The Colorless Vehicle

Posted: January 27, 2018 in Uncategorized

Sink or swim,

The waters are dull, gray

What makes it tick,

What makes the sky blue

 

The colorless vehicle,

With vague impulses

All purpose wheels,

Who dances is the mighty

 

A robust refrigerator

Whose inner icicles breathe and spread

Sepulchral pockets of deep freeze,

Silently releasing its cold steam

 

A sinister, chilly shell

Hissing and hiding

Wishing and smighting itself

Within the crawl space

 

Of what use is it to us,

So we seize to inspect, examine

Within its shoulders

A witness to nothing at all

 

Bawling and muted,

It feeds itself,

Feeds on itself,

Patiently waiting for-

 

 

Advertisements

I’m feeling something

Posted: January 21, 2018 in Uncategorized

I’ve been feeling a lot better lately.

 

Lately I’ve just learned that although it is great to focus on one goal at a time, it’s also important to pay attention to other things like your family, and your health as well.

Work is getting to be a lot more cumbersome these days, which is okay. I’m trying to keep up with demand– it isn’t always easy but I think exercising- even just 3 days a week max, is helping me out a lot.

My mind has been all over the place so far this year (and we’re only in January!). But I do feel a bit more at peace. This year’s goals are to apply to graduate school and to have 10K invested/ saved for retirement. I can go on for hours about my portfolio and strategy or whatever, but the point is I just need to have a lot saved initially when I am young because if I do go back to school, there is a good chance I won’t be earning much income, certainly nowhere near as much to invest generously for retirement.

I have to leverage time with money, something I should’ve CLEARLY thought about when I was 19. But anyway, I think there’s a good time for everything. And I think starting as soon as you can, especially if you are in your twenties, is a great idea because you don’t have to catch up so much in your older years. I guess I am just trying to do myself a favor later on.

However, I have learned that there is a certain amount of money that you need to invest, but you also need to have a life. I felt like that has been lacking lately. I have been living a rather dull, colorless life, because all my money (and thus time) has been going to saving. When you decide not to spend a lot of money, you also choose how you spend your time. The past two years have been sort of boring (relatively) speaking but the benefits and end results have been remarkable. But I believe, it’s time to just ease into taking it easy and focusing a lot more on other things in my life, like my relationships, my family, and just studying and reading more.

It is easy to get lost in intentional suffering. Whether you are saving up for school, or are going to school, things can start to feel hopeless. Results take a long time to achieve and you start to see that other aspects of your life are taking a beating because what you are doing now is taking away from all of the other stuff, like traveling, going out, recreation, and other types of activities and expenditures.

But I just wonder. I have way too much clothes. What do I want in life? Stuff? I want stuff, but once I have it, it doesn’t really fulfill me, you know? I like this feeling. I feel content, and truly thankful for what I have in my life, for who I’ve got in my life. God has given me a lot and I am still so young.

They call it a comparison trap for a reason. Think about it. You really DO forget about all the good things in your life when you look at someone else’s life and see how they have it better. Maybe they have a higher net worth, a higher annual income, a nicer physique. Perhaps they are a bit more gregarious than you could really ever be. Maybe they just look so damn happy all the damn time and maybe it bothers you. We could go on for hours, which is actually very sad but also very funny. There are just a multitude of factors- quantitative and qualitative that we could use as modes of comparisons. We all have these like numbers. We give these numbers meaning according to our culture, but things change. Body parts go in and out of fashion like hats and certain types of jeans do. I like having a Social Security number. All Americans get them, but we don’t compare them. I don’t know how they are given out but we don’t compare them. We are just I guess happy to have them. I’ve never seen someone else’s and thought, well their number is small than mine, I”M COOLER. And I like that; more things like that should exist.

 

I gave up social media because you are not required to be honest and transparency has become entirely subjective and selective. I don’t know if I feel comfortable talking to people that are constantly talking about how good their lives are, but have no desire to communicate with me about their pain. That is what friends are for. But since those platforms are comparably much more quantitative, we end up comparing. If we post something negative in a field of positive posts, we may feel vulnerable, exposed, ashamed, and of course weird. We end up going back and deleting what we write and what we feel. Does that cause us to really repress such emotion of fear, sadness, or feelings of inadequacy? And have I run from all of this just by avoiding social media altogether? I honestly don’t care right now.

Apathy could very well be a defensive mechanism, but it’s also extremely liberating. And once the mind if freed from the judgement of others, perhaps one finds it much easier to not judge others. I find it much easier to talk to complete strangers now. I am not talking about APPROACHING THEM IN AN EFFORT TO MAKE FRIENDS (you need social media for that) I just mean when we end up talking it doesn’t feel like a nightmare as much. I love my job. I get to engage in small talk all day. It really helps me in the real world.

I actually have to get going. I am going to work out, and then go to church. Actually, I don’t know if I will have much time. I have an hour and a half. Well if I want to make it on time to any of it, I have to go now. Boo.

 

Time is something I can write about later. But I just love life this weekend. Work will be hectic with all these events and just gosh I can’t wait to go back to YouTube Spaces…

Hey world. How er you doin??

 

Okay well, it’s obviously the end of the year now. Currently seated at a secure location. You won’t find me. Nehehehe

 

Well, I guess you can say, my attention span has been reduced by 79% this year. Yours too huh? It’s all this technology! It’s like fucking crack man! I swear, who knows how long I can go constantly on youtube, several financial websites. It’s so enticing!

 

This year has been pretty big for me, to say the least. Many changes have occured. I have met loads of new people this year with my new job. It is exciting but some days tiring. But overall, I won’t complain! I get paid more, I get to work more hours (about 43 a week). I have also learned a lot. Google, for example, 89% of its revenue comes from its advertising structures.

Much has happened, economically, to both myself and this nation at large. The rise of crypto-currency, the up and coming tax bill. Also, I have managed to pay off my student loans this year! +1

I have managed to complete my fully funded emergency fund! +1

I have also saved 5400 in my Roth IRA! I am 27 years old. +1

It has been a good year. This can only all be executed when one takes like one step at a time. My goal for 2018 is to submit my applications for a PhD program in Sociology. It is my ultimate goal to be a Sociology professor. I have been battling with whether or not I should just stay at the job I have now and just struggle my way to whatever the hell it is that this job leads to.

I have a really neat job, though. I am going to stick to it, and I hope to stay here until I start grad school, which, if everything goes well will occur in the Fall of 2019, or in 2 years. And so, I have to budget for the costs of applying for grad school before I can think about funding  PhD program. I have to take things one step at a time. I am very good when I do this. The more you try to do, it only makes sense on paper. In reality, you never get to all of it. If you take life one step at a time, and focus all of your resources on that one goal, you will finish it. And you will get to the next step.

I have been fortunate enough to be blessed by the Lord to seek a better life and be able to find one.

Since about the summer of last year, I had tried to get a career in life insurance sales. I know, what was I thinking?! It’s a scummy industry. I only wanted the passive income, which takes about 5 years to like actually have. But I wouldn’t be me. It would be the ultimate cop out for “security.”

 

The truth is, I feel like I am being called to be a Sociology professor. I feel it’s a part of my anatomy let alone my destiny. I could be wrong, so it’s finally time to actually try and see once and for all. I feel God tells me, to follow my dreams and trust that spectacular things will happen as a result. Fear of freedom will lead only to mediocrity and a life of uncertainty, of thinking one should have done this.

Invest in yourself. Don’t sell yourself short. The world is absurd right now. Think about it. Currency will become like, digital. Maybe one day our entire consciousness will be in a computer while our bodies are frozen. I guess you can say that is what goes on these days, the present days.

I was lucky enough to get this job. In January is when I started to dress fancy so I could be accepted into this whole insurance thing. I really don’t know what I was thinking. Well, as I said before, I wanted the money but I didn’t want to do the work. Your income doesn’t come from a degree, it comes from your job. And so, I know a PhD won’t make me rich. It’s up to me to put myself out there. My goodness, I have changed a lot in the past few years.

Well anyway, I remember earlier this year I would go on the train, every Wednesday to the office in downtown LA, listening to this Kid Cudi Album, or this old B.O.B album from 2010. I remember still paying off my student loans, the very last one actually, starting in January. Almost 100% of my tax refund went to those loans, but it was worth it. It was worth every tummy ache, and worth all those trips in the rain to the bus stop. Wow, that felt so wonderful to write- about all of the sacrifices. Now I know God truly watches us all closely, and gives us what is just. Praise God!

 

In February I finally became debt free. It was fun. I remember in March/ April/ May is when I started reading East of Eden by John Steinbeck. That was so cool, that was this year. It was an amazing book with an incredible plot. I recommend it to anyone. Around this time I also got a root canal, and finally stopped going to the insurance stuff. I don’t know about that place.

I don’t quite remember when I applied to the company I work for now. I know I started the last week of June, possibly the 23rd. Yes, that’s right. So, I must have applied at the end of May. March through May seems like a blur to me. I know I was reading The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, and I had started reading The Brothers Karamazov (didn’t get to finish it). That is when I landed this job.

Literature and music really helped me. God also helped me rather immensely. And of course, I also helped myself.

It was a lot of work, this year. It rained a lot and there was much I could not do. But alas, see how much you can do when you do nothing at all and just focus on the brunt end of the sword. Oh how it dug into my stomach and ached deeply, as I awaited victory. It was horrid, but that part is all over.

I have a Political Philosophy Exam in a couple of days. I came here for a little bit to just study.

I think everyday has been a good day with some hours being very horrible. That is how life feels like. I feel very optimistic, and that optimism has come about by setting realistic, powerful, and valuable goals for myself, and for finally ridding myself of all forms of popular social media.

This year, I have learned many valuable lessons. But I learned that a boy like me, cannot be compared to his peers. It is a matter of apples to oranges, and so I try not to compare myself anymore, to others my age, because it’s practically impossible. We are just so different. But that does not mean I cannot give nor receive love.

I am a lucky boy. I feel loved. Life is hard.

 

I am only a victim of myself. Fear hurts people. It cripples us. But only your own fear will grapple, twist, and slam you onto the coarse pavement of the world. And I know only my own pain will hurt me, at the end of this and everyday. If I want good things to happen, I have to do good things. It is just that simple. If I want a PhD, I have to apply for a PhD program, get accepted, and accept the offer, and work my ass off for probably another decade, living below my means for longer. But allow me to list the years left in my life, assuming I live to 80 years old:

2018, 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022, 2023, 2024, 2025, 2026, 2027, 2028, 2029, 2030, 2031, 2032, 2033, 2034, 2035, 2036, 2037, 2038, 2039, 2040, 2041, 2042, 2043, 2044, 2045, 2046, 2047, 2048, 2049, 2050, 2051, 2052, 2053, 2054, 2055, 2056, 2057, 2058, 2059, 2060, 2061, 2062, 2063, 2064, 2065, 2066, 2067, 2068, 2069, 2070.

That is basically my life in a list. And each year has 12 months, each month has 4 weeks, each week 7 days, and each day 24 hours. It will all go by very very fast. I just know it. But if I take things one step at a time, and one day at a time, I know there is much I can do. It’s true. God is my side if I am on His. The key to success is knowing that in life, you actually have to do stuff. We are so obsessed with results in our culture, but we forget that all the magic comes from the mundane, the long days and the sometimes draining efforts of our days, and our hard work.

I don’t know if I have escaped. I am not so sure, but I do feel free, even with this low ass battery level.

 

Things are looking up. I look up to God and am thankful for all of the changes in my life, both good and “bad.” I think, it’s all good in the end. Praise Jesus.

 

End.

 

 

Gosh I don’t even know where to start. How we always have to find the problem even, or especially, when there is none. I don’t quite understand. I only understand that I do not understand. And while one can envision a sense of closure and enlightenment, I mean we’re asked to do more than simply lay, stand, or sit (maybe even levitate) in a blissful, satiated state. Passivity, we call it. The consumption of nothing but clear air and an unmistakably imperfect mind and nature, however we can be so forgiving as to awaken into a blank slate.

 

But for what? What is life? Well we know it is but we aren’t sure why. I suppose it’s not required of us to answer, but I think something in us strives to understand. And the hippos and songbirds do not ask such things. It’s like they know what to do and they stick to it. Why bother moving beyond? Well there’s not even a beyond to surpass. There’s simply going about the day. What we see as another person falling by the wayside is like that hippo moving day by day, serenely, immersing itself in the clear but somewhat murky waters below, resting, and leaping out and exercising not the freedom but action to impose its gaping maw to the bright, crystal rays of sunshine. Purpose? There is none but there still is something. Something we take for granted, or often do. It simply exists. Silence. “It.” The thing that is there and I believe we all very much understand. That which, by the plight, fear, and greed of the world sort of distracts us from. I find myself trying to find myself so many days, cycles, and maybe even lifetimes. Trying to get there. But there is no beyond, really. And I know that but part of me doesn’t buy it.

The boy in the dream was me, in the plane’s wooden cabin, lounging with Freud himself, or perhaps it was Weber. And we came to, and we looked out and saw below us grand waterfalls, fountains that did not fall off of high cliffs. And we saw clocks every which way, scattered and seemingly hung over the hard rocks like walls. And we could hear the sentimental ticking, and the sounds of water diving into itself, we could see the glimmering glitter wakes and the elegant foam in the sunlight. All in the airplane.

 

And how in my own waking life, I am the boy in the grassy park, who looks above so often, a witness to the steady, determined wings, the pale belly of the bird that glides through so quickly. And I know the boy in the dream is in there, trying to find me, and how I move around and the red blinking dots on his surreal pocket map, they tend to bounce around and frustrate him And I look up into the deep light blue sky. And I say to myself:

 

“That boy, he is going somewhere, but where? Where is he going?”

and I hear a voice, perhaps God’s, the other boy’s or just something else tell me:

“Forget about where he is going. Where is he now? He is moving. That is where he is, what he is.  He moves, in flight, as motion through the planes of space and time, in his own plane of space and time. Going nowhere but so very THERE, you see?”

 

I just don’t know what to do with all of this. I just hope you can understand.

 

I. I AM. YOU CAN FIND ME. I AM AT AND BEYOND WHERE YOU ARE.

MLeh!

Posted: December 14, 2015 in Uncategorized

It’s weird because I am not sure whether I should hate or love my life. I am someone who has it all, relatively speaking, but someone who is in a lot of ways, absolutely nothing.

 

I carry lists around everywhere, things I haven’t done. Other people- they’re different. They regret things, they get into trouble, they cheat on people, get into accidents, and do people things. I feel like nothing.

 

People think I am somebody because I moved away for 6 months on my own not knowing anyone. That I got my BA in Sociology at UCLA so I must be better than them, that I am the only one in this district with a black apron. But I don’t care about any of it!

 

I want my driver’s license, I want to be [one of the] greatest writers of the 21st century, to write books on the human condition, to fall in love and get married one day. That’s really about it- but not really. People we don’t know what we want until it’s gone- we don’t really ‘want.’ We need. The lines get blurred- the lines between desire and need, of fantasy and reality. We are obsessed with power, to claim it. But the more we do the more we remind ourselves how powerless we are. I want to delve deeply into the realm of the human condition, the agony, the brutality, the self-harm, the passion, the dull lifelessness of surrender and apathy. I want to stay alone, but I need someone oddly enough. I am great but oh how I am so weak!

 

 

What do you lack? What do you want? Are they not the same things? Not always. I lack imprisonment, but I do not seek it. In those circumstances I am content with my lot.

 

There’s a good book out there, for boys like me. The Collector by John Fowles. I’ve only allowed myself to look at girls, and I have given up on relationships. And just like the character, he knows he can never love, but tries to. He buys her anything she likes but won’t let her go. He only wants to have her, like a butterfly for his collection. To look at it, squirm at it, covet it, congratulate himself, and ultimately to make her love him, while imprisoned some how.

 

Its hard for me. I need an imaginary girlfriend, an imaginary car. I need some sort of video game with all these things.

I am writing this on my phone cuz the library is closed and tomorrow as well. I don’t have a laptop because I figure it would take over my life but my phone is now. It’s because u can listen to music on it and communicate with others on it. Back then u could only text call play snake or use the alarm function. Everything changed what n phones turned into computers. They’re not telephones anymore, they’re just small laptops now really. You still multitask and pretty much transplant your reality into your phone now. It’s kinda scary. Online shopping, banking, messaging, entertainment, emails, job searches, using it at night and in the morning, before and after work. Everyone is on their cell phone nowadays, its like a watch, but it takes your mind off reality that u can’t control and sublimates it into a material reality u can control profusely except… It controls you more. Were realm dependent on our phones. Thanks

Aside  —  Posted: July 25, 2015 in Uncategorized

It’s All Quite Interesting

Posted: June 20, 2015 in Uncategorized

Life. Earth. The Universe. Humans.

I was watching Wall-E with my niece and nephew today. It was awesome. It, and everything else I look at it seems, made me think of the future. I don’t know if very many of us think of or postulate the future very much, but I do. I think about who we were, who we are, and where we are going. I think of both biological/ genetic infrastructures and networks, as well as the social infrastructures that regenerate, reproduce, and form networks in perhaps a similar fashion.

In the future, we will go through climate change, like remember the Pleistocene Age? That wiped out a lot of species; and it also allowed us to be superior primates and mammals, allowing us to eventually forage for food and settle into complex villages whereby we could sustain ourselves using the domestication of wild plants and animals, hence agriculture and the advent of civilization- and the economic, religious, and legislative institutions that help guide, shift, and preserve it all. Chieftains of nomadic tribes, through social evolution, became settled as kings that directed or set up regulation of water- an extremely valuable resource for life.

I am interested in tracing the course of our biological evolutionary history- along with our own social evolution, from food foraging, to tribalism, to feudalism, and then capitalism. I don’t really want to enter the world or realm of computers, but sure why not. People are computers because they are made of up, self-replicating devices known as DNA, and the proteins that carry instructions to build, repair, and move all of this information through our bodies. These inscribed codes are similarly found in computers, whose codes and algorithms instruct physical hardware and command this hardware to make things move. DNA is awesome, it’s like a software program, with it’s own history and changes under environmental pressures.

I studied Sociology in school. People argued nature versus, nurture. Both and neither are true. The idea and structures of nature are socially constructed. And our social constructions of nature, are depended on molecular energy needed to feed our minds to come up and argue with such concepts. Having said this, DNA and life have a mind of their own. They use humans, snails, ants, etc. as vessels and vassals for a sustainable existence. In the future DNA will have fused with computer hardware- designed by the men and women that are occupied, and form self-replicating institutions and realities by which they can one day move from planet to planet, to different galaxies where they can better adapt to their given environment. The economic enterprise Capitalism- through its own social errors, thrives on overproduction and exploitation of resources- from titanium, copper, to water, timber and human labor. Naturally, a system that functions in this will not be very helpful to the biosphere in which we occupy. We will become more efficient and taking smaller and smaller pieces of matter and making them go a long way.

If we don’t transport life to another planet, a new economic system will emerge. This is what i am interested in. What kind of economy, and therefore what kind of human society will merge? The economy is one of many social institutions that govern, regulate, and mobilize the homo sapien species in a post-civilized and agrarian-industrialized biosphere. Mainly the basic and fundamental institutions in the human model are the Economy, the Government, the Military, and perhaps Education. They follow the biological or cellular model that causes genetic replication, but on the more socio-historical and infrastructural level. For example, the typical cell is made up of organelles that function to help a cell eat, breathe, store waste, and reproduce itself through instruction. Different organisms must eat, compete, and acquire biological traits that help it survive and reproduce on planet Earth. Social institutions are then vessels by which these simple organisms actualize their goals, through domination of the entire planet through culture. Society has parts like cells do. Education through socialization, much as different transcribing forms of RNA function to direct and instruct many parts of a cell. Economy on a cellular level means eating, and gathering and processing nutrients and the helpful proteins, lipids, and sugars that help it perform functions. The military is an important and relevant institution and requisite in life forms because it assumes competition using an array of “weaponry,” such as mandibles, sharp teeth or claws, the ability to camouflage and hunt during the night time and day time, for an increased proportion or expansion of diet. The sociohistorical military offers tools and innovations that help different humans compete for both material and social resources for power, wealth, and social prestige- such behaviors can also be found in other primates, and to a certain extent in ants. Ants have a history of enslavement, or capturing labor and utilizing it to perform functions for the queen of a different colony. Anyway, it’s all connected- the different institutions correspond with the different organelles and perhaps molecular structures- and each institution is connected to another.

I want to somehow start a larger field of synthesis with these two concepts of Sociology and Biology, in order to get a better sense of how to direct or manage social systems and structures that they yield or perform in a way not contrary to nature on the cellular level, but to use biological principles in a more magnificent sense, because the current economic system may run counter to the operations of Biosphere Planet Earth.

I heard socialism will take its place, but this is highly unlikely. Any system will persist, as long as it manages to motivate everyone to survive and reproduce. Capitalism is different because on the agricultural level, it seizes and manipulates structures on the genetic level to meet different profit margins, and patents these processes for considerable profits and capital. So, I am predicting somewhere along the way, after droughts, warfare, famine, and poltical dissaray, will emerge a new economic system. I am not promoting or endorsing socialism as the new system, nor am I trying to impede anyones quest for power and wealth. Throughout human histories, hierarchies have been in place in order to efficiently build, forage, and internally produce goods that sustain the system as a whole. There will be no egalitarian society- at least not in teh near future. Different hierarchies of wealth and power will persist, it is only a question to whether or not they will continue the tradition of a WASP sort of control, as seen in the Middle Ages, the Roman Empire, the British Empire, and the absolute economic, political, and miltaristic domination of the US.

Anyway, I want to figure out what that system is, because it will be up for grabs by people one day. Someone will benefit from it and they might want to know how to construct it and engineer it for when the time comes. Once I have this knowledge, I may use it to buy some form of airplane to travel because as for now I am economically depending on the economic system and those who control the capital- the large banks of the modern day world.

Yes, it’s all very interesting.