Posted: April 8, 2015 in Uncategorized


So i have had this blog for pretty much 7 years now. Isn’t that awesome? Well, I will be moving away next week, even though I really haven’t been writing here since I used to, which was probably not since 2011 or so. I have to write in here sometimes though. Not gonna tell you where I am going, but I found a job over there so I am not very worried… at least in terms of surviving in a non-emotional sort of way.

Anyway, I am going to be doing some sort of investigative, independent studies course I have designed for myself. Education doesn’t always involve a classroom, auditorium lecture, or series of standardized exams. And so, I am going to be doing a lot of talking, and hopefully hitting up the university of where I am going and hopefully talking to people. It is sort of weird, but I know it will be a good experience. See, this is so personal but whatever. My whole life I basically have been scared and ashamed for no real reason. I was never abused or truly bullied or anything. Through certain experience I concluded that no one really like me. Of course, I see that differently now, but to a certain extent this worldview persists.

Anyway, basically I have developed some sort of course I am calling Human Systems. Although it does leave a lot out, I am trying as best as I can to cover broad topics for starters, and also, read stuff I am actually interested in as well. Stuff like Economy and religion I sort of don’t want to delve into right now, at least not in a highly detailed fashion. So, in a sense it’s sort of like a big as Sociology re-majoring on my terms.

I have divided a huge amount of books to read into subsections or Learning Blocks, and the last book is a pre-selected text hat is somewhat related to the topics/ overall underlying themes of the previous books. It’s like- for every learning block you learn theories or ideas, and then on the final book for that section, you try to relate or apply the fundamental building blocks to this topic in a very harrowing, scholarly, and creative way. Mind if I share my texts with you? Also, you can always reach out to me if you want to be a part of this class. I figure I need to keep reading or else I will fall off track. It is a lot of reading, maybe 25 books? Not Goosebumps books or Penguin Classics kid books. I am talking about pretty dense and dry academic material here. So it may take a year or two. But thankfully, divi’ng the material into blocks allows for concise, block-by-block learning at a self-regulated pace. One where perhaps understanding the material will be more important than completing it I am sure. Hopefully it turns out well.

So the place I am working at is a Drive Thru SBX, the second busiest in the State I am going to, which is pretty awesome. The thing about being busy is that sure it’s busy but 8 hours is still 8 hours. I just don’t want this job to interfere with my education. Anyway, back in college I didn’t really have a job, and now that I have been working here for almost 3 years, I haven’t really been in school. But learning doesn’t stop when you get older; at least in shouldn’t. You don’t just go to school for 20 years and then one day graduate and never touch a book, or new idea again. Of course not! Learning is a part of life, it’s a part of being human. Sharks don’t really get a chance to learn, so in a way, we are really lucky. I want to understand humans more, kind of like if they were machines sort of.

Here is my self-guided course:

Learning Block 1: Human Systems Overview- Theoretical/ Historical Foundations

Book 1: The Human Use of Human Beings by Norbert Wiener

Book 2: The Power Elite by C. Wright Mills

Book 3: General Economic History by Max Weber

Book 4: The Social System by Talcott Parsons

Applied Texts: Feudal Society Vol I, Vol II by Marc Bloch; Technology and Society by Deborah Johnson

Learning Block 2: Human Emotional Systems: Affect Theory/ The Affect System

Book 1: Shame and Its Sisters: A Silvan Tomkins Reader by Eve Sedgewick

Book 2: Shame and Pride by Donald Nathanson

Book 3: The Affect Theory Reader

Book 4: Emotions Revealed by Paul Ekman

Applied Text: Building Confidence (self-help) by Barrie Davenport

Learning Block 3: Sex, Gender and Socio-Political/ Reproductive Processes

Book 1: The Naked Woman by Desmond Morris

Book 2: The Naked Male by Desmond Morris

Book 3: How We Do It: The Evolution and Future of Human Reproduction

Book 4: The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan

Applied Text: Flirting with Danger: Young Women’s Reflections on Sexuality and Dominations

Learning Block 4: Human Origins, and The Future of Humanity

Book 1: Masters of the Planet by Ian Tattersall

Book 2: Origin of Species by Charles Darwin

Book 3: The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins

Book 4: The Naked Ape by Desmond Morris

I may end up adding another learning block, but for now this is good for me. Learning Block 4 I may not be interested in, given the anthropological, zoological, and historical artifacts that sort of take up the whole block, combined with the starkly contrasted Applied Text. I may just have no Applied Reading for that Block, and just have it be some sort of Natural Science/ Historical Narrative of Man. It just seems like something different than a Social Science to me, but I don’t want to completely ignore it since its implications for modern day humankind are tremendous, not to mention it will give a huge amount of insight to not only the subsequent readings. I just don’t know whether I should save that for last or have it become the second learning block, and move everything else after that down a notch, sequentially speaking. Yeah, I will just switch the learning blocks a little but, and have two applied text for the first learning block.

Let me know what you think.



Posted: February 2, 2015 in Uncategorized

So, I don’t write too often in here, because I either write it all down in my journal or internalize eevrything because I have a hard time “opening up” about things large and small. But lately I have been feeling lame because of my new store. It’s always fun teh first week, when no one really knows each other and everyones scared and making a positive first impression and it is easy. But now, I know which people are which, and unfortunately one of my shifts and my boss SUCK ASS, and I don’t like working with them. I don’t want to say they RUINED MY LIFE, but they are making it really lame and make me feel powerless or inferior. They both are sort of the same, very rude, and aggressive, all in the name of defending their own dark and disturbed sense of honor. Perhaps a sense of shame from the earlier part of their lives, interacting with mine, perhaps all parties masking their realities with a skewed sense of power and control.

Administratively speaking, they are good at what they do, but it is a sharp imbalance: when they work with actual human beings, it seems as though their darker more scornful side comes out. I don’t think they know how to MOTIVATE people with anything besides FEAR. That says a lot about how THEY may have been motivated their whole lives. When your leaders motivate through intimidation, they lose their follower’s respect, and gain their souls. It is a sharp option, but it is not the only option. God does not motivate with fear, but he does so with love, and joy, reaching a goal, looking back and feeling happy. The way people try to have others believe is by scaring them to death with a lake of fire. But really, getting someone to beileve in what you believe in is hit or miss, and that is where I am now. I don’t like my job, but I asked to work at this new store, am going to be a COFFEE MASTER. I don’t want to hurt my boss’s boss feelings, but I want to get a car, and get the fuck out of here, mayeb drive all the way to the South, or Portland where it’s quiet and where people aren’t such JACKASSES, void of respect, and empathy.

Smell ya later, I have to go do my taxes with someone.

Law of Attraction Project

Posted: October 7, 2014 in Uncategorized

Pretty much about 5 years ago I learned of the law of attraction, and how you can use “The Secret” of it to get whatever your heart desires, provided your heart truly desires it, with absolutely no second thoughts, cold feet, or ounce of doubt in your soul, in your bones.

And so, I have a dream, a goal, a wish, and will proceed to not waste anymore time and get straight to that. I want to be successful on the side, perhaps instead of any and all jobs I may encounter through these ventures of working for someone else in America. My goal, my wish is to start an extremely successful blog that will attract entrepreneurs, celebrities, wealthy businessmen and women to participate in the work I do, primarily in my blog and creative process- mainly my content or the results of my progress and work.

My blog will be about different careers in the current field of the modern economy and society: they can range anywhere from highly desired and competitive careers such as being a baker, lawyer, music producer, to something less competitive or extremely lucrative to dentistry, human resource management, real estate agent. I will not focus on careers perceived just as the ideal career that we all read about in elementary school. What I most desire is to talk to people of all kinds of jobs and careers and find out what they have loved, hated, and learned through their work; what they have been passionate about their jobs and what everyone who wants this job needs to know about the more emotional or personal side, and not just the amount of hours and money one gets paid. My reason for making this blog/ miniature career is so that:

– I can live my passion about learning about the careers that help the world go around and around everyday, because jobs stimulate the economy and give people a sense of self-worth when it comes to making a difference in the world they live in, and trying to chase the American dream or ideal and achieving success.

-Others will absorb and consume more knowledge when it comes to different careers they may want to pursue. This can be anyone from an elementary school student who wonders what it is like or required to become an astronaut; a high school students that wants to learn what college programs will help them become an investment banker or lawyer; or just a curious person my age who does not yet have their dream-career but would like to know what steps to take to get there, and the challenges and rewards they may encounter on the way there or once they are settled into this career.

What I have experienced in life, through asking questions and listening, is that some people like making lots and lots of money, but at their job they lack a certain amount of emotional fulfillment. These people have told me that what they like about their job is that they have the money to pay their bills and take care of their families, but nothing about the actual practice or experience while at work. When it comes to what they DO NOT like, they manage to come up with a lot more content. Although I need not have an opinion when it comes to these types of careers, a large part of me would like to see people from all walks of life- regardless of age, religion, ethnic background, income- to find fulfillment in what they do and celebrate going to work and taking pride in what they do. Of course, we will all experience and dissatisfaction in our careers or jobs one day, or maybe for a long week, but I hope that these are just small occurrences that may not drive the person to drown their work sorrows with alcohol, food, or other types of abusable substances. My dream, not just for me, is that everyone appreciate what they’re doing and fit into their work perfectly. Of course perfection is not possible, but I believe a strong sense of confidence and stability in one’s work is very possible, given these people have the means and channels to successfully enter a workforce that places them where their personality and work ethic correspond. Wouldn’t you want your chef, bank teller, barista, bus driver, dentist, to actually enjoy and be skilled at his or her job? The positive energy and fulfillment of one member of society can better dissipate when very few people abhor their jobs and envy the ones that are doing what they are happy doing. We can all benefit from a more emotionally stable and healthy society where most workers enjoy where they are and can easily navigate to a realistic career that suits their skills, needs, work ethic, and personalities.

Thanks for reading this; I’ll write on my next post what will help me get there, but for now I am putting my desires out there in the universe and hopefully the same energy will come back and I could start something. My end goals is to establish a website or platform where anyone could type in a type of career, see an interview or a short paragraph about the steps a worker had to take to get his or her career, the job description itself (more detailed in terms of experience than mere statistics). And lastly, a short video or interview where once can witness the day in the life of that which they would like to become. I hope this does help people out, and I would love it to be successful from giving back to the community.

Thanks for reading,


A Blurry Spectre

Posted: September 16, 2014 in Uncategorized

Life seems blurry some days. Today is one of those days. I feel lost. I feel like all I’m doing is waiting for that letter to come in the mail to invaite me to an interview for the city job I want. I’m kind of sick of my job. I liked it for a while, but they changed it a lot. It’s always changing to be honest. Feels weird. I don’t like change because it takes away my sense of control or that I have knowledge. Knowledge is the new obsolescently planned dishwasher marketed in the 1950s. It seems I constantly fail to get a grip on reality, because of how fluid it is. I feel alienated at work now, which is strange because it’s a coffee shop, the last place you’d feel alienated. It’s weird. They changed how we operate our store so for this week so far, I have basically been a barback robot boy, whose accessory of sharpie and perhaps namedtag have becomed a timer and list of tasks. Brew coffee, restock ice, lids, sleeves. Then, look into your signal box: what does your team need? Hot cups, they need hot cups, iced flat lids, paper bags for food. Then wipe down the condiment bar; at the meeting they say hi to someone on your way there, but it’s not the same because, like I said it’s all a routine. Just like this heat, just like the sunset- it’s all a routine. The timer goes off before your cycle task. Time to stop what I’m doing and brew coffee, restock ice, lids, sleeves. Then, look into your signal box: what does your team need? Milk- lots of milk, a bottle of vanilla, perhaps green tea or iced coffee. What needs work on the outside. Sugar, they need raw sugar out there. On your way there, wow they’re already out of cups, okay gotta get cups. Change the milk, wipe the condi-bar, say a forced hi if you can. Now you can change your co-workers trash, give them lids after you wash your hand. That will help them so they don’t have to yell, but I liked it when they yelled my name, it made me feel like I was there, like I was human just like them.

It feels like we’re too aware of the rules and try to perform this new method, that we forget to connect, or perhaps there is no more time to connect because our store is always so damn busy. Our store is just always so damn busy. I wish it wasn’t. Maybe if coffee spilled on me I could wake up, because drinking it, I can do it at night and still sleep well. Like I said, it’s all about routine; and perhaps the battery acide like stream of drip coffee off of an urn and onto my arm- the hot, acidic, dark  brown water and oil entering my skin, my blood. Maybe then it will feel different.

But I have to wait, maybe I will always be waiting to come to life, to be more than a floating mass of ectoplasm, far from a holy ghost, but complacently in a background of humanity, advocacy, arguments a human type of struggle, the marshes of conflict, sex, and vices. And I feel so external to it, I feel so unaware of my nature, disconnected from myself. That is something.

Giving up on something…

Posted: June 25, 2014 in Uncategorized

This blog. I have had it for about 6 years now and I don’t use it anymore. I will be sure to link you to my new blog when I finish its first post. Thanks.






Posted: March 12, 2014 in Uncategorized

I’m taking a bartending class through my old college, as well as a poetry class. It is interesting and I have the week off from work. Classes are on Saturdays. I don’t have much to write about, so much loss as streams may not gloss over my face; oh how I’ve embraced concealing so many feelings, leaving me so many people come and go, so long they may not tell me so I still feel their breathing so silent and invisible as I have become, when they leave so a part of me does also.


Posted: January 23, 2014 in Uncategorized

The desire to aspire to the aspect of ourselves we don’t believe we can achieve. Everday we see our failures we judge ourselves limit ourselves. We see the demons inside of us and we submit ourselves to their will despite their raspite despite their utmost control of this distorted reality- its grip hard to slip from it it saves us, our destruction they ensure, their loyality.

What I fear is the joy in what I desire. I am so used to being alone, a failure. I need fears to keep me going to make me feel different and special than you. I need to feel like a freak and establish a sense of superiority, to escape the inferiority I’ve come to know so much, detach myself from in an attempt to live on when I’m just static, sporadic I rather not grow on the inside, but it is time, to go beyond what we reap and what we sow.

In school I hated everyone, felt brushed off and excluded. I have found strength in it now. I hated them- the people that left me, didn’t talk to me even though I myself had a hand in it all, well not all the time but still. I have failed to accept the possibility that everyone will always stay in my life. Like the staff at the gym i must accept the task of seeing people go, to and from from my dark brown eyes into the seas into the bright sunset I can’t see past- the light so strong I stared at it too long, all the faces after, just blurs have you heard what happens when you stare at the brightest star in the galaxy? Soon after its a disaster all the subsequent faces dissappear, haven’t dared to look into a mirror I fear my eyes will vanish before me I banish the perceptablity the possibility that I could connect or relate to anyone let alone be loved by anyone beside my sister and mother oh brother where do i begin do you have any idea what it’s like to try and like everyone but constantly feel void of respect recognition yes I recognize that we all want it but I try to give it and one day it will all come, I hope I will meet her, yet I fear her and would probably never talk to her. She I consider an ideal, a savior that produces only the deepest guilt inside of me I hate this feeling. I don’t get satisfaction i am no longer attracted to all the girls I see, because I feel like they would never like me or love me for who I am or understand me and this is not just the side of me that lacks the aspect to share some of myself maybe all of myself to someone else what will i be once i turn forty perhaps others will think great things about me an come to learn of the psychological nightmares of my everyday life the realness of faces fading away from the basis of living breathing crying on the inside I smile on the outside- the tears I fail to perspire shoot like spray creates a glistening in my face is anyone listening enough to tell me who they are and save me from who I am what I am what i wou,ld like to be that is a failure to me?

The lights are on all the time, even at night, in the morning they’re on in the street at my job at my house at the library. I just want to live in the darkness and not be so ahsmaed of the ugliness the cave I have voluntarily forces myself to ento and resurrect from eventually when? I wait for someone else no longer I am aware that I must be my own Savior and act with Christ, know him. The world before me distorted and alien, ostracizes me these are the vibrations of liars I speak truth to, the causes of pain I try to please, the monsters I tuck in and night and tell stories to wish safety for.

The beauty I release is a face dipped deep inside a bath of battery acid, if it doesn’t make you throw up and squeam it will make you scream drop your keys and run. Satan is gorgeous. The beauty of Christ the battery the blood the pain the suffering that they flourish in, it will come back one day. We will come to know truth once and for all. many things will come to pass, things you thought you could never live without, you will see the beauty of a previously ugly soul. and you will se the gorgeous face of Satan engorged the acid rain he spews will come back at him and away from your eyes.