3 Day Weekend

Posted: May 26, 2018 in Uncategorized

Hi,

 

We’ve a three day weekend. I first thought I had to re-evaluate this job, but really I have to re-evaluate my relationship with God. I’ve been in the wrong. I want out, but out of what? I don’t know man. Things are both complicated and uncertain, at the end of the day.

 

I have been having a hard time getting erections. I think it’s from hyperfrequent use of technology. Yesterday I bought a smartphone at the drugstore for 33 dollars. It’s helped, but in some ways it makes me stay home even more.

 

I don’t know how to go into this three day weekend. I want to write a lot. I’ll miss listening to music. Technology makes it so your head dances around between different pages. I admit, I am addicted to it, even though I don’t use social media. (is this social media?)

My paragraphs are a lot shorter than before. I believe we’ve all done a good job at short circuiting our brains. What does that even mean? I mean, well, it used to be the case where I could go on thinking and writing about certain things for hours at a time, or a bit less. Now it feels like my mind sort of wanders and jumps to other things, and it’s shown in my writing… or lack thereof. We quickly switch to something else, something else, something else. I need to focus more, especially on my ‘goal’ and just choose something.

I did my retirement thing. Next up who knows what. But first what do I do this weekend?

 

  • Hang out with friend
  • Write in my journal a lot
  • Read American Gods by Neil Gaiman
  • Write in my blog more
  • Take the train more
  • Take long bus rides
  • Go to MOCA
  • SMPL Saturday Morning
  • CONFIRM YEARLY GOAL
  • Jerk off without porn at least once a day

I’m sort of excited about getting paid more. With the money I get, outside of taxes, I am going to just keep saving and then. Well to be honest most of my money just goes to savings and rent, bills. The extra cash usually goes to a book. 30 dollars went to a new phone, which I didn’t need but I think in the long run was a good investment decision. This has all been very tough to be honest. I have been investing time so that I can save time. I was going to go on the bus… it’s already 8:30pm… going on 8:34. I notice my mind likes to wander, that and when you push a button by accident it makes you type into a search bar, which leads to random results popping up. I also have this… feeling that music apps make your songs sound scratched so it can interrupt your flow and… for a writer well that’s of course no good.

I don’t know what to do tonight, but I know I will need lots of water. What I can do really late is like, walk to McDonalds and then just go for a longer walk in general down Lincoln or Main Street. I can’t walk that far honestly.  Also, the reason I am writing a lot now is because well it’s Friday night and this is a three day weekend. I want to just do stuff do stuff do stuff. This is a good roadmap for me this weekend.

 

How I might spend this weekend

  • Spotify
  • Random Youtube videos
  • Seeing which ETF I should replace IUSV with (even though after so much researching coming back again and again and again to IUSV as the superior choice, with a net expense ratio of .05 percent!
  • Napping
  • Netflix (not even my account)
  • Refreshing my email page constantly.
  • Some shitty attempt at a watercolor painting
  • Eating shit food for cheap
  • Fidelity.com
  • Generally just farting around on the internet because I have no friends and no life
  • Watching porn but I doubt it because it doesn’t do anything anymore… sigh

That’s pretty much it. The modern human, to be honest, has because a sad piece of shit, like a fish out of water. I intend on… in a way, reversing all of this.

 

I need to exercise more… and more and more and more.

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GOTY

Posted: May 23, 2018 in Uncategorized

 

I finished my goal of the year.

 

I have no idea what to do with my life. I have no idea what to do with my life. This year marks the 10 year anniversary of when I started this blog. That’s like a decade- a significant chunk of my life.

 

I started this blog when I was 18 years old. I was in an odd place then. Not a dark place, but an odd place. 2007 was difficult, and so was 2008. I felt severely depressed.

 

I haven’t felt that way in a while. I try to set goals to help me move forward in my life. I make it a point to take my time and do one thing at a time. I have finished my one year goal back in April; I am ready to take on the next one actually. But what will I do? Lose weight? I scheduled a trip for Greece. I am saving for that, and also I am saving up so that I can move out of my mom and my sister’s place. It’s time to go and discover a like, different world. I don’t hate these people, not in the least. I want to begin my own journey and whatever else have you. I am okay with being broke again, like I was in Nashville, so long as this time I have my 6 month emergency fund, and my 10 grand in retirement savings. So, I should save up enough to like, move in, and then… do it. It’s hard. I have random worries. I feel maybe I have been using/ abusing this overtime system, and that they will fire me. Jeff, the bastard. That’s not even his name. His name is Steven. Now I am thinking about work. People set me off. I don’t mean that. I meant, when I think about work, I think about someone’s face and the spiral begins, the lunacy stomps its hooves and then there’s no turning back.

 

I guess I feel lost, and save way too much money. Not that that is bad, but it comes at a hefty price I no longer wish to afford. I don’t think it’s billions we want. We want freedom. We want to some days do extravagant things, and on a whim. But that kind of money takes a lot of work. But I suppose one can have legitimate fun on a budget.

 

Let’s see… but see I can’t go to bars. I have no idea what people even do these days. Do they like, honestly do stuff like go to stores and go shopping for stuff? Do they actually go to bars and hang out with others? This next generation- even though I’m considered a dead center millennial, I don’t feel like one. I feel like the one after that, who is like devoid of authentic human relationships or whatever. Gosh I am so glad I’m typing it’s way faster than my journal which is I suppose a decent change.

 

I don’t know what to do; this is what you get when you have a budget and when you had a dad was a cheapskate. I have no idea what to do.

 

If you had a daily budget of 1,000 for a month, assuming your bills were paid, and you could not save anything or purchase anything associated with an appreciating asset, what would you purchase? Symbols of status? God no, then I’d have to back it up with… actually going outside.

Well here’s the thing. I am like a total loner. Even if I could afford flashy, trending clothing (I know not what this even means), I still really wouldn’t hang out with people. What I have really wanted to do was attend my High School Reunion because it’s 2018 and I graduated back in 2008. That would be fun, you know, to reconnect with others. Some have had children, or married. And I’m not really jealous- honest. I miss them a lot, and I don’t have a Facebook account because it is literally retarding society. You’re not motivated to look inside you with it, to change nor to move forward in life.  But gosh, this sounds weird but I miss people I couldn’t stand. I’m not the type of person to say it, let alone mean it. But I do. I miss them. I miss Jessica Soto, who was popular but I never had a crush on her. I just remember her being popular and I guess she’s the symbol of the class of 2008 for me. I lost Jessi Bustos’s phone number. He knows people from high school- a lot of them. I wish we could all hang out together again. I mean I was a loner then, but I feel like we’d all get along. I dunno it’s just a feeling I have.

 

Looking back, high school was a devastatingly sad and even horrifying experience for me. But there’s just something I miss. The world seemed a bit sunnier then, more gratifying than it was now. It had its own feel I guess. Damn, I feel bummed out.

 

I’m turning 28 in a couple of months. What does that even mean? I have no idea I have no idea what I am doing with my fucking life man, and I feel like I’m too old for that, but I heard 28 is a difficult age to be. But like, okay when I am 40 I’ll probably want to be 28 because it was young and I’d want to go back and do things differently. In that case I would exercise more and do things I actually want to do, like study for those FINRA exams. I would actually do really well if I did those now too, from the Investopedia daily vocab builders they got.

Who knows man. This world feels dense, compact, but terribly diluted. There’s just so much I want to change, but it feels like there is so little I have control over. Maybe that’s what life is all about… focusing only on the things we can control

 

Like this messy ass room.

 

  • Move Out ($)
  • Get in Shape (X)
  • Take my GRE finally (EDU)
  • Take the Series 6/63/66 License Exams (EDU)
  • Buy a white truck ($)
  • Start a small business (%)
  • Start a YouTube channel (CREATE, $)
  • Move to Chattanooga, TN and settle down there, buy a home, all cash ($)

That’s all I can think of. Granted, I’d love to at some point of my life marry and have a child(ren). Who knows, maybe even find God.

I feel like selling drugs, prostitution and debt will help me achieve these goals- well, except the last one, the God one.

One goal at a time.

Money goal?

Educational goal?

Physical Goal?

This, I suppose, is a better way of looking at things. If I won the lottery, then I could do all of this. I could buy, like, a super expensive camera, with buttloads of editing software and start a YouTube channel. What else? I’d buy 100 shares of Boeing, but that is a different story for a different post, for a different day. Anyway, I wouldn’t get a personal trainer- I honestly would just buy a huge house in Chattanooga and run around naked on some big ass yard until I was fit.

 

You see, not all goals can be accomplished with money. With my GRE, you still have to actually take your GRE. I’d get my investment licenses though. I just… I need to do my research so I could obtain them. I could have done all of this last year, but honestly I totally burned out. It was good that I burned out though, believe it or not. I gave up insurance around March or April last year THANK GOD I LEFT. I wasted probably 1000 going there, who knows HOW many hours of that training. It’s fine though.

 

I hope everything works out man. I am really hoping.

 

Thanks for the read. You are real.

The Colorless Vehicle

Posted: January 27, 2018 in Uncategorized

Sink or swim,

The waters are dull, gray

What makes it tick,

What makes the sky blue

 

The colorless vehicle,

With vague impulses

All purpose wheels,

Who dances is the mighty

 

A robust refrigerator

Whose inner icicles breathe and spread

Sepulchral pockets of deep freeze,

Silently releasing its cold steam

 

A sinister, chilly shell

Hissing and hiding

Wishing and smighting itself

Within the crawl space

 

Of what use is it to us,

So we seize to inspect, examine

Within its shoulders

A witness to nothing at all

 

Bawling and muted,

It feeds itself,

Feeds on itself,

Patiently waiting for-

 

 

I’m feeling something

Posted: January 21, 2018 in Uncategorized

I’ve been feeling a lot better lately.

 

Lately I’ve just learned that although it is great to focus on one goal at a time, it’s also important to pay attention to other things like your family, and your health as well.

Work is getting to be a lot more cumbersome these days, which is okay. I’m trying to keep up with demand– it isn’t always easy but I think exercising- even just 3 days a week max, is helping me out a lot.

My mind has been all over the place so far this year (and we’re only in January!). But I do feel a bit more at peace. This year’s goals are to apply to graduate school and to have 10K invested/ saved for retirement. I can go on for hours about my portfolio and strategy or whatever, but the point is I just need to have a lot saved initially when I am young because if I do go back to school, there is a good chance I won’t be earning much income, certainly nowhere near as much to invest generously for retirement.

I have to leverage time with money, something I should’ve CLEARLY thought about when I was 19. But anyway, I think there’s a good time for everything. And I think starting as soon as you can, especially if you are in your twenties, is a great idea because you don’t have to catch up so much in your older years. I guess I am just trying to do myself a favor later on.

However, I have learned that there is a certain amount of money that you need to invest, but you also need to have a life. I felt like that has been lacking lately. I have been living a rather dull, colorless life, because all my money (and thus time) has been going to saving. When you decide not to spend a lot of money, you also choose how you spend your time. The past two years have been sort of boring (relatively) speaking but the benefits and end results have been remarkable. But I believe, it’s time to just ease into taking it easy and focusing a lot more on other things in my life, like my relationships, my family, and just studying and reading more.

It is easy to get lost in intentional suffering. Whether you are saving up for school, or are going to school, things can start to feel hopeless. Results take a long time to achieve and you start to see that other aspects of your life are taking a beating because what you are doing now is taking away from all of the other stuff, like traveling, going out, recreation, and other types of activities and expenditures.

But I just wonder. I have way too much clothes. What do I want in life? Stuff? I want stuff, but once I have it, it doesn’t really fulfill me, you know? I like this feeling. I feel content, and truly thankful for what I have in my life, for who I’ve got in my life. God has given me a lot and I am still so young.

They call it a comparison trap for a reason. Think about it. You really DO forget about all the good things in your life when you look at someone else’s life and see how they have it better. Maybe they have a higher net worth, a higher annual income, a nicer physique. Perhaps they are a bit more gregarious than you could really ever be. Maybe they just look so damn happy all the damn time and maybe it bothers you. We could go on for hours, which is actually very sad but also very funny. There are just a multitude of factors- quantitative and qualitative that we could use as modes of comparisons. We all have these like numbers. We give these numbers meaning according to our culture, but things change. Body parts go in and out of fashion like hats and certain types of jeans do. I like having a Social Security number. All Americans get them, but we don’t compare them. I don’t know how they are given out but we don’t compare them. We are just I guess happy to have them. I’ve never seen someone else’s and thought, well their number is small than mine, I”M COOLER. And I like that; more things like that should exist.

 

I gave up social media because you are not required to be honest and transparency has become entirely subjective and selective. I don’t know if I feel comfortable talking to people that are constantly talking about how good their lives are, but have no desire to communicate with me about their pain. That is what friends are for. But since those platforms are comparably much more quantitative, we end up comparing. If we post something negative in a field of positive posts, we may feel vulnerable, exposed, ashamed, and of course weird. We end up going back and deleting what we write and what we feel. Does that cause us to really repress such emotion of fear, sadness, or feelings of inadequacy? And have I run from all of this just by avoiding social media altogether? I honestly don’t care right now.

Apathy could very well be a defensive mechanism, but it’s also extremely liberating. And once the mind if freed from the judgement of others, perhaps one finds it much easier to not judge others. I find it much easier to talk to complete strangers now. I am not talking about APPROACHING THEM IN AN EFFORT TO MAKE FRIENDS (you need social media for that) I just mean when we end up talking it doesn’t feel like a nightmare as much. I love my job. I get to engage in small talk all day. It really helps me in the real world.

I actually have to get going. I am going to work out, and then go to church. Actually, I don’t know if I will have much time. I have an hour and a half. Well if I want to make it on time to any of it, I have to go now. Boo.

 

Time is something I can write about later. But I just love life this weekend. Work will be hectic with all these events and just gosh I can’t wait to go back to YouTube Spaces…

Hey world. How er you doin??

 

Okay well, it’s obviously the end of the year now. Currently seated at a secure location. You won’t find me. Nehehehe

 

Well, I guess you can say, my attention span has been reduced by 79% this year. Yours too huh? It’s all this technology! It’s like fucking crack man! I swear, who knows how long I can go constantly on youtube, several financial websites. It’s so enticing!

 

This year has been pretty big for me, to say the least. Many changes have occured. I have met loads of new people this year with my new job. It is exciting but some days tiring. But overall, I won’t complain! I get paid more, I get to work more hours (about 43 a week). I have also learned a lot. Google, for example, 89% of its revenue comes from its advertising structures.

Much has happened, economically, to both myself and this nation at large. The rise of crypto-currency, the up and coming tax bill. Also, I have managed to pay off my student loans this year! +1

I have managed to complete my fully funded emergency fund! +1

I have also saved 5400 in my Roth IRA! I am 27 years old. +1

It has been a good year. This can only all be executed when one takes like one step at a time. My goal for 2018 is to submit my applications for a PhD program in Sociology. It is my ultimate goal to be a Sociology professor. I have been battling with whether or not I should just stay at the job I have now and just struggle my way to whatever the hell it is that this job leads to.

I have a really neat job, though. I am going to stick to it, and I hope to stay here until I start grad school, which, if everything goes well will occur in the Fall of 2019, or in 2 years. And so, I have to budget for the costs of applying for grad school before I can think about funding  PhD program. I have to take things one step at a time. I am very good when I do this. The more you try to do, it only makes sense on paper. In reality, you never get to all of it. If you take life one step at a time, and focus all of your resources on that one goal, you will finish it. And you will get to the next step.

I have been fortunate enough to be blessed by the Lord to seek a better life and be able to find one.

Since about the summer of last year, I had tried to get a career in life insurance sales. I know, what was I thinking?! It’s a scummy industry. I only wanted the passive income, which takes about 5 years to like actually have. But I wouldn’t be me. It would be the ultimate cop out for “security.”

 

The truth is, I feel like I am being called to be a Sociology professor. I feel it’s a part of my anatomy let alone my destiny. I could be wrong, so it’s finally time to actually try and see once and for all. I feel God tells me, to follow my dreams and trust that spectacular things will happen as a result. Fear of freedom will lead only to mediocrity and a life of uncertainty, of thinking one should have done this.

Invest in yourself. Don’t sell yourself short. The world is absurd right now. Think about it. Currency will become like, digital. Maybe one day our entire consciousness will be in a computer while our bodies are frozen. I guess you can say that is what goes on these days, the present days.

I was lucky enough to get this job. In January is when I started to dress fancy so I could be accepted into this whole insurance thing. I really don’t know what I was thinking. Well, as I said before, I wanted the money but I didn’t want to do the work. Your income doesn’t come from a degree, it comes from your job. And so, I know a PhD won’t make me rich. It’s up to me to put myself out there. My goodness, I have changed a lot in the past few years.

Well anyway, I remember earlier this year I would go on the train, every Wednesday to the office in downtown LA, listening to this Kid Cudi Album, or this old B.O.B album from 2010. I remember still paying off my student loans, the very last one actually, starting in January. Almost 100% of my tax refund went to those loans, but it was worth it. It was worth every tummy ache, and worth all those trips in the rain to the bus stop. Wow, that felt so wonderful to write- about all of the sacrifices. Now I know God truly watches us all closely, and gives us what is just. Praise God!

 

In February I finally became debt free. It was fun. I remember in March/ April/ May is when I started reading East of Eden by John Steinbeck. That was so cool, that was this year. It was an amazing book with an incredible plot. I recommend it to anyone. Around this time I also got a root canal, and finally stopped going to the insurance stuff. I don’t know about that place.

I don’t quite remember when I applied to the company I work for now. I know I started the last week of June, possibly the 23rd. Yes, that’s right. So, I must have applied at the end of May. March through May seems like a blur to me. I know I was reading The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, and I had started reading The Brothers Karamazov (didn’t get to finish it). That is when I landed this job.

Literature and music really helped me. God also helped me rather immensely. And of course, I also helped myself.

It was a lot of work, this year. It rained a lot and there was much I could not do. But alas, see how much you can do when you do nothing at all and just focus on the brunt end of the sword. Oh how it dug into my stomach and ached deeply, as I awaited victory. It was horrid, but that part is all over.

I have a Political Philosophy Exam in a couple of days. I came here for a little bit to just study.

I think everyday has been a good day with some hours being very horrible. That is how life feels like. I feel very optimistic, and that optimism has come about by setting realistic, powerful, and valuable goals for myself, and for finally ridding myself of all forms of popular social media.

This year, I have learned many valuable lessons. But I learned that a boy like me, cannot be compared to his peers. It is a matter of apples to oranges, and so I try not to compare myself anymore, to others my age, because it’s practically impossible. We are just so different. But that does not mean I cannot give nor receive love.

I am a lucky boy. I feel loved. Life is hard.

 

I am only a victim of myself. Fear hurts people. It cripples us. But only your own fear will grapple, twist, and slam you onto the coarse pavement of the world. And I know only my own pain will hurt me, at the end of this and everyday. If I want good things to happen, I have to do good things. It is just that simple. If I want a PhD, I have to apply for a PhD program, get accepted, and accept the offer, and work my ass off for probably another decade, living below my means for longer. But allow me to list the years left in my life, assuming I live to 80 years old:

2018, 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022, 2023, 2024, 2025, 2026, 2027, 2028, 2029, 2030, 2031, 2032, 2033, 2034, 2035, 2036, 2037, 2038, 2039, 2040, 2041, 2042, 2043, 2044, 2045, 2046, 2047, 2048, 2049, 2050, 2051, 2052, 2053, 2054, 2055, 2056, 2057, 2058, 2059, 2060, 2061, 2062, 2063, 2064, 2065, 2066, 2067, 2068, 2069, 2070.

That is basically my life in a list. And each year has 12 months, each month has 4 weeks, each week 7 days, and each day 24 hours. It will all go by very very fast. I just know it. But if I take things one step at a time, and one day at a time, I know there is much I can do. It’s true. God is my side if I am on His. The key to success is knowing that in life, you actually have to do stuff. We are so obsessed with results in our culture, but we forget that all the magic comes from the mundane, the long days and the sometimes draining efforts of our days, and our hard work.

I don’t know if I have escaped. I am not so sure, but I do feel free, even with this low ass battery level.

 

Things are looking up. I look up to God and am thankful for all of the changes in my life, both good and “bad.” I think, it’s all good in the end. Praise Jesus.

 

End.

 

 

Gosh I don’t even know where to start. How we always have to find the problem even, or especially, when there is none. I don’t quite understand. I only understand that I do not understand. And while one can envision a sense of closure and enlightenment, I mean we’re asked to do more than simply lay, stand, or sit (maybe even levitate) in a blissful, satiated state. Passivity, we call it. The consumption of nothing but clear air and an unmistakably imperfect mind and nature, however we can be so forgiving as to awaken into a blank slate.

 

But for what? What is life? Well we know it is but we aren’t sure why. I suppose it’s not required of us to answer, but I think something in us strives to understand. And the hippos and songbirds do not ask such things. It’s like they know what to do and they stick to it. Why bother moving beyond? Well there’s not even a beyond to surpass. There’s simply going about the day. What we see as another person falling by the wayside is like that hippo moving day by day, serenely, immersing itself in the clear but somewhat murky waters below, resting, and leaping out and exercising not the freedom but action to impose its gaping maw to the bright, crystal rays of sunshine. Purpose? There is none but there still is something. Something we take for granted, or often do. It simply exists. Silence. “It.” The thing that is there and I believe we all very much understand. That which, by the plight, fear, and greed of the world sort of distracts us from. I find myself trying to find myself so many days, cycles, and maybe even lifetimes. Trying to get there. But there is no beyond, really. And I know that but part of me doesn’t buy it.

The boy in the dream was me, in the plane’s wooden cabin, lounging with Freud himself, or perhaps it was Weber. And we came to, and we looked out and saw below us grand waterfalls, fountains that did not fall off of high cliffs. And we saw clocks every which way, scattered and seemingly hung over the hard rocks like walls. And we could hear the sentimental ticking, and the sounds of water diving into itself, we could see the glimmering glitter wakes and the elegant foam in the sunlight. All in the airplane.

 

And how in my own waking life, I am the boy in the grassy park, who looks above so often, a witness to the steady, determined wings, the pale belly of the bird that glides through so quickly. And I know the boy in the dream is in there, trying to find me, and how I move around and the red blinking dots on his surreal pocket map, they tend to bounce around and frustrate him And I look up into the deep light blue sky. And I say to myself:

 

“That boy, he is going somewhere, but where? Where is he going?”

and I hear a voice, perhaps God’s, the other boy’s or just something else tell me:

“Forget about where he is going. Where is he now? He is moving. That is where he is, what he is.  He moves, in flight, as motion through the planes of space and time, in his own plane of space and time. Going nowhere but so very THERE, you see?”

 

I just don’t know what to do with all of this. I just hope you can understand.

 

I. I AM. YOU CAN FIND ME. I AM AT AND BEYOND WHERE YOU ARE.

MLeh!

Posted: December 14, 2015 in Uncategorized

It’s weird because I am not sure whether I should hate or love my life. I am someone who has it all, relatively speaking, but someone who is in a lot of ways, absolutely nothing.

 

I carry lists around everywhere, things I haven’t done. Other people- they’re different. They regret things, they get into trouble, they cheat on people, get into accidents, and do people things. I feel like nothing.

 

People think I am somebody because I moved away for 6 months on my own not knowing anyone. That I got my BA in Sociology at UCLA so I must be better than them, that I am the only one in this district with a black apron. But I don’t care about any of it!

 

I want my driver’s license, I want to be [one of the] greatest writers of the 21st century, to write books on the human condition, to fall in love and get married one day. That’s really about it- but not really. People we don’t know what we want until it’s gone- we don’t really ‘want.’ We need. The lines get blurred- the lines between desire and need, of fantasy and reality. We are obsessed with power, to claim it. But the more we do the more we remind ourselves how powerless we are. I want to delve deeply into the realm of the human condition, the agony, the brutality, the self-harm, the passion, the dull lifelessness of surrender and apathy. I want to stay alone, but I need someone oddly enough. I am great but oh how I am so weak!

 

 

What do you lack? What do you want? Are they not the same things? Not always. I lack imprisonment, but I do not seek it. In those circumstances I am content with my lot.

 

There’s a good book out there, for boys like me. The Collector by John Fowles. I’ve only allowed myself to look at girls, and I have given up on relationships. And just like the character, he knows he can never love, but tries to. He buys her anything she likes but won’t let her go. He only wants to have her, like a butterfly for his collection. To look at it, squirm at it, covet it, congratulate himself, and ultimately to make her love him, while imprisoned some how.

 

Its hard for me. I need an imaginary girlfriend, an imaginary car. I need some sort of video game with all these things.