The Gym AKA Hell

Back at Gold’s Gym and even here at the JWC the whole lifting thing is strange for me. Don’t get me wrong it’s a LOT of fun for me, but it’s just that I don’t like how I have to critique everyone else’s performance and let that feed into some kind of psychological state that will in turn give me energy; it’s despicable!

Rather I should go to the gym and exercise my mind and challenge MY self and MY limits rather than trying to heighten my self-worth at the expensive others or pleasure at the hands of degrading the soul of another human being. For in the end the real one that becomes hurt is the oppressor. The ones who have gone through pain and unjust punishment will be happy in the end knowing they were loving and yes they were hurt by others but they realized how much they kept moving, not having to initiate that cycle. I wish to be that way.

I just want to go to the gym and not stare at what everyone else is doing. I want to know that my purpose of going there is to learn something about myself. So I shall. I will stay with God and when looking at people doing something, I will look up at the ceiling and tell Him:

“Isn’t she beautiful?” or “Isn’t he great?”

If I claim to not be judgmental to groups of people then why am I so judgmental to individuals. For my view of individual people adds up to a group of individuals. And that’s not fair. They’re kind inside.

You know what I find to be remarkable for my heart? People are very loving, but they may have a very hard time showing that side of themselves because maybe they just have a fear for these things. It’s strange really; the fear is REALLY intense, esp. for me. I think, however, that people aren’t so bad. You just have to be the right person. Not everyone will like you, but that doesn’t mean they’ll hurt or disrespect you.

And for those who do, they just have their hearts in the wrong place but still have good hearts indeed. Evryone’s got to love SOMEONE, be it their mother, siblings, friends, and so on. Even though someone may be mean to me deliberately (which is rare) they at least are nice to SOMEONE in their life.

I get passive with that type of though; I’m just not a fighter and if some guy were to slap me, let’s say while I was talking to a girl I liked, I would do nothing. Maybe I’d ask him why he slapped me, but I would never hurt him back. I guess I just wasn’t wired to. Am I supposed to prove myself or something.

To be honest I rather just lift a lot of weight so I would just seem like I fight, or maybe I should actually learn to fight for self-defense.

Anywho, I’m tired and thinking about not going to the gym. Maybe I should just go for a walk instead?? I probably will end up going for a walk out into Westwood. Maybe I’ll go see a film.

I love God. He loves people no matter what can you imagine? And he isn’t mean when you think in a mean way about others. he wants me to change because with judgment comes an awful feeling inside. A feelingof deep guilt, uncertainty, insecurity and fear.

It’s very difficult to not judge people, I guess it just takes practice and knowing that deep down inside people are very kind and some are quite misunderstood. A lot of people are born into a dangerous environment where they must turn violent in order to stay alive The fault is not their own in circumstances rather the structures in which political and economic lords create in order to maintain the means of production.

It’s all about power, remember?

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN IN THE LAST 10 MILLENIA??IN THE FORESTS???

The first step, at least for me, is remembering. Remembering how many times I was proven wrong. Time after time after time after time.