassals for a sustainable existence. In the future DNA will have fused with computer hardware- designed by the men and women that are occupied, and form self-replicating institutions and realities by which they can one day move from planet to planet, to different galaxies where they can better adapt to their given environment. The economic enterprise Capitalism- through its own social errors, thrives on overproduction and exploitation of resources- from titanium, copper, to water, timber and human labor. Naturally, a system that functions in this will not be very helpful to the biosphere in which we occupy. We will become more efficient and taking smaller and smaller pieces of matter and making them go a long way.

If we don’t transport life to another planet, a new economic system will emerge. This is what i am interested in. What kind of economy, and therefore what kind of human society will merge? The economy is one of many social institutions that govern, regulate, and mobilize the homo sapien species in a post-civilized and agrarian-industrialized biosphere. Mainly the basic and fundamental institutions in the human model are the Economy, the Government, the Military, and perhaps Education. They follow the biological or cellular model that causes genetic replication, but on the more socio-historical and infrastructural level. For example, the typical cell is made up of organelles that function to help a cell eat, breathe, store waste, and reproduce itself through instruction. Different organisms must eat, compete, and acquire biological traits that help it survive and reproduce on planet Earth. Social institutions are then vessels by which these simple organisms actualize their goals, through domination of the entire planet through culture. Society has parts like cells do. Education through socialization, much as different transcribing forms of RNA function to direct and instruct many parts of a cell. Economy on a cellular level means eating, and gathering and processing nutrients and the helpful proteins, lipids, and sugars that help it perform functions. The military is an important and relevant institution and requisite in life forms because it assumes competition using an array of “weaponry,” such as mandibles, sharp teeth or claws, the ability to camouflage and hunt during the night time and day time, for an increased proportion or expansion of diet. The sociohistorical military offers tools and innovations that help different humans compete for both material and social resources for power, wealth, and social prestige- such behaviors can also be found in other primates, and to a certain extent in ants. Ants have a history of enslavement, or capturing labor and utilizing it to perform functions for the queen of a different colony. Anyway, it’s all connected- the different institutions correspond with the different organelles and perhaps molecular structures- and each institution is connected to another.

I want to somehow start a larger field of synthesis with these two concepts of Sociology and Biology, in order to get a better sense of how to direct or manage social systems and structures that they yield or perform in a way not contrary to nature on the cellular level, but to use biological principles in a more magnificent sense, because the current economic system may run counter to the operations of Biosphere Planet Earth.

I heard socialism will take its place, but this is highly unlikely. Any system will persist, as long as it manages to motivate everyone to survive and reproduce. Capitalism is different because on the agricultural level, it seizes and manipulates structures on the genetic level to meet different profit margins, and patents these processes for considerable profits and capital. So, I am predicting somewhere along the way, after droughts, warfare, famine, and poltical dissaray, will emerge a new economic system. I am not promoting or endorsing socialism as the new system, nor am I trying to impede anyones quest for power and wealth. Throughout human histories, hierarchies have been in place in order to efficiently build, forage, and internally produce goods that sustain the system as a whole. There will be no egalitarian society- at least not in teh near future. Different hierarchies of wealth and power will persist, it is only a question to whether or not they will continue the tradition of a WASP sort of control, as seen in the Middle Ages, the Roman Empire, the British Empire, and the absolute economic, political, and miltaristic domination of the US.

Anyway, I want to figure out what that system is, because it will be up for grabs by people one day. Someone will benefit from it and they might want to know how to construct it and engineer it for when the time comes. Once I have this knowledge, I may use it to buy some form of airplane to travel because as for now I am economically depending on the economic system and those who control the capital- the large banks of the modern day world.

Yes, it’s all very interesting.

Moving

Posted: April 8, 2015 in Uncategorized

Hey,

So i have had this blog for pretty much 7 years now. Isn’t that awesome? Well, I will be moving away next week, even though I really haven’t been writing here since I used to, which was probably not since 2011 or so. I have to write in here sometimes though. Not gonna tell you where I am going, but I found a job over there so I am not very worried… at least in terms of surviving in a non-emotional sort of way.

Anyway, I am going to be doing some sort of investigative, independent studies course I have designed for myself. Education doesn’t always involve a classroom, auditorium lecture, or series of standardized exams. And so, I am going to be doing a lot of talking, and hopefully hitting up the university of where I am going and hopefully talking to people. It is sort of weird, but I know it will be a good experience. See, this is so personal but whatever. My whole life I basically have been scared and ashamed for no real reason. I was never abused or truly bullied or anything. Through certain experience I concluded that no one really like me. Of course, I see that differently now, but to a certain extent this worldview persists.

Anyway, basically I have developed some sort of course I am calling Human Systems. Although it does leave a lot out, I am trying as best as I can to cover broad topics for starters, and also, read stuff I am actually interested in as well. Stuff like Economy and religion I sort of don’t want to delve into right now, at least not in a highly detailed fashion. So, in a sense it’s sort of like a big as Sociology re-majoring on my terms.

I have divided a huge amount of books to read into subsections or Learning Blocks, and the last book is a pre-selected text hat is somewhat related to the topics/ overall underlying themes of the previous books. It’s like- for every learning block you learn theories or ideas, and then on the final book for that section, you try to relate or apply the fundamental building blocks to this topic in a very harrowing, scholarly, and creative way. Mind if I share my texts with you? Also, you can always reach out to me if you want to be a part of this class. I figure I need to keep reading or else I will fall off track. It is a lot of reading, maybe 25 books? Not Goosebumps books or Penguin Classics kid books. I am talking about pretty dense and dry academic material here. So it may take a year or two. But thankfully, divi’ng the material into blocks allows for concise, block-by-block learning at a self-regulated pace. One where perhaps understanding the material will be more important than completing it I am sure. Hopefully it turns out well.

So the place I am working at is a Drive Thru SBX, the second busiest in the State I am going to, which is pretty awesome. The thing about being busy is that sure it’s busy but 8 hours is still 8 hours. I just don’t want this job to interfere with my education. Anyway, back in college I didn’t really have a job, and now that I have been working here for almost 3 years, I haven’t really been in school. But learning doesn’t stop when you get older; at least in shouldn’t. You don’t just go to school for 20 years and then one day graduate and never touch a book, or new idea again. Of course not! Learning is a part of life, it’s a part of being human. Sharks don’t really get a chance to learn, so in a way, we are really lucky. I want to understand humans more, kind of like if they were machines sort of.


Here is my self-guided course:

Learning Block 1: Human Systems Overview- Theoretical/ Historical Foundations

Book 1: The Human Use of Human Beings by Norbert Wiener

Book 2: The Power Elite by C. Wright Mills

Book 3: General Economic History by Max Weber

Book 4: The Social System by Talcott Parsons

Applied Texts: Feudal Society Vol I, Vol II by Marc Bloch; Technology and Society by Deborah Johnson

Learning Block 2: Human Emotional Systems: Affect Theory/ The Affect System

Book 1: Shame and Its Sisters: A Silvan Tomkins Reader by Eve Sedgewick

Book 2: Shame and Pride by Donald Nathanson

Book 3: The Affect Theory Reader

Book 4: Emotions Revealed by Paul Ekman

Applied Text: Building Confidence (self-help) by Barrie Davenport

Learning Block 3: Sex, Gender and Socio-Political/ Reproductive Processes

Book 1: The Naked Woman by Desmond Morris

Book 2: The Naked Male by Desmond Morris

Book 3: How We Do It: The Evolution and Future of Human Reproduction

Book 4: The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan

Applied Text: Flirting with Danger: Young Women’s Reflections on Sexuality and Dominations

Learning Block 4: Human Origins, and The Future of Humanity

Book 1: Masters of the Planet by Ian Tattersall

Book 2: Origin of Species by Charles Darwin

Book 3: The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins

Book 4: The Naked Ape by Desmond Morris


I may end up adding another learning block, but for now this is good for me. Learning Block 4 I may not be interested in, given the anthropological, zoological, and historical artifacts that sort of take up the whole block, combined with the starkly contrasted Applied Text. I may just have no Applied Reading for that Block, and just have it be some sort of Natural Science/ Historical Narrative of Man. It just seems like something different than a Social Science to me, but I don’t want to completely ignore it since its implications for modern day humankind are tremendous, not to mention it will give a huge amount of insight to not only the subsequent readings. I just don’t know whether I should save that for last or have it become the second learning block, and move everything else after that down a notch, sequentially speaking. Yeah, I will just switch the learning blocks a little but, and have two applied text for the first learning block.

Let me know what you think.

Okay…

Posted: February 2, 2015 in Uncategorized

So, I don’t write too often in here, because I either write it all down in my journal or internalize eevrything because I have a hard time “opening up” about things large and small. But lately I have been feeling lame because of my new store. It’s always fun teh first week, when no one really knows each other and everyones scared and making a positive first impression and it is easy. But now, I know which people are which, and unfortunately one of my shifts and my boss SUCK ASS, and I don’t like working with them. I don’t want to say they RUINED MY LIFE, but they are making it really lame and make me feel powerless or inferior. They both are sort of the same, very rude, and aggressive, all in the name of defending their own dark and disturbed sense of honor. Perhaps a sense of shame from the earlier part of their lives, interacting with mine, perhaps all parties masking their realities with a skewed sense of power and control.

Administratively speaking, they are good at what they do, but it is a sharp imbalance: when they work with actual human beings, it seems as though their darker more scornful side comes out. I don’t think they know how to MOTIVATE people with anything besides FEAR. That says a lot about how THEY may have been motivated their whole lives. When your leaders motivate through intimidation, they lose their follower’s respect, and gain their souls. It is a sharp option, but it is not the only option. God does not motivate with fear, but he does so with love, and joy, reaching a goal, looking back and feeling happy. The way people try to have others believe is by scaring them to death with a lake of fire. But really, getting someone to beileve in what you believe in is hit or miss, and that is where I am now. I don’t like my job, but I asked to work at this new store, am going to be a COFFEE MASTER. I don’t want to hurt my boss’s boss feelings, but I want to get a car, and get the fuck out of here, mayeb drive all the way to the South, or Portland where it’s quiet and where people aren’t such JACKASSES, void of respect, and empathy.

Smell ya later, I have to go do my taxes with someone.

Law of Attraction Project

Posted: October 7, 2014 in Uncategorized

Pretty much about 5 years ago I learned of the law of attraction, and how you can use “The Secret” of it to get whatever your heart desires, provided your heart truly desires it, with absolutely no second thoughts, cold feet, or ounce of doubt in your soul, in your bones.

And so, I have a dream, a goal, a wish, and will proceed to not waste anymore time and get straight to that. I want to be successful on the side, perhaps instead of any and all jobs I may encounter through these ventures of working for someone else in America. My goal, my wish is to start an extremely successful blog that will attract entrepreneurs, celebrities, wealthy businessmen and women to participate in the work I do, primarily in my blog and creative process- mainly my content or the results of my progress and work.

My blog will be about different careers in the current field of the modern economy and society: they can range anywhere from highly desired and competitive careers such as being a baker, lawyer, music producer, to something less competitive or extremely lucrative to dentistry, human resource management, real estate agent. I will not focus on careers perceived just as the ideal career that we all read about in elementary school. What I most desire is to talk to people of all kinds of jobs and careers and find out what they have loved, hated, and learned through their work; what they have been passionate about their jobs and what everyone who wants this job needs to know about the more emotional or personal side, and not just the amount of hours and money one gets paid. My reason for making this blog/ miniature career is so that:

– I can live my passion about learning about the careers that help the world go around and around everyday, because jobs stimulate the economy and give people a sense of self-worth when it comes to making a difference in the world they live in, and trying to chase the American dream or ideal and achieving success.

-Others will absorb and consume more knowledge when it comes to different careers they may want to pursue. This can be anyone from an elementary school student who wonders what it is like or required to become an astronaut; a high school students that wants to learn what college programs will help them become an investment banker or lawyer; or just a curious person my age who does not yet have their dream-career but would like to know what steps to take to get there, and the challenges and rewards they may encounter on the way there or once they are settled into this career.

What I have experienced in life, through asking questions and listening, is that some people like making lots and lots of money, but at their job they lack a certain amount of emotional fulfillment. These people have told me that what they like about their job is that they have the money to pay their bills and take care of their families, but nothing about the actual practice or experience while at work. When it comes to what they DO NOT like, they manage to come up with a lot more content. Although I need not have an opinion when it comes to these types of careers, a large part of me would like to see people from all walks of life- regardless of age, religion, ethnic background, income- to find fulfillment in what they do and celebrate going to work and taking pride in what they do. Of course, we will all experience and dissatisfaction in our careers or jobs one day, or maybe for a long week, but I hope that these are just small occurrences that may not drive the person to drown their work sorrows with alcohol, food, or other types of abusable substances. My dream, not just for me, is that everyone appreciate what they’re doing and fit into their work perfectly. Of course perfection is not possible, but I believe a strong sense of confidence and stability in one’s work is very possible, given these people have the means and channels to successfully enter a workforce that places them where their personality and work ethic correspond. Wouldn’t you want your chef, bank teller, barista, bus driver, dentist, to actually enjoy and be skilled at his or her job? The positive energy and fulfillment of one member of society can better dissipate when very few people abhor their jobs and envy the ones that are doing what they are happy doing. We can all benefit from a more emotionally stable and healthy society where most workers enjoy where they are and can easily navigate to a realistic career that suits their skills, needs, work ethic, and personalities.

Thanks for reading this; I’ll write on my next post what will help me get there, but for now I am putting my desires out there in the universe and hopefully the same energy will come back and I could start something. My end goals is to establish a website or platform where anyone could type in a type of career, see an interview or a short paragraph about the steps a worker had to take to get his or her career, the job description itself (more detailed in terms of experience than mere statistics). And lastly, a short video or interview where once can witness the day in the life of that which they would like to become. I hope this does help people out, and I would love it to be successful from giving back to the community.

Thanks for reading,

John