Posts Tagged ‘life’

Gosh I don’t even know where to start. How we always have to find the problem even, or especially, when there is none. I don’t quite understand. I only understand that I do not understand. And while one can envision a sense of closure and enlightenment, I mean we’re asked to do more than simply lay, stand, or sit (maybe even levitate) in a blissful, satiated state. Passivity, we call it. The consumption of nothing but clear air and an unmistakably imperfect mind and nature, however we can be so forgiving as to awaken into a blank slate.

 

But for what? What is life? Well we know it is but we aren’t sure why. I suppose it’s not required of us to answer, but I think something in us strives to understand. And the hippos and songbirds do not ask such things. It’s like they know what to do and they stick to it. Why bother moving beyond? Well there’s not even a beyond to surpass. There’s simply going about the day. What we see as another person falling by the wayside is like that hippo moving day by day, serenely, immersing itself in the clear but somewhat murky waters below, resting, and leaping out and exercising not the freedom but action to impose its gaping maw to the bright, crystal rays of sunshine. Purpose? There is none but there still is something. Something we take for granted, or often do. It simply exists. Silence. “It.” The thing that is there and I believe we all very much understand. That which, by the plight, fear, and greed of the world sort of distracts us from. I find myself trying to find myself so many days, cycles, and maybe even lifetimes. Trying to get there. But there is no beyond, really. And I know that but part of me doesn’t buy it.

The boy in the dream was me, in the plane’s wooden cabin, lounging with Freud himself, or perhaps it was Weber. And we came to, and we looked out and saw below us grand waterfalls, fountains that did not fall off of high cliffs. And we saw clocks every which way, scattered and seemingly hung over the hard rocks like walls. And we could hear the sentimental ticking, and the sounds of water diving into itself, we could see the glimmering glitter wakes and the elegant foam in the sunlight. All in the airplane.

 

And how in my own waking life, I am the boy in the grassy park, who looks above so often, a witness to the steady, determined wings, the pale belly of the bird that glides through so quickly. And I know the boy in the dream is in there, trying to find me, and how I move around and the red blinking dots on his surreal pocket map, they tend to bounce around and frustrate him And I look up into the deep light blue sky. And I say to myself:

 

“That boy, he is going somewhere, but where? Where is he going?”

and I hear a voice, perhaps God’s, the other boy’s or just something else tell me:

“Forget about where he is going. Where is he now? He is moving. That is where he is, what he is.  He moves, in flight, as motion through the planes of space and time, in his own plane of space and time. Going nowhere but so very THERE, you see?”

 

I just don’t know what to do with all of this. I just hope you can understand.

 

I. I AM. YOU CAN FIND ME. I AM AT AND BEYOND WHERE YOU ARE.

Sleeping Weird

Posted: February 17, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Hi, my name is John and my sleeping pattern is all out of whack. Yesterday I slept 12. 5 hours and today realistically I don’t think I will fall asleep. It is 3:30 AM and I have work tomorrow at 6… PM, which is great I guess, except it is my brothers birthday and I won’t be able to celebrate it with him… at least not in the evening.

 

And so my sleeping on a regular basis and consistently I guess has gone out the window. Somedays I sleep at 7pm, some days  I sleep at 1AM, some days I do not sleep at all. And it’s driving me crazy. Valientine’s Day I think I slept the whole entire day I think. I didn’t really like that day very much.

 

I’ve been trying to make sense out of everything and I don’t know what’s wrong with me and what’s wrong with other people and if it is them or it is just me. Right now I am blogging which is not just for porn stars and stay at home moms with kittens and cookie recipes. I am listening to a band called Armor For Sleep which I used to listen to in high school when I was very sad about everything. Not this whole emo thing that as sort of popular then, but empty said where I couldn’t see much hope. Of course, I don’t see much hope now, but I feel somewhat more comfortable in my own environments I guess. What am I going to do tomorrow. I haven’t anything for my big brother and I don’t want to wake up until 12pm. It’s Sunday and he doesn’t work on Sunday. I feel like Kelly might be reading this so I am not as lucid and open in my writing. Not that I hate her, I just feel like part of the diary feeling has been sacrificed to an extent and this may influence my writing.

I have been thinking about running away somewhere. Far far away actually. But I haven’t enough money. I was thinking of just leaving on my bike somewhere like New York or Nashville, or even Paris but I have work and my family will worry and I don’t even have a car or even a license. And I’m not sure I can fit all my stuff in a backpack like in teh video games.

 

I want to do it though. A lot of things can wait, and I haven’t any children or crippled horses to tend to or anything like that. Now I am listening to “Artificial” by X Ray Spex. I had a friend who hung out with a group of people that I eventually hung out with but couldn’t relate to who listened to music like this mostly punk music but now I am guessing their musical “tastes” have expanded very very much.

I close tomorrow with the Beast. Who knows what will come up from it all. I honestly hope I don’t really go in at 615 AM not PM cuz that would be terrible. I hate lattes. Not with a passion. Just don’t like them is all. I don’t even like coffee most the time, unless it has ice in it. One old guy named Steve I made a latte for said he refused to burn his tongue. On Friday I made a latte for this Nashevillian lady or her husband or whomever and small talked to her which is what u eventually learn to do around here and I told her I would love to go there one day and she said I would like it, probably. She left and the guy in line after her, when I handed him his drink I made he told me the lady I was talking to had at least 10,000 dollars cash in her bag and I as surprised and curious about it as well. One time also this one lady who sounded like a rich girl turned raggae-hipster-gypsy was ordering tea and was whort like 2 dollars and her boyfriend or whatever wearing a wife beater and jeans and dreadlocks took out a huge wad of cash or something and took a bill out and handed me a 20. then he put either 2 or 6 dollars in my tip jar which was excellent. The day after the same lady came in with a kid who to be honest and silly reminded me of that little boy from Jumanji (the movie) that eventually turned into part monkey. I guess she was helping him with his math homework cuz she asked us if she could borrow a pencil and was sitting with him working on homework. And so, I feel like we will see more of them now. A lot of people get mad when we tell them we do not have a breakfast sandwhich or an oven. Like really mad as if we … I rather not talk about it. A lot of people give us attitude and sass. One time I asked my manager what to do in terms of coffee brewing and he told me to dump everything except Pike, but I had a feeling the decaf should stay, that people would want this decaffeinated coffee AKA contradictory asswater. But he said he was sure and so of course all these people start asking for decaf. I dont see why we stop brewing decaf after noon. People don’t really need decaf in teh early morning anyway, but… I mean no one is going to listen to me; I am probably at the bottom of teh totem pole. But I am okay with that I guess. All I care about primarily is feeling like I am doing something with myself. But I really should look for bigger goals.

Which is why I want to run away, with absolutely no plan at all. Maybe things will turn out like they are supposed to. I need a lot fo money for that stuff though… Perhaps I should just save up for it. I’ve always been more into random adventures anyway.

 

Signing out,

 

John